Excellent story so far I do hope you continue. Although it is confusing sometimes the way you refer to Robert's friends. I suggest spacing out dialogue or try to be a little clearer on what is actually happening.

Why did you not continue this? Now I'm angry!

"That evening Thomas paid a visit to the best inn in Gunderdi, and after exchanging a few words with the honorable inn-keeper was escorted to a highly adorned set of apartments with a golden rose inlaid into the door. Everything in the room seemed to be a rose or part of a rose, the walls looked like pink rose petals, there were roses engraved seemingly every piece of furniture and roses on top of the furniture, and a heavy scent of rose perfume. Perhaps the lady sitting in the center of it, with her back to the door, should have been a rose too, for she was rather like another beautiful rose herself, but beware of her thorns."

- Through out this paragraph, I think you're over using the word "rose"

I once again liked the dialog, it seemed very real. The amount of suspicion in his chapter was just right to leave everyone wondering what you were thinking.

Great Work!

Kaiyako K.

Hey!

Intriguing chapter, I really enjoyed it! I like how the dialog flowed, it seemed very authentic.

The descriptions were great, but just a thought: instead of using their names so much you could use a pronoun in it's place.

Good Work!

Kaiyako K.

Hey!

More little glitches I noticed:

-“And what a big help I was, she told herself sarcastically.

~"And what a big help I was," she told herself sarcastically.

I like the idea of Zaltana, it sounds so beautiful I almost want to see it for myself.

Kaiyako K.

Hi Again!

I noticed these things as I was reading:

-“Think of other things, he told himself, think of the stairs.”

~"Think of other things," he told himself, "think of the stairs."

When Robert says that Sakirah's song reminds him of sorrow, pain, and hope, maybe you shouldn't have him ask what the song means.

Good chapter, I like where it is heading. I felt really bad for Sakirah when I read about her mother.

Kaiyako K.

Hey!

This is an interesting idea, putting a twist on an old clique. I liked how your dialog flowed through out.

One suggestion I might make is in the beginning when you had:

-Sakirah was never a stunningly beautiful but rebellious teenage merprincess. In fact she was neither rebellious or a princess, she wasn't even stunningly beautiful. But she was a teenage mermaid, and she was prettier than most girls you'll ever see. However, this is beside the point. The point is, that Sakirah was another little mermaid.

~I did understand what you were trying to say, but it took me a few times to read it. Perhaps you might want to change it to something like:

-Sakirah was never stunningly beautiful or rebellious. Nor, in fact, was she even a princess. However she was a teenage mermaid, and she was priettier than most girls you'll ever see. Though that is beside the point, what remains, however, is that she was just like every other mermaid.

Kaiyako K.

Wah! Three new chapters and it took me about a year to notice. Sorry about that...

Anyway, as usual i like where this is going. I loved the chapter where she is researching the old potions for transformation, and your take on the original little mermaid story. I also like the bit of mermaid lore you put in, when Sakirah reads about the origination of the merfolk. Very cool. Anyway, i love history and old archives and things like that, so this chapter was especially interesting to me. The whole underwater library idea was pretty cool, and i loved the way you described it.

The next chapter was, as you said, a bit confusing, but fun to read. I couldn't really keep track of all the characters, but i liked all their banter. Not a very relavant chapter, like you said, but amusing anyway.

And finally, chapter ten: Yay! she's finally human now. No problems i can think of for this chapter, really. I noticed you haven't updated in about 5 months or so, and left us a cliffhanger... very mean. Update soon, and good luck!

so she's leaving the sea... zaltana sounds cool. who's the girl who says good morning to robert? she sounds like a little flirt... i like where this is going.. getting more into the cinderella part now, very interesting. can't wait for sakirah and robert to meet again now that she's going to be human... update soon!

DUNDUNDUN... soz just ignore that there... this is a really good story! keep up the good work!

Gasp! This is really good! *Immensly surprised* I must continue reading! WE!

o... what a unique story.. you don't find many stories on mermaids... so good job. I really like the names especially sakirah... update soon!

undercoverangel

ps. thanks for reviewing my story!

I liked your mention of her collections and the comment "if i were human I would be rich." I can't wait to see how this turns out...and don't worry about having taken so long to update...as long as you keep going I'll be happy!

interesting idea, i like the name sakirah. the first two sentences were really awkward though - it's important to get those right because it sets the tone for the whole story. also i thought you kind of jumped into things a little fast. i found it unrealistic that a thirteen-year-old boy would just say "you're my friend" - it sounds like a five-year-old boy, really. all the thirteen-year-old boys i know would die before they'd say that, lol. but anyways, creative ideas!

It's interesting how you don't emphasize sakirah's hatred of the sea, like the disney movie does. Your take is originial. I'm interested in reading more.