|Reviews for Sweet Box|
| Alteng chapter 3 . 11/1/2006
Okay. I had to go to bed, what can I say. 10 o'clock is the beddy bye time.
Anyway, it is a nice ending. I like how everyone can be so cool up to ending. I am surprised that Charlbois didn't think anything out of the ordinary.
The Crusader doesn't seem to be very superhero in the way of powers, but I have not read your other adventures about him, and this is one where he really didn't need any great power.
| Alteng chapter 2 . 11/1/2006
Well, this is another good chapter, but the reactions that Tiffany gives are not what I expect. I feel that she should be more of a frightened creature, if she is telling the truth. She needed to hide when she saw Detective Drake or when he brought her step father to see her.
Charlesbois is a well done villain. He is really cool and collected in the whole situation, and I would not believe he is a rapist and pediaphile. That was a bit of good work on your part.
The background story for The Crusader sound a bit too much like Spiderman the movies. You might want to consider changing that to another profession or some other reason for the crimanl getting away because of that.
Grammarical thing for you. You need to watch the "who/whom" thing. Who is used if it is the subject of the secondary sentence or if you are using a linking verb (to be). Just slap me. I have a degree in English :)
| Alteng chapter 1 . 11/1/2006
I am impressed that you are able to keep this in present tense. The tense changes are common on this site.
This seems to be written for a comic book like most superhero things are. the Crusader is so bloody goody goody, but that is my problem with superheroes, mind you, and nothing for oyu to worry about. It makes for a good story setup.
I like the reference to as white as Michael Jackson. That was a good laugh. I also like the nonchalant way of the LA patrons about costume heroes.
A real complaint for you. The Crusader should not use profanity, because he is a goody two shoe and he is affiliated with the church.
| Limited Edition chapter 1 . 11/1/2006
Hiya! Saw you on the review mania forum. The plot sounds very interesting from the summary to judge.
I guess I can be harsh and picky here? (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *_*)
The first lines are a quote from the bible, so they should be in quotation marks. That you tell which book and line it's from is unnecessary; I'm sure he doesn't think about that really, does he? And there is no need to change the paragraph either, since it's the same subject. The part describing where he's walking has bad flow, perhaps because of all the names of the places (holy shit, I didn't get any of it), or the overly hard vocabulary used in it. No need to use as complicated phrasing as possible hun. Just use the words that fit the best. Actually, this continues throughout the whole story and the only thing it does is making it sound like an anecdote written in the newspaper; impersonal, told by a friends friend to someone they don't even know over a glass of wine. Your language shows much potential but I think you try to hard and rephrase a lot instead of simply allowing yourself to write WTH you want. I think you should write WTH you want XD
"Says" and "asks" are very general descriptions. They say nothing about the tone and so on. They should generally be followed by a description or adjective if it's not just unnecessary. Try to use other words instead of them or vary it at least so it won't be like a theatre dialogue.
You do a great job expressing feelings through actions, which in my opinion is how the feelings of a character, especially written in third person POV should be conveyed. I imagine him grabbing the steering wheel of his car hard and dropping his head as he sighs and so on. Which also shows a lack of description...(hint _) And yet again I notice the lack of paragraphs...
Heh eh, the plot gets more and more excentric! I don't get much of it but I guess that's good XD Makes it very original! Yes yes, a very good story. Good luck to ya hun!