|Reviews for Butterfly|
| Alankria chapter 12 . 5/1/2006
"She would breath in free air and breath out all that worried her inside." - In both cases, should be 'breathe' not 'breath'
Nice song... *sways* I love how it really is rhythmic.
"“I would be surprised to see that sapling of a king take any kind of military action against me after his father let Thalgiers’ armies sit and spoil for so long.”" - ficpress split this into two paragraphs. And this too: "“We have no troops on call. Stonehold is protected only by your bodyguard oftwo hundred Gelihemian guardsmen.”"
Oh Damon, Damon, don't be too stupid or you'll annoy me.
"Never before had Damon of Gelihem blenched from dealing ruthlessly with his adversaries." - blanched, not blenched.
Interesting chapter, very interesting. I really should get back to my revision now, sadly. (this is far more interesting that something I've been revising for a week now... blergh) Laters!
| Alankria chapter 11 . 5/1/2006
Heya, back once again!
Is forty really so young? I mean, for starters most forty-year-olds are starting to show a few grey hairs so Damon's grey isn't entirely premature. There are those who are entirely grey (or bald) earlier than that. Furthermore, in most fantasy settings the living standards are lower than our 21st century life, so people don't live as long. This would mean that someone older than forty would be quite old, and I get the impression that you don't want Damon to look like an old man ... if I'm wrong, please correct/ignore me. I think if you'd said he could be only 35 but looked older, than I wouldn't have this kind of nagging sensation that it's not quite right.
"These are my woods,” said Damon, “And I would know who dwells within them." - I think, as what Damon is saying here would be one fluid sentence, you want the 'a' of 'and' not to be capitalised.
" Failure to meet eyes implies dishonesty and deceit." - I think this would sound better as "Failure to make eye contact implies dishonesty and deceit" but that could just be personal preference.
"About her small round body she could fairly feel Adam’s firm grip and effortless movement." - This sentence just doesn't feel quite right to me. Perhaps it's because of your use of the word 'fairly', which still throws me off. I'm not sure... *frowns*
Interesting chapter. I wonder if Pieta's heritage will have any impact on the story. I'm glad you haven't made Damon a raging, maniacal tyrant; I much prefer interesting bad guys.
| Alankria chapter 10 . 4/27/2006
"All color had drained from his face" - I don't think you need the 'had' there, because this flashback scene is being written in past tense.
"Unwilling to go into the black night but knowing she must breath some cool air," - 'breathe', not 'breath'
"Her insides fairly ached." - This use of the word 'fairly' must be an American thing, because I've caught in another American's story but I still get confused every time I see it. Ah well, just thought I'd mention that for the sake of mentioning it *grins*
"She could hear her captor’s breathing commingling with her own" - I think 'mingling' would sound better than 'commingling', which I think should only have one 'm' anyway.
I knew Pieta shouldn't have gone into the woods alone. *sigh* Pretty cruddy sentry if he didn't notice her.
"and Pieta beheld a before her a great stone fortress" - Cut out the first 'a' (between 'beheld' and 'before')
" the citadel of which Erden had spoke." - I think it should be 'spoken'
Oh dear, poor Pieta. This was a good chapter with some lovely descriptions, and of course a nice cliffhanger at the end. I have to go do other stuff now but I'll check back later.
| Alankria chapter 9 . 4/27/2006
"toying with Pieta’s dark hair and causing goose bumps to rise of her bare neck." - Should be 'on' not 'of'
"Damon knows now he is being watched; he knows not by whom." - But surely he'll be able to make a pretty darn good guess.
"Come, Pieta, andhelp me look for it." - I think ficpress stuck those two words together.
The jealousy scene is very good, very realistic. As too is the effect her limp is having on her body. I can imagine some writers (the ones who would have made Pieta a Mary Sue, which I'm glad to say she's definitely not) would have 'somehow' managed to keep her beautiful or graceful or something unrealistic like that. Though I suspect that Virgil would still find her attractive, many others would now just pass her over.
"Pieta moved her legs and attempted run with newfound strength" - should be '..attempted to run..'
Aww, Adam is kind of cute *glomps* :D
"Wolves don’t dare come near burning fire," - Or the amount of men in a military encampment.
