Reviews for Rahzthalt
Paigery chapter 2 . 7/11/2005
Your characters' names are so much fun to say. My gosh. Hehfleeiara! Jacoa! Kerdifplaron!, yeah, you get the , I really don't like Jacoa, although his name is fun to say. He's saying that he'd do all these girls, which would make him dirty, but he wouldn't do a girl as dirty as himself. It digusts me, but I suppose a lot of boys are like makes me giggle. So confident and elegant when he's just thirteen. He does seem to be a bit pissy with his half-brothers, though. Of course, I would probably be the same way. And I love how Therot and Jacoa are both scared/irritated by him.I love Vikashar giving Jacoa a lesson on where genitals belong as well.-"Fuck you, Vikashar. You bitch more than I do, and about dumber things."-When I read that, I wanted to hit Jacoa. D I'm so then I like how Vikashar decided to back , and now Therot is pissing me off by flaunting having a father while Vikashar and Jacoa don't have one. And I like how Vikashar handles himself, my little narcissist.
Paigery chapter 1 . 7/11/2005
This will be the crappiest review you're likely to get on chapter 1 or any of the others.

I really liked it, and Egewe looks to be my favorite (maybe even more than Vikashar! Can you believe it?) so far. I'm not that fond of Fyree, but I like Snooks too, who, in my opinion, needs a good description. Unless he gets one later on. Or unless he already got one somewhere in that chapter that I didn't see, because I was multitasking while reading, as you well know because you were talking to me while I was reading it.

Anyway, I'm enjoying it so far, and you need to get me a misyntiath. Or draw me a picture of it. Whichever works.
Aldrius chapter 2 . 7/7/2005
Well, this chapter seems to get much more involved in the plot, which is good. I can really relate to Vikashar, except for the sex-with-anything-with-the-capability-to-do-so thing. ;;

Well, written, some parts made me giggle a bit.

Though I'm not a big fan of sexual attraction in characters, it works here. All around, very good. _
K.A. Douglass chapter 4 . 7/7/2005
There seemed to be more dialogue in this part, whereas it was mostly descriptive narrative in the previous parts. I like the switch-up. Variation is good.

I liked seeing the characters interact here. Though you've told me about them individually, seeing their interrelations and reactions to one another was cool. Character development and interaction are my favorite aspects of books and movies, and I'm happy to say that I'm quite fond of it here. :D

And now I'm going to go back to pretending like I'm working. Yay.
Todd chapter 4 . 7/6/2005
I truly feel sympathy for Snooks in this. I can see that he truly had some love for Fyree, despite all of his broken loyalties to her. He admitted he was a bad husband, and if he was bent on maintaining some stupid facade due to not caring, he would never have said that. Even though some of that obvious shaken mood of his was due to fear of his life, via Oazno Amck paranoia, I do not doubt he missed and mourned his wife. Some of his thoughts were probably about wishing he would have shaped up and made Fyree happier before she died, and not let their marital distance continue to expand. I was so touched when Snooks laid his head on the pillow next to hers, and looks at her. I nearly began were on the phone with me during that time.

I also miss Fyree...whatever he former life and self were, she became good person, in my eyes. She was inspired by help from Egewe, and thus extended a caring hand to Vikashar. She cared about others, and her only desire for herself was for her marriage to work, and she tried to close the gap with Snooks. I just feel so damned sad at her death. She became a good person, and was on the verge of working through her emotional problems. She was finding good company in people like Egewe, and perhaps things with Snooks would have worked out. But she was killed before all that had the chance to fully progress. She died with emotional woes, feeling lonely, and yet protecting Vikashar...

Fasia, in this scene clueless, insensitive woman. Talking about Fyree like she was some mammal corpse found on the side of a dirt road, asking Fyree's DEVASTATED HUSBAND what sort of animal might have killed her. Then spoke of how Fyree's living impaired state would scar POOR Vikashar, and how Fyree might become undead and walk the fuck around the estate, to Fyree's DEVASTATED HUSBAND! Fasia, swallow a sedative with a cup of Shut the Fuck Up.

