|Reviews for The Arts of Fire|
| Anime Freakizoid chapter 1 . 8/16/2006
hey, thank you so much for the suggestions of my new story, i didn't notice that i made those mistakes...anywho, i love the beginning. each character is mysterious in their own way and i can't wait to read more tomorrow. thank you for all your reviews, you rock! i'll be back!-anime freakizoid X_X
| Alankria chapter 5 . 8/21/2005
(Not logging in cuz my home internet is too sucky for it).
I don't think you need the commas in the first two sentences of the second paragraph. Having said that, Americans put commas in all sorts of weird places, but... I think it detracts from the flow to have them there.
Black butterflies settled on the corners of his eyes... Nothing wrong with that, it's sheer mastery.
Er, I kinda got completely drawn in after that so I didn't notice anything wrong. A very interesting chapter - finally, something about Huo - and I look forward to more.
And me, I'm glad you're not going for perfect good or, I suspect, pure evil. Keep it up.
| Alankria chapter 4 . 8/19/2005
'..cord has slashed into her arm.' 'had' not 'has', though to be honest you could just say 'cord slashed into her arm.' I don't know if this is another US/UK difference, but we spell cord 'chord'.
You begin two sentences with 'one of her companions', and it sounds really bad. Begin the second one with 'Her other companion'.
Ah, so Driven does have another name. Good stuff.
I'm surprised Driven didn't think the people were assassins, it seemed kinda obvious. Unless he knows better, and he certainly knows these people.
Anyways, another good chapter. Must go now, I'll read more soon.
| Arkash chapter 2 . 8/14/2005
I love the third paragraph/sentence, "Lin had known this since she..." powerful, packed with meanings, and a great hook.
Lin seems supernatural, aside her domineerigh, harsh personality.
THis was a good chapter showing that Huo is up against a powerful enemy.
| Alankria chapter 3 . 8/9/2005
I only saw one thing in this chapter: 'But Driven was calmly observing them from outside the Prima Donna’s tent.' I think this sentence could be simply 'Driven calmly ovbserved them from outside the Prima Donna's tent'.
An intriguing chapter. I wonder why Driven is like that, and also what secrets Sylvan has.
As for Prima Donna's name... I really think that something of that world (the world in which she lives) would work better. Something with similarities, perhaps, to Prima Donna but not quite the same. Something to think of when you're thinking of curses. :)
Thanks for the reviews. I'll have a think about a way to make the first chapter more catchy.
| Arkash chapter 1 . 8/8/2005
Alankria suggested that I check out your writing. She was right, it's good.
About the offer of reviewing three for one, in all fairness, I'd be satisfied with one for one. Since my next one to be submitted to a publisher is 'The Watchers', I would be eternally grateful if you reviewed that one.
How about 'Alpha Prime' instead of 'Prima Donna'. Of course Alpha and Prime both mean the same, I think it sounds good.
"She stood, carefully smoothing her skirt-like pants,..." I would use a different word for 'skirt-like'. Perhaps 'coulette' or 'riding skirt'.
"Reluctantly, Sylvan tied the cloth around her head once more and waited, and listened." This sentence could use some revision. The 'and waited, and listened.' part.
I don't know whether Sylvan and Driven are in mental communication or not, but in either case, how does Sylvan know that Driven is fighting off his own doubts? This scene is in Sylvan's point of view, so the last paragraph should not have Driven wondering about the condition of rider and horse. Or if they are in mental communication, then you should elaborate on that.
".., but only a dreary doze had come to him, in which..." This may sound better like: .., but he only managed a dreary doze, in ..."
"His neck was cramping, so he shifting.." I think you meant shifted.
"The sun greeted him with a blast of heat, and when he opened his eyes from irritation,..." 'from irritation' sounds a bit clunky.
"A sudden blast of anguish rushed him..." It may sound better like: "A sudden blast of pain flowered in his barely healing wound..." Pain comes first, then anguish sometimes. Or anger.
Good chapter. I like your your style and vivid descriptions, but some of the dialogues could be trimmed.
Good Job! *_*
| Alankria chapter 2 . 8/3/2005
Hey, only one critical comment about this chapter...
I can't help but feel in this interesting world you've created, they would have more interesting curses than 'Son of a bitch'. Especially Lin, who is a smart lady. It always makes a world more realistic if they have their own curses.
Also, I spotted something in Chapter 1 when I was waiting for Chapter 2 to load... you say 'The earth seemed to tremble slightly though she felt no actual shifting.' This seems a little contradictory- do you mean that she can see it trembling, though she can't feel it? That seems unlikely. Perhaps some clarification or changing the sentence.
Chapter 2 is just as good as 1 - you really have a talent. I liked the bit about Lin in the strange place with her brother, that's very interesting and I hope you go into more depth about that later.
| Alankria chapter 1 . 7/31/2005
'...hearing to the shafts of the arrows knock together.' Cut out the 'to'. I'm guessing that's a typo.
' In several odd spots, a green leaf would protrude and draw his attention,..' I think this would sound better as 'a green leaf protruded and briefy drew his attention'...
I don't think anguish would run through him when he tears open his wound; at least it wouldn't be the first thing on his mind. The first thing would be something like 'holy mother of * that hurts like *', and then that would trigger the memories of how he got the wound and the anguish. So by all means have the anguish, but I would say that the pain was the first thing he thought of and you should put that.
When he doesn't want to probe the wound for fear he would infect it... to be honest, if he was going to get infected, probing it wouldn't make much difference. If you want to say that he didn't want to probe it, maybe because he feared disturbing the flesh and making it bleed even more. Though I do think his primary reaction might be to put a hand there to stem the blood flow, maybe he's too hard for that and that's okay.
