Reviews for Rahzthalt
Todd chapter 2 . 6/22/2005
(I typed this in Mic WordPad, so it may not transfer to the review page in an entirely orderly manner)

I guess the main topic of discussion for this section, would be the three brothers, their traits, and their 'rapport'.

First though, I'd like to commend your sense of what to describe, and how much to describe it. You gave us enough of a picture of their surroundings, without spending more time than that picture warranted - unlike Tolkien. You may not have told us every detail about the brothers' attire, or even gave every nuance of info on the physical traits of them, which is fine. You painted Vikashar the most, which is proper, as he is our main viewpoint character for this prologue section. As for the other two, I think we did not need more than what was relevent to the current events, which you gave. Therot's resemblance to his father, Jacoa's eyes, those were their only features which had some bearing on this. And even with Vikashar' you did not give out surplus details unless it was the result of some intention or action, such as his cheeks and the visible blood(er, making the trait not so surplus, I guess). The only minute details I can recall being given about the landscape, was the pretty, sand star speckled black universe of a stone Vikashar pelted Therot with(the stone may have been prettier than Therot!). It was not an ordinary, grey stone, so that was noteworthy.

Well now, it was certainly interesting watching the three of them trying to prove that their phallic symbol was the largest, only to be hit with some personal kryptonite. It's interesting that Jacoa accused Vikashar of blinding himself to his own flaws(and he's probably correct), whilst Jacoa and Therot also seem oblivious to the same. Jacoa called Vikashar an asshole(again, probably right), just after he had somewhat mocked Vikashar for his sexuality and talked dirty about Vikashar's full sister. I mean, plenty of hypocrisy and lack of empathy with these guys. Vikashar sees nothing wrong with admitting attraction to someone's father in front of them, despite someone doing the same with his sister in his presence bothers him. Therot didn't like Vikashar talking about his father that way, chastisted him for doing so, then went on to speak with much more candor about Nollika.

And yes, I do think Jacoa had alot of things about Vikashar mostly correct. Vikashar is either blind to his flaws, or will not admit them to himself. He denies arrogance, yet he spoke of how he was the smartest boy in the Wilds, and how he would laugh at his 'idiotic' brothers from Urih-teliean when he arrived at a prestigious career there. Not only that, but THOUGHT THAT HE WAS BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE. He denies being violent. Yet while Therot's diatribe about illegitimacy wounded both Vikashar and Jacoa deeply, Vikashar was the one to throw a pretty stone at Therot.

And yet, that is part of a larger picture of Vikashar's mindset. I think he has a stalwart picture of himself, which he uses to classify all of his actions and traits. He has compassion, but he obviously denies that to himself, because he was surprised at his feeling compassion in this. With that in mind, I do not believe Vikashar to be natural born asshole, just that he controls his outward actions in a way which puts him in that classification. He has compassion and kindness in him, and were he not to restrain such traits, people would not see him as an asshole. But no, he likes to say stupid shit about and to people, and flaunt that he doesn't give a shit what hurt or anger he causes. I know a few assholes like that, but I highly doubt they have any kindness to restrain. So I suppose that oddly makes Vikashar a better person than any of them, in a way.

Then we of course have the cracks in the boys' facades of alpha maleness. Yes Jacoa, Therot and Vikashar, you're all badassed and have huge penii. But Therot, you're sensitive about your father's personality and intentions, because you know alot of it is unrealistic. Jacoa, you're sensitive about your father and your illegitimacy. Vikashar, you have some of Jacoa's sensitivity there, and you react badly when others point out what an asshole you come off know, it really is too bad that Vikashar comes off that way to some of his family, but if he were to venture out into the Wild Lands, I suppose his hardnosed approach to molding his outward personality would be useful...

Oh, and one more thing about Jacoa's assesments of Vikashar. He truly does not know how to act around people in some ways, which is evidenced in his inability to understand why Therot and Jacoa found his advances on Fyree so humorous, and why Fyree was (maybe?) affronted.
Sekoku Tachibana chapter 2 . 6/21/2005
(Going to be disconnected, because I'm reading and noting as I go.)

"2) Vagueness is good, but not lack of description - I barely know what your characters look like or the world theyare in. I was able to pick up certain things like mrhhala being a substitute/equivalent of cigarettes or tobacco or the like - that kind of stuff is okay and cool - but what the heck is a misyntiath other than a creature which apparently can be skinned?"

