Reviews for My First Love
SilentRiver chapter 1 . 12/30/2005
Wow. I loved the way you wove past and future and present together. Also how bitterness and sweetness went together so beautifuly in this poem...
lebuffle chapter 1 . 9/5/2005
This is really lovely. I love the lines beginning with 'we', 'you' and 'I'. It really makes it seem sincere.

I love the ending bit too - the smile at the end is heartwarming. One line to watch out for, though:

I’ll cry when I got home

I know you're a good writer, so it was probably just a typo.
RuathaWehrling chapter 1 . 8/15/2005
You know, I've decided that there needs to be a better way to present poems. I mean, you've got about a zillion poems listed under your name, so it's hard to scroll down and pick out an interesting one or two to read. And it's not only you of course - it's anyone on fictionpress with a lot of poems. Have you ever considered combining similarly-themed poems into a "book" of them? With each poem as a different chapter? I saw that done once and it worked pretty well.

Anyhow. On to the actual poem! :)

1.) "I’ll cry when I got home" - Either "I cried when I got home" or "I'll cry when I get home"

2.) "You took this heart and broke it..." - Question: Why does this stanza (verse? Is this a song, not a poem?) have seven lines, not six like the rest. The last line isn't strong enough to be used as contrast, if that's what you're going for.

I really like the story told by this poem! However, you might consider making the rhythm a little more consistant. For example, the second and fifth lines of each "verse" stanza seem to have random numbers of beats. You might consider making them have the same number as the first and fourth lines do. For example:

"We walked along the beach /We walked and sighed a while /We smiled once or twice and then we left"

This sounds awesome! But the other verses don't follow this pattern and it ends up feeling a little... messy, I guess. If it's a song, of course, it might sound different spoken. Take a look at it (and read it aloud!) and see what you think.

Nicely done, and thanks! -Ruatha
Loki Mischeif-Maker chapter 1 . 8/2/2005
It has been far too long since I looked at your profile.

Having said that, I had a few minutes, did, and this is awesome. I love the imagery, and the emotion. Very, very good.

As I have said numerous times, I always enjoy your songs.

Queen Beryl chapter 1 . 7/18/2005
Wow. I don't usually read poetry or songs, but I decided to check this one out. I'm glad I did. It's really good. I love the last couple lines especially. Whoo hoo! Great job!