Since I know a great deal more than these chapters have revealed, I cannot say much about Treiyon Darkall. Such as what I think his innocent and comical personality is hiding something besides knowledge. All I *can* say though, is that I find him *extremely* amusing. The things he can do with his body suit his invclination to enterain and be jovial, quite well.

I certainly see why you had more and lengthier descriptions in this scene. For one, a handful of new people were introduced. And though Snooks was in the last chapter, there wasn't enough focus on him for a more detailed profile. You described the surroundings more than usual, because of course this was linked to giving us a peek into an area of Fasia's personality. There's more, but you know all of what you did, so no need for me to reiterate. Just saying I for one can see why the extra description was necessary
K.A. Douglass chapter 3 . 7/6/2005
It would be immensely less difficult to review this chapter properly if (a) I didn't just now get back from a pointless meeting that served only to rehash things we'd discussed for the past two weeks, and (c) I weren't leaving shortly. xX;; Oh well.

I guess that what I'm trying to get across is that though I don't have time to say much, I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. The dialogue between Vikashar and Fyree was both enlightening and entertaining, the latter especially when Fyree offered to kill Vikashar's piano teacher. (Regarding whom, by the way, I am very much looking forward to reading a particular upcoming scene. :P) Fyree's attempt to remain calm while facing imminent death begs the question as to whether she did it for her own sake, or simply to prevent Vikashar from panicking and revealing himself. Either way, that moment was indeed a tense one. Oh, and there's something about Amck that is vaguely familiar, though I can't quite figure out what that is... hopefully I'll remember later and be able to talk about it over the phone or AIM.

One last thing: If a film version of ATiU were released, that final scene would have scared/startled the shit out of me. X_x;
K.A. Douglass chapter 2 . 7/6/2005
I particularly I liked the sensory imagery of resin near the beginning. I can only imagine the tenfold effect of smelling it that strongly, as compared to the relatively less intense effect from opening a violin case-but I think that's what I liked about it.

When they were talking about their "first journey into adulthood," was that referring to the hunt, or rape? xX; If the latter, is that just something that they in particular decided to do, or is that sort of initiantion considered normal for young teenage boys in their world?

"All logical theory dictated that the heroes of idiots were fools."-I really liked that line. Just wanted to mention that.

Therot's reaction to Vikashar talking about Hehfleeiara amused me immensely. XD Granted, you told me of that part before, but reading that still made me snicker, just a bit. :P

"Oh, no, I'm a completely heterosexual person who talks about finding men attractive. Idiot."-I really hope that no one else in the office heard me laughing over that. XD;;

I must say, the arguing between Vikashar and his brothers when Therot relieved himself was... interesting. XD Particularly the jibe about frostbite in a certain area.

When Vikashar was thinking of his mother, and how he always needed her approval and encouragement, how he could never be completely honest with her... I liked that. It shows that he's not entirely untouchable, as he might seem to want to appear. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, it's a humbling quality, and one that keeps him conscious of an insistent need for affection and approval. It's something that really lets readers connect with a character on some level, whether they share the experience or not.

On a final note, ending the chapter with Vikashar hitting on Fyree in that manner was most amusing. XD
Sept. Rose chapter 4 . 7/5/2005
Ah, a chapter centering on the adults. I liked all the varied reactions to Fyree's death, it shows where each person stands. It seems that Fasia favors V over her other children, could that provide for conflict later? Well, I'm talking to you right now, so I can ask you most of my questions there, but I thought I'd let you know it was another enjoyable chapter.

Aldrius chapter 1 . 7/3/2005
Well, at first I was all "ggaahh, too much words!" but when I actually started to read the story with a bit more attention, I really enjoyed it. The story is well written, and does keep my attention! :D

When I read it... at times I was like "LOLOLERZ" and at times I was all "*weep*" I really did enjoy the characters, and there were some funny lines that made me giggle, such as "and Fasia is married to an eight-headed dragon!"

