Reviews for Terrance Terryal |
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The Proxy Ninja chapter 2 . 7/16/2005 1) Thanks for waking up the reader with a good old implied sex scene. It made me happy. Plus, Aaron has an attractive aura around his character. 2) I love your descriptions, I can’t tell you how much I enjoy them. You gave a description of the hot blood like, -right- when I was wanting to read another one. These are really engaging, and you have an impeccable, subtle timing to your writing that I adore. It’s well-balanced and evenly-paced. 3) “Ignatius and Pyralis both had thin bodies wired with muscles that resembled steel and rippled under tan skin when they moved. Their hair was in constant disarray, and was a deep bronze with auburn highlights, which served to severely accent their scintillating silver-red eyes.” I can see this! 4) “He fought under the notion that vampires could learn to limit themselves in their feeding methods and leave survivors – and they could, I was a walking testimony to that.” Haha! 5) I like the compassionate nature you gave Conway. Simple, engaging- and such loveable characters! Especially the description of Aaralyn. Simply divine, eloquent, vivid descriptions. 6) “I half watched their animated conversation, and half watched the food being piled on the table in huge, steaming platters.” I’m not really sure about the hyphen rules for this, I might need more clearance. I was going to correct it as *half-watched. But I’m really not sure. Sorry about that. 7) Lmfao! San Francisco! I’m so in love with your plushy characters! And I could see them all nodding in unison. That’s so adorable. ~_~ 8) Isaura Lmfao. I could imagine a person like that- I think I might even know a few… But, Preggy Isara : O And Ignatius really admiring Terrance even after their caustic way of speaking to each other, and an interior nice guy Aw~! 9) “I told the purple flower. It nodded in the wind.” That was such an endearing set of figurative speech. 10) “I laughed and jogged after them, lest I loose them to the mist.” *lose. 11) This was an endearing chapter, easily as engaging. But it could quickly stagnate if you don't get on the ball with the story and keep it in constant motion. Spice up the plot, Missy! Keep it rolling! This was simply amazing, heart-felt, and heart-warming. I’m sincerely happy to have been able to review this story. I hope this critique did it justice. I’ll drop by regularly, and I’ll even try to get on the ball with your Safe House story- or -at least- another one of your other stories tomorrow, hopefully. Though, it might take me a little longer for Safe House. E-mail me if you have any questions or need advice, e-mail’s on my site. I’ll be happy to be of service to you. This was a wonderful start. Please continue to flourish in your writing abilities. |
The Proxy Ninja chapter 1 . 7/16/2005 Well, before I begin my critique, I have to say this. This has been one of the most proficient stories I’ve ever reviewed on . Grammar, spelling, punctuation- [even down to hyphens and the like!]. The dialogues are carefully and clearly written, bursting with animation and personality. The characters emote -very- well. This has definitely been one of the easiest pieces for me to read, follow along with, and review without distraction of many mistakes and awkward wording- I couldn’t even make re-wording suggestions, because you seem to be some sort of deity at it. I’m really impressed. [Urk, I don’t really mention my own pieces in other reviews, but I’d like to thank you for reviews, and the last piece of Blank Pages is Chapter Six: Last Tuesday. That’s all.] -cracks knuckles.- And now for the critique. 1) I was drawn in from the very beginning by the approach of this story. I think I’m reading a glossary of some sort, or an encyclopedia entry and -bam-. We’re hurled into a professor’s world, when she’s typing notes. That was an unorthodox approach, and I happened to enjoy it. 2) The first description- of Nyoka- is amazing. It already starts to set up the pace for this story. The description itself was so engaging and well-written, that I was actually -fascinated-. Very vivid and imaginative. I’d just like to say, I’m going to have a lot of copy and pasted portions where I say, “I can see this!” (It’s exactly what I wrote in my notes.) And, I’m only trying to say, that you’re so good at details and description, that it feels like you’re taking out your writer’s eyes and handing them directly to me. I’m really, really impressed. Ahem. Onward. 3) “‘U-uh, um, there’s someone here to see you,’ she shifted nervously from foot to foot, looking at the ground.” The interaction between Kaethe and Terrance is endearing, bubbly, and nicely paced. It had a good rhythm. This was already a -solid- start for the first chapter, the personalities are engaging and loveable. 