|Reviews for One Wish|
| Ballerina with a Gun chapter 12 . 7/18/2005
Since this is Ady's story, shouldn't she know who this mysterious man is? I mean, he couldn't be here without her knowledge. Nothing could, I reckon.
Still, great story. I want to find out more about Anrick...to see exactly where he fits in this strange puzzle.
| Ballerina with a Gun chapter 11 . 7/18/2005
Don't hurt you too much? We'll see...
And I'm so sorry for the delay in reviews. I've been trying to sort out all my stuff.
Great imagery. This is the only story I like out of this category of 'creator gets sucked into creation' thing.
Also...I can't wait to find out who this new man is...
Which is why I'm cutting this review off right now so you don't have to listen to me ramble.
| ConfectusPapilio chapter 9 . 7/13/2005
Sorry I've been gone for so long, my internet has been acting really weird lately. But oh well, here I am, and just as I thought I was getting ahead...I'm behind.
Oh well, on to the chapter.
Style seems great here, but now I'm going to tell you something that's gonna throw you off real bad. (don't worry, it's a normal process) It's better than okay to break the rules. The problem with following the rules too percicly is that you lose any voice your piece might have, remember, you're writing from a character's POV, their going to have their own perspective on what's happening that might not be the complete truth. It's a hard balance to maintain, but with pratice, it works. Keep to style tips, but never lose you're voice, never ever. (I just recovered from the stiff and formal stage my self, the stories I wrote during that time are now locked in my computer never to see the lights of day.) One hint on this is to follow a more harder to catch instance of Show not Tell, it's for thoughts. Don't tell us the character is feeling this way but show it through motions and tidbits you managed from prying into the characters head. It's alot harder. Lots more effective too.
For instance: The 'Silveraven stepped to her side and held...' paragraph, I'll try to edit it, but mind you I'm doing this off the top of my head, don't expect anything great.
With concern, Silveraven laid his hand on top of Ady's small one. She seemed to be a fragil doll, one small push, and she would break. How dare they? How could they have hurt her? Only when a small groan fell from Ady's lips did he realize that his anger had caused him to push harder on her hand then he should. He staired at the girl, unable to take his eyes away, but knowing all the while that he should leave, he had more important things to tend to, but . . . she was Ady.
Okay, not the entire paragraph paraphrased there, but I think you could make a small scene there, a monologue of his throughts and whats goign on there. Hope that made a point.
"'We’re almost there,' Keena called out when Tolren asked how much longer they would be." bit of a repetitive line there. It's not necessary or Tolren to ask, we have the info we need, and it would be something that would flow naturally anyhow.
"small splash of mud" Bit wordy, 'small splash' could be placed with one stronger noun rather than an adj/noun match up. Perhaps try a . . . sprinkleing? I'm not sure I spelled that right.
"hugs of delight in tiny high pitched voices" How do hugs have 'tiny high pitched voices'?
"Standing there momentarily waiting for results, everyone gasped when objects around them grew in size. When they looked down from the dizzying spell, they comprehended what was happening. They were shrinking!" I'm still learning how to make a suprise hit home with a reader, but I think, for effect "They were shrinking!" should come first as it would feel the reader slightly alarmed, unlike being told to be alarmed and then told why. I'm no expert on this though.
"'Besides, we have many ways to pamper our guests'" Okay, just a subplot idea running through my head at this part. I think that since they can pamper them, some Ady/Silveraven could be created as one or the other finds a fairy that facinates them? (they come in males too, right? They've sounded pretty feminime so far)
Dialogue's seemed pretty unhuman through some of this piece and could use soem work, but don't think of changing the way the faries talk, its kinda of an odd mock formality, I really like: "Right now let us tend to those dirty clothes that you possess"
Been wondering for a while (random question) why do you have this rated M? I don't see much M content, but I blieve you could get more readers by knocking it down, unless future chapters will...
I like the name Myo...
I like this monologue you give Tolren. I think, however, I think this would be better with more paragraphing and physical movements that relate to the thoughts. Perhaps use this ditzy fairy to lead to his realization that he loves Cait.
"were to buy in a store she would have simply just looked over them." think this could be rephrased, closer to how should wouldn't even buy them, at least thats how I interpret it.
I like how you show Caits character here, nice show not tell.
Then theres a bit of a gap there in Cait's character change. Perhaps you could make this more subtel and less dramatic?
