Reviews for Wonderland
Siren Xenophon chapter 1 . 7/13/2005
Hey Yin! It's been a while, but I finally had time to give you a review! Shits been hittin the fan lately, but that doesn't matter! I like this story so far, it's intriguing. I'll read more as soon as I possibly can. Keep writing and hope to talk to you again soon!
Profiterole chapter 6 . 6/16/2005
Chapter 6 was great! I don't see any problem with chapter 5. Of course, there's no action in it, but such chapters are necessary to the story and it wasn't too long. Besides, well, there was another kind of action anyway. ;-) That's a cool story. Update soon!
Terryll Preston chapter 6 . 6/15/2005
Another good chapter! Not much else to really say other than I liked the way you are handling the tension and love between Koa and Shima. As well, I think you are doing a good job covering his feelings toward the state of the world and being with Shima. Good work! But, I did detect a few more mistakes in this, so let's take a look, shall we?

'To be painstakingly honest, it was the most wonderful thing(s) that I'd ever experienced.' - I think you could have done without having that 's' there at the end. It just comes off sounding awkward.

'"I know, Koa," she replied, understanding. She walked towards me (a) she finished.' - 'As' should have been inserted here instead of 'a'. Simple mistake but enough of one to throw off the reader.

'I knew if we stayed in there long enough (we'd) lose our signal.' - Did you mean 'they'd'? It sounds kind of odd if you meant it the other way.

'I was all but (fumigating).' - Replace with 'fuming'. 'Fumigating' is a term usually used in reference to killing insects and other small pests. And used in this context, it just sound really off.

Well, there you go! I hope you don't think that I was too hard on you, Yinny. Just looking out for a fellow Group member, that's all! Make sure that you address these mistakes as soon as you can! Though small, they can really destroy the readability of your work. So fix them as quickly as you can! Well, that's all for Terryll Central! I'll catch you laters!

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPres fame...
Terryll Preston chapter 5 . 6/15/2005
The chapter wasn't as bad as you seem to think Yinny. C'mon girl, have a little bit more confidence in your abilities! LOL! Anyways, it was a good follow-up and continuation to a very engaging story. I find myself impressed with how much care you took in writing this chapter of 'Wonderland'. I only found two mistakes; simple ones that anyone could make:

'At that moment he stood up. (")I'm glad to see humans here instead of those motherfucking robots. I would be happy to accommodate you."' - In this sentence, you are missing a the other quotation marks that would begin him speaking. I have indicated the mistake by placing parenthesis around the area.

'It was surprisingly nice. Not cocktail and caviar nice but casual (and) comfortable nice.' - I'm not sure if this is a mistake, but did you mean to place an 'and' between 'casual' and 'comfortable'?

Well, like I said before, those were the only mistakes that I came across in this. All in all, I would say that it was an exceptional job that you did...whether you liked it or not, Yinny. Now that I'm finished here, it's time to move on to the next chapter...

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...
Profiterole chapter 4 . 6/9/2005
This was very interesting. The last sentence was particularly sad because it showed how guilty Oda felt for creating Wonderland. Update soon.
Terryll Preston chapter 4 . 6/9/2005
Very nicely done, Yinny. I don't think that I found one grammatical or spelling mistake in this! Very impressive! As for the chapter itself, I like it and the general idea behind it. It was a nice little side story that shed a bit of light on the entire 'wonderland program'. I feel kinda bad for Shima though. So, was she the original test subject for 'wonderland'? And that also makes me wonder what ever happened to Dr. Oda. Is he still a prisoner? Or did he manage to escape or something? Either way it goes, you have a great subject for a side story to 'Wonderland' Yinny. I serious applaud your efforts here. This chapter was an absolute thrill to read! And I hope that you write many more as excellent as this one! Well, that's about all I can think to say! It's 2 a.m. down here and I need to get some sleep. So, I'll see you later Yinny...

See you next review!

