|Reviews for Infatuation With The Devil|
| gypsylass chapter 3 . 9/25/2005
great chapter! my fave line was "that all emotions became like water, and soon evaporated from his memories" :)
| gypsylass chapter 2 . 6/15/2005
wow! o.0 good chapter!
| Moth to Flame chapter 2 . 6/1/2005
Wow...Viedma is vicious...lol. But I like it, I'm glad that you updated! _ It seems to be moving along pretty quickly, and I'm still digging the detail. Very cool job, hope you update son!
| gypsylass chapter 1 . 5/21/2005
wow, great details! the food sounds delicious! awesome start!
| A.R.B chapter 1 . 5/20/2005
Okay, from what I've read so far, this seems a very promising piece, but there are a lot of things that I believe could be improved. These criticisms are of course only my opinion (except in certain hard and fast cases of grammar) and hopefully will help to cover some things you might have missed while writing. I'm making notes as I read this thing, so please forgive me if it seems too nitpicky or indepth or whatnot. It'll probably be long. Okay? Okay.
First paragraph: The double use of over in the first sentence seems a bit awkward and redundant, consider replacing one 'over' with another phrase. Also, another awkward phrase: "filled beneath his skin." Perhaps "used to flow beneath" would be a better alternative. "liquid velvet" Nice description.
Second paragraph: First word should be "It's" as in it is. "Lithe" isn't a noun, perhaps you meant litheness. "In which this girl crumbled in" - the phrase needs only one 'in', preferably the first, as that would avoid ending the sentence in a preposition.
Third Paragraph "Blurred out"? Perhaps "blurted"? "Victim's" apostrophe 's'.
Nitpick: "The voice called back again" - the again seems unecessary, as it's actually the first time the voice is responding, or calling _back_. Also "conscious" is mainly used as an adjective. Though it can be a noun, it's more common to use "conciousness", and in this case, perhaps "conscience".
I love your use of rhetorical questions. As I said, promising. Anyway, moving on to the main bit.
The first sentence seems a bit unclear. When you say "four months ago before the moment of the first kill", do you mean that it happened four months ago, right before she made her first kill, or four months before the first kill. If the latter, simply take out the ago, if the first, you should make it a bit clearer.
Nitpick: The sentence fragments are effective, but somewhat choppy. You might consider combining a few with hyphens or other creative punctuation. Also, "under a Russian father" in the second paragraph should probably be "to a Russian father."
You missed the "percent" after the "100". "Russian composure"? Do you mean a Russian state of mind? Because, if so, the idea doesn't really connect with the ideas about language that follow it, so I don't really understand what you're trying to say. Love the linguistic comments (though, nitpick: tounges should maybe be singular, or remove the 'the'?). Also love how you tie the exposition with foreshadowing (or backshadowing...I'm not sure what you'd call it here).
"Japanese part" is both awkward and vague. Perhaps "her Japanese heritage" would be a better way of saying it. "Mother's" apostrophe 's'. No comma after blacksmith. "practiced with by" seems awkward, though I don't know how else you could express this idea. Also, I don't know if "hand carved" is the best way to describe a sword. "hand crafted," perhaps?
Note: Don't over use the sentence fragments. Used judiciousiously, they're effective. Overused, they're simply not.
Okay, just a small comment on content. In the part where you're presenting the trip and how she hates Christianity but still carries a cross, it needs...something. (yeah, I know, helpful). It's just, you've put this information out there, but it carries no emphasis. Perhaps if you gave a bit more background, like _why_ does she carry a cross if she hates Christianity so much? Was it perhaps a present or a last memento of someone? This part of the piece seems to attempt to give us a glimpse of her character, but it doesn't give enough of it to hold on to. You know? (I feel more and more unhelpful with each word...) So, yeah, back to grammar and style.
"Too soon" with two 'o's. "un-railed off the track" is an awkward phrase that could easily be replaced with the single word "derailed." Oh, another awkward phrase: "if the conductor wasn't as good as numerous aren't". I think it should be "if the conductor wasn't so good (as numerous aren't)", or perhaps "If the conductor wasn't as good as he was." It's just very awkward in general and 'good' is a vague word. "lined with wolves"? Perhaps "filled"? Also, the 'may's in this paragraph should probably be 'might's. It's a whole thing with moods that I don't want to get into.
Once again, I hate to say it but, could you give us a little bit more...something? What piqued her curiousity? Why then? Why the woods? Does she often wander away from groups? Does she not like people in general? Was she the kid that foiled the elementary school buddy system?
"Its sheath" this time it's 'its' no apostrophe. That's a very common error, and an easy rule to forget-heck, it's even foiled certain villains. Just remember that apostrophe 's' stands for a verb, either 'is' or 'has', and make sure to proofread thoroughly. "traveled on" should be "traveled through" or "in".
"Had memorized" with a 'd'. That's another whole thing with tenses that I don't want to get into. "traveled in" the 'in' isn't necessary.
Okay, a note on dialogue and accents and all that fun stuff. First off, since she's Russian, if she's speaking to herself, wouldn't she be speaking in Russian? Now, of course, if this is true, no one expects you to write all the dialogue in Russian. Dialogue isn't supposed to be an exact representation of what real people would actually say, verbatim; you're not writing a court transcript. It's an interpretive representation (if that means anything). So the Russian would be speaking to herself in Russian, expressing the idea "where am I?" in Russian. What you're writing is the idea expressed. Hence, she wouldn't have an accent, since she's (technically) speaking in Russian. If she doesn't happen to be speaking in Russian, for whatever reason, she still shouldn't have an accent, because the dialogue is an expression of her own idea in her own perspective. An accent is a perception thing. British people don't think they have accents any more than Southern people do, or Canadians, or New Yorkers, or Australians. Other people hear thier speech and lable the differences between it and thier own as accents. Now, before this all gets metaphysical, my point is simply this - the "Russian accent" is unecessary, and does little to add to the work. If over done, it could even detract.
And it's very late. Sorry I couldn't get through the whole thing (though you probably consider that a good thing), but I think that this thing is quite long enough. And it's very late. I do hope you found some of my comments helpful. If not, sorry again. If you'd like any more advice, feel free to e-mail me. Of course, e-mail is also a good option if you feel like yelling at me (though I do hope you don't). But I don't think I'll leave you another monster review like this unless you want me to. Anyways. Again, I think it has potential, it just needs a lot of proofreading and beta work. Happy writing.
| Broseph115 chapter 1 . 5/20/2005
This is written well. There is a lot of good potential in this story and I would like to read the rest. It's awesome, keep going.
| Moth to Flame chapter 1 . 5/20/2005
O, I like! It reminds me of Van Helsing, and that is surely a good thing! It's written really well, the detail is amazing, and the story seems very interesting! Update soon!