As far as constructive criticism goes, I know that's not the best in the world but it's honestly the most I can do. You've really got a talent here, your writing flows wonderfully. It really was enjoyable to read. However, I won't read more tonight (I *must* write tonight, so I should leave my evil internet) but I will read more, if not tomorrow, the day after. *Adds to favourites* I'm looking forward to finding out where Huo comes from and basically finding out more about this world.
Okay, I found you through following a trail... someone reviewed someone whose stories I like, and they mentioned you, so I followed the trail. Anyway, I saw your comment about reviewing 3 stories written by people who review this story. And I was wondering, rather than reading 3 stories, could you focus your reviewing on one of my stories - it's called 'One Finger on the Trigger' and it's a sort of crime/thriller/weird mix kinda story. It's a final draft of the story, I'm hoping to finish the draft by the end of summer so I can start trying to get it published in autumn, and I *really* need feedback so I can get it of publishable quality. I've already had some good reviews for the early chapters, so check out those so you don't end up repeating comments I've already got.
I'd basically really appreciate the feedback. And in exchange, I'll work my way through your stuff, trying to read a chapter a night or every other night. And I'll give as much constructive criticism as I can.
On a more random note, Huo reminds me of Heero Yuy from Gundam Wing. Maybe it's just the name, but Heero has the whole pride thing going on like Huo. Just a random guess, like you invited .
Also, (and finally), I caught your comment about names. I like the names Sylvan and Huo, and I don't think those need changing, but Driven could possibly do with a different name. And yeah, Prima Donna could do with a different name. Maybe come up with a name that means the same thing but in their language.
| bjw chapter 5 . 7/25/2005
Hi! I came back to read your other chapters...
Whoa. I can see that this is going to be a richly-layered story.. you must have some imagination! There are so mnay characters! Lol all the different names and the different roles they play are currently swimming around rather noisily in my brain...P But I love the sense of anticipaton you've built up - how you keep changing perspectives, and tell only selected bits about the different characters, such that you've shedded light on small parts of them, the majority of what they're like is frustratingly in the dark... The SUSPENSE in this! Goodness I'm really looking forward to finding out more!
Oh I like Sylvan. [I was supposed to, wasn't I.] She's interesting, especially her reaction to Drivien's fit and her thoughts about fire... but then again maybe why I find her so interesting is because she's kind of featured the most...
Dominica and the Prima Donna are amusing characters.. love the way you describe their proud antics.
As usual, you writing style is flawless - it engages the reader very well with all the amazing details you manage to put into your story. GREAT WORK - can't wait for the next chapter!) [wow this must be the longest review I've ever written or something.P]
| bjw chapter 1 . 7/17/2005
LOL why do you want people to review the first chapter?
Well anyway, as usual, exquisite work. The characterisation is absolutely great - I love how you cater to all senses, and the way you are able to capture the smallest of details - the characters' thoughts and their little reactions to each tiny thing - that make your narrative so real.
"She smiled at their fluttering but knew that Driven would frown if he saw her enjoying herself in the midst of duty."
"deep buzzing of the fat blue-black flies"
"The trees were shriveled and emaciated, looking more like overgrown weeds than actual proud pines. In several odd spots, a green leaf would protrude and draw his attention, but he was too wasted to ponder the condition of this alien terrain. "
"At length, he closed his eyes and ran his tongue across his chapped lips. It was so dry that it stuck in some places and he had to moisten it."
LOL couldn't help that.. to prove my point, your characters are fabulously real. BRILLIANT WRITING!
| Debbie-chan chapter 1 . 7/14/2005
Well, I'm obviously just doing this for the reviews. I was at first. But i have fallen in love with this story. The first sentence- beutiful. And everything else, too. *Scans the second, third, and fourth chapters* All the first sentenses of these chapters are good too! Yeah. You know, only the first sentence has to be that good. But you go way above standards! Now, update or I will hunt you down and drop my cousin's cat on your head (my cousins cat has back claws, sharp teeth, and hates people)
| Accalia Aeryn chapter 5 . 7/12/2005
Aw... Last chapter to read and it was short. You have to update soon! This story is so wonderful, I'm adding it to my favorites. _ Okay, on to the review: The setting took a change which threw me off for a bit. But of course you have your ever great illustrations (ha, a different word than description) and spell checked paragraphs to make up for it. I have to say out of these five chapter, the fourth was my favorite. This chapter tells the reader some about Huo (although he still tends to be a little undeveloped) and what's going on between him and Dominica. Which is good, but Huo (sorry to tell the truth) isn't really my favorite character. But I'm still in wonder what's going on with the angel and where he's at. You must update soon!
| Accalia Aeryn chapter 4 . 7/12/2005
I just wanted to say that I love to read your author's notes. lol The length of your chapters is perfect. I really loved the description (I need to find a new word) in this chapter. The plot seems to be playing out very wonderfully. The third eye thing is really interesting, a bit confusing at first though. Great job on the writing! I can't wait to read more about Driven (and his 'past').
| Accalia Aeryn chapter 3 . 7/12/2005
I don't know if I should say who my favorite character is if you're gonna kill 'em off. Never mind... I like the Prima Donna and Driven by far. Another great chapter! Longer than the second and also changing back to the cast from the first chapter. I think I'm getting the hang of it. _~ One again I have no suggestions to make. Your writing is perfect the way it is. Although I'm in wonder of why Driven is... Mad. Oh- yes. I love how the characters are developing.
| Accalia Aeryn chapter 2 . 7/12/2005
For a long chapter the first one was, this really throws you off. In a good way. I was ready for something bad to happen to Huo, but instead you started with Lin. The description is still good with very few (or no) spelling errors. This chapter was fairy short, the reader got the picture of what was happening. But maybe try making it a little longer. Oh- I loved the last few lines about the soldier.