Two thumbss up from Ebert and Roeper!
Todd chapter 3 . 7/1/2005
It's too bad that Fyree died before she could get to know Vikashar better. He is so untrusting, yet I had the feeling Fyree was on the right track with him. She wouldn't just ask for or do things without an explanation. She gave reasons, and even if Vikashar disagreed with some of those things, he at least knew where she stood, and I think it would have gradually become apparent to him that he could trust her to be honest. Even if he thought her too sympathetic about the piano teacher, for example, that could have been a sign that she , it's quite funny that she's a former assassin, yet Egewe has turned her to the emo side. Well, Fyree still showed her assassin instincts when she first offered to kill the teacher for Vikashar. But her mind had been clouded by Egewe's blue poison, so she rescinded the offer. Alas.

Vikashar tries too hard to sound like an adult...and he surely is evasive via misdirection. Fyree is like "Oh! Teacher beats you! Must, must Egewe". And Vikashar is all "No no, she merely disciplines me. My, look at these fingernails I have!". That took her off the issue expediently. Vikashar really should be a magician, because that is all about misdirection. Though, er, magicians would be laughed at in ATiU, because people can perform real 'tricks', hence no need for misdirection of any sort.

Oazno Amck...very charismatic. Sometimes he sounds too full of himself, even for a person like him, and one would be tempted to make a sarcastic remark(LIKE VIKASHAR MAYBE). But see, he already proved he walks the walk when he instantly cooked Fyree to medium rare. So, um, just let him say whatever the fuck he wants, nod politely and even suck up if you must. Wait until AFTER he's gone, THEN rebuke him. Which Vikashar did. I mean, it's odd because Vikashar obviously admires the guy, but I guess it's also natural to want to outperform your role model. And want to also fuck that role model. Which Vikashar does want. I don't blame Vikashar for being horny, however. He just witnessed a murder, which already had his adrenaline up, then Amck turned his adrenalina into libido with an 'approval' kiss. Vikashar cleatly desired an 'approval' fuck.

I must say, Amck is a little too foolhardy for his own good. He wished to inspire admiration from Vikashar, which he did. Then he saw potential in Vikashar, so he encouraged him to succeed in the same area Amck himself has. BUT...don't succeed too much, or there'll be a rumble. What was that? If Vikashar becomes a successful gang lord Amck, he'll be a threat to you just like all the others. He may even trump you, for you cannot predict the future. So why push him along the path you don't want him to travel too far on? Assuming too much. Oazno Amck, you fool.

M, but I did enjoy this final installment of chapter 1. Vikashar received the right push into something he actually enjoys, rather than a career he barely feels any passion for. Why laugh at people from a distance in Urin-teliean, when you can laugh right at them within the same country? Bragging is most satisfying when one can see the reaction of those who can hear you.
mallory kendall chapter 2 . 6/29/2005
Hello again!

I am not going to review this chapter in the manner I usually review in, as this section is mainly pure dialogue and most enjoyable to just read without pauses.

Also, grammatically there was very, very little wrong with it and I'm sure most things have been pointed out already. (However, I will take the time to point out that "sheserved only herself", as you can see, is missing a space between she and served. Damn QE!)

So now I shall continue with my thoughts. While the dialogue was playful, witty, and a great pleasure to read, there were a few moments that seemed a little awkward.

(Note I have abbr. the names of the boys, I apologize in advance for my laziness! heh heh)

1. J. seems hesitant to ask V. about his thoughts on 'becoming a man', yet his dialogue - "And you, V.?" seems a little too eager, and when you explain afterwards that the boys' smiles fade seems to be in contrast. Perhaps it may be better to note his hesitance beforehand, but felt compelled to ask anyway?

2. J. tells V. it is gross for him to find J.'s father sexually attractive, but then quickly decides that it could be taken as a compliment. It all happens rather too fast, I think it may be better to see how J.'s mind works through this reasoning, because the paragraph before seems to be from V.'s POV.

