Reviews for Terrance Terryal |
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Sarah-Brighteyes chapter 4 . 10/8/2005 Another good chapter. I love the mary character. I can see it so clearly. Its almost endearing hehe. The puppy frolicking, so much like the human form; carefree and happy and obedient and joyful almost. I like it. I think I love the little love stories going on in this as well. Its so cute. I get addicted to your pieces so easily dear Falconer. It is quite easy to fall into the mindset of wow hehe. Bravo as always... moving on. P.S. The end paragraph leads into some suspense... I really like it bravo as always for making me want to keep going hehe. |
Sarah-Brighteyes chapter 3 . 10/8/2005 Another great chapter. I am hooked on your characters. They are bold and interesting. Tabby is the cutest thing haha, just like you describe her, I can see her in my minds eye. So much drama in one setting. It is that you create a world that makes the reader want to jump in. I have a very great dislike for the step-father... the ignorant git.. and I feel sad for the mother. of course I am sure you planned it that way. You have a way with making me feel for your characters. Another point I enjoyed was the description of the mermaid. I loved it. You went out of the box and created your own lovely description. Fabulous.. I was so proud someone did that. Great piece... moving on of course. |
Sarah-Brighteyes chapter 2 . 10/8/2005 I always love your writing. You do a fabulous job of intertwining characters and building them up into a wonderful family. I find the characters so wonderful. I love the different variety of creatures and the descriptions you give. That way I am not lost in the great blue wander of huh all the time *smile*. You flow with it... when something arises to make me question a character you do well to answer before I ponder too much to get lost. Great plot so far, you have a alot of different things going on and it makes it very intersting. If one thing didnt catch my attention then something else would. Bravo as always. So moving on *smile*. |
Sarah-Brighteyes chapter 1 . 10/8/2005 Wow what a wonderful start to your story. I know I have been gone from the fictionpress pool for a while, but I am back and hopefully to stay for while. So your story is a very refreshing start dear Falconer. *smile*. First off I love thw whole sci-fi/fantasy theme you have going... yet modern in some chracteristics and the imagery is wonderful. The dialogue was probably my favorite part. You do well with it. You keep my attention and the story moving in good form. I find a mystery unfolding already. The glasses are so interesting... god-tongue and spirit-tongue hm very nice. You also use creatures that make you use your own imagination to create a picture. Almost whimsicle but wonderful. Bravo to you for capturing my attention with this wonderful piece so far. You know that means I must move on *smile*. |
Prince Tin Lizzy chapter 3 . 9/20/2005 No! Not Conway! That bastard. Shooting Conway, grr. Well, Tabby is cute anyway. I hope Conway gets better. |
Prince Tin Lizzy chapter 2 . 9/19/2005 Question - Terry: man or woman? I wouldn't have a problem either way, but when the sex of the main character is indeterminable, there's bound to be some confusion. So far this is my favorite story of yours that I've read (although I still love Yamadron so put it back up.) You've introduced so many characters that I'm having trouble keeping them all straight. Other than that, everything is lovely. Nice scenery, clarity, characterization, and a deepening of plot, what with Ignatius and Isaura and everything. So far, my favorites are Nyoka, Aaron, and Ignatius. fav. Quote - “It is when you’re right above my room and making louder noises then cats in heat.” |
Prince Tin Lizzy chapter 1 . 9/18/2005 ! ! ! ! ! This is wonderous! I am the world's biggest not cool person for neglecting to read your amazingness. I've never read anything like it before. Really. It's complex, and grabs your attention. The level of detail in which you have gone to portray the types of Abstracts really shows your skils as a writer. You've mastered Ellis' showing and not telling rule. A thousand smiles to you. |
Megz chapter 5 . 8/14/2005 Hey Katie I loved your story you have to add more! It is funny to be able to read your stuff any time online pretty neat. I liked the characters and I thought it was funny in a couple of scenes because sometimes, not often though, parts of the story reminded me of the bard books like the car part where he shuts his eyes. I know I'll probably talk to you in person before you see this but I really like what i've read so far and mom liked your rasberry patch poem. TTYS -Megz |