Good chapter, building up both Pieta's character and also everyone else's, particularly Adam's. As I've said before, you have an interesting cast here.
Response to reviews: (1) Casey isn't gay. But he's not as, well, horny as most other guys. He can control any sexual feelings he has for Trifmara. (2) Trifmara's jumping ability and others will be explained, as will the tattoo. They're liked... sort of. *grins* (3) To be perfectly honest, I think all my stories will have M-rated content but I want to post them as T-rated simply so I'll get more reviews, more feedback. I never write a scene and think, 'this can't go in a T-rated story'. If it's particularly bad, I'll rate the chapter individually to cover myself. It's as cynical as that, really, but I've not got in trouble yet, presumably because I am pointing out the really bad stuff. Movies are different to films anyway. Take Trifmara stripping down to her undies. In the book it's completely unsexual because of the way I write it; in a film it could be far more sexual just because people get to see her hot body - so using the exact same ratings for the exact same situations is a bit sketchy, in my opinion. (4) Have no fear, Fox is alive. You'll find out how he survives in the next chapter. He's one of the main characters, though that's probably not totally apparent yet.
| Alankria chapter 8 . 4/26/2006
"Caressing beams of sunlight fell upon her Pieta’s face," - Cut out the 'her'. Also, in this whole sentence, the 'caressing' makes the sunlight seem gentle and then the use of the word 'burning' makes them seem harsh. Kind of a contradiction there.
"Many stories had been told as to the nature of the bird" - I think this would sound better as: '...been told about the nature of the bird'
"and I was besieged my dogs." - 'by', not 'my'
"They were s deep" - I think you mean 'so' instead of 's'
A good chapter with some pretty descriptions. I've got to do some revision now but I'll check back in the not too distant future.
| Alankria chapter 7 . 4/26/2006
"And ailing into the bargain, what her foot and all." - I think you mean 'what with her foot and all'
“Yes.” was the unsympathetic answer. - Should be a comma not a period after 'Yes'
I think you handled the training well. It's understandable that she could pick up the sword fighting fairly quickly if she could get over her fears - after all, she was once a dancer. As it is, she picks it up at an acceptable rate, and I believe I'm right in saying that she's still far from being a master. I suspect Adam was holding back, and in a real battle her chances would be very very low. So that's not cliché. My only problem is you stating so obviously what's going through Adam's mind; I can't help but feel that it could have been kept a mystery for just a bit longer. Other than that, another good chapter.
| Alankria chapter 6 . 4/26/2006
"amused at finding her younger brother alone, and so thoughtful." - Don't need that comma.
Nice chapter, and I'm glad Laertes agreed to let her come along.
| Alankria chapter 5 . 4/23/2006
Hmm, and I thought Laertes was pretty young. Yet you say Adam is only six years older than him, yet past his prime. I think some clarification on the ages is necessary.
"I think you will agree, though, that, were Damon dethroned, his country would be glad of it, for he is obviously a tyrant." - Hmm. Now I think this is symptomatic of our differing comma usage. I would write this as: "I think you will agree, though, that were Damon dethroned his country would be glad of it for he is obviously a tyrant." There are some differences between our countries' grammar *smiles* Just thought I'd highlight this sentence because there are A LOT of commas and it makes it read really jerkily.
How does Erden know all this?
“That is a most sensible idea,” Adam said[, “B]ut you must bear in mind that we have very few troops. - In this sentence, the bit encircled in square brackets needs work. If you have a comma, the first letter of the speech *must* be lower case. Or, if you have the first letter lower case, the punctuation *must* be a full stop or another ending mark (like a ! or ?). I've noticed you do this a few times but I thought I'd point it out just once, then you can bear it in mind when you come to write anything else or if you go back to make edits.
Hmm, how freely would they really be around a stranger? (Pieta) I know they wouldn't suspect her, but the enemy would want to send someone they wouldn't suspect.
"and I see no reason why it should not be you." - Except for her foot. Hmm. I can see why she could be useful, and I suppose they could put her on a horse for the journeying. It's just that this sentence makes it sound as if there really is nothing wrong with Pieta compared to any other girl.
Good chapter. The tactics seem sound enough, though things always go wrong in the field. And I'm glad Pieta is going with them, because it means she won't be as lonely. I must say, it's good to read about someone who is obviously so unhappy without it feeling like uber-angst. I'm sure you know the kind of thing I mean *grins* Congrats for fantastically avoiding it.
