Alright I feel I should write another review as I'm goin along, but it will be short. This story is great and I can't wait to finish it, but character reactions just don't seem believable. It's almost like they're extremely bipolar. And things like a 5yr old saying that they should have killed the soldiers doesn't make any sense either. Thats the only thing I see wrong, otherwise its a great story.

Well, I guess I'd better review so I can go to bed. I don't wanna quit readin. Every chapter gets better and better. The dialog sounds 'robotic' at times, but most times its alright. Maybe later I can continue. Oh and what the hell, I've heard of main characters gettin hurt but what looks like death? Thats crazy. Its cool though, good twist.

Aylo, I didn't get a chance to review when I read this yesterday so here goes today.

I like the premise of the story, definitely original. It was great to read up to the lunch. I don't mind reading a story with lots of dialog between two folks or just takin in a lot of general details. Things just seemed to happen a bit fast towards the end. Other than that its a great story. Can't wait to read the rest.

Hey. :D

Alrighty, although I do like this plot.. there are some things I'd like to mention. I feel like the first chapter started off well but towards the middle and end it was sort of.. boring?

Her transition into the world was much too easy, and the explanation of the whole society was too fast. I don't know, but I really don't enjoy hearing the characters explain their world because it seems so forced just for the readers. Also, I wish this was from Lusia's point of view, it would've been much more interesting. From this third person point of view it almost seems like she accepted it too quickly.

Sorry if you couldn't understand what I was saying. I'm not great at explaining things. :P

but, I will definitely continue to read this, hopefully it'll pick up more.

Herro! It's been a long time since I've been in this little review box, but catching up I must do!

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I don't know if anyone's mentioned this before, or if I have in past reviews (heh), but you might want to try using verbs or adverbs or adjectives as sentence openers instead of so many nouns. Every sentence seems structured the same way. "There were...So-and-so did this." It starts to generate a monotonous feeling and leads to lifeless description.

I do like the attention to detail you have when describing the city. It makes it easy to picture. I just wish there was a bit more, color, so to speak.

Tenneth sounds like an interesting person. I can't wait to see what you do with him!

Oh shoot! Kallan!

Nice battle scene. Crazy cliffhanger. Erm, yeah.

~Reda~

just got through the first couple of chapters and i love the story but its very jumpy! a little unnatural and i wouldnt expect the character to react so nicely to it, for eg: if someone asked me if i had feelings for a guy i just met i would most likely tell them to mind their own busieness and give me some space

i just cant see why she is so calm about everything- i would be upset at the lack of space from a bunch of strangers

however i can see it may be intentional and ill just have to keep reading :)

you have done a great job, you have a very nice writing style

Wow, you updated that long ago?

Oh this is excellent.

Though I do have a question. "Or I'll end up just like Ryukamei!" Is no one going to call her on that?

:) CD

Herro

"Falmar weakly shook his head, more like barely moving it one way, then the other." - omit the 'more like' here; that's an example of today's phrases sneaking through again

"Why did it have to be someone like him?" - Because authors are evil and love killing off good people early on (it's true, isn't it?)

"...she guessed that he must be a lone wolf type of elf." - hehe I'm going to be keeping a closer eye on Maris now; i love loners; and i read plenty of fantasy where they turn out to be a traitor

haha - erm - you have typo here "...he can't be a dessert elf, either." I'm sure you meant 'desert'

Woah! Didn't except that out of Ileria. Quite surprising.

"...might earn brownie points." Now really. Would someone from a different world - and an Elf type even - really say something like that? Doesn't it sound a little silly?

Oh boy, lost one character, had a mess with Ileria (glad she's not leaving us though), and now we have a new one. So much happens in just one chapter.

Curious to see what will happen in the city they're going to.

~Reda~

Herro

I hope my review style isn't annoying. I just kind of comment as I read. :)

Okay. I have to mention something about the word 'that.' I hate this word. When you go back and re-read this, try to take out every that - replace it with something if you must. Most times, you won't need the 'that' and now that I've pointed it out, I hope you'll see what I'm talking about.

Oh cool, dark stranger in forest. And he sounds hot too. Evil, perhaps, but I like mysterious characters ~

Oh noes! Falmar! I hope they make it in time to save him!

~Reda~

Hrm.

Kallan's keeping secrets. He's making it really hard for me to like him. Rawrg.

I don't trust him. I swear he's doing something to that necklace. Can't think of what. But...I agree with Lusia. Something weird is going on here.

Haha okay I trust him a bit more now. Not much. He's still suspicious with his secrets... (I hate secrets)

Love the history of the necklace. Very cool. And how it affects Lusia! I was holding my breath when she put it on, wondering what would happen.

"...he probably would have stayed by your side all night if I'd let him." - aw I love it when guys do stuff like that

I KNEW IT! Damn him. Damn it all. I liked his name and everything...

Wow things really picked up there at the end. Now I hope to learn more about these new people because I can hardly distinguish one from the other. Jolly good.

~Reda~

For some reason, I pressed 'enter' during my last review and it sent the review before I was even finished reading!

So, I'll just add somethings about the last chapter here:

Love the name Prince Kallan. Don't really know what I think of him, yet, but I do love the name.

I hope Lusia will get to 'hang out' with Sir Herras a lot; they seem like they would make great friends.

Interesting with Zalaf thinking Lusia was this nilf Nelime. Curious to see the story behind that...

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This chapter:

"..like a veil of black ice." - Love that image there.

The story of Nelime is very interesting, well written. I'm finding it hard to break away and review.

...

I'm mad at Kallan right now. I guess it makes sense and all, but why make such a silly fuss over a necklace? Rawr.

Love the chapter. And I love how Lusia doesn't have good control over her powers and things keep happening. Though always with plants it seems...

~Reda~

I like how you explain why domesticated hippogriffs can't fly.

Herro

Catchy title and summary, and good enough first few paragraphs to make me read on. So here goes:

"Mrs. Pierte sort of trailed off." - I would cut the 'sort of' for two reasons. One, how does one 'sort of trail off'? And two, it distracts from the story because it's a 'nowadays' phrase.

There's a similar concept here with the 'you all' in Trile's statements not too much farther down. It breaks from the fantasy mood.

Egomancer sounds cool! Multiple 'selves' scattered throughout reality. Neat idea!

I like your names. Lusia. Chine. Trile. (Although Zora reminds me of all the Zelda games I've played - ha)

When Rait comes in, he says "I'm serious, cross my heart and hope to die." This made me say 'reh?' because 1 - it sound fit with the mood and the culture you've set up and 2 - it's one of those 'nowadays' phrases again. Be careful of those when writing in a fantasy setting. They can really turn away some readers.

This is random and can be ignored, especially if you don't understand what I'm saying, but... "what with the rebellion and all..." makes me want to start quoting Star Wars - Episode 4 - haha

Another random thing. Merkin reminds me of murlocs from WoW. Hah. If you understand this, cool; if not, just ignore. :)

"Whenever they clean up the room, they organize everything, and I end up not being able to find anything." - I can relate. Ha. I hate it when my mom comes in and organizes my room. I end spending half a day trying to find all my story pieces written out on paper. DX

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All in all, this first chapter is quite enjoyable. Lots of interesting world-info, but at a nice pace. Nothing felt rushed or dragged out, and there was a way with your words (except at certain points) that were able to engulf me into the story and characters easily.

Job well done.

~Reda~

*snerk* the look on Lalila's face when Lusia explained her relationship with Kallan...

Huh. Interesting culture-shock gags.

:) CD