I agree with the above. While, you have cut back on the Tolkien level writing (*bows*), the prologue doesn't give much detail. Exception being Vikashar. I know you love him, but the other characters need to be described. Not all NPC's (to use RPG terms) are unimportant enough to not describe. If the others were nameless, I'd let this slide. A few suggestions to describe in more detail:

Vikashar's brothers. While, we have their ages, we don't get enough of their personalities or looks.

Vikashar: "I thought that Fasia was worried for his health and did not wish for him to go out of the house more than necessary."

What is this condition?

(Chapter 1, I know, I didn't review so I'm skimming quick. I may miss or hit, don't mind it TOO much.)

Fyree: Describe how her life has changed since the past 10 years? It's not important enough to really write on, but it would help characterize her and give the reader reasons why she "can't have a family." Being an assassin in the past can't be the ONLY reason, can it? (You may disagree, but there are many motives to not having children. A major one being stabbed in the gut, from what the readers know. But, you didn't exactly say she was stabbed in the reproductive organs, 'kay? Just covering your bases.)(("Why? I have sinned considerably. I do not deny this, and I accept the gods' punishment." She belives in fate? Not commen in most assassins.)) Describe her looks? (Unless I missed this)

If we're going to see Egewe again, you might want to describe his looks here.

(Back to Chapter 2. *whew!*)

"Yes, yes. Well. She's pretty. Nice breasts. If you can shut her up long enough for that, I guess I would choose her. Wouldn't be it be wonderful if she were a virgin? Maybe she is. I want a nice, sweet little virgin. I hear that they're the best." This would turn off, many a potential reader. But, you're looking for common denominator. Nice possible rape forshadow.

"Me?" Vikashar inquired, grinning impishly. "I'm sure you would love to know." DENIED! XD

"Vikashar imagined that the man must have been cold. One did not dress so scantily in winter, although putting clothes on Hehfleeiara seemed almost insulting." Oh noes! Odeipusal complex in reverse! Don't tell me Vikashar will jump on his father(?)! (Note: I'm kidding, but knowing Vikashar...:p)

"Still, Vikashar sometimes did tire of pining away for his mother's husband, who was presumably out of reach, so he had decided that some fresh air might be in order. " BA-DA-BING! I knew it! XD

"Of course,Vikashar thought that part of Hehfleeiara's desirability was in the fact that he was quiet, aloof, removed, and a challenge. He did not voice this musing." Hahaha, best line I've read so far.

"Oh, no, I'm a completely heterosexual person who talks about finding men attractive. Idiot." I should put that in my AIM profile. XD

"He [Vikashar] liked the sight of his blood, and flaunted it often." Masochist? Sadist?

"His right eye was pupil-less, dark red, the colour of human blood." How did he lose it? Or, was it a trait-by-birth? Going to explain this later, or was it a slip of your mind?

"Alright. First of all, there are no knights around anymore. You're in the wrong era. Secondly, your brother and step-father are dragons, so if you wanted to hunt one, then you're in the wrong place. And lastly, what excuse are you planning to give Mother if you get frostbite on your cock? Shall you be Sir Frozencock? My, how fitting, Therot. I shall laugh long and hard at your grievous misfortune." Hahahaha, I laughed hard the last bit.

"What does it matter, Therot?" Vikashar sighed. He was not in the best of moods tonight, but neither was he sporting for a fight. "We all came from the same-" he began to say cunt, but that would have been inappropriate. This was his mother, after all, and a respectable lady as well. She deserved veneration from her progeny. "-womb." Indeed. Be nice to dear old mother.

"You deserved worse," Jacoa spat, seething. "You've got no call to go talking about our fathers that way, Therot. You can't say whether or not Vikashar's father loves him, or mine loves me. That's for their hearts, and not for you to know. And so what if your father is around? If you want my opinion, I think it's because he's a big pussy. He just sits in that study of his reading tomes, and when you even look at him funny, he turns pale and wanders away." Nice sticking up for Vikashar there, Jacoa.

"Why, how dare you accuse me of such! You were earlier implying that you would like to rape Efia!" Drop the "Why," for better reading.

"So don't tell her." Vikashar cocked his head, grinning flirtatiously. "His face will heal. He's not going to die or anything. It is really a trifling matter. Now, now, my dear Fyree, you look to be a delicious piece of candy wrapped in that weird sweater of yours. You wouldn't be interested in a thirteen-year-old purple boy, would you? Because I assure you, I'm ready and willing." Damn, starting with the horny-ness now?