Very nice chapter, I likes it alot. I'll try to get to chapter ten ASAP, then again, you know how that goes.
| Casey Drake chapter 12 . 7/11/2005
this is very strange, very interesting, and definitely publishable. some spelling errors I noticed, but no more than is usual for a typer.
Thanks for reviewing my stories.
| ConfectusPapilio chapter 8 . 7/4/2005
-First two lines of dialogue sound a bit...awakward. Try to make it something that would just flow from the mouth.
-This plot sems to be developing a typical story plot idea (go get the important artifacts) I dunno if your doing that on purpose or not, but wonder, why is this group of four out to get the artifcats, arn't there better qualified people to go after them?
-I do wonder what the trackers ment by the last line. Does Ady have some specal thing they want, or does Anala...? Hm.
-Just popped into my head as a question, but does Ady have an special powers as the writer, can she edit the story as she's in it?
Anyhow, great chapter, lots of improvement, I see the little revised, you must have done lots of edditing, great job!
| Khenna chapter 7 . 7/3/2005
-Your first paragraph seems a bit random. Don't just change your writing style because you feel like it, this paragraph is much more detailed than you typically write. Also I'd suggest making it into a few more paragraphs (maybe two? one about the animals the other about the fountain) as the way it stands it's too much information in one shot.
-Dialogue's running a bit stiff so far in this part. Try reading it outloud for your self - would you say that to your friends, would your friends say that? Some of this stuff doesn't seem like a normal person would say it that way.
-Wow, Silveraven won't even have some small talk before he dives into whta he wants. I think you could make a small scene with this, where Silveraven keeps asking, politly, about Ronanth's life until he confesses, yes, there is something he needs to know.
-The 'middle section' of a mirror? Not sure what you mean by that, is that the backboard part? Thats what I thinks left after the other two parts are left. Hold it, are these hand mirrors or big people mirrors? Little more discription.
-Okay, my thoughts on big long essay paragraphs that characters must give. (1) It is okay to break it up into smaller paragraphs, in fact, I'd suggest you do, its easier on the eyes, the proper punctuation on this is to (when its continues dialogue through a paragraph break) not put quotation marks after the first paragraphs ends and then put quotation marks at the start of the second paragraph. (2) Character interuptiosn are a natural part of dialogue, have this be interactive, not a classroom. (3) Show character movements and actionsthrough everything
Why does Tolran ask how many objects the Drow have? He was already told...
So when Jill and Dawn are talking, is the story on a pause for the moment while the conversation 'moved on to different matters'? This time thing is so confusing...
Nice chapter, I'll be reading the rest soon. Wow, only three more chapters...you better be working on chapter eleven!
| Khenna chapter 6 . 7/2/2005
-Little nitpicky about your first paragraph, they are in a forest, right? I don't think it would make sense for "Not a soul moved or made even the slightest of tremors" when its sunrise while camping, the animals are quite noisy.
-I might have mentioned this before (not sure if I had), but you can work on redusing your wordiness. I'm a huge fan that you should use as little words as possible, I find that they get the point across the best because you're always forced to find the perfect verb or noun and you never have to modify it. I'd suggest working some of that through, also you use the excess words alot that tend to slip by habit into writng (so, much, very...you'll find other words you tend to like a lot while writing. I always have weird word preference habits)
-Love you how do the emotions for Silveraven, its how it should be between the two, thing is I doubt many writers could see it as well as you do. Great job.
-I'm not a huge fan on omniscient viewpoint writing (thats where you go into all the characters heads) and tend to go for MC viewpoint writing, I do think you've done a good job with this style, It flows nice all the same.
-I'm just wondering now, where is Anala? Did she just disappear? Or is she back on earth? (I might have mentioned this one yesterday...)
-Think these last two paragraphs before the break could be worded a little differently, it doesn't sound quite like they were interrupted. Perhaps you should write something big and romantic, put a pair of dashes in, and let it be interrupted. Then, the :"“Damn you too!" line. I'm unsure, do you want too or two? Both work, but I think you're meaning more of the two?
-"Her lover placed her in the chair and told her to read." Did I read that correctly, these two are a couple? Not anything against lesbian couples, just hit whamo, perhaps you could take a chance to explain a tad more, it just seemed...random...
-Love this with the computer thing contacting her. Very exciting. Excellent chapter, I'll read more tommorow
| Khenna chapter 5 . 7/1/2005
Wow, two chapters in one shot! I'm being a good little reader. Oh well, its a very addicting story all the same, original and just...draws you in...Can't wait to see what happens, its very interesting and you do a good job protraying all the emotions of the characters.