In response to your reviews: Firstly, thanks! Also, it's kind of a shame you don't use your email because it's much easier to respond in emails. Doesn't clutter up the reviews so much. But I can understand why you'd not want to reveal your email so no worries. Anyway, responding... (1) Casey and Trifmara aren't going out or sleeping together or anything. I purposefully left it unexplained at the beginning, but it should become clear through the book that there's nothing sexual going on between them. At some point it will be explicitly said, whenever it's appropriate for me to throw that in. (2) Yup, when we're talking about the levels of a building we say storey/storeys, but when we're talking about a book/tale we say story/stories. (3) Shite is a British alternative to shit. We say shit too; I think shite is more common in Scotland. Anyway, it means the same thing. ...Glad you're enjoying the story! .
| Alankria chapter 4 . 4/23/2006
Laertes is a surprisingly accessible king, if someone like Erden can just walk off the street and see him like that. It bugs me ever so slightly.
Ah-ha, I see how things are beginning to tie together.
" I do not think that Adam approve of this." - I think this sentence is missing a word. Perhaps 'will' between 'Adam' and 'approve'.
"Pieta had never realized how much weight the importance of physical looks bore." - An interesting sentence, and sadly true as well.
I'm glad that Pieta is safe in Evondre's care, though I suspect that she will become tangled up in more than being the Princess' maidservant. A good chapter, tying things together and providing plenty of hints for future plot.
In response to your review: Leia was the woman his father left him with while his father went on a mission. A friend of the family, basically. That should have been clear *frowns* Ah well, I'll have to tweak that slightly. Concerning connections between the two chapters; well, really I'm just introducing the two main characters, Trifmara and Fox. You won't hear much from Fox for a while, though, but he is important. I like stories with lots of characters. And I know what glomp means *smiles* I like your story so far - it's kind of fun, easygoing in a way, but at the same time it's a good read both stylistically and grammatically, and slightly dark too. If that makes sense. And it has good characters, which is always a good thing.
| Alankria chapter 3 . 4/23/2006
Back for another one.
King Laertes... wasn't that the name of Odysseus' father?
"The young king’s head began to ache, and he took of his crown" - 'of' should be 'off'
"It looked light, but seemed to Laertes an unbearable weight at times." - I like this line :) Very appropriate, and I'm sure it's true of any monarch.
"Laerte’s eyes seemed clouded as he recalled these dim and horrific memories." - The apostrophe should be after the 's' in 'Laertes'
Would Mierposa look after the children personally? In many historical royal households, the mother saw her children a handful of times a day if that. Of course, Mierposa could be different as could this culture - just thought I'd mention it.
A good chapter, and I see your note at the end about POV (I was going to mention that publishers prefer one person's POV even in third person, but then I saw on your profile that you only write for fun). I wonder how these politics will relate to Pieta's story. Laertes seems like an interesting character already and I look forward to finding out how he gets around the problem of his weak military.
In response to your review: I am a fairly tight editor, yes, but there will be more slips in later chapters. That first chapter has been redone countless times! I will check out your new story when it appears, but I'll keep going on 'Butterfly' too because I'm really enjoying it, and I'll keep giving you CC in case you decide some time to go back and make changes.
| Alankria chapter 2 . 4/22/2006
Back for another chapter tonight.
"The dream had ended, and Pieta was awakened." - This makes it sound like something actively woke her up. As it's not clear whether or not that's the case, some clarification is needed.
The second paragraph (beginning "She no longer felt the dust...") feels like it could be tightened up a bit, that what you say could be said in fewer sentences.
"The two remaining men of the last crowd glanced about, and lingered off." - The word lingered means they stayed there, yet I'm sure you mean that they wandered off.
"that Pieta could see the very mermaidens he described, and taste the salt in the air." - You don't need the comma after 'described'
" and yet it seemed to have a sort of treacherous wildness to it he had never accounted for." - I think this would sound better with 'that' inserted between 'it' and 'he'
"she tripped forward, and grasped at air." - Don't need that comma either.
I think perhaps you need to say what she does while the ship is preparing to leave harbour. Just a sentence or two, perhaps saying that she's directed towards somewhere out of the way that she can sit while the crew are busy. It just felt like it was missing that little detail.