3. V. gets very defensive about his sister being the object of his other brothers' desire, which is obviously hypocritical after how he doted on J.'s father. Later on, you explain this very well with the dialogue between the boys as they find themselves back on this topic, at the *moment* however it a little awkward. One can infer that it is because each of the boys have a fairly narcissitic nature, but I personally would have liked to have seen this irony touched on a little more.

4. Woah. So they really ARE dragons. What a strange land!

5. You write so as to not make the multiple fathers, sleeping around etc. not that confusing. You did a good job, it is fairly easy to keep track of who is who (and subsequently, who is fucking who). This is mere personal taste, but I think it would be a wicked idea for you to draw up some family trees, especially since these families are sure to expand over the course of the story and also have rich and interesting backgrounds. In some stories (especially yours it would seem) family trees can be as important as maps of the land.


So as for my thoughts:

You build up V.'s character (who I am assuming at this point will be the/one of the main characters quite nicely. You mentioned while reviewing my story: "Well, at least she has the sense to realize that she too is being petulant. That's always nice to see in a character. Too bad my protagonist rarely does that. *grin*"

It's true, V. (assuming he is the protagonist you speak of) is very boorish, but is entirely amusing to read. You allow the reader the sense of, 'well he really has no reason to act any other way, especially considering the company he's in'. It also allows for some hilarious moments, like when he asks Fyree if he can 'experiment with her genitals'.

As funny as this moment was, I feel you would not include it without a purpose. Oh noes, going off into the forest alone, eh? Hm, while this seems an slightly awkward place to end, it DOES make me want to continue to read, so Kudos to that.

To Sum: GOOD-JOB'D/10

PS: Oh yes, the insest is a little bothersome at first, but I think the boys are childish enough that it comes off not so bad. I would like to see, however, more about the GENERAL perspective on this in the land. It is common practice? Is it merely those rich and powerful that get away with it? Is it because they are in "the Wild" they act a little 'animalistic'? For instance, there is insest in my tale (surprising, i know! :) but in Hylana it is clearly a very bad thing, so its happening serves a more defined purpose, whereas here you merely have three boys celebrating the fact.

Then again, maybe I'm a prude *wink*
Sept. Rose chapter 3 . 6/28/2005
Ah, so his story truly begins. I feel bad for Fyree, but I suppose it had to happen. I'm intrigued about this guy (Amck), but he will probably show up again. Before that, the conversation between Fyree and Vikashar flowed really well. It seemed to be very in character and gives the reader more traits (Fyree's explanation of killing as bad, even though she is/was an assassin, and Vikashar's rationalization made for interesting dialogue). Hmm. I guess I'm rambling and not really helping, but I liked it all the same.

Sept. Rose chapter 2 . 6/28/2005
Ok, good chapter for getting an idea of what these characters' personalities are like. Their interactions are well-written, and I like how the dialogue reveals their personalities (I feel redundant). Also, the ending was funny, with Vikashar trying to explain logically having sex with Fyree, who wasn't having any of it. I felt exasperated *for* her.

Onto the next!ASR
Moose chapter 3 . 6/28/2005
I think I liked this last part the best. It just seemed to flow better and was more interesting-er not to say that the other ones weren't.

This whole concept of a war going one between Fasia's children seems a little bit cliche to me. It seems like I've read too many stories where there's a war or some sort of fighting that the adults don't know about/understand-usually because the author is a little kid who dreams about something like that. No offense intended, of course. I suppose your version is different considering the feud is between children with the same mother but different fathers. The other part that struck me as a little bit odd was that it wasn't mentioned when Vikashar was talking with Therot and Jacoa where it seems that it would be an important topic.

Also, while you're talking about the war between the children, you say "Insults came to his lips readily and he did not think to silence them, which won him quite a few fights." Maybe it's just me, but I find it sort of hard to understand wether you're saying that his insults STARTED the fight or actually made him the victor.

