|Reviews for Butterfly
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 2 . 10/2/2005
Hi it's me again! Thanks very much for your reviews, pal. They make my day! Anyway, as always, the scenes were very well detailed and it seems that the ocean thingy Pieta heard was totally different from that of reality, huh? And yeah, the slavers are really a bunch of thieving scavengers, huh? Man they're all a bunch of *bleep* alright and poor Pieta had to stand with them. Lucky Erden rescued her. Credit for this guy, man. Just wondering where he got the scars from... and guess revolution's on the cards, huh? Anyway, I'll stop here for now. Bye!
| Eyetk chapter 1 . 10/1/2005
Wow...amazing. Even if depressing. Yes, very depressing, but also very amazing and good imagry...
(Oh, and many apologies for not working on returning your reviews earlier. I'm so sorry. I've just been sort of stuck in a rut writing/reading-wise for a while. Sorry!)
Hmm...consistant use of opening sentences with nouns, which I'd normally go twitchy about, but I'm not really sure if it would work any other way, here. Something to think about, but...overall, I loved it. Great job!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 10/1/2005
Hi there! New reviewer here! Well, it seems that Pieta's really gone through some rough times, huh? The scenes were very well described and the feel of sadness here was evident. You did well to portray the scene starting from what it was previously before all the way to the present. The memories of Pieta were also detailed and something that I can almost feel. Lastly, I really like the last part on the butterfly. It's very compatible with this chapter for sure. Anyway, hope you'll update this soon. Bye!
P.S: If you're wanting to review me back (which I hope so), take note that my only story was a carbon copy of Tolkien and Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time in the first two chapters due to my own fault of uncreativity. I found this out when reviewers point that out to me. I dunno what's your definition of offensive, but I hope you'll not be put off by my story. On the other hand, I tried my best to remedy this problem by puting in the revised version of the two chapters. They still have a shade of Tolkien, but IMO, they're much better. To know more what I'm talking about, look at my profile and you'll know.
| rrmehta364 chapter 2 . 9/30/2005
well, the first chapter begins in the passive voice and i didnt really like that too much. for some reason, the first chapter made it feel like she had been sold ages ago. seems a very nice man she meets, a little too nice. the main problem i find with him is that he doesn't feel like a man in a hurry. though he says he's in a hurry, he just doesn't feel it. I found the first awkward sounding sentence (im not normally this detailed)"Once when he removed his shirt to work, Pieta saw a branding upon his back, and the marks of many whippings. She was surprised at this, and wondered where he had gotten them" Too many this's and thens. them word be the enemy. dunno if the raven scavenger metaphor is the best. people normally associate crows with scavengers. the level of detailed dropped a little, i think you should probably bring it back up. don't overkill, but i think you can safely add more.
all right, let me make this clear. i was just guilty of serial nitpicking. the positives of the story greatly outweigh the negatives. i want to know what pieta's and erden's story. the sentences are almost all beatifully constructed. you're not afraid to use fragments and the way hits the reader with a lot of emotion. i hope this counts as a real review.
| rrmehta364 chapter 1 . 9/30/2005
so beatiful. you've mastered the fine art of prologue writing. i know just enough to really, really, really want to read the next chapter. the detail is just scrumptious, little details make the scene seem so real. at first i thought this was a one shot or something because it was just so powerful (people who write longer stories get lazy with detail and emotion)
Since this story is so incredibly awesome, im going to have to find some cc. umm... this could take a while.
i've got it, add some more details about her happiness other than dancing to make her feel more like a more full character. then again, that might make the scene less poignant. maybe ill find something next chapter.
| Count of Casualty chapter 2 . 9/25/2005
It is so nice to read a well written story! I think I've said that already...Sorry I didn't review earlier. I went to see The Brothers Grimm last night, then I played Sims 2 University until late in the night. Excellent job! I can see everything you describe so vividly. It's amazing! Can't wait for more! ;)
| SliversofSilverPain chapter 1 . 9/23/2005
This is amazing. The descriptions are almost on an emotional level... the start is almost suductive, sensuous... amazing. the ending made me cry, because it is a story told from the emotions. well donewrite the story, what did you call it?
| Holli-chan Stevens chapter 1 . 9/18/2005
Whoa... I love your descriptions. Wonderful character, i love the idea of the minstrel. The dogs and the foot was a nice touch, I love how you put together the whole story. Keep it up!
| Earthsong12 chapter 1 . 9/6/2005
Aw...so sad! The writing is really nice, it flows so well and really paints a picture in my mind. I'm not sure exactly what culture you're describing, but why was the ministrel lying down while he sung? Just wondering. Oh, and thanks for reviewing me! _
| Count of Casualty chapter 1 . 8/24/2005
I like this sketch too. You have got some talent girl! ;) I mean, the visual was all there, I could see everything that was taking place. Awesome job! :D
| Clodhopper chapter 1 . 8/24/2005
Oh, Pheobe! This was so sad! The poor little thing... The writing was well done, but be careful of overdoing it at the start - about her dancing. It wasnt bad or anything, just starting to get a little much. But then as soon as her love was introduced, some intrest caught. the problem with focusing so much on the dancing is that, in the start of this, there is no eye catcher. so either add a quick quirk at the beginning - perhaps mentioning but not revealing the tragedy - or go a little less on the dance description. the only other CC I have for you is about the end. you had such a powerful one, but then breezed by it. the butterfly with a broken wing, to me, is more powerful than the last paragraph proclaiming her a moth with a broken wing. IMHO, the last sentence should be something like "She was a butterfly with a broken wing." or, if you'd like, spice it up with the imagery you're so good at.
both of these things are entirely nitpicky, however. the story was well written. i connected with the character enough to be sad when her love was gone. i'd be interested if you got her into a full-fledged story. this butterfly with a broken wing.
| gigi chapter 1 . 8/21/2005
Ah.. (sniffles, wipes away a tear) so Sad. I like ( LOve) the beginning paragraph though
| softlycryingrain chapter 1 . 8/19/2005
Very well written! You do a beautiful job at describing your character and the scenery. This was a very emotional story, it doesn't really have much of a plot, but I think you accomplished your goal, if that was to simply portray a character. Wonderful work!
| Theory Of The 4th Dimension chapter 1 . 8/18/2005
How pretty it started. The beauty of this tragedy belies in its simplicity. Hope you could add more like you said.)
| foxdance chapter 1 . 8/18/2005
You have a talent for imagery and metaphor. I'm only disappointed that I have no more chapters to pore over. Hopefully you'll fit The Butterfly into a plot as sweeping as your character.