|Reviews for Regimental Blues|
| Chuggur chapter 3 . 10/3/2006
General Thoughts: As nearly as I can tell, this chapter is all about character development. It's very difficult to juggle more than, say, five characters or so-even the best authors try to keep a cap on it. But you do so very well. The only tip I can think of is this: You might want to flesh of Sergeant Wolfe a bit. Maybe not particularly in this chapter, but definately before the explosion. We gotta hate this guy, but...I'm just not feeling it.
Laiq: Don't worry about going so in depth on my story, I've got expert help in that area. I'm just looking, like you said, for general feedback, since mostly only the people who know me pretty well have read it so far. I want to know if it holds up against an objective reader. As for time and all that...I actually enjoy proof-reading. It helps keep me on my own grammatical toes, and it doesn't take me all that long. Actually, it takes longer to word things as nicely as possible than it does to find them. :-) Forgive me if I tend to come off harsh-I'm trying not to.
Grammar/English Language: You've got a lot of dialogue in this chapter. You seem to be pretty good at this already, but I thought I might as well point it out anyway, and here seems as good a place as anywhere. One of the major problems I come across all too often is the word "said." As I noted above, you don't have too much of a problem with it, but there are a few places where the dialogue reads like this: "...David said...Jacob said...Tak said...David said..." It's not technically incorrect, but it detracts from the actual text. At least, it does for those poor, anal-retentive sots like me who inhabiate the reading community. Here are a few words of advice:A-advocated,alleged, announced, asserted.B-babbled, bawled, bewailed, blurted.C-ceded,confided,crooned, crowed.D-decreed, drawled, droned.E-elaborated, enunciated, expounded.F-fretted, fumed, fussed.G-gibed, groused, grumbled.H-harangued, hedged, howled.I-implored,interjected, intimated.J-jabbered, jeered, joshed.K-kibitized(a bit lame, sorry), kidded.L-lamented, lampooned, lectured.M-mimicked, mocked, muttered.N-nagged, narrated, noted.O-objected, offered, opined.P-panted,pouted, proclaimed, protested.Q-queried, quoted.R-raved, reported, revealed, roared.S-scoffed, screehed, seconded, sighed, sneered, speculated, squawked, squeaked, stuttered, summarized, sympathized, synopsized (lots of S's).T-taunted, testified.U-upheld, urged, uttered.V-volunteered, vouched, vowed.W-wailed, warbled, whimpered.X-I got nothing. :-(Y-yawned, yodeled, yowled.Z-:-D Nothing.
Para 1, sent 2: "...fizzed out, and was..." Don't need the comma. Also, the eardrums don't fill with sound. They vibrate after the auditory canal fills with sound and transmit said vibrations through the middle ear to the cochlea...yeah...Let's just say that EARS, not eardrums, fill with sound.
Para 4, sent 1: I think you should combine this entire paragraph with the previous one, since you use so many pronouns with David as the antecedent and never actually mention David here.
Para 7, sent 2: Being an inanimate object, Sebastian's garb could not exactly contrive all on its on. However, Sebastian might contrive to kep his garb immaculate.
Para 17, sent 2: As a general rule of thumb, mornings don't make thing flash, not even teeth. Morning light, however, might do so.
Para 18, sent 1: "...followed grumpily by Tom..." is both vague and semi-incoherent. Either Tom followed grumpily or Tom grumpily followed.
Para 26, sent 2: "The air WAS moist..."
Para 26, sent 3: "The sky WAS..."
Para 34, sent 1: "...went on Jacob regardless, who would have..." You've separated the apositive "who would have..." from the subject it modifies-Jacob. Try rephrasing the sentence as: "...Jacob, who would have..., went on regardless..."
Para 38, sent 1: "...when they had got over..." How about "when they had GOTTEN over..."
Para 41, sent 1: "...went Mikhail plaintively..." Come on...you're killing me here...
Para 56, sent 1: Again with the magical spectacles that pop in and out of existance.
Para 63, sent 1: What's a plane tree?
Para 70, sent 2: Lit, not lighted.
I think you're getting better as the story goes on-it's getting harder and harder to dig up mistakes. Good job.
| meonlymejustme chapter 18 . 9/27/2006
| Laiqualaurelote chapter 1 . 9/27/2006
Dear Chuggur: I really appreciate what you're doing, but you don't have to go through the grammar in all the chapters like that. I imagine it would take quite long to formulate one review per chapter, and you still have twenty-three more to go. Just general notes will do, I think.
