Reviews for Please No
lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/19/2009
I like your use of the parenthetical asides at the end of this poem because they really tastefully come across as that underlying secret for the reader, just that thing that no one acknowledges but everyone knows is there, and I think you successfully captured that feeling.

I also liked your imagery in this poem because you start off with such as great simile that you immediately kept me aware of more poetic technicalities. And I also liked how this came across as a narration, almost like a story of some sort, a moment that you took and kind of free versed into a very subtle story worth telling.

from the review marathon (link in profile)
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 7/9/2009
The parenthases were quite ingenious, for it showed us what was going on underneath the outward.

The poem itself was a little choppy, not flowing quite as well as it should. Maybe if you changed a few words and added something - not sure what, you might get a smooth result.

Altogether it was a great job.
Luna Turner chapter 1 . 1/30/2009
I liked the parentheses because it showed what was happening beneath

very effective

ahh the topic of deceit

so common

yet so unbreached.

I do believe

you breached it.

:)

~Luna Turner
half-sketched.staccatos chapter 1 . 1/25/2009
konnichi wa

Okay, I am seriously supposed to be doing schoolwork right now but I just cannot tear myself away from your page. :) So many lovely poems to read and review. We shall see how many I get through before my parents find out that behind this closed door, no homework is getting finished. *wink*

"the worlds slip from her / like her dress from her body"

This is me being nitpicky. [a] I think you meant "words," not "worlds" because the latter doesn't really make much sense. [b] The repetition of "her" makes it sound a bit - I don't know. Not awkward but just not as flow-y. I think just changing "like her dress" to "like the dress" would fix that right up, though.

I loved that imagery. Comparing the words to her dress not only helps bring picture to the words spoken but also to the scene going on in the poem. A double metaphor so to speak.

I like the "but he must not hear her" and the way that is written almost from her thoughts in a way - almost a denial of the fact that he does not care that she doesn't want this. My personal feeling when I read that line.

"too weak / to say it again" also gives more words to the scene already painted so vividly in the readers' minds. Too weak in more ways than one, only one of them being that she craves it as much as she fears it. She craves his approval, perhaps, or his love and thinks that if she agrees he will give her both... when in reality all that happens is that he is stripped of any respect he may have had for her.

Then again, if he ignores her pleas, he probably had little to no respect for her in the first place... a lot of which would be her fault because of her own lack of self-respect - as you mentioned in the following few lines.

I like how you return almost to correct what you said before: You started with "but he must not hear her," as if to delude the reader by feigning his innocence. Later, though, you return to say "and he pretends as though / he didn't hear her" to strip away any denial she may have had, any delusions she may have pretended to believe about his true intentions, his quote-on-quote "love" for her.

Painful ending - but so true. I loved the first half more than the second half, but that is not to speak against the second half. Only to praise the first. :P If that made any sense whatsoever.

Zaijen

-Shan-
LeilaniBlue chapter 1 . 1/18/2009
hey... that was really interesting... your a real poet... i only have two stories soo plz. no one has read them so plz r&r! plz
dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 9/22/2008
Congrats on winning the Review Marathon! Here is your second prize review!

I don't think I've ever said this in a review, but I like your lack of punctuation in this. It makes it seem like burst of thought during the action, instead of organized thought afterwards.

I also like the parentheses, because they add an interesting contrast to the poem that intensifies its meaning.
PoetryQueen chapter 1 . 8/13/2008
This is good, but kinda choppy. I think if you made this a little more wordy it would flow better. But, I know it is hard to make a poem flow when you are telling a story. I know from personal experience. Still, I liked the story line, and I could really feel the emotions thoughout this piece.
foreverandever chapter 1 . 8/4/2008
ah, i dont know much about poetry, but i do know that this is really good, i like it :)

i'll keep an eye out for your work xx
blue-dan chapter 1 . 7/21/2008
Very good. It makes my skin crawl (in a good way, if there is such a thing... I mean it just ressonates in a way that keeps you thinking even after you've read it.) Very vivid.
Mealine chapter 1 . 7/20/2008
That was good. Depressing, but good. I like depressing stuff, anyway.

Excellent job.
Pandakun84 chapter 1 . 6/11/2008
wow, this is really good. i saw it suggested on ur page. it took me longer to find it than to read it... it was like searching through my ipod library cause u have so many things posted. lol. _

anyway, very good job on this, i love it.
lymli chapter 1 . 6/3/2008
wow, some things cost a lot.
Satsumaimo chapter 1 . 5/27/2008
..THE CAKE IS A LIE!

sorry, felt like we needed some tension lifting..heh..

Well, this poem is really quite..depressing. It's a dark side of love. People yearn for it so much they give up far too much to recieve some false sense of BEING loved..It happens to the best of us.
SnackySnackSnackSnackSnack chapter 1 . 2/1/2008
Okay actually, this is my favorite now. xD I just love it.
purple x pen chapter 1 . 1/27/2008
very well written ] beautiful
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