See? I can give constructive criticism. *grins* I liked this chapter, and though there's a part of me that finds it a touch unrealistic, that part of me is staying fairly quiet for the time being. If I think about it, I understand Erden's motive for wanting to free her, and I understand why she would be willing to follow him even though he's a total stranger - so I'm just going to ignore my overly cynical side. So far this is an enjoyable read with two characters who are already engaging me, and I will definitely be back for another chapter.
And finally, thanks for the review. I welcome any and all CC - even if in the end I don't take it, the important thing is it's made me think about the part in question, made me be sure that I want to say what I've said in that way. Know what I mean? Oh, and Star Wars is definitely scifi. *grins* One of my favourites as well.
| Alankria chapter 1 . 4/21/2006
I think the only word I can find to describe this prologue is 'enchanting'. The tone of the writing, the easy fluidity of the prose and the impassioned content dragged me straight in. If the rest of the story is this good, then I'll be a happy reader. Sadly not at this moment, because I have to go, but I'll be back for this. Best of all, I could find nothing to criticise here - but I'll be sure to keep an eye open for anything later.
| Medieval Fantasy Freak chapter 17 . 2/9/2006
OH MY GOSH! I love this story so much, that it's beyong words! You should try to get this published, because this story is a real jewel! After Chapter 11, I didn't find many mistakes worth mentioning, just typos. This story gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. I could go on and on about how much I loved this story, but I can't. YOu said that you were going to make a story about Laetrtes and Mierposa, and I would like to read it. In fact, maybe you should write a sequal about Pieta and Virgil after they got married. Maybe, they have a kid?
Well, that's about it. I want to read more. lol. Well, bye!
| Medieval Fantasy Freak chapter 12 . 2/9/2006
Hey there! I doubt you remember me, because I've changed my pen name so many times. But I'm the one you wrote A Story Of Deceit, Revenge, & Betrayl. You read it. And I also wrote The Skeption Chronicles. You reviewed it not too long ago. Honestly, I had forgotten about this story, and I'm very glad you reviewed mine, because in doing so, you reminded me of Butterfly. So here, I am, reading through it. I hadn't read it in so long, that I had to start completely over reading it. But I'm at Chatper 11 so far. I review ever so often as I read. But right now, here's my reviews for 1-11.
So far, you don't mention Erden enough. He seems to have faded into memory, because he is no longer a main character. That is something that needs adjustment, letting an important character become a secondary character. Not good. But I like the characters so far, except Dante. But Evondre and Pieta are my favorites. Pieta has a fire about her, she doesn't want to give up, and no matter her disablement, she keeps going and doesn't falter...often. And Evondre, she is Pieta's backbone in a way. I don't know what is going to happen in the later chapters, but so far Evondre is in a way, Pieta's crutch. Laertese (sp) is a nice character to, but he isn't as important.
I'm in love with your writing style, its so...vivid and expressive. You really get inside the heads of your characters, and that is always helpful. Your writing mimicks that of Tamora Pierce in a sense.
But, unfortunately, throughout it, I found a fair share of grammar errors, but I'm not in the mood to point them out. I'm really really sorry. But they were mostly typos I believe, squishing words together. Other than the typos, I notice a few quotation mark errors. I'm not sure if you did it, or if fictionpress uploaded it wrong, in either case, its off. I wish I knew where it was exactly, but I know where Evondre and Laertes are talking, and its before they leave for war. But yeah...I wish I could remember it.
But its great so far, and I am looking forward to reading the rest. Maybe now I can't point out the grammatical junk. lol.
Oh, so far, the chapter where Pieta is trying to dance, but can't, and she ends up singing the song, that one is my favorite. It really shows Pieta's innerself.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 17 . 1/22/2006
Hi there! It's me again! Thanks very much for your review by the way. Yeah, I'll have to say this story's rocks man. Bummer Erden died, but ah well... and yeah, nothing to saym much about this ending chapter, but I'll have to say I like the ending very much. It's a real happy ending unlike the previous one I've reviewed. (Forgot the title though) Anyway, I'll have to say the conversation between Pieta and Virgil is very well done too. Anyway, hope to see another short stroy done from you soon! Bye!