I confess I'm saying this because I know I won't be able to do the same for your stories; I really do not have as much time or patience as you. Sorry.
| meonlymejustme chapter 16 . 9/27/2006
I am really enjoying reading this and I mean REALLY! You're an amazing writer. This is the first story I've found on here that I WANT to read and it'll be the first one I'm actually going to finish. Although I dont want it to end...spose it must. Great jokes btw...lovely :D
| meonlymejustme chapter 9 . 9/26/2006
Ahh I can't stop reading! But I have to go to bed...right be back later.
| meonlymejustme chapter 6 . 9/26/2006
Well it took a while but I started reading it for real! I love it! Lol the food fight scene was brilliant. And your characters are really interesting, actually people that I like reading about. I'm so glad I started reading this after you'd finished, theres no way I would have been patient enough to wait for you to update all the time. Good job!
| Chuggur chapter 2 . 9/26/2006
General Thoughts: Nice characters. Introductions are nicely, seamlessly executed. We've just enough detail to feel familiar with the people without being able to positively pin down certain...traits...*cough*...
Grammar/English Language: As promised, I think I'd better go over basic sentence structure. Don't get mad if I'm reiterating stuff you already know, okay? There are three basic types of sentences: simple, compound, and complex. The simple sentence is the most basic of all: I like bananas. Simple declarative statement, all right? Now, let's add this one: I don't like pears. I like bananas, but I don't like pears. Now, it's a compound sentence. That is, we've mixed two independant clauses (stand-alone sentences) together with a comma and a conjunction. I like bananas but not pears. This one is a complex sentence, since we've mixed one dependant clause (does not stand alone: "but not pears") and one independant clause. Notice how I've used a comma in the compound sentence only? MOST of the time, commas are not necessary in complex sentences. Not always, though. As a general rule of thumb, if the dependant clause comes first, you need a comma since you probably won't stick the conjunction onto the beginning of the independant clause. Besides combining sentences, commas are most often used for bracketing adjective phrases, or apositives (little extraneous asides that elaborate on a word in the sentence). "John, THE OLDEST AFTER HIM, stood foremost..." Commas are also used to set apart a tag, okay? A tag is a word or two added onto a sentence, usually to change it from a declaritive to an interrogative, got it? Also, tags can come at the beginning of a sentence. So, if you're not making a separating clauses, dividing out apositives, or adding tags, be careful where you place your commas.
Para 2, sent 2: Remember to watch the passive voice. "His mother HAD tears..."
Para 6, sent 2: You've placed the pronoun "its" too far ahead of the antecedent "Porsyth." Either bring them closer together or use a more specific pronoun.
Para 9, sent 1: "His eyes fell on the figures standing the shaded doorway behind his parents." Come now, you know better than to leave words out! We read text, not minds.
Para 9, sent 2: It's a fragment. Perhaps you could tie it together with the previous sentence with a semicolon (;).
Para 9, sent 4: Most sacrifices are made TO something, not FOR. I guess it's still correct to sacrifice something FOR patriotism, but I don't think it rolls as well.
Para 11, sent 1: Again "knives of his heart" is, technically, correct, but perhaps something more along the lines of the knives IN his heart...? Also, why would the father extend his hand (usually a leave-taking) and then offer to walk David down to the road? They should shake hands when they actually part ways, not before.
Para 12, sent 1: Wheat fields is two words, not one.
Para 13, sent 2: You make several references to time throughout the story, but I don't recall anything about any time-telling mechanism. Unless you want your characters running around with pocketwatches or burning marked candles from dawn, you'll have to go more general. Have it be well into the afternoon or some such.
Para 14, sent 3: Enrol is not a word. Enroll is, though. Besides, most people enlist in the army and enroll in school.
Para 16, sent 2: "THE tone of voice..." Doesn't quite ring right. Perhaps HIS tone the voice, or THE tone of HIS voice.
Para 22, sent 1: You've got his and him too close together to have them referring to different people. You might have to call David by name here, instead of calling him "him."
Para 26, sent 3: "He looked like a man who would never be." "He looked like a man who never would be."
Para 27, sent 1: "David put on the smile that contained the most teeth and sauntered..." Something about a smile containing the most teeth seems unfinished somehow. Perhaps you left out the word "possible?"
Para 32, sent 2: "David doused it..." What is "it?" The form? Or the quill? Please do tell.
Para 34, sent 3: "He had..." Watch the passive voice. Again.
Para 34, sent 4: "His teeth were..." And again. "...and the hand...was..." And again.