Nitpicky things, I think you love ellipsies more than I do. While they make a nice writing tool, they can be overused.
How does time pass between 'our' world and 'their' world? With her friends searching, are they searchign for the same amount of time?
Also wondering, this little quarteet of people, what is their goal right now, are they just wandering around or where are they headed?
Nice chapter, I'm looking foward to a chance to read more.
| ConfectusPapilio chapter 3 . 6/29/2005
Forgive me, I'm a nitpicy mood. (still fuming at my mom...long story).
Mm, don't know where your going in that opening paragraph thats italizised. I suppose I'll see and later I'll do you how I think it helps.
"Cait rolled in bed irritated" Tad wordy, maybe you could just use 'tossed'?
"sounded it’s annoying" 'its'
"Throwing her pillows around, trying to hit the source of her problems." And the subject is...?
Watch your grammar with commas/capitalzation with Dialogue.
I'm wondering, is this Cait a religous type? If she was brought up with nun's I'd assume so. Just wondering.
"Ten minutes later, she was in her car and on her way to meet John. What a day this might be, she thought. But little did she know that this would be the day that her life would change forever." Little bit too foward of foreshadowing for my taste. Pehrpas you could hint something in the dialogue earlier?
"large and full of muscles" Full of muscles? Interesting way to put it. I'd use 'musculair'
" Over the years, maybe even centuries, with weather and normal wear and tear upon the earth, it had grown into a full size cave." i'm not expert on cave formation, but I believe their from uncovered aquifers. I'm not sure though, then again, thats undergroud caves. Might want to try a spot of research there.
“To that place that I initially brought you here to see.” Bit too odd to be true dialogue. Try something more natural.
", there are putrefying creatures following us" Dito.
"Before she fell completely into the light, she could barely hear him say, “I’ll see you on the other side, Makaila…”
Early morning rang with birds chirping and the sun bathing its surroundings in a golden hew. The air was crisp and refreshing to the body. Cait churned into movement from..." I'd suggest using a page break right about there to make a point.
Looks interesting. Her stories are colliding, are they all going to get mixed up and start coliding. I do wonder. Lovely little chapter. I'll read another tommorow.
| Ballerina with a Gun chapter 10 . 6/28/2005
Very interesting! I love what you've done! The plot thickens and twists in every chapter. The only criticism I have is that your transitions between scenes is abrupt - I got confused every now and then as to what was happening. But that was all. Very awesomely chic story! Can't wait for more!
(Sorry it took me so long to review)
| ConfectusPapilio chapter 2 . 6/28/2005
So sorry I haven't been reading latly. Just been busy online. Been a lazy butt, to tell the truth, but oh well. Sorry about that. Thanks for the review. Ah yes, Grarth Nix. Lovely author. I'm sad though cause he's doen with the Abhorsen stuff, I really loved that series, it was enchanting.
Love this story its so . . . different. Even though it seems like a writers dream you effectivly make it so that we can feel the dark side of this and how Silveraven feels with Anala gone. Main suggestions:-Read through out loud, few words that feel a little bit backwards and out of order-You drift occasionally into Silveraven's POV, its kinda random in three spots I think. I think this would be better if you stayed from Ady's POV, but used body language to get what he's thinking acoros? Do as you want, I'm just a stickler for one POV.
Great job, I'll try to remember to do another chapter tommorow! (sorry about forgetting earlier)
| Ballerina with a Gun chapter 8 . 6/26/2005
Ooh. Creepy. Very good - I love the plot, and awesome action.
Eh...you put 'Nora' in a middle paragraph, where Jill motioned to 'Nora' to gather up the cats at the microphone or whatever. Did you mean Dawn?
All in all, awesome story - this is so great. Can't wait for more!
| Ballerina with a Gun chapter 7 . 6/24/2005
Wonderful chapter. Once again, you've proved Ady is very likable, resourceful, and stable. Good imagery, but maybe a little more description?
Anyhow, I look forward to the next installment. You have a very interesting, intriguing, and *awesome* story!
| Ballerina with a Gun chapter 6 . 6/22/2005
Alright! Awesome...not much criticism I have for this chapter. Jill and Dawn have finally caught on...I can't wait to read more about this (and the blooming romance between Ady/Anala and Silveraven...
| Lazy Ballerina with a Gun chapter 5 . 6/20/2005
Oh...does Jill know what's going on now? This is so awesome...