|Reviews for The Course of Eight Years|
| temblance chapter 8 . 12/1/2005
I'm really glad you updated this; I feel bad for not reading it sooner. but here goes my review:
I liked the funeral aftermath becuase it was not melodramatic, not overkill. so good job with that.
Interesting take on a coronation that's something that you see in a lot of fantasy stories (I'm even going to have one in mine later, so I'm interested in reading them). but everyone seems to do them differently. It would have been cool if you had included some of his speech, because we don't exactly know Ed's ideas about the country, and we're not too familiar with his father's. but if you are going to show his leadership style in the story (assuming that he doesn't get assassinated by his brothers...lol) then it's okay that you didn't say anything about the speech, I guess.
overall, it's a nice chapter, and it does look like you are setting the scene for some interesting events that will occur soon. good job!
| Barbados chapter 8 . 11/14/2005
Heylo! Well, it's not as boring as you might have thought, and you know I wouldn't lie about it. It started off a little slow, sure, but it certainly got interesting. It's so hard to know with these twins... I want to believe him, ya know... but... I also want to scream for Edwin not to believe him, that they are setting him up lol. I think you did a great job with Ed considering the burial spot. How it's cold and dark, and not fitting for a bright warm man to be buried in. I really enjoyed this chapter SCR, and look forward (as always) to the next. Be well.
| rrmehta364 chapter 8 . 11/8/2005
im a little surprised that the mother could be so harsh to the twins. normally a mother is just a little biased against her own sons. even if she knows the truth, she'll put qualifiers around the statement. also, i dont know enough about the history of Valka. what was the warring states period like, how did the empire rise. this information is important, and i think you ought to get to it sooner or later.
| cazkainwielder chapter 7 . 10/15/2005
oh my gosh. i am so sorry this was posted like...a long time ago and i never read it. arg sorry sorry sorry.
ok so i'm reviewing as i read. ok since i am intent on giving suggestions...i shall. there is nothing at all wrong with the beginning of this chapter BUT it might be nice just to add in a little more detail about him being nervous about his father. sorry if that seems random but i'm in heavy edit mode and i've already spent a week and am not done with my chapter one so i'm in the "add detail" mood.
"He was a soft-spoken, small-boned man, short of stature with thinning brown hair and spectacles resting on the bridge of his nose. Gunther had always reminded Ed of a little mouse, skittering around, busily doing his job. His meager appearance was deceiving however. Gunther possessed a sort of strength that dwarfed all of the other servants." i absolutely love that. a good example of wonderful writing. great great imagery. keep it up! "Ed felt as if a boulder had just been slung against his chest." another good one.
ok i really don't know how to word this but i'll try. you might want to have more of a...suspense builder in previous chapters. i mean you have some but...a little more wouldn't hurt. like they KNOW that this guy is going to die...but they're not sure when. i dono maybe if you prolonged his death just a little more or put sort of a oh its good that he's going to die because he's old and yeah but there's something bad that they know is going to happen (politics wise maybe?...i'm reading a game of thrones can you tell?;) that will happen if he does. you don't have to do that its a random suggestion.
also on the topic of ed realizing what his dad being dead meant...well i don't know if you have any of this or not yet because i havn't read the whole chapter but its neat like if he does something say...i dono walks into breakfast...and notices that something is missing and then goes oh his dad isn't there to say "good mornin son did those nightmares gallop away last night?" that was so random and did not make sense but yeah a routine thing that he misses.
"They had almost shared a sort of comradeship since the night before. " prolong that and give examples. sorry i'm being picky.
hehe no the author's note isn't too long. ok one last thing and i havn't noticed you doing this the wrong way but i'm going to say it anyway because its good advice and its helped me a ton. so if you have a past event to describe...there are two things to think about. one is don't say it was bla bla bla and it looked bla bla bla and so on and so forth DO say ED REMEMBERED bla bal bla and ED REMEMED IT LOOKING bla bla bla and ED FELT bla bla bla because then it draws the reader into the character and the story. also don't forget to appeal to the senses. the smells the feel of things the taste of the air...not just what it looked like. oh yeah and sounds don't forget those :).
anyway i'm sorry to be so picky but i AM in heavy edit mode and i can't help it :). i actually think this was the best chapter yet because of the awesome imagery. so there. take that. lol. anyway i'll try to be 10 times faster with my next review when you update again! toodles! (and no i was definitly not expecting what you hinted at about where this could be going or what it really is off of fictionpress in that email. wow its like...HOLY COW! lol)
| ice flyer chapter 4 . 10/13/2005
a little behind in reviewing, and i only have a minute, so:
nice chapter. this one confused me a little because i am now wondering how old ed is exactly. ... ok i just skimmed over the chapters, to refresh my memory, and i might have read too fast. however i couldn't see any reference to his age. this chapter made it seem as though he was quite young - the way he was scolded and all that. but i didn't really get that impression from the other chapters. so you might want to clear that up.
but anyways..i like this world a lot. seems to resemble a land like medieval england or something but it's very clearly fantasy. i like how you've built up the geography and all as well. good job :)
| rrmehta364 chapter 7 . 10/5/2005
excellent chapter. i don't see anything awkward so far, and i doubt the next one will be awkward either. i dont like the frederick and garrick reference before, it seems out of place. dunno why. very good though. post more soon.
