|Reviews for Les Garçons Perdus|
| Allen-Oz chapter 6 . 9/6/2005
No, he needed to try ‘family time’. Jen was a perfect example of that. If he had started this earlier, Jen probably would not be pregnant. If she had known that she had a big brother who cared about her, she would not have had to go looking for it in a boy. She had been crying out for attention, and he had turned a blind eye to her. Thanks to his idiocy, we would be expecting a little niece or nephew in June.
I noticed these things right away as character expositions that tell instead of show. You need your character to speak of this guilt or at least think it to himself, as it stands you're just telling us.
Interesting chap, I can see a bit of a similiarity to our stories.
| Khenna chapter 6 . 8/25/2005
hm, first chapter from Brian. Very intersting guy you developed here. I don't like him, if you want to know, but you make him very real and is still readable so don't worry.
Can't figure out how he's gonna play as an important enough character to write a viewpoint from, but that's your job.
Are you planning on have some big crisis happen soon? Cause I've got the fealing that the stage is set and the beggining is done. Not saying its getting slow, but if you keep moving without introducing any large disaster things will get slow pretty soon.
Anyhow, hope to see the new chapters up soon. By the way, I'm gonna start Ardinie updates this weekend. Starting with Chapter one, but its different (and hopefully has stronger Mellicia voice) but just so you know, it'l be there soon.
| Khenna chapter 5 . 8/25/2005
Sorry if I made you think I was mad about you about the whole Christian thing by not responding to that last email, but school, you know how that goes. Especailly with stupid marching band. I'd love to go more indepth with this chapter, but I really don't have time right now because . . . its all hectic. When I have a chance (someday, someday) and you're still willing I'd be willing to help you out a bit.
I know the beggining felt a little awakward at parts, but I skim/read the rest hurring up, so maybe it was just because I read the begging better than the rest.
| Khenna chapter 4 . 8/12/2005
Four paragraphs in and its a much smoother read so far. Nice improvement. (by the way, I only got the one email like you guessed. Don't you hate it when you get something lengthy writeen for the email to not work?)
Much smoother transition into the flashback, nice job. I can't ever manage flashbacks, its sad.
"dreading where the conversation was heading" Maybe a small thing, but you're using the word dread so much in paragraph whatever that maybe you could pick something different for variety.
'"lately,”' Then you have Seth interrupt Damian. Instead of a comma, I would suggest a '-'
With this line "'Well, I know you may be a bit angry at God right now because of Steve’s death,” he could remember Damien putting a hand on his shoulder at this point, “But you have to understand, that God loves you and does not want you to turn away from him in your grief.'", knowing what I know of Damian, I think I can hear a sort of fake sympathy growing. Is that how you want it to sound or, is he more sincear.
Much better actions on Damian losing his train of thought there. Makes it seems alot more real.
Just out of curiosity, you imply that at some point Seth did go to church ("Well, I’ve noticed that you haven’t been at church lately"). So what was his religious stand point before this Steve thing.
On a whole, bravo. You did a wonderful job on this rewrite. Now I need to go rewrite Ardinie, but . . . eh, I'm being a bad person with this procastination. Chapter five will be when?
| ConfectusPapilio chapter 4 . 8/11/2005
Yeah, I know I havn't responded to your email. I mean to do it ASAP but when I got home from camp camp and hadn't recovered yet it was band camp . . . then band camp messed with my immune system and now I'm still sick. Havn't been writing very well,the sickness is fogging my head and I"m not thinking the straightest. I'll respond to your email once I finally can understand my thoughts.
To the chapter...
The first paragraph seems a bit awakward. Thinks its too wordy. Think you could cut out "the slightest bit" and maybe rephrase how he (a) wants to get to the building and (b) its cold out side. The way you currently said it sounded repetitive, though I know its not looking at it.
Pragraphs one two and three...the word 'Dread' way too much. You could probally slip in some synanyms (sp) or maybe a pronoun once in a while.
Hm, thinking about it I think I found a bit of a weekspot in this story. I have no clue what the timeline looks like. Perhaps (through all the chapters) you can incert something to tell us how far they are into time? I'm a bit confused cause I'm thinking its about a week so far, but its already cold? Few more references would be helpful.
Wow, you weren't like short sentances at all when you wrote this, were you? I'd suggest a bit of variety with short and long to help it out. Right now I see lots of commas and semicolons and not enough periods.
Seventy five minuite classes? Is this blocked?
"he knew the only place he would end up in jail." Can't help but say 'duh' to this statement. Perhaps you could reword it closer to the lines of explaing how Seth didn't havethe smarts to pull it off without being caught? I think thats closer to what he actually feels. Maybe the two sound the same, but theres a slight difference in emphasis that matters. Maybe I'm just tired and sick...