"Jacoa. Therot. Go home. I can see that I am going to have to have a talk with your sibling." Fyree placed her hands upon her hips. Her formerly-unmoving lips twisted up on one side to reveal something which almost looked to be an irritated twitch. Aww...stopped too soon.-

Comments: 1) It's a REALLY GOOD start. I applaud that you have this all planned out from your childhood. It shows. 2) Description: As above, you've cut the level of detail, along with the size. I don't mind the LEVEL, insofar as the SIZE. "Tolkien level" writing isn't needed for most things, but describing recurring characters and those worth note would be good. 3) I'm hooked, but you knew that from the "teaser trailer" you posted a long time ago. 4) Post the last part SOON, because the sudden cut off of this part sucks hard. 5) Stop using Quick Edit, damn it. :p (Not that good of a review, because I think notations crarry most of my review. And, it would just be beating a dead-horse if I repeated it.
Moose chapter 2 . 6/21/2005
Very enjoyable to read. Though, to put it in perspective, this is the sort of the scene that would take up a half-page to a page in many other stories-though not to say that's a bad thing.

To be honest, I can't find a whole lot that I can offer advice on how to improve. I'm sure people have all ready pointed out the few places were there aren't spaces between words. However, there was one point where Jacoa looked up and saw the World Beyond and said "It's beautiful." Even if it's and understandable character reaction, it's sort of a cliched situation.

Also, your characters seem to move back and forth between being mature and child-like. At one point, Therot made a sort of adult observation about how stuck up Vikashar was and then went to saying how his dad said he would take him to Urih-teliean someday and how they'd be happy. It sort of seems that Therot is the baby of the group, but he still makes remarks that don't exactly coincide with the rest of his dialogue. Though it's possible I'm wrong-I've been around immature guys way too much and have a hard time being unbiased.
Souzou chapter 2 . 6/19/2005
It was a good chunk of prologue. Was that the last part of it?

Vikashar is just . . .he's a horny little bugger.

Pretty good though, I liked it. Sorry I can't think of much else to say though.
K.A. Douglass chapter 1 . 6/19/2005
I'm reviewing! See? Reviewing. XP

I don't recall you telling me before that Snooks spoke with an accent, but knowing that now... well, it certainly makes his future conversations with a certain someone more amusing. But then again, I'm easily amused. :P And I've got to say, when he said "Nah. I wouldn't stick it in Fasia, sexy or not. She's crazy"-that definitely made me snicker. As true as that statement is, its bluntness is special. XD

I already pretty much told you what I think of Fyree, but I just wanted to reiterate that I like her character, and I can't help but feel sorry for her. "Oh, but a profession such as that does take your life, Snooks. However, it does so slowly, one day at a time. It devours your insides and your soul."-You can really hear her suffering there, though it seems she tries to conceal it most of the time.

I like Egewe, too. When he was all happy about his daughter, but suddenly realized that he was being insensitive to Fyree's position, his sensitivity and concern about the feelings of others is very apparent.

That's all I can really think of to say for now. Shall have more to say with your next upate.
Shin-No-Nekochan chapter 1 . 6/18/2005
My thoughts on your prologue:

1) It gets the reader hooked with a lot of mystery, but some readers get frustrated by that. Perhaps explain just a few simple things? See below.

2) Vagueness is good, but not lack of description - I barely know what your characters look like or the world theyare in. I was able to pick up certain things like mrhhala being a substitute/equivalent of cigarettes or tobacco or the like - that kind of stuff is okay and cool - but what the heck is a misyntiath other than a creature which apparently can be skinned?

3) Plot-wise, the conflicts and relationships introduced provide a good prologue and, hopefully, they will be further developed

Your world seems to be a pretty cool place and I hope to be indulged of it more. :) Good luck!~Fru-chan o / Shin-No-Nekochan
Sylvia Ann Elliot chapter 1 . 6/17/2005
I was going to read this and submit a real review, but I was intimidated by your awesome review of my story (can I match your standards?) and scared off by your Author's Note.

So let me just say, thank you very much for your review of Necromanceress and I will use your advice when rewriting it (Especially the bit about archaic language).
Sept. Rose chapter 1 . 6/15/2005
Hi! I found this story through Souzou, and I'd just like to say that it seems like you're off to a good start. You have great descriptions, and your dialogue is really good. Keep it up!
Souzou-chan chapter 1 . 6/15/2005
Hey not bad at all! It's a great start to your novel there Nos-chan! _

The descriptions are wonderful, it definitely paints the picture and the characters well.