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...
Cornel chapter 1 . 5/29/2005
This is my first review, and I am glad to have found a story such as this piece of sci-fi, which does not seem too inhuman - mornings, tell me about it, especially after a week's sleep? I understand that none of us could possibly keep our full attention on writing, so I have no gripes about the shortness of the chapter. I think that you can get away with more mature descriptions in chapter one. It would have interesting to know how the wound, to insert the microchip, looked in more detail. I wish to be made aware, 10 pages of detail are never good. Personally as a reader, I found that my imagination was too uncertain about the wound.
Profiterole chapter 3 . 5/27/2005
Thank you for reviewing "I Know What You Feel"! I looked at your profile and there was no way I could resist a story about "Wonderland". I know you said that you weren't inspired by "The Matrix", but your story reminded me why I liked these movies (well, the first two, because the third one was such a huge disappointment). The concept of the real world and the virtual one is always interesting, especially when Koa couldn't remember reality. And it made the love story so much more interesting. Eh, eh, I can still enjoy het, even though I usually tend to avoid it. On a note side, I liked the reference to "Gundam".
Terryll Preston chapter 3 . 5/26/2005
Tsk, tsk! Watch your mouth Yinny or I might have to give you a spanking later...Terryll's gonna spank your butt, spank your butt...? Uh, sorry about that! I've been playing WAY too much 'Devil May Cry 3' lately...ahem...sorry. Damn that Jester! Well, anyways, this is an excellent follow up to the previous chapters! And you really have managed to refine your work to where it has less mistakes than the first two chapters do. I came across no errors (grammatical or otherwise) that really stuck out or stunted the flow of this story. A very interesting development between Zed and Shima. Makes me wonder how long he'll remain loyal to his own humanity before tries to return to his life as a slave to the Robots. I do admit, however, that it sucks that I'm gonna have to wait another month or so for the next chapter. A whole MONTH Yinny? Man, that's gonna hurt! LOL! But, I'll try my best to be patient! Not like I have a chance or anything...LOL! Hey, if you're interested, I belong to small writing group centered a bunch of writers here on the site. Kakyou's a member as well! If your interested, I can sned you an invite to join. We were working on a project known as 'the Tatakai' but we're gonna scrap it and retry it this summer. It'll take a while to explain it, so just take a look at it! It's located under the penname 'Cerulean-Knights'. Let me know what you think about it! I'm glad your considering my advice about the 'Gundam' name change. It's nice to know that there are people that listen! Us...connected? Say it ain't so! LOL! All kidding aside, it's all cool! I really don't mind at all! Well, I think I've embarrassed myself enough for tonight, guess I'll review ya later...

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...
Oni Starwind chapter 2 . 5/25/2005
BRAVO GREAT Job. First perosn mode done perfect. AND it was hillaours! I lmao
Oni Starwind chapter 1 . 5/25/2005
WHats up Yin! long time no see. This story is amazing just like all your other works. PLZ UPDATE CANDY AND VIOLENCE SOON!
Terryll Preston chapter 2 . 5/24/2005
A much better word flow and since of character this time around, Yin. Also, good job building up the sexual tension between Koa and Shima...but DAMN those robots! Hell, just when it was getting good too! But, oh wells... Anyways, I did notice that you had a few words missing here and there, and a few that were misspelled. Um, I do have a question though. Was 'the hand' from the first chapter Zed in this one? Oh yeah, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention this, but why use the word 'gundam'? I know it's a kinda catch-all term for 'mechs' but it's still a very well-known term. May wanna consider changing it in the near future to avoid unnecessary flamage from the unenlightened on this site. But other than that, I am coming to like this story of your Yin and I hope that you will continue to write more of it. Oh yeah, and don't forget about 'Shutup and Drive'! Laters...

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...
Terryll Preston chapter 1 . 5/24/2005
Heya Yin! Been a while since I've laid eyes on any of your works...sorry about that! Busy trying to update my stories AND trying to keep myself from posting anything new (as I'm already behind on a cubic crapload of my stories). But, since you were so kind to drop me TWO reviews this week(end), I'd figure I'll hit you up with two of my own. Okay, let's begin shall we? First off, I will tell you that I was a bit lost in the beginning of your story. Your opening paragraphs were a bit hard to follow and somewhat disinteresting. It didn't help that you didn't italicize the character's thoughts. That made it difficult for me to catch what was being thought and and what wasn't. But, once I got my 'reading legs', so to speak, I genuinely found myself drawn into your story and digesting it at a rapid pace. My goodness, Koa has a severe potty mouth, doesn't he? Heh! Sounds kinda like somebody else that we BOTH know...jeez, I wonder what a conversation would be like between THOSE two? LOL! Sorry, got a little sidetracked. Anyways, I do like Koa's personality. It's pretty fitting for him - especially after waking up to find himself in a place that he doesn't remember. I also find 'the hand' to be an innately interesting supporting character. Hopefully, he'll see a bit more screen time so he can be fleshed out a bit more. Overall, I'd have to say that this story came out better than your first run at 'Shutup and Drive' (waiting for an update, by the way!) but it's not without a few bug in the system that still need to be worked out. That being said, I truly look forward to reading more...

Terryll Preston, still2twisted of FictionPress fame...