|Reviews for On the Outside Looking In|
| Minh-Night chapter 1 . 8/11/2005
you're ryhming somehow worked with you in this poem. I felt very touched knowing that in this stupid world, many feel the same way. Good job.
| DementedOracle chapter 1 . 8/11/2005
Just read this and "empty soul."Both were interesting, and the last line of this poem was especially evocative.
I like the different sound devices you use, chiefly the assonance at the end of some lines. I think both of these would make intriguing songs (In a angsty, Evanescence sort of way).
| LemonFlats chapter 1 . 8/11/2005
Okay, I hope you don't mind that I might be a little harsh here.
First impression: Hmm. I can understand what you're going for.
I was a bit confused by your rhyming-sometimes you did, sometimes you didn't. It would be easier to read if you kept it constant.
Grammar: "I’dof thoughtyou’d be happy" **have, not of. Many people make that mistake... :-/ And did you mean to run it together? If you wanted to run something together, a better place might be "WasisTHAThardtoloveme?", which would leave a feeling that it's hard for you to say, but you feel you have to say it, and to say it quickly would be less painful.
I think that with this poem, using verses would be better than not (ShiftEnter single-spaces it). They would help the reader be able to digest more of it and to keep your thoughts more organized.
On the whole, it's a great display of emotion. Good job ) Keep writing!