The Proxy Ninja chapter 5 . 8/1/2005 -tests her limbs, rolls her shoulders.- Hi, Aysel. -salutes.- 1) [My wrist was bound with gauze and tape and Aaron had injected a bit of painkiller into my wrist, so it didn’t hurt that much, but that was probably from the light feeling in my head.] How about: “My wrist was bound with gauze and tape and earlier, Aaron had injected a bit of painkiller into it…[ect.]” 2) [“your body needs sugar, eat it. No, I don’t care if you don’t want it, you need it.”] Hee. Endearing. Maybe a capital “Y” on “your”, unless you wanted it that way. 3) [Conway held her tightly and started whispering things to her, stroking her hair.] E! 4) [ “Doctors don’t straddle people, you demented –” “Papa?” We both looked at the door, startled. ] LOL! Perfect. 5) [“you know how well I straddle people – the fact that I’m a doctor just makes it better.” And I flushed bright red.] LOL! Maybe a capital “Y” on the “you” here is more appropriate. 6) [“Oh,” Tabby muttered in a hushed voice.] Aw. ~_~ 7) [Kaethe looked confused. “But Jocelyn said no one had sex without love.” Aaron looked ready to strangle Jocelyn.] LOLOLOL! 8) [Kaethe, right next to her, was listening to Aaralyn with rapt attention, golden eyes wide. Maybe she had some secret shopping obsession?] How. Cute! 9) [Aaron laughed suddenly, perhaps at the absurdity of being “in love” with me,] Capital “L” on “love”? I like that Aaron’s coy. It’s awesome. [“But it shouldn’t be hard to think I’m in love with you,” and he ghosted out the door.] : O! 10 [“The room next to me – sixteen.” Conway answered. “Are you seriously leaving me with these three?” “What do you mean ‘these three’?” Aaralyn snapped, turning on him.] Lmfao. 11) [Ignatius, you can go home, you’re no fun shopping with,” Isaura said airily. Ignatius didn’t look one bit put out.] Lol! 12) [Aaron shoved a Twix in my face and locked eyes with me. “But it shouldn’t be hard to think I’m in love with you.” “Fine,” I growled, snatching the candy and slumping down in a chair.] Lol! That’s really good. 13) Terry was an exterminator..? 14) Omg. Isaura’ll kill her son if he makes mistakes. God! These dialogues are killing me~! 15) [Conway was dressed in some of Aaron’s clothes, a baggy navy t-shirt and faded jeans. He looked ready to throw himself out the window, however.] lmfao. Poor guy. 16) [“I will sit in the middle,” Aaralyn announced decisively, surveying the small car, hands on her hips.] I could so imagine her saying that seriously. It made me chuckle. 17) [Tabby flattened her ears against her skull until Conway figures out how to turn down the music, pressing against my side.] *figured. 18) [I pulled my door shut and two more doors slammed before Isaura adjusted the steering wheel and changed the music station to classical.] Lmao. Classical music soccer mom. 19) [Tabby ran/stumbled after her, still holding my hand so I was forced to trot to keep up with their small strides.] Lol. “stumbled” sounds good. 20) [“Hmm. Well, Kaethe and I will take Conway to Rue 21. There is a kids Gap right next to it, and further down is a Forever 21,”] You have an apostrophe in the second “kid’s Gap” two lines down. 21) [I freed my hand for a moment to fish in my pocket for my little phone, then handed it over. Ignatius looked at it like it was some sort of killing machine.] Lolol! 22) I’m not sure if you said Terry’s age before, but I am -so- glad he’s twenty-nine. That’s really a perfect age for his character. 23) [Conway gave me a suffering look that clearly said, ‘please shoot me again,’ and slouched in after her.] Lololol. Adorable! 24) [“Hello! Welcome to the Kid’s Gap. I’ll be helping you today, so let me know if you need anything,”] And we have here, a capital “K” in “kid’s” -with- the apostrophe. Make up your mind! Lol! 25) [Now I’ve had two wives!] LOLOLOLOL! 26) [Being an SAO gave you access to the computers and the teachers lounge, but it also put your names on the intern list automatically, so you got first pick if they wanted you at all.] Maybe, *“teachers’ lounge”. I’m not sure, though… Oh, God- how exciting! I can’t wait to see Terry in Professor mode. You know what I’m really curious about? Is whether you’re going to show some of the past pf Terry as an exterminator. That’d be prime. But, if it always remains implied, I don’t think I’d mind either. Because it sounds like a dark part of history that might taint the story. If you could find a way to address it without killing the story’s ambiance, or -at least- be able to bounce back, then I’d strongly suggest it. And this chapter was -extremely- entertaining. I’d want to see what happens with those glasses Terry received from Aaron a while ago. My only advisory is to cut down the next chapters a little. Because even when it was -extremely- entertaining, it got dialogue happy. I seriously enjoyed reading it, but for the sake of not wearing down their sparkly personalities, try to keep it at your previous lengths. This was a hilarious chapter, and I think I was laughing every other line and grinning the whole time. I love the warm-hearted family issues. This is remarkably heart-wrenching [ in a happy way ] and extremely loveable. I commend you for a job well-done on all these characters. You must got a full attic in your noodle filled with all these talking voices. I am -so- dying to read that Hades story. ~_~ Rock on, Aysel. |
