Reviews for The Distant War
Mintelwerke chapter 16 . 2/9/2006
Damn, apparently I already reviewed Chapter 17. The old one, anyway.

Alright, first off, ''shutup'' should be ''shut up.'' Second, this whole sentence is sorta off:

“You are all captives, your means of execution shall be in the hands of the new emperor.”

I mean, how about ''You are now prisoners. Your lives are now in the hands of our new emperor/you will be executed as per the wishes of the emperor/per the emperor's command, your executions will be delivered swiftly.'' '''Captives'' just seems too nice a word.

Otherwise, I loved this chapter. The way the enemy closed in on them and the little monologue in the beginning, that stuff was gold, especially the beginning of the chapter. Nicely done, shows a lot of anger.

Each chapter keeps getting better. Looking forward to Chapter 18.

Thanks for the reviews, first ones in a while. I was busy with school, so I couldn't review this sooner. Sorry.
Mintelwerke chapter 18 . 9/19/2005
''needle like teeth'' should be ''needle-like teeth.''

“A beer kind sir.” should be ''A beer, kind sir.''

You mixed up ''your'' and ''you're'' in some places.

This was a good chapter, ended on a pretty neat note. Sort of humorous, but also kind of uncertain. Anything could happen now. I liked it, nice change of pace.
Clodhopper chapter 10 . 9/14/2005
wow, this was interesting. I love cats...though maybe you'd wanna use the word "feline" or the like to describe them every once and a while. "cats" got used a bit too much. I thought it was funny that dogs were mentioned as well. Kudos!

Clodhopper chapter 9 . 9/7/2005
There were still pleanty of editing mistakes in this one - from commas in dialogue to "This Way!" with a caps w when it should be lowercase. I did like her comment with "Ladies first" etc. Why did the guards just let him go without his paperwork - just because he seemed to know Sarah? That was a little vague. Shouldnt they still want proof or are they just kind of lame-o guards? The intro to this chapter was very well done with the descriptions, but then the descriptions kind of lacked the farther on it got

Mintelwerke chapter 17 . 8/29/2005
For someone who was ''winging it'', this turned out really good. Every chapter keeps on getting better and better. Just one thing:

“Don’t call me masta anymore. We our friends, call me David.”

''our'' should be ''are.''
Mintelwerke chapter 15 . 8/24/2005
You've got some misplaced commas. But otherwise, this wasn't a weird chapter, your action got even better and your dialogue's a lot smoother and more developed now.

The guard captain re-introduced himself, “Easy milords. I am John the protector of Melganoth, and those are our militia down there. Call them bandits if you wish, but we have some requests that you owe to us for helping your two friends there.”

Just one thing, try re-writing that as

The captain of the guard re-introduced herself.

''Easy, Milords,'' he said, ''I am John, the Protector of Melganoth. And that is our militia down there. Call them bandits if you wish, but we have some favors to request that we would appreciate you considering, since we did help your two friends there.''

Makes him sound more sly, more ''I'll make you an offer you can't refuse''-like. Otherwise, it's not weird, this was an amazing chapter, you get better with each one.

Just uploaded a new chapter, could you take a look at it? I'd appreciate it.
Mintelwerke chapter 14 . 8/23/2005
Whoo, mysterious. Every character acts and talks a different way, that's nice.

Should be interesting to see what goes down in the next chapter.
ice flyer chapter 1 . 8/23/2005
interesting beginning. i like the plot idea and your descriptions of the elves, good job on those. CC: you have a certain amount of mystery around your character, which is good, but maybe you could tell us a little bit more about him? maybe his name, his looks, etc? also, your sentences have a lot of "telling." i would suggest incorporating more "showing" and sensory details. for example, "We walked back through the raised walkway over the lava and into the mining hall." Here's a really good opportunity to describe what the lava looks like, what their footsteps sound like, what the mining hall looks like...I think if you include these kind of details your writing would improve a lot. Anyway, good job. your plot seems creative and interesting! :)
Clodhopper chapter 8 . 8/22/2005
Okay, have I mentioned that the first chapter needs to be changed from default chapter? I dont remember. I know i've mentioned this before, but i'll say it again for good measure - write out the numbers. "And David, do not..." should be "And, David, do not..." Careful of listing things within dialogue. It's different than having someone read the laws off of a document. There shouldnt be underlines and you should use semicolons. “Well,” Ethar said, after - you dont need to say "Ethar" only because a paragraph before it says "I turned to Ethar" so we - as readers - can deduce who is speaking. Before you reposted this, I mentioned how i liked the goblin's speak. That comment still applies - it really adds a different, awesome element to the story. and, as before, I love this: “Fine I am silent as a slug.” probably my favorite line in the whole story. "A fat man (The Owner of the Inn) looked at us from a wooden table by the fire place." - this could be "A fat man - the owner of the in - looked at us..." or if you stubbornly want to use () then dont have "the" be in caps. I replied quickly, “ Beef, some apple cider and potatoes. He looked at me, “Well all we gots is carrots and pork. For drinks either rum or water.” - thats a little messed up. You forgot the end quotes after "potatoes" and you forgot that "He looked at me" should be in the next paragraph along with the new dialogue. Did you want chapter nine to be mingled in with chapter eight? it's best not to use / within the story. "armor/uniform." “Um, uh I lost them.” I said with a fearful tone. - that needs a comma after "them" because of the "I said" tagon. “Isn’t it past curfew Sarah?” - comma after "curfew" before "sarah." “Ladies first” she - comma after "first."

