|Reviews for Night of the Long Knives|
| Esther Jade chapter 2 . 4/27/2008
You certainly keep the plot moving at a steady clip. Plenty happened in this chapter. I just felt like it might be nice to slow down for a bit so the reader can get to know Iduna a bit better but I suppose there's still quite a few chapters left.
I found the writing a lot easier to read in this chapter. Also, the dialogue is quite enjoyable.
It’s right enough to make any brigand’s gums gurgle! - This sounds a bit like a pirate. I just found it strange for a city-dweller to say this but that could just be my prejudices talking.
She scurried to keep up. - I'm not sure about "scurried" as a word choice here.
with hushed footsteps - And I'm not sure about "hushed" in this context.
The night was dark and Iduna found their path hard to follow as they stayed in the shadows. Carts and tables lay abandoned under the colonnade lining the buildings’ facades, and she found it hard to stay quiet with so many trips and snares in her way. - First, she finds it hard to follow and then she finds it hard to stay quiet. It feels a bit repetitive for one paragraph.
letting him crash on the street in his rattling mail. - I think that "on" should be an "onto".
| Esther Jade chapter 1 . 4/27/2008
Initially, I found the story a bit difficult to get into. The writing style at the start of the chapter was quite flowery; I'm not sure if it was deliberate. The first paragraph was particularly hard to read and seemed to be trying to encompass too much. Then the paragraph with the fighting seemed unnecessarily obscure.
One thing that I did like about the beginning was the cat. It seemed like a clever way to briefly diffuse the tension.
For me, the writing really improved after the reveal that she was a woman. And then I enjoyed the scene at the end. It seemed to set up quite an interesting plot.
its best you hear about it from us. - That "its" should be a "it's".
The man looked at his own sword, which Iduna could tell, was homemade - I'm not quite sure how a sword can be "handmade"; maybe made by an incompetent smith...
| Marie Ellen chapter 1 . 9/9/2007
Wow, this was a great first chapter! You didn't give us much about Iduna, but I'm interested in her anyway. Is it common for women to be knights? I take it it is, because the crooks didn't seem too impressed by it.
I think the first section (the Silent Creature section) was a little misleading. I was expecting a nonhuman. "Creature" is an odd word to use, even if you're trying not to specify gender. Is there a reason you didn't want her gender specified? It's not that big of a deal, especially if women knights aren't all that uncommon. If you want to keep it unspecified (though I would suggest just using "her") perhaps the word "person" would be better. Because of the "creature," I was confused when she pulled out blades. Silent is a strange adjective as well-mostly because I don't believe it. I do like how you kept everything very quiet up until the fight, when suddenly there was slashing swords, etc. But silent is a strong word, and people really can't be entirely silent-doesn't she breathe, move her feet, rustle her clothing, etc.?
The first sentence also threw me off-first she was in wilderness, then in sand. I don't think wilderness actually MEANS trees, forest, etc, but it certainly implies it. I love desert worlds though, so I'm excited about this one.
The crooks are really . . . comical. It was a strange change from Iduna's almost death to the sitcom-like quality of the scene with the crooks. I think that could be alleviated by making Iduna more human in the Silent Creature Section. Then the reader wouldn't feel so lost when suddenly she's a very real woman who is bribing crooks into helping her kick butt in a taken-over castle.
I'd also suggest reading your dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds natural. But all in all, well done!
| Andrew Keith chapter 4 . 8/2/2007
Wow, I really liked this. You should definitely write more ). I can't think of anything bad with this story, I really enjoyed these first four chapters.
Moar please. _
| warnthepenguins chapter 1 . 7/2/2007
Rename your story.
Unless it is about Hitler's purge of his perceived enemies in the Nazi party, the title is going to generate a lot of confusion.
Also, your prose seems to get tangled up in itself, until one can't make heads or tails of a paragraph.
| AlexdR chapter 1 . 1/24/2007
Why, thank you for your review, Design.
| Sakka-Fenikkusu chapter 1 . 10/11/2006
Your writing style is very sophisticated and I love your descriptions. The dialogue was a little confusing, but otherwise, I liked it. Good work. -Sakka-Fenikkusu
| Andrea Tiefling L chapter 1 . 8/21/2006
colvery colalthough try not to use too many words that I'd need a thesaurus for. (Okay, do use them, but sprinkle them judiciously as I haven't the time to learn what "crepuscular" could mean. although if it means tepid then you should have used tepid.)nit-picky, i know. and if you really want to sound smart, trim the adverbs. any adverb can be replaced by a more fitting and descriptive verb. that is my criticism thus you get a moment could you review my work too?
| Enigmatic Warrior chapter 2 . 6/3/2006
This is really good so far. I like how you started the story off with action instead of deveopment, but managed to include development with the action. Really good.
| The Warrior Poet chapter 1 . 6/2/2006
The best stories always contain a rebellion or coup of some sort. A strong beginning to this story, I like your writing style. Strong (though not overly detailed) action and great imagery. I Liked, '...the sky burned in molten clouds of crimson fire.' Good stuff!
| iddunno chapter 1 . 6/22/2005
Wow! really great first chapter! I'm hooked. Anyway, chapter 2 to read now...
| melancolie chapter 14 . 6/17/2005
hmm.. good story. lol. it's great you have the determination to rite all of that!and you know what's super awesome? i can actually understand the latin cuz i take it at school! YAY. studying does pay off!