Reviews for slug
HauntedMisery chapter 1 . 11/4/2005
This is good, great work
Gilee7 chapter 1 . 10/11/2005
I could've pointed out like a million mistakes in this piece, but I think most of them were done for stylistic reasons, so yeah. And even these might've been.

-a good day's when you dont exsist- I don't see the point of spelling a word wrong on purpose, so I'll point out all those. *exist. And then on 'dont' you didn't put an apostrophe, which might be for style reason. But in that same sentence you put one on "day's" so I don't know. You use it sometimes and you don't.

-it took time untill- *until

-I'm still disguesting- *disgusting

-( so glad i kept my socks on). - I really liked that line. It's refreshing. This piece is very intense throughout with all these emotions bubbling over, but that one little line there made me smile. And somebody said it was cliche, but I've never seen this in writing before, so I don't see how it could be called cliche.

-disposable tv-tears, not diamond illustrations of what i've become- Probably my favorite bit of writing in this piece.

-i sit there- With the way this entire story(?) reads, I would've put "here" instead of "there". It just fits in more with the piece.

Personally, I hate these "let's ignore all rules of the English language and write like we're in 3rd grade" kind of pieces. An English teacher would DIE over this piece. But ... I must say, despite my personal distate for it, it does add a bit of urgency to this piece. It gives off that feeling that you just sat down and poured all of this right out of you in just a span of a few seconds, not caring about being grammatically correct or wasting time to hit the CAPS button. It's incredibly emotional and quite powerful, and for that, I applaude you.
pneumothorax chapter 1 . 8/14/2005
As though they're gasping for breathe & it's an obvious technique you've used with some lack of punctuation and starting with 'and's but it works. First line around the 'and everything you took away from me boy you burnt me bad and' point and it kicks in. Like the stream of consciousness idea.

Socks on is cliche but nevertheless.

From 'well hope you feel glorified.' to the end is perfect. Obscenely good for some reason. That couldn't be better.
Kitten973 chapter 1 . 8/10/2005
painful memories.i love your metaphors, they add so much depth in so little heart is durable,thank god for that,but the scars never seem to fade.

kitten xx
Elizabeth Ebony chapter 1 . 8/9/2005
its horribly bitter and .i like it-you got the message across.
Sarah-Brighteyes chapter 1 . 8/6/2005
"like you didn't just destroy the life where i smiled daffodile smiles" Bitter... crushing...

"these day's im just a handfull of ash" slam... I cant completely remark. I understand... I think alot of people do...wow.
Sorrowful Dreams chapter 1 . 7/22/2005
wow...petrifying little story. I hate people who do that...it's just not right. but you did great explaining this stuff.

Sorrow
Amara the Warrior chapter 1 . 7/18/2005
This is also great. You're just a handful of ash. That line is perfect.
emogurlie06 chapter 1 . 7/13/2005
Whoa.

Just wow. WOW. Man, I hope the dude this is for is dead right now, because that was gripping. It was raw and scathing and I liked it. No, scratch that, I LOVED IT. It's refreshing to find something this raw and the style you chose to right this in is unique too. I really liked it.
Aslan Israel chapter 1 . 7/8/2005
Wow. Wonderful, yet sad descriptions. Perfect end. Heartbreaking.
pleasecometrue chapter 1 . 7/8/2005
I think I may love you
DarkVoice chapter 1 . 7/8/2005
great really liked the ending line it describes a lot i think awesome job.
addie pray chapter 1 . 7/5/2005
This was raw and dripping and I adored it. Well done.
Z.K. Gress chapter 1 . 7/5/2005
you have done it again- and whether you want my pity or not- wow, i dont even know you and i feel sorry- you have a way of afflicting the reader thank you
linaeve chapter 1 . 7/4/2005
like a previous reviewer said, the entire thing left me feeling rather breathless and... i dunno, i suppose 'exposed' is the closest word that fits. raw, maybe. some typos here & there- "exsistent" and "echo's", but as lovely as the whole poem is together, the plot and diction shine brilliantly. beautiful job.
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