Reviews for Idle Doll
Justin Carlton chapter 3 . 11/2/2005
This is really, really good. I'd been waiting for you to put up the next part, and my expectations have been met. This is very well written, although you need to go back and proofread for spelling and grammatical errors. I can't wait for part four!
Le-Fey chapter 2 . 10/12/2005
Og my goodness! This story is soo good. It's really creepy, sending chills down my spine. I like it a lot!

~Morgana
Justin Carlton chapter 2 . 10/11/2005
I like this - it is excellent, and you have me hooked! I especially like the doll's repetition of the phrase 'your screws are coming undone'. I'm sure you have a great ending in mind - don't be afraid to give it a dark ending; sometimes it's better to leave off on a sad note! Keep writing.
Moppish chapter 1 . 9/19/2005
The description of this story caught my eye. It reminded me of that one twilight zone episode. Let's see where it goes. I must warn you, I am very thorough.

Nice intro.

"Annie practically screamed in excitement. “Isn’t she cool?” "Question: Would a five year old really say "cool"? Or would she say "pretty" which would set up the next comment of how she had no concept of cute.

"The eyes had a vacant look; they were all white and void of any life. The eyes had a very blind look." I really like the first description. But then you say basically the exact same thing again in the second sentence. The second sentence doesn't need to be there, at all.

"Annie’s mother almost seemed mesmerized by its vacant expression. She spaced out for a few seconds. She quickly gained consciousness and set the doll on the table." The first sentence is a nice idea. The second, you could do better on the word choice, and the third one's word choice doesn't work. "gained consciousness" would mean that she was unconscious the moment before, but she wasn't, she was just distracted or "spaced out".

"She suddenly seamed tired. Within seconds, she quickly drifted into a deep sleep on the couch." Creepy!

"By now Annie’s mom is awake again but has decided to just ignore the doll and its empty eyes." Verb tense chance (I do the same thing sometimes). Change "Is" to "was" and "has" to "had". It'll make way more sense.

" “Oh, hi honey,” she greeted the figure." The word "greeted" as a speaking verb didn't quite work for me here. Maybe try something else or rephrase it.

Aha! I was wondering if the girl had an older brother, which might be the reason for her saying "cool".

"Curt is quit easily..." watch out for verb tense switching back and forth in this paragraph. You do it several times.

"he just seemed like a giant monolith to her in the past two years when he reached his current height." I really didn't understand what you were trying to say in that sentence. Partly because I dunno what you mean by "monolith" and "reached" is something you can only do at one point, not in two years. "Reaching" can be over a period of time.

"After opened ..." I think you mean "opening"."After throwing the smashed up plastic bottle..." The sentence before this started the same way. It's a nice sentence structure but bad to use it more than once in a row.

"The doll seemed to have power over him; however, it isn’t the..." wasn't, not isn't. " Its dead eyes caught his and in that moment, he seemed to see something in its cold face." This is cool, only thing is you just said that "something caught his eye". So either get rid of the first time you say that or rephrase this.

"Curt’s room is down..." Verb tense changing!"He couldn’t focus on his work tonight." say That night, rather than tonight."The images of a little girl with white eyes and bloody cavernous wounds on her face kept popping up for reasons unexplained by Curt himself." oh nice gorey description. The end of the phrase would probably work better if you said " for reasons he couldn't explain."

"...he seemed tired at this point." He seemed tired or he was tired? (get rid of the "at this point")"That image just wasted two hours of his time." Heh, okay, math quiz. A two hour assignment took him three hours. Three hours total minus two usual hours equals... Two wasted hours?

Yeah, okay, I'm gonna stop bugging you about verb tense and just say, it is a reoccuring problem in this story. Read over your story and see if you can fix as much of it as you can.

"Annie would look up to Curt in these moments and question him if ‘daddy was going to kill mommy.’ " Very powerful idea. I think you can make it even more powerful though.

"Seconds later, Don asked Curt about the decrepit doll sitting at the middle of the table. “Hey Curt, what is that doll doing here? Where did it come from?” " Repitition. Cut either the first or second half.

"After doing so, however, he quickly wished he hadn’t..." Ultra creepy about the bones and skulls! Not a pretty thing to wake up to. Suggestion: To make it even more creepy, describe the bones and skulls more. Are they dirty? Are they old? Do they still have flesh clinging to them? ..."Not only were there bones but there was also still flesh rotting off the bones." Aha. That's what I'm talking about. Completely disgustingly wonderful.

"There was something else in his bed." Despite the fact that this is such a simple sentence, it was all you needed to put an image in my mind. Great paragraph here. "He jumped back and tripped over somebody’s pelvis upon sight of the being in his bed." Hah, nice.

"she vanished in a quick blast." Blast of...? Light? Dust?

"The walls were normal and there wasn’t a sight of decay anywhere in the room. Not even a dead bug." I like this bit.

Screws... hmm... I have no idea where you are going with this. Which is good. I know it's to do with the doll but I dunno what the doll is going to do. Thats a good thing."...Control your life, I will.” "I like the way you phrase this. It reminds me of Gollum.

" “Under my power, you will be.” " What now? Will be returned? If that's the case and the doll is being cryptic, seems to me that Curt would ask the doll what it means.

The whole sequence with the doll and Curt talking is very good. It runs smoothly and the dialogue fits the characters very easily. Interesting ending to the first chapter. I was hoping for a tad more of a cliff hanger, like having the doll say the last word, or something.

Overall, this is a good idea for a story line (It's been done before, but this has some originality to it) it just has some grammar issues and so forth. At the moment, the whole thing about the father and the mother fighting really seems to have nothing to do with the plot line. If it does, I would be more subtle about it. Introduce lines of dialogue that suggest a bad relationship between the two rather than explaining everything for us. I like all the scary ideas you're coming up with here.

As Curt is the main character, it would make sense for you to introduce him nearer the beginning. Maybe have him walking down the sidewalk and see his sister playing with the ball and then run into the bushes. Then have him go into the house and switch to the little girl's story line and go from there. It's just a little awkward because we think that the little girl is the main character, but then she's not, then we think the mom is, but then she's not, and we think the brother is a secondary character, but he ends up being the protagonists. So that could be cleared up.

I've commented on a lot of things here. They are just suggestions in order to make your piece better so that a reader can focus on the larger ideas of the story and not be distracted by the little things. Use any or all of my suggestions as you wish. I look forward to the next chapter. Keep writing.
miss understanding chapter 1 . 9/19/2005
Can't trust those evil dolls. I like this story. It's been a while since I've read a story on the horror section (I like to move around) and you're my first in quite a while (well, two days). I really like it! It reminds me of a story I read not too long ago, but I forget the title. So funny. I liked it when she was in her back yard singing the la la la song. Someone needs to die, though. I look forward to the next chapter. Ciao for now and chowder for later. Toodles! ~Choco
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