Jester Joshua chapter 1 . 8/1/2005 *im in heaven, im in heaven...* i wish reality was like this, professor seems very real... wow o wow There now ive done it flaconer hahahaha. Now we're even |
Royalty by Association chapter 1 . 7/31/2005 Wow. Wonderful chapter. I can tell it's the beginnings of a great story. I really like the beginning, how you started out with the professor typing out notes. Thank you for taking the time to review my work, I appreciate it. |
E.V. Delacy chapter 5 . 7/30/2005 very intresting story! I love all the names...anyway update when you can! PS: Thank you so much for the reviews! |
Lone Paper Crane chapter 4 . 7/28/2005 My signed review got cut off. Ugh. 18) [He’s wounded, Terry, I told myself, you can’t hurt a wounded man.] Lololol. 19) [I whacked him outside the head at the same time Aaron walked back in.] LMFAO! *upside the head. That exchange was hilarious. You really have a way with rhythm and timing that I enjoy. And it’s not glaring. You’ve really got great rhythm with dialogue; it’s a gift! 20) Mary/the puppy is so cute. God. 21) God. That’s awesome. The feeding prime! This was another riveting chapter- you have great discernment of when scenes should begin and end, you switch out at just the right moments. These timing is a gift. Keep it with you at all times when you read your work to yourself. Because I’m still completely amazed by it. I see other stories, there, too! I might just have a look-see after I make my rounds. But again, Aysel, thank you for the wonderful read. Hopefully this criticism was of use to you. Please continue to flourish in your writing abilities, and write on, Aysel! |
The Proxy Ninja chapter 4 . 7/28/2005 -rolls shoulders.- Alright. 1) Great opening dialogue. “Do we need to repeat more phrases?” Lololol. 2) The concept of these manipulators is really good. It’s interesting; I think a story could be made out of it. I wonder what Tabitha is..? [Life like, speaking and able to touch and interact with the material plane, even though it was only a projection.] *Life-like. Would be better. 3) [“We’re here to see Conway,” Ilandere said, speaking to the puppy. It wagged its tail and trotted forward.] Hee! 4) By the way, thank you for the in-depth description of Ilander. I have a much better of what she looks like, now. And I think it’s adorable that she is a moon sprite. I don’t know how you’re so crisp with these descriptions, they do so well- Frayne’s is concise and excellent. Heya! Frayne isn’t spell-checked. So it really -is- a name. A good one, at that. Fayre is a hottie. 5) [“I hope she sends her best, or Isaura will be heart broken.”] *heart-broken. 6) The way these twins talk one after the other is really good. Especially with the “we’s”. But I think I’m a little overwhelmed by the introduction of Mary the puppy, the vampire twins, and now Ranae. It might be a little hard to digest. 7) [It was exactly like a doctor’s room, with the weird paper covered bench and all the instruments.] *paper-covered. 8) I love the quick exchange between Terry and Aaron, these are beautifully constructed, vivid, and with rhythm. It’s always a joy to read. Especially with the actions in between to keep the scene moving along, I could really see everything as this goes. You’re really a genius with dialogue. I only wished I could be this vivid. 9) [Aaralyn was there, arguing loudly with Ilandere. Mary was whining in the corner, afraid to get too close to them.] Aww! Poor thing. 10) [Aaron yawned as we entered his room and ripped off his shirt, climbing into his four poster bed with his jeans on.] I’m not familiar with this, but is it.. *four-post bed? I’m not sure. Anyway. Aaron’s hot. ~_~ 11) [“No, of course not. You don’t think that little bullet was really going to set him back more than a day, did you?”] Eep, it’s either: “You don’t think that little bullet was really going to set him back more than a day, do you?” OR “You didn’t think that little bullet was really going to set him back more than a day, did you?” 12) [Aaron retreated back inside the shower, “okay, tell me what’s wrong.”] Capital “O” on “okay”. 13) [Aaron asked gently, standing in the doorway, eyes stormy. “If you want me to, I can get someone to kill him.”] Hot. ~_~ 14) [“Do you want to see him, then?” “Yes I do.” I said rather quickly. “It wasn’t your…” “Oh, Aaron!” I snapped impatiently. With one last suspicious glance at me, Aaron led me from the room and down to the second floor, greeting Mary at the stairs.] Eep. I didn’t understand this exchange. 15) [“Fine, Mary. Which room if Conway in?”] Wuh-oh. *is. 16) [“For food, you single minded moron,” Aaron snapped, pushing Conway back down when he reached for me.] LOL! *single-minded. 17) Lololol. Aaron. |