| rrmehta364 chapter 6 . 10/5/2005
to be perfectly honest, i didn't see this coming. well, now that i look at it again, i see the foreshadowing. i really like ed's character so far, i like the way he reacts to things. seems natural. i also like the eloa scars, very kool. good job and sorry for not reviewing for a while.
| scintillant-Caladrius chapter 7 . 10/3/2005
I think you did a really good job with the emotions in this chapter, especially the shock. I think you did the best job describing how his family, particularly his brothers,was brought together. Though I imagine it won't last past the coronation...Can't wait for your next update!
| temblance chapter 7 . 10/2/2005
Ah, yes...it always happens when you least expect it...the death of a parent. I'm looking forward to the next chapter and the rest of the funeral...it looks promising. You did a good job starting the emotions of grief and shock in this chapter, and I hope you continue that throughout the next- in a lot of stories the characters just kinda forget about it, or don't get convincingly sad.
anyway, great job with it. Can't wait for the next update!
| temblance chapter 6 . 10/2/2005
Yeah, the hints were there that Ed would become king, but it was still really nice hearing it. You did a nice job describing the shock as well, becuse I don't think the rest of the kingdom saw it coming...
As for the morbid hand-burning thing, I wrote a story with something similar to that in it, and reading about it made me smile...lol...it just reminded me of my old story. I didn't think it was bad at all. anyway, off to the next chapter.
| Barbados chapter 7 . 10/2/2005
Great chapter! Really, I think it's the best so far in terms of quality. We saw excellent characterization. The only servant Rowe refused to play tricks on. How the situation affected ALL of the siblings, bringing them together (though for how long...)The reactions and actions of the various individuals in the bedroom. Also, I think you did a great job with the 'details' that people have been clamoring for. By that, I mean how the halls echo the reality of the situation. How the somber mood of the chapter is so well portrayed. My only bit of CC this go is: do not start a sentence with 'and.' Take care! Go see Serenity! All of you! :P
| cazkainwielder chapter 6 . 9/25/2005
don't worry...short is good sometimes. i like the way you do character dialogue...you have each character with a different style. sometimes i find that when people have everyone speak the same way...its confusing and hard to follow and eventually gets uninteresting.
and yes...as i said it might be better not to say the ed becomes king at the beginning. i think it would be a nice surprise here. and i like the hand burning ritual...as i said before its a good idea.
well seeing as i have finished reading and have nothing else usuful to say...i will leave and hopefully by the next time you update i will have thought of something. lol. toodles and good job!
| cazkainwielder chapter 5 . 9/25/2005
so apparently i'm not going to be very useful anymore tonight...i hate it when i say ok i'm going to do a chaper by chapter review and i address all the things i thought needed help in chapters one and two and then have nothing to say for anything else. i hate that. i mean i know that everyone likes reviews saying "great job its perfect!" but when i do it it makes me feel worthless. i must say though...your descriptions are improving greatly! ok hold up must take a shower real fast...
ok back. anyway. i like the fact that your character has flaws...i'm sorry i hate "mary sues" you might say. characters MUST have flaws. they must do things wrong. ok. i'm so sorry. i have nothing else to suggest at the moment. one more chapter...perhaps i'll say something useful there.
| cazkainwielder chapter 4 . 9/25/2005
and by the way for the last chapter's author's note there are NO unnecessary details at all! (in my opion...but then agian i like lots of detail). and you know...opted is the neatest word. nice description in the second paragraph. but i don't know a lot about what the charaters look like...i know describing them is a gradual thing...but maybe speed it up a little? lol just a suggestion again.
GROWL I DON'T LIKE THOSE TWINS! ok i'm done. UNCLE? wow that was a surprise...a good surprise though! and yes...quality always comes over quantity...but when i first started posting i did 5 in two days i was so hooked lol. suggestion...take a weekend to write constantly and get a lot done ahead. then you'll feel better when you update cause you know if you can't get a lot done that week you'll have something to post next weekend! trust me last weekend when i updated and realized i had nothing else to use for updates i freaked out. so i wrote a bit this weekend...but its depressing. anyway you don't have to do that i just find it makes me feel better.
| cazkainwielder chapter 3 . 9/25/2005
so is valka (neat name by the way) in the middle of a desert? hm...most interesting. GASP how mean of them! no water? that's just cruel. arg.
hey mishra's a neat name! i love neat names...i put a lot of thought into my over 200 names...and its nice when other people have names that are different from say william (the most overused main character name that has ever existed).
"you overinflated balloon of a man" HAHAHA i actually laughed outloud at that. oh i am so going to say that to the next person who's is, as you say, "overinflated". oh wow that's so awesome. ahem...ok back to reading.
argasia...anothe one! ok i know this review isn't very helpful but i havn't found anything to say that i havn't already so yeah.
ah the coronation...now that's a really good idea. i like that a lot and its a really good way to end a chapter. now that i've given you a review that gives no help at all...i'll go on to the next chapter. and if my other ones seem harsh i'm very sorry...i mean nothing by it except to help.