|Reviews for Herman the Hamster|
| Banshee Junior chapter 1 . 1/7/2007
Ouch. Poor Billy! Though I can also understand what Billy went through!
I like this piece - especially the mirroring of Herman's feelings to Billy's when the latter loses his temper in his room. But there are a few problems I find in it (though probably you must've gotten over them now, considering this was one of your earlier pieces):
1. Tenses: You tend jump from past to present without much notice, for the same time period. You start with present, oscillate between the two, and end with past. I know how difficult it is to handle tenses, but imagine you're saying this to someone and write it down, that might help. I've tried it.
2. Also, sometimes your sentences can be a bit too long, and in need of breaking. Like this one: "Billy stares in fury at nothing as he thought of how his brand new fishing pole that he had gotten from his granddaddy two weeks ago had been broken by the school bully." Probably it would be better as: "Billy stares in fury at nothing. He thinks of how his brand new fishing pole, given by his grandaddy two weeks ago, was broken by the school bully." Not that mine's much of an improvement, but yeah.
3. It would be much, much better if I got Herman's point of view a bit more than the scene in the room. Maybe even something about their life together earlier.
Nevertheless, I really liked this piece. You have a very interesting style and I hope you cultivate it!