The Proxy Ninja chapter 3 . 7/19/2005 -cracks knuckles.- 1) ~[but I still flinched when her long nails slid over my palm and her dry, frosty lips ghosted the top of my fingers.] I just love that. 2) The two paragraph description of Muireann was so beautiful. I'm glad she's not one of those bimbo mermaids- no offense to Little Mermaid. But the kind of mermaid described here brings a sense of realism to their lonely world. Oh, and the brief exchange between Terry and Muireann [how did you come up with that name, by the way? It's very nice] is crisp and vivid. I saw everything. This story has a strange way of doing that- I think I mentioned it a couple of times [if not more] that this story -animates- a scene and makes it come to life. Every expression, every tone of voice is vivid. It's really an exhilarating read. 3) ~[but there was glittering cruelty in her summer-sky blue eyes and although her body was tantalizing, the air of Power she shrouded herself in drove away any fantasies of love.] The “P” on power is capitalized on purpose, ne? 4) ~[“Really?” She purred, caressing my hand; I let her, as it kept her eyes off my face.] Lol. 5) ~[“Yes, well, research technically means ‘ever expanding’ in my book.] *ever-expanding. 6) The small exchange between Terry and his foster father, Jonathan, is really vivid and powerful. I don’t know how you’re seeing these images so vividly. You seem to have an impeccable timing with when dialogues are supposed to end, too. Crisp and bursting with animation. It’s really addictive. 7) Ahem. Conway just. Rocks. 8) ~[“You and those little worms! You think they’re so nice, don’t you? Well, I know the real reason you keep them around! Sex is hard to find around these days, so why not keep a whole bunch of concubines? I’m pretty sure you like the males too!”] Omg. That really hurt me. He’s so rude! 10) Arg! Tabby is adorable! When she first pops up, her description is so… cute. ~_~ I want to eat her up. 11) ~[I calmly held the shaking bundle, waiting for my foster father’s stream of shit to end.] Yay! Curse word! You’re really tasteful and stingy when it comes to the use of curse words. It’s very admirable. 12) ~[“I suggest you chose your words carefully, sir.” He suggested. The wood underneath his hand splintered.] *choose. 13) ~[Emily looked at him sternly. “Of course he has, Jon, Conway is trust worthy.] *trustworthy. 14) : O! Oh, no~! Poor Conway! 15) That’s cool that some of the abstracts could teleport. Did you map out which abstracts did what before you wrote this story? To give it a sense of balance? I wish I was this detailed and meticulous with my characters. Really, the descriptive qualities of each character, their abilities… it’s really amazing. 16) Can you write up a few descriptive words in the small exchange between Terry and Ilandere of Ilandere’s physical features besides her eyes? I kind of forgot which one she was… I remembered the other characters perfectly, but Ilandere seems to escape my memory. 17) The exchange between Tabitha and Terry is really cute. It was a good transition from the terrible thing that happened to Conway, at least readers are given a break. But, I think it’s -so- cute, that people might forget about Conway. Because I almost did. Lol. 18) ~[She had ripped a whole in the back so her tawny tail could poke through, curling around her ankles.] *hole. 19) Nice character development/progression for Kaethe. Two cute characters as best friends raises the heart-warming factor by 27. Lol. 20) This chapter was so action packed, I was hoping there would be more. I thought I had -at least- a good two pages to go before this chapter ended. But I’m glad it ended where it did, because my mouth dropped and flipped the page to find the first one sitting underneath. Perfect way to leave the reader in suspense. And, my first inkling was that, maybe Muireann had something with Ignatius, which would be perfect since she is a water abstract, and he is a fire abstract. But I took her personality in mind, and came to the conclusion that I’m pulling an Aaron- just like how I had that misconception about him solely because of his eyes. What I’m meaning to say is, I’m just so enthralled with her character, I hope she pops up again. 21) And be careful- because readers’ personality preferences will differ. Try not to dwell too long on the most loveable characters, and allow the darker ones to take precedence- which is what I think you will be doing when you get to Conway and his band of vampires. But it’s only a reminder. 22) I couldn’t really say much about re-wording, because this chapter had a lot of dialogue, and the way you write dialogue is stunning, and for the most part, should be left untouched. Because you’re seeing something with power and poignancy, and only you could make those judgment calls. Everything flowed so nicely and naturally, it was almost impossible to pick out anything to re-word. This was a stunning, dazzling chapter which never dwelt too long on one thing- impeccable timing. I think I’m just going to save myself the trouble and put this in my Favorite Stories with all the other writing pieces that have made me smile/grin/smirk/laugh/gape. It’s just a really vivid, amazing story with painstakingly rendered imagery and fluid animation to boot. Thanks for the good read. Continue to flourish in your writing abilities, Aysel, and write on! |