4) “She bobbed her head and ran of, clear dragonfly wings on her back flickering nervously through holes in her white satin dress.” *ran off [that’s like, the only mistake in this chapter. And only -one- in the other chapter. Which is amazing.] 5) When I first see Aaron’s description, and the use of the word “wicked” to describe his eyes, it matched perfectly with the slant I was imagining. But, I also thought you were subtly trying to convey to the readers that he was kinda… untrustworthy. Well, until I see a second mention and a third mention of the word [the third, in a different variant]. Then I realize that he’s just kind of mischievous and coy, ne? But “wicked” has a certain slant to it that I saw perfectly. 6) “‘No, but I saw it, and thought you might like them.’” It them? We can clearly see that these two words do not agree. And usually, I’d correct it and say that the subject should match the object directly… but I think I had redundant and awkward-sounding sentences more than a trifling agreement discrepancy, and it’s much better to write something that pleases the readers “reading voice” and “ear” before their logical senses. I don’t even think they’d notice. But, yeah. I tried to think of a better sentence for that, and I couldn’t. So, I’ll leave it alone. But if -you- can, that would be nice. To chisel this already superb piece and make it -perfect-. 7) “‘But back to the glasses, they are very useful. Flynn told me you’d like them. He saw the picture of the team of exterminators – when you were still with them – and saw the sunglasses.’” *“But back to the glasses. They are very useful.” [Maybe?] 8) “Cautiously, I slid them on, blinking at the sudden severity of the light. The world was being filtered through bands of old god-tongue runes, all moving and shifting eerily. They slowly faded into the lenses, leaving only crystalline images, better than twenty-twenty vision.” This is really awesome. I could see this. “As my fingers touched the lenses, the runes flashed and soaked up the fingerprints.” I could see -this-, too. It’s a small detail, but I really like how authentic it makes this one little object, and in turn, makes this whole story more authentic and less contrived. 9) I’d just like to say, that you’ve picked something- concept-wise- that will be very difficult to write and to continue to make authentic, real, and plausible for the readers’ imagination. But your descriptions are so vivid and built in a strange real-time, that this story just comes to life! I’m really amazed by this talent of yours. Anyway. Onward. 10) “ ‘It’s god-tongue and spirit-tongue tied together in unison.’ Aaron shrugged again,” Awkward sentence. * “It’s god-tongue and spirit-tongue in one,” [This sounds cheaper, but.. I don’t know. Maybe?] 11) Octopus lamp. Lmao. 12) “‘Flynn…well, excellent craftsmanship, I have to say.’ I opened my mouth to say more, but a soft, hesitant rapping cut me off.” [Since she is not really addressing Flynn, the “w” in “well” should be capitalized.] 13) “I stared at her for a moment, but sat again as she tottered over, tray shaking so bad the china clattered with clear rings.” I can hear that sound. Kaethe is adorable. 14) Wow. Okay, I’m sitting here writing these notes. The images, the language, plot build are horribly addictive. 15) Up until this point, Terry’s gender had eluded me. Maybe because I’ve read so many stories with men main characters, I wasn’t really thinking. Even with al her discreet, girly observations and even use of the word “darling”, I wasn’t consciously aware that Terry was female until the very last line, running into the second chapter. It’s just that Terry is so concise, so assertive, and surrounded by women workers, that I thought Terry was just an effeminate [though, -charmingly- effeminate] man- and “Terry” itself is very unisex, especially with the suave way she interacts with Aaron, I thought they were colleagues. Don’t worry, this isn’t a discrepancy. It was just so well-written, I didn’t even -notice-. 16) “I smiled back and our conversation turned from business to friendly chatter, floating from topic to topic to try and catch up on the time we had missed together. Aaron told me of his interesting patients and showed a few new scars from a trashing tiger-shifter; I talked of my new classes and my high hopes for one of my students named Sauda and Headmaster Taliesin. Soon we ran out of topics and sat in companionable silence until the sun faded from the sky and I took him to my room for the night.” This gets extra points. Lmao. I didn’t even see this coming. I thought they were strictly professional. But this was subtle, and pretty awesome. Onward to the next chapter~! |
Lone Paper Crane chapter 1 . 7/15/2005 This story is printed out and ready for me to mark up with notes. I'll be back with a signed review hopefully tomorrow or the day after. I have one other story off another site to look at. See you. |