Para 37, sent 2: Here, you mentioned Jacob wearing glasses, but we never hear anything peep about them throughout the entire rest of the story. Either have him wear them, or not, but don't mention them once and never again. You bring up Jack's earring more than Jacob's spectacles.
Para 64, sent 1: The was is not necessary. The hood slipped off is fine.
Para 64, sent 2: "Sebastian’s face was..." Passive voice. You tend to do this a lot when describing characters, it seems. Try something like: "Sebastian's pale face, nearly bloodless, seemed to be pointed in a rather elfish manner."
Para 64, sent 3: "His eyes were..." Passive voice.
Para 67, sent 1: "Porsyth was..." *growl* No comment...
Para 67, sent 3: "David's farm WAS..."
Para 67, sent 4: "But the Shadow Mountain WAS..."
Para 70, sent 1: It seems awkward for someone to have a skill FOR something. Perhaps OF is the better word there.
Para 74, sent 2: "So WAS..."
Para 74, sent 3: "He WAS...it WASn't..."
Para 82, sent 1: "Ther WAS..."
Para 82, sent 3: You don't need the quotation mark at the end."
Para 83, sent 4: Capitalize the beginning 'H.' If you wanted to continue the sentence there, you'd have to have something akin to "he said," or else add an "and" after the final quotation. Also, replace "was cupping" with "cupped" to keep you tenses consistant.
Para 95, sent 1: People don't usually cry out in indignance. Most people DO, however, exclaim in indignation.
Para 103, sent 6: As a general rule, shoes don't "whing." On occasion, they might, however, "whine."
Para 105: "...that HAD..." Passive voice.
| Chuggur chapter 1 . 9/25/2006
All right, from the beginning...
General Thoughts:As I said before, I like the story. Now, as I go back for round two, I feel like I'm a freshman again, nicking the vocabulary lists for the year from my IT teacher's I-Drive...I know what happens, hahaha...Yeah. Anyway...
Grammar/English Language:Okay, I'm not sure if you're familiar with the terms passive voice and linking verbs or not, but I'll outline the general concepts for you voice is the usage of a non-active verb, usually the linking verbs "is," "are," and "was," as the predicate of a sentence. Like there, "Passive voice IS." See. Sounds lame, especially when telling a story. "Her expression WAS wild." "It WAS her uncle's voice." "The voice WAS cruel, insinuating." "The last thing she heard WAS her mother's..." You get the idea. "The sky WAS blue." "The sun WAS bright." How about: "The sky shown blue in the sun's brilliant rays." Also, try not to use helping verbs so much: "The girl WAS woken;" "She WAS met;" "but the figure WAS a familiar one." Again, it just doesn't roll as well. Keep it active, keep the reader in the midst of the action. "The girl woke in the night to a terrible scream." "She met the maid at the entrance of her rooms." Pull us in; don't alienate us with bloated phrases and prolonged clauses.
Specifics:Para 2, sent 1: You have the maid gasping at the sight of THE slight figure in HER night-gown. You've got to make all your subjects and pronouns and everything else agree, or it sounds like you're introducing new characters. Also, the maid hastily forces Elina back in, but you've stuck so many things between the "entrance of her rooms" and the end of the sentence, it is unclear where she's going "back in" to. Add a few words at the end to clarify.
Para 4, sent 3: "...the moonlight through the open door..." M...The moon is inside the hall just outside the door, right? Perhaps have the moonlight slanting through, coming through, or even glaring through the open door, but do add a word in there, would you? Also, recognized has a 'z,' not an 's.'
Para 7, sent 1: It seems like more than one word should have struck her like a roundhouse blow. Perhaps the proclamation or the pronouncement did so?
Para 8, sent 4: "She barred the great door, and taking her daughter's hand, she began to run..." Okay, so, grammatically, you've broken this bit into three clauses, right? There should be only two: "She barred the great door," and "she began to run." The other part isn't really critical to the sentence, so you should be able to remove it seamlessly, but you can't, because you've broken them up wrong. The word "and" she be tacked onto the beginning of the second clause, with the non-essential elaboration breaking in immediately after. "She barred the great door, and, taking her daughter's hand, she began to run..." There. All better. Hope that made some sort of sense.
Para 9, sent 1: "They hadn't gone very far, when the heard the bolt splinter..." Again, you've broken the clauses up wrong. Here, you've only one independant clause, but you've divided it in half with an, uneccessary comma. See, it just doesn't, flow right.
Para 10, sent 1: It sounds like the queen is shoving them through the coals in the grate. Perhaps she shoves them into the darkness or something, but it might prove difficult to shove someone through a pile of coals. They tend to be solid like that...
