I really like your story, but there are things I don't like as well. First of all, you do realize the majority of your dialogue takes place between Damir and Al? You have developed their characters wonderfully, but the other characters such as Peter and the General leave much to be desired. Another problem I'm dealing with is in the fact that in only fifteen very short chapters, she has fallen in love with Damir. That's a bit quick for my taste. Please do NOT take offense to my review. I offer only constructive crticism. I quite like your story. You have good sentence variation and wonderful action scenes. You just need to add more action, more diaglogue, and expand the setting to outside of Damir's quarters.

Hi Jessica Wright, I'm KaronePrincess.

Thanks for update chapter 15. OMG..Alyssa has the magic to being able to hear and talk with the cat when others can't hear or talk to it. Yeah...I can see that help her in battling with Gerneral Cutlar. I'm impressed that she beats Peter on her first praticing with him. Go her!

I kind of like this chapter.

Please update more!

karonePrincess

Love the idea and the storyline. What I think you are missing is development. Ideas seem to be there, but just touched upon. Like her confusion(and whatever other feelings she is having) towards Damir are there, but I don't know how those feelings came from.

The timeline is kind of awkward. I am completely confused as to when everything happened and how events are related to other events timewise. This also seems under-developed. Like jumps are(or seem) frequent, but I do not really know how long they are or what has happened in between them.

I do not know, but I think more instances with Alyssa and Damir need to happen. It would help in understanding them a little better.

I hope I do not sound harsh or anything. I love this story. Just thought I would help you out. Hurry and update.

x) Talking to kitties. Nice.

Now update sooner next time so I actually remember who people are and what's going on.

"‘I was wondering when you would be able to here us.’ Male." Wrong hear, Froggie. XD

And, I didn't bother to look for other mistakes, that one was just bugging me. xP Not your best writing, though...

interesting explination for her new powers. but cool non the less

Hello Jessica. I'm KaronePrincess.

The chapter is good...I'm glad that Alyssa and Damir have some talks between them. They seemed find with each other. Damir is 20 years old which is a decent age for a young guy.

Please upate more! Again sorry for the late reply. Thanks! UPDATE!

Hi Jessica Wright, I'm KaronePrincess from fictionpress. The funny part is that Alyssa almost break the man's nose.

Peter offers Alyssa practice of sword. Peter seemed a very strong guy. Hope she gain more fighting.

Please Update more! I really want to read more.

Thanks!

wow, just found this story yesterday and have already read through all the chapters that are up as of now...i'm hooked! here's to hoping for an update soon!

I always love strong female characters and yours is really, really cool. The story is very original and exciting. Keep up the good work!

oh good stuff though it has been a while. hope to read more soon.

"The young pilot desperately tried everything he knew to slow down the fighter, but though it was slowing he feared it would not be enough. " : I think there should be a comma after slowing, though I might be mistaken.

Does he leave at a completely random point. If so, the odds of being near a star, or anywhere near a star are slim to none.

"It’s so jammy" : jammy? I'm guessing this might just be british slang that I don't see very often.

"the sand seemed to have absorbed most of the impact’s force," : I don't sand would be enough to keep the ship from exploding. I mean, the force it his the planet at must still be extreme, and no attempt was made to slow it down, or land it.

"He another ninety-nine crystals, so he needn’t worry about water a while yet." : there needs to be a had after the he. Useful technology though. What do the crystals look like?

"telling him that he was in the southern hemisphere and not wildly far from the equator." : Since he's on another planet, it would be hard for him to know just exactly what the location of the sun meant. Its hard enough when you try it on Earth, I tried back when I was a scout, and I never really could tell that well.

Oh, I don't think I mentioned this in my last review, but why would they leave someone as dangerous as Fox alive. Its a bit of a cliche (at least in Fantasy, where this keeps happening over and over again) that the villain tortures the good guy and then lets him go.

"Developed by the psia communes on the planet Mimas," : seems like a detail no one would be thinking about at the particular moment.

"He had to get off this planet!" : this might have to do with my long standing vendetta against exclamation marks, but it seems kind of silly the way its put.

"in particular thoughts of what his fellow cadets would say if they saw him carrying another guy around like a damsel in distress" : actually, there's nothing fundementalyl unmanly about that action. You're expected to help your comrades, especially when they're hurt. If anything, Fox would feel these things, though you've by and large kept the third person limmited.

"merely a guest in someone else’s story." : I like that line.

So I guess stem cell tech does get off the ground in this world.

Yes, considering that Fox wasn't all that bloody when they released him, I'm sure Van Tonder and his men would have realized that he would still live and that he would have friends throughout the countryside.

Would creating bionic limbs be really that much of a shocker so far in the future. I mean, we're not that bad at it today.

Wait, wouldn't Fox and his men want to make sure he wasn't bribable, and that he wouldn't tell anyone about their location or something like that before they let him go.

Anyways, excellent chapter. As always, I'm looking forward to reading more.

-peace out.

Hey, cool chapter! That's all I can say because I'm in school and the bell's about to ring.

UPDATE!

~Lightning Princess

Nice chapter. I'm very curious as to why she stays when she's perfectly fine...I mean, wouldn't it be easy for her to just run away? I know that would completely ruin the plot, but...I dunno, I just realized that now. Speaking of the plot, it's rather foggy, and some chapters-like this one-make it hard to find again...Not that you write bad chapters, just that you seem to stray from the plot sometimes. ;) No problem though.

Well that's interesting! My characters generally get around 15. What now? Anyway, good chap.