Lastly, I don't understand why Amck would give Vikashar his heart-something that you would think is very precious to him. It just seems like it came out of the blue.

To be honest, that's about it. It's becoming harder and harder to find faults, which I suppose is a good thing. D
mallory kendall chapter 1 . 6/27/2005
Hello Nosmada.

First off, thank you for the thorough review. It's good to know there are people on this site who take the time t read something. Also, I apologise if anything I review was already stated by others, as I do not read other reviews on the same 'chapter' until after I post.

Right, moving on.

"It would warm her lips with its heat, burning toward its eventual destination and staining her fingers when it did." - - I love and dislike this. It's a very real, relatable description, esp. the staining of the fingers. However, I was a little confused by why you might have chosen the word "burning". It does not sound like a pleasant feeling, and I was wondering if you meant 'the eventual destination' was the tummy because because then "burning her fingers when it [reached the eventual destination]" as the sentence implies does not make perfect sense.

Or perhaps I am just being too critical too quick. *grins* (I don't even take half of what I suggest to others into my own work haha)

"She forgave him his idiosyncrasies" - - simple grammar, I assume that the 'him' isn't supposed to be there. OR it's supposed to be 'him AND his etc.'

"Fyree was seldom one to condemn." - - Just me but I would link this sentence a little better, otherwise the end of the paragraph sounds a little choppy. (NOTE: when I re-read the last three sentences it sounds fine, but when I went back and read the whole paragraph it still sounded a little choppy. I shall still leave the comment in however, just so you can understand my craziness and way of thinking)

"She knew that this silly..." / "She had realized this..." - - basically stating the same thing a little too close in proximity to each other.

Near this point in the introduction you mention that it's dark all the time and Fryee is currently working in the dark. When I first started reading I did not have this vision in my head at all, and it was a little annoying to adjust the picture I had in my head. Perhaps you might mention the setting a little more early before the rant (a very GOOD rant though) about the mrhhala.

"guilt has never been your strongest point." - - guilt really isn't a point so much as a feeling or, in this sense, a characteristic. It IS dialogue however, so perhaps this is just the way these people speak.

I like how we are introduced to Snooks as an assassin. Well done. (NOTE: there's a UNION of assassins! Ha ha, love it)

Good dialogue... I like Snooks metaphor for Fyree being an assassin that has taken her own life. Kick ass.

"footfalls loud as they struck the snow..." - - walking on snow really isn't all the loud, as snow tends to muffle footsteps (albeit the crunching it causes) Unless, of course, it were to be utterly silent in the forest, but it may be more wise to make that comparison than to just say the 'footfalls were loud'

(NOTE: the above is also purely my opinion, there is nothing wrong with it at all)

"The lady Fasia was quite a few men..." - - another grammatical thing. Did you mean, "was with quite a few men"?

I find it odd that Egewe would say "Be confident in your opinions" right after he disagreed with them, and was a little distraught by them.


Okay well the rest of that seems pretty solid. Woah ho ho though! Secrets secrets... Hm, is Fasia actually married to an eight-headed dragon or is that some sort of metaphor? I wonder what her children are like...(heh heh)

Oh yes, as friendly as Egewe is, he seems a little sketchy to me... I wonder, is he really all that good? Maybe my imagination is already running wild.

In any case, good prologue, makes me want to read more which is the most important purpose of one. I can see it is not quite over though which seems that it may because a little lengthy. Keep in mind it is a prologue, after all, not the first chapter with a fancy name *wink*

Kidding aside, the intrigue and mystery is at a good level, not so much that it confuses a reader, but enough to get them to want to know more.

To sum: excellent, excellent balance. Good character introductions as well, and since Fasia is not present and we learn of her through others, it was good of you to give her a couple different viewpoints (i.e. Egewe's view counters Fyree's and Snooks.)

I look forward to reading more.

Mallory Kendall
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