|Reviews for My Golden Girl|
| lifelessbreath chapter 1 . 9/24/2006
Beautiful is an understatement...
| Gilee7 chapter 1 . 10/12/2005
-Today I saw an angel. Taut, tanned and perfect her arms were like golden wings swinging through the air rescusing those around her from the half-lit world- Great way to get off to an awkward start. First off, I'm guessing "rescusing" was supposed to be 'rescuing' instead. Having no punctuation after "taut, tanned and perfect" threw me off a bit. I wasn't sure if that was the description of the 'angel' or just her arms. Since those words come right before mentioning her arms, I'm guessing they do describe her arms. If they were describing the 'angel' as a whole, then they would've appeared in the first sentence. Whichever you mean. If it's for her arms, just put a comma. If you were describing her whole body appearance, then put it at the end of the first sentence.
-When she swept out the cafe her cloak of laughter swept out too- Could probably use a comma after 'cafe' and definately after 'out'.
-Heads turned following it longingly, and when the door swish-swished shut; a shiver of greyskies peeled through the half-empty room- Awkwardness once again. First, technical stuff. Need a comma after 'turned'. And putting a semi-colon after 'shut' is not correct. Connect that with a comma, instead. You could change the comma after 'longingly' into a semi-colon, though, if you wished. And 'greyskies' should be two words. As for the aesthetics of it all, you need to get rid of 'longingly' because it kills a good sentence. That's what makes it awkward. Either find a better way to describe their look, or just leave it without it.
-But unlike them, I did- How about: "But, unlike them, I actually did."
-Kids bright eyed gazes, mens spellbound gapes and girls self-questioning looks directed me to her- Three missing apostrophes in this sentence. THREE!
-Although the sun had already laid a carpet through the clouds leading to the oak bench by the waters edge.- Doesn't seem like a complete sentence, especially with "although" placed at the beginning. Without it, the sentence would be complete. But I think I get what you were trying to do. You were saying you could see the angel/woman, but you didn't actually state that. After "waters edge" (Note, you were missing the apostrophe once again) I was expecting a comma giving some description of the woman sitting on that bench.
-Seeing her again was panick- Limp Bizkit isn't cool anymore. Should be 'panic' without the 'k'.
-but I could still taste the tune melting in my ears.- Very nice figurative language. I like that, taking the ears, which can only hear, and giving them the ability to TASTE. Quite clever. Now write a sentence about a mouth hearing. LOL.
-When I exhaled the trapt breath inside me- *trapped
I think I see why you write so many stories in that lazy 'I don't care' style. At least that way it looks as if you're doing it to be stylistically weird. But in this story it appears you're trying and yet failing. Sorry to be so blunt.
I had to read this story twice. I found it too distracting or something upon the first read, perhaps because of the awkward wording of sentences at times and missing grammar and whatnot. So I went back and read it again, without trying to point out all the mistakes, and I enjoyed it much more. The first one-third of this seems very poorly written. But the story started to pick up and it got better and better as it went along. I actually really liked the ending. It was somewhat poignant.
I was so hoping for some great imagery in this, but I never really got any. There are a few nice descriptions while the girl (or at least I'm guessing it's a girl; I don't think it's ever stated) is watching the angel/woman. You could've painted a picture of that scene, though. But it seems you refrained. Too bad. This is a nice little story, though. It could use a bit or work, a bit of editing, but it's a sweet little piece. Like an appetizer or something.
I read your poetry before I read any of your prose. Your prose, although decent, leaves a lot to be desired, while I was rather impressed with your poetry. The amazing imagery in those poems doesn't seem to translate into these stories, though.
| method acting chapter 1 . 9/5/2005
Woah. You have some breathtaking emotion in this peice...some really excellent descriptions as well. Real. Raw. Pure. Excellent. Lovely job.
| Thorn's-girl chapter 1 . 6/23/2005
One word: Unparalled. This. Is. Amazing. I love it.
| and flowers chapter 1 . 6/14/2005
so fantasy-esque (in a great way) and it leaves you with somewhat haunting chills, for its so lovely. amazing, darling
| SleepDontWeep chapter 1 . 6/9/2005
oh my god that was just so wonderful.. ur descriptions.. as u followed her.. her smile .. ah god just everything about this piece is so moving and beautiful. you are an incredibaly talented wrter keep up d great work! im off to check out ur current baby! well done .. love and admiration Gretchen45 x plz o plz review my story 'Quartz sight' as itd mean alot to me xx tanx x
| Aslan Israel chapter 1 . 6/8/2005
"Its good to see you again," I whispered shakily, my heart tumbling out with every word.
And with that she smiled. Not the smile from her family portraits. Not the smile from the school photo's and news paper cuttings that had tried to reflect her memory. But the smile she'd always held just for me. The smile she'd wrapped up and given to me so long ago; when I'd told her I loved her.
That was perfect. Wonderful descriptions, simple words conveying something so much more complex and so much deeper. Truly a joy to read. Brava.
| Last Dance chapter 1 . 6/8/2005
Touching and haunting. So beautiful. Your use of anguage was stunning with beautiful imagery and powerful emotions. The end has made me cry, it was so powerful and so movingrealy beautiful.
| MyHeart chapter 1 . 6/7/2005
WOW! it's beautiful! great imagery and emotion! I LOVE it!
| kit feral chapter 1 . 6/6/2005
Beautiful imagery. Beautiful language. Beautiful story. Kind of confusing, because of lack of background, but so beautiful and captivating and totally enchanting that it doesn’t matter. It was amazing. I loved it. The ending was so sad. I really enjoyed reading this. It’s awesome. Very good work, keep it up!
| Tragedie the Lone Wanderer chapter 1 . 6/5/2005
whoa...that was really awesome. All I can really say is...dude...SUGOI!
| Sorrowful Dreams chapter 1 . 6/5/2005
this was a good short story. at the ending, it was so touching that it gave me goosebumps.
| An Inside Joke chapter 1 . 6/5/2005
I like your similies, but you need to revise.