Reviews for Of Tears And Broken Hearts
Gaby chapter 16 . 10/2/2012
i hope.. you kind of still check this once in a while.. but i was..soo dissapointed when i got to the 16th chapter.. or whatnot.. can you pleaseee try to finish itt? i know you said you wouldn't.. but.. this actually gave me hope in a way._. it was, well pardon, it is an amazing story. i wanted to find out what happens..or how it ends.
H. Earthserpent chapter 16 . 1/6/2012
update update update.
H. Earthserpent chapter 15 . 4/3/2011
more more more more! please. :)
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 7 . 11/13/2010
See if you can break up the second paragraph after the eye-bleed worthy italics part. :P The paragraph is rather large and visually would be more pleasing if you broke it up a bit.

Lei sighed, "Figures…"

-Edit: Change the comma to a period.

You use the brunette description eleven times in this chapter. Please, I beg you, start using the character’s names instead of the hair colour gender description thing. PLEASE!

Love,

Liana
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 6 . 11/13/2010
"Hey. I'm Julia Aimes." Julia offered her hand out immediately and hoped to herself that the brunette would take it.

-Another ten cents.

"Really nice to meet you," Julia was gratefully relieved when the other girl took her proffered hand in a friendly handshake.

-Edit: Change the comma within the dialogue to a period.

Maybe the rumors that this brunette was a bitch weren't true after all.

-Mo money for me.

...the redhead said as she made casual conversation.

-Please, start using names. Please, pretty please with a cherry on freakin’ top.

"About me being a lesbian is absolutely, undoubtedly true," the brunette cut off and announced a little louder for most of the people around the crowded hall to hear.

-Again. Using a name read so much more smoothly than what you’re doing.

The blonde opened her eyes upon hearing her name and immediately saw Diane approaching her.

-You know what I’m going to say. :P
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 5 . 11/13/2010
These flashbacks are tiring and don’t feel entirely necessary to me.

Finally exhausted, the blonde girl decided to lie down and rest on the luscious grass.

-Edit: Just stick to names. Like, this is actually infuriating.

"You can sleep there again," the brunette smiled at her friend

-Edit: Change the comma within the dialogue to a period and change “the” to “The”. Also, again with the names! D:

"Hmm…?" she didn't waver from her gaze at the clear blue sky, even upon hearing the blonde girl call out her name.

-Edit: Change “she” to “She”. Names, freakin’ again.

Now, Leila looked at the blonde girl's face.

-Again.

"They always come back. I don't know when but I'm sure they will. That's what they do when we live at different places all the time," The brunette grinned and looked at Kristen's