“I saved your life you miserable rat. I like you. You are direct. My name is Sarah.” - "I saved your life, you miserable rat." She paused for a moment, then smiled. "I like you - you're direct." Her smile grew. "My name is Sarah." - something along those lines might make it flow better, just an idea of course. there are many options.

I interrupted her, “So you want me to help you kill the King?” “Yes.” - the yes needs to be on a different line.

Dont have a whole line be in caps. use them limitedly - usually not at all. and when you must use em, be careful. they *will* distract.

The dialogue in this seems very normal. since i have earlier reviewed some of these chapters im sorry i cant give you much new, but this is all i have to offer.

sorry i didnt paragraph out the earlier part - I got lazy.


PS thanks for the reviews! - we will better explain the connection later.
Mintelwerke chapter 13 . 8/22/2005
Thanks for the reviews.

Good, chapter, just a few suggestions.

I had a cloak over my armor, for armor gets cold in rain, and to hide my wound from the others. Sure it hurt, but Sarah needed full attention. Gates of a nearby town shown as silhouettes against the gray morning. Verny had been cloaked to, actually everyone accept Sarah had one. Raven marched along holding her motionless body on his back. I walked up beside him.

Try ''I had a cloak on over my armor, because it was getting cold in the rain. It also hid my wound from the others. It hurt, sure, but Sarah was the one who needed everyone's full attention. The gates of a nearby town in the distance appeared as high silhouettes against the dark and dreary gray backdrop of the morning sky. Verny had been cloaked too. Actually, everyone except Sarah had one on. Raven marched along with her motionless body slung over his shoulder.''

Otherwise, this was an awesome chapter. I liked how he was disgusted with Raven's attitude, bery human.
Clodhopper chapter 7 . 8/21/2005
this will be my last review for the night. sorry it has taken me so long - i have been river rafting for the past week. when Raven was addressed, there should have been a comma before his name was said. also be careful of tag ons and commas - that can be tricky.

Clodhopper chapter 6 . 8/21/2005
ew gross tongue info...but a good description! only one exclaimation mark should be used for one sentence. in fact, only one mark per. no ? and be careful of capsing words. "YES!" etc - change that to italics. also, at the start of this chapter, someone yelled but there was a period at the end of the sentence, if they yelled they should have a !

Clodhopper chapter 5 . 8/21/2005
the dialogue is very natural. elipses should only be ... unless it is an end of a period which is four ... also, at one point, you had "To" instead of "too" be careful of those. also, "WH-what" should be "Wh-what" good job otherwise!

Mintelwerke chapter 12 . 8/20/2005
Thanks for the review,s hope you'll keep reading on, it gets better.

Your writing gets better every chapter. Only two mistakes, otherwise the atmosphere and tension were riveting:

He was afraid, by the way he white knuckled his staff I could tell.

Eh, try: ''He was afraid. I could tell by the way he gripped his staff so tightly his knuckles were white. It was as if he were expecting something maleficent and evil to appear before him, and he was preparing himself and steeling his nerves to meet it.

The other mistake is you say ''I fell over the railing. I lost my footing.'' It should be ''I lost my footing and tumbled/fell over the railing.''

Otherwise, it was a damn good chapter, very exciting and moody. Nice.
Mintelwerke chapter 11 . 8/19/2005
“Feeling better are we?” She smiled, her soft features and her slender body where covered in strange armor.

You should change that to

''Feeling better, are we?'' she said with a gentle smile. Her soft features and slender body were covered in a strange armor.

It'd starting to get really interesting. I liked how you used cats in the last chapter. Names are really cool.
26 | Page 1 2 Next »