Para 10, sent 3: "...saw of her mother was of..." You shouldn't need the second 'of.' Read it aloud to yourself with and without it, and go with whichever way sounds better. Also, lighting doesn't glint. Light does, but lighting doesn't. And even light doesn't glint darkly. It may glint sinisterly, or malevolently, but not darkly. It's light, after all.
Para 11, sent 1: "...fought free of her maid's grasp, and tore..." All right, next chapter's grammar lesson is on sentence structure...For now, just take my word that you don't need the comma there.
| Emerald Serpentt chapter 25 . 9/24/2006
It's way past my bedtime so I'll keep this short and sweet.
The beginning resembles Monstrous Regiment so much that I recognized the influence right off the bat. So maybe the resemblance is a little too much. Well, not the prologue I guess, the prologue is written in such a different tone that it's a bit jarring. (If it hadn't been for the summary I would have clicked away, because it reads like the standard lost heir setup with the brave and tragic sacrifice and everything.)
But from there on it only gets better. The story definitely segues into its own thing (rather than continue as a carbon copy of Monstrous Regiment), which is a *good* thing, because I actually enjoyed it more than Monstrous Regiment, I think. What I mean is, I like both immensely, but Regimental Blues and Monstrous Regiment seem to me to be, ultimately, telling rather different stories despite their similar trappings and such. And I prefer the story of Regimental Blues, I guess.
In fact, I enjoyed this so much I sped read through the entire thing all in one go, in a few hours.
And I really have to say - that must have been the most clever way to hide a birthmark, EVER.
And I'm really too tired to say anything more coherent, but basically, this story was great fun, and I'm glad I stumbled upon it. :D
| Drac-frst chapter 25 . 9/23/2006
_ I liked your story alot. And especially the fact that it wasn't put out over months or years. you didn't string out the release times for more reviews, you simply put your work out to be judged and liked (or not.. but in this case, definitely liked) by us loyal fic readers.
Oh, and I liked the way nobody ever stayed the same from the beginning. I don't think there was one person(main char.) left standing who didn't turn into or have been someone or something they weren't in the beginning. .. if that makes any sense to you at all. (i'm not sure my wording makes sense to *me*, but.. you get the idea, right?)
Anyway, great fic and keep on writting, so we fic-readers can keep reading! _
| Chuggur chapter 25 . 9/23/2006
First things first-I don't like vampire stories.
Secondly, great story. I must admit, I was a bit leery at first, and through most of the tale, but you kept me hooked, which is no easy task. Between my low expectations for fictionpress stories and my preconception of vampires as less-than-suitable story fodder, you've managed to earn my not-quite-grudging respect. You've still got some problems, mostly awkward dialogue, incoherrant passages, and a few such minor details, but you're really in a league far above most writers.
On that note, I'd like to beg a favor. I'm looking for feedback on my current primary project, The Sand Drake. I'd prefer informed feedback over senseless flames or lavish praise, and you seem to be savvy enough...would you mind taking a look?
I'm dying, at this point, to go through and point out all the mistakes I noted so you can fix them and come out of this with a wonderful manuscript, but I've got to go to my friend's dog's birthday party. I'll touch base with you later, okay?
| fire-breathing-kitten chapter 25 . 9/22/2006
It's OVER? I'm sad. This was a really and truly quality piece of writing. I loved it, I loved your writing, I loved your description, I loved the characters (some of the best I've seen in awhile), and, of course, I loved those plot twists!
(Oh, and also, just for the record, I LIKED the romance part and was bit disappointed that you never really followed up on it. Trust me, I've seen bad romance and that wasn't it.)
I hope to see your new story soon.
| meonlymejustme chapter 4 . 9/22/2006
Cool story. I liked Monstrous Regiment so I guess I'll like this too. I'll keep reading.
| lintong chapter 24 . 9/21/2006
absolutely lovely.i hate computers, and im glad you saved this chapter, i love the story.
| elenlinde chapter 24 . 9/21/2006
MICHELLE THE MINIATURE MUSE? I DEMAND ANOTHER PUBLIC APOLOGY. AND TO BE SHOT AGAIN, TEN TIMES MORE DRAMATICALLY!
you left me in suspense for AN ENTIRE YEAR over being shot, and all i get was a sentence saying that there was a bang, and i screamed. -.- even I missed out that sentence!
"the only resistance they had encountered in the past three days was when they had had to physically restrain Tiffany from operating on herself." i like that. haha.
i like elina-eric, especially when she's with jack-jacques. they make such an odd royal pair.
darn is it time to say goodbye already?