Reviews for The Desert of Time
Ladybug403 chapter 2 . 6/30/2005
Still peaked my interests. I bet it's probably the scary, crazy assistant. Hm...I will keep reading. _ Keep up your good writing. I'm expecting your next chapter. _ Ladybug403
Ladybug403 chapter 1 . 6/30/2005
Hm...Very interesting. It has caught my attention so, I'll keep reading. _ Keep up the good writing. _ Ladybug403
Clodhopper chapter 2 . 6/29/2005
Aha - suspense, a taste of my own medicine, I see. Well, let me tell you, it's bitter. And who might be the owner of this mysterious hand? I suppose I will just have to wait and see.

Quick to figure out that they're related - maybe, to make that transition smoother, you could give her a birthmark or a tattoo that she was given as a child and "Safe Haven" could recognize that? It might work.

Dont forget to keep mentioning the pain she's in, since people dont normally heal fast. I get a paper cut and im complaining about it for the next month.

Keep writing!

~Mack
Clodhopper chapter 1 . 6/29/2005
Hey, this is Mack (Ty's cousin and the other half of Clodhopper), here to review.

I liked how you started it off with the running scene - action, I've found, is always the most interesting intro. It gets people sucked in, dont it? Anyway, I liked that. I also like how she's focused on the earings more than anything else, though I personally would make mention of the vendor etc before they suddenly start chasing her. Oh, and as for the full grown men being slower than her...perhaps you could describe a few of them? short, overweight, something like that would be nice. Desert of Time...dum dum dum. Ominous name, yes? I shall continue...

~Mack

PS thank you so much for your wonderful review! I'm happy to return the favor - as is Ty - and I hope some of the ideas we have come off as helpful and not arrogant or something. Thanks again!
temblance chapter 2 . 6/29/2005
good story so far, I just have a few comments:the sentences are a little short at the beginning. this is not a bad thing, it works very well for the fast-paced, action scenes. however, sometimes it cuts description, which is something we could have more of.

oldera language. nice name- old, era. I don't know if that's coincidence or not, but it sounds cool. Kind of reminds me of Latin (root words to figure out new vocab and stuff)

and one random question: how did they get water in the desert? was it hot springs?

all in all, a pretty good start to the story. i liked the ending of the second chapter- it sets up for suspense and we want to figure out "Elentia's" true identity. good job!
Clodhopper chapter 1 . 6/29/2005
This was a pretty good first chapter. You have some fairly short sentences, but that's alright, short sentences are easy on the attention span (mine especially). You may want to explain that there is a crowd of people around when she is looking at the earrings because it seems like the people show up out of nowhere.

When writing, try not to use too much common language, such as "ran smack into a cactus." Also, it would be nice to see a little more detail about the town she's in. Is it a warm day? What is the atmosphere like? What are the penalties if one if caught stealing? Adding these things may help the reader better visualize the scenario. Show us the story, don't just tell us. Try to use the five senses.

Overall, it was pretty good. Just work on using the five senses and a bit of detail to help us visualize the story a little better and I'll bet it will be nearly perfect.

~Ty
Nicole.A chapter 2 . 6/29/2005
The first two chapters are good starts. The story deffinatly looks promising. I'll be a reader of it till the end. Keep up the great writing and remember to have fun with it.

~**Nicole**~
Oni Starwind chapter 2 . 6/29/2005
Oh my what a huge cliffhanger. you just have to update soon. I must know who toched Elentia on the shoulder. Man you update fast.
toothofthehydra chapter 1 . 6/29/2005
Ooh wow this is really good so far! You're really good at writing suspenseful action stories...keep up the awesome work! ;)
Oni Starwind chapter 1 . 6/29/2005
I guess i'm your first reader. Great job Keep up the good work. THIEF!
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