Speaking of the characters, they're well built so far.

Hm, can't think of much else. ;;
Todd chapter 1 . 6/15/2005
You're certainly skilled at making someone care about a character, even if they are not to be the main protagonist of the novel. While I have respect for some of Fyree's motivations and reactions, she isn't someone I'd greatly look up to. Yet I care about her. That's one of the main goals of any author, right? To be able to coax the reader into caring about any character, even if they are not role model worthy in the reader's eyes. I can see Fyree is trying to assemble an ideal life compared to before, and I hope she goes on to do so *G*

I'm glad to see that Fyree isn't so snappy or bitchy as redemption seeking characters you'd find in other books. Her hate does not burn like fire, and so she does not aseninely rebuke Egewe when he is trying to help. Granted, he at times was a little forward for barely knowing her, and so I wouldn't have lamed Fyree for questioning whether he is genuine. But she didn't, which either shows how open to friendship and help Fyree is, how strongly Egewe appeals to one's sense of reason and softness, or both. And I think Fyree sensed that he offered *help*, and not *charity*.

Anyhow, I also like some of the ways Fyree feels stained. She isn't so worried about the judgement of deities, as she is most heavily and harshely judged by herself. She has a good sense about that. No matter how forgiven you are by others, even deities, a guilty party will never feel free of that prison until they themselves truly feel washed and redeemed. Another good sign is that some of the more heartless souls don't feel guilty for long or at all, so Fyree obviously has quite a noble conscience, or at least has developed one in recent years.

What to say about Egewe? Not much which you haven't put in his profile, but I will say you get the profile contents across well. He's a very kind man, and I greatly admire that kindness, his patience, as well as how clever he is in going about helping another. But I do get the impression that he assumes a little much, and will sometimes inaccurately project his own emotional issues onto others. He's probably very accurate in thinking this about Fyree, and perhaps he used his sentimental senses to discover such things. Loneliness, the want for a family, etc.

But I notice he's able to go most into detail about those things he can relate to, and he kind of gave generalized sentiments about her feelings of guilt over her past assassinations and such. I guess his ability to counsel goes so far - not that that makes him any less than wonderful in my eyes, and he seems to do a good enough job with what abilities he has.

Snooks, hmm. He's certainly less helpful and caring than Egewe is. That difference sticks out like a sore thumb. He doesn't really come off as an asshole in this(to me), because he does seem to care somewhat for his wife's feelings. Yet it seems like a backburner worry, akin to the way you might worry about your dog or a sophisticated dish you are preparing, rather than your wife. Maintenance love, rather than passionate love. Er, that and he's most likely lying about some things.

The marriage of Fyree and Snooks does sound like it was based on conveniences at the time, and maybe some love. Listening to them both, I can't see them connecting much in conversation, outside of their former jobs and ambition. Fyree comes off as alot more deep and caring, while Snooks reminds me of a somewhat impulsive, live-for-the-day college boy.

The only snag I noticed I discussed with you last night, and may not be a snag at all. I noted that her prey was known for spreading disease, yet I wondered why Fyree picked the thing up with her hands, without any apparent concern. Alright, so it may be a given that she'd be wearing gloves in the winter, and perhaps I was just too tired last night to think of it. But I wonder how apparent it would be to others. No way for me to know for sure *shrug*

I look forward to the second half
Moose chapter 1 . 6/14/2005
I really liked this part. It was easy to understand, yet not overly simplistic. Very nice.

In the first few paragraphs, though, it struck me as sort of weird that Snooks would say "darlin'". The only time I've ever heard a male say that was perhaps in Gone with the Wind, and even then it didn't feel quite right. I'm not trying to fit your characters into stereotypes of gender and say "Oh, guys don't say that!"-it just seems sort of awkward for him.

Next, screeching sounds "departing" from the creature's mouth seems like sort of a contradiction in terms. "Departing" is more of a calculated action, or at least not the type of action something would do if it was dying.

At one point, too, Egewe said "Lady Fasia is kindness". I'm assuming that it was a typo, as calling someone "the embodiment of kindness" would be sort of weird. D

Lastly, perhaps I'm not understanding Fyree's complete character, but it seems a little strange and cliche for her to mention that the middle of the night is a great time to kill people just off-handedly. But perhaps it's just me.

At any rate, if the entire thing is this good...uh, it'll be really good. D
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