Little lesson on Christian maxiums, (though I suppose, there are so many people going out in the name of God who seems to get the facts wrong...still though) it is impossible to prove you are worthy to God. You have Damian say that: "He gives us all personal, unique tests, which we must go through to prove ourselves worthy" But, unless he is Morman, is not ture. (I'm trying to sound unbiased here, but you know my faith, sorry) Christians believe that because we have sinned we are unworthy of God. The only attonment that exists is that found in Jesus's death since he was the 'perfect sacrifice'. Mormans believe that Christ alone is not enough to take us to Heaven and additional tasks are required to go to Heaven.
Bit more info so you can reword this, the 'trials' God puts before people is not to test their worth (I believe, though I suppose this could be put through other people differently. This is probally something that could be debates amonge those much more eduacted then me). Those Trials are menat to fix us so that we can make out characters more God-like by taking out the bad parts of our spirits. I hope that made sense.
So Seth has a little change of mind here at the end. Seems a bit random, perhaps you should gradually work around to it? How to do that . . . um, maybe you could circle his thoughts to the idea - probally with a self interruption to bring the thoughts to making Damian's year bad? Just to clarify though, what is Seth going to do. I know he was talking about how he wanted to kill Brian, but . . . he wouldn't do that, right? Think you could be clearer of how extreme he's gonna be.
Anyhow, nice chapter. Lovely job. I hope you update soon.
| Allen-Oz chapter 4 . 8/11/2005
Interesting story. Although I have to admit i hate it when christians are put in such an inconsiderate light. I don't know many who would say that kind of thing right off the bat.
| Allen-Oz chapter 1 . 8/11/2005
Hmm... I like the first chapter. Except I hate it when people call other people borrow a line from the band calibretto, "So you think that you're rebelling, and you've got things figured through, but you gotta fit the image that hollywood gave to you."everyone poses in a way I suppose. That and there really isn't much to distinguish this character as a unique individual other than a crappy attitude.
| Whatsit chapter 3 . 8/1/2005
It's going awsome. I love this. Slash at it's best I'd say...
But I have to mention something. I think the ending of Damien's POV could be a little different...maybe a little more subtle about Brian going to find out about Damien.
| ConfectusPapilio chapter 3 . 7/23/2005
Look! I was right! I was right! It is Jason and Damian...I feel smart. I rarely feel that way, but I suppose you gotta get lucky once in a while.
By the way, I'll be outta town for the next week so don't expect any email from me. I'm suprised I'm managing to get this much done before going to camp. Plan on doing lots of Ardinie work there though, should have chapters seven, eight, and nine done in two weeks. Getting scared though, I only have three more weeks until school (not good, not good) so I really need to start pounding on Ardinie. Oh well, thats enough babble. I assume that by writing chapter three you've finished Harry Potter? What do you think?
This story is just amazing when it comes to voice, you're really good at getting into the character's heads and putting things into their perspective and stuff.
Just want to know, is part of this Brian controlling Damian's life based off the emails I've sent you about my mom? Or was this planned before hand? Just currious, cause I feel some real simularities between Damian and myself in that regard. I do hope that I don't appear that weak.
No, Damian doesn't appear weak. Perhaps opressed is a better word. Still doesn't seem by that strong of a character, not by his physical discriptions, but rather by his mental attitude...the way Brian just takes control and how Jason seems to be completly in control of him.
I'd watch it with these paragraphs:
He was fifteen, but Brian treated him as if he was twelve years old, or eleven rather. Perhaps it was because he was so short, perhaps it was because his voice still had not broken yet; what the reason was exactly, he did not know. Jen was only a year older than he was, and yet, Brian treated her as if she was sixteen.
Brian was not the only one who did this, however. Many people seemed to think that just because he looked as if he were ten years old meant that he had the mentality of a ten year old. Perhaps if Brian had been around for more of his childhood, he could have realised that there was a fifteen year old trapped in that little body.
You're going to the 'character discribe themselves' phase. I don't know how you can say this differently and get the oppinion across. Perhaps you can make it a brief mention to Jason? It sems out of place and characters discribing themselves is...
I'm curious about more of the relationship between Jason and Damien (by the way, thanks for not drawing out the scene between the two. I don't mind slash in an idea, but I don't like it being shown. Then again, I don't like straight makeout/sex scenes either, so...). I think your not the highest believer in the idea of love and suchlike (that's left to sappy people like me); but is their relationship based off of actual devotion to eachother, or a lust that is fed by the only other guy avalible (there is a lack in quantity...)
Anyhow, nice chapter. I hope you update soon. Update so I have something to great me when I come home from camp? (hint...) Well, I think this chapter is one of your better ones, I liked it any how.
PS-Where does Seth fit into all of this? And who's the fourth guy your follwing, Brian? I need to reread something in chapter two cause I'm really confused on him now. All the same, later.
| dkiplan chapter 2 . 7/12/2005
Very interesting. Do we have a threesome to look forward to? Jason is very funny. Looking forward to the next chappie.
| Khenna chapter 2 . 7/12/2005
Perhpas you don't like this chapter, but as far (I'm about ten paragraphs in) I think it's pretty good. I like the subtleness you introduce the face that Jason is gay. Very nice.
"It was best not to have rumours circling around about your sexuality" Watch the second person.
Could do with a little more info about Jason's boyfriend I think. Like a name...or perhaps that is sacred information? A charater we know already? Small hunch of Damian, but I would not be able to know for sure. If the name isn't important information, I'd suggest revieling it. As for the threesome thing, I don't know much about gay relationships (don't want to) but is there seomthing about the number three I don't understand?
*flipped back to chapter one* Okay, so Damian's brother is Steve (who did not get along with Seth) and Steve truned out gay (but was populair?) and then hung himself. That right? I though you'd mentioned in an email that Damian's brother was going to be a POV, but maybe I'm mistaken.
I've noticed that you seem fond of the word 'sauntered' I'm thinking that anyway. Might be mistaken, eitherway, might want to use a find and see how much you're using it.
Bit of an essay on weather and heat, etc. Unless it's vital to character info, I'd suggest making that paragraph a bit smaller. Seems out of place.
I feel really sorry for Sarah bout now...poor girl, it's going to be aweful what she's going to have to go through.
"“I hope you know I’ll be there" Little bit of awakward dialogue there. 'You know I'll be there," sounds more natural to me, but you know the character better.
Typo: "front row centre" Or maybe that's Canadian, I wouldn't know.
Glad to see how Jason feels about being gay for Sarah's sake. It's very sweet actually. Isn't one of those fics where he's just using the girl, it's . . . I like it for one. Still mean though, she's gonna have to find out that she got dumped for a guy... He's even planning his replacement? Sweet, but still cruel...
Maybe you don't like this chapter, but I did. Made your character very apparent. I like Jason better than Seth, by the way. Well, nice chapter, I hope chapter three is out soon.
By the way, I love that spelling of Damian, it's just . . . I don't know. Slightly elegant, perhaps.
| dkiplan chapter 1 . 7/10/2005
Really interesting. Seth brings you in right away. I'm curious why he hates Steve and Damien as well. I like Seth alot.
| ConfectusPapilio chapter 1 . 7/7/2005
For the record, do you know that you have it set so we haveto log in to review? Thought you might be interested in fixing that (for people, like me, who are too lazy to log in).
Wow, it's been a while since I've read something of yours, hasn't it? Hope I enjoy this piece.
"Seth sauntered into the aging, wood-paneled room, his hands buried deep in his pockets as he carefully inspected the columns of decrepit desks; looking for a place to sit." Something about the tenses seems inconsistant here. I think its something to do with 'his hands buried deep...' if I were to reword it I would go, "his hands buried deep inhi pockets, Seth inspected the columns of decrepit..." (note, I also took out carefully, I think inspected covers that well enough, rendering the adverb unneccesary)
Think you're first paragraph is a tad long for my taste, but I've always like 'em choppy, so, it might be me.
Also, bout that first paragraph, you seem to get a bit repetative with your sentances. Long and short, with varied begginings. It helps make a paragraph predictable.
Nice use with the 'slaved' stuff.
Was going to comment on voice for the beggining of the first paragraph, but voice really picks it self up through the rest, good job.
So...what is the character like, doesn't like any of the cliches, but wants to drop out (or has already?) I dunno, I'm having troubles grasping him completly, but I'm only six paragraphs in.
Why is Mr. McGinnis calling Seth a 'sir'? Is that his character cause it seems a bit...odd...
"those wretched, Anderson, green eyes" Perhaps it is a phrase I'm not familiar with? All the same, Anderson? I don't get it.
So it's the kid's last name, but its kinda random. Now that I think about it, it fits together, but it made it hard to digest. If you're trying to make a point of how Seth feels about the family, I'd sugest making a sentance about it rather than throwing it into a mix of adj.
Final question, how are the desks aranged in this class room, how does 'sitting next to' work? Are they goign to be sharing a large table, have desks next to eachother, or are they goingto be having chair/desks (or whatever they're called) next to each other?
All the same, interesting beggining. I likethe derection this is headed. I hope you vary your POV character, but all the same, I hope you update soon.
| Whatsit chapter 1 . 7/6/2005
It's awsome. I like Seth already. It's kind of funny too - so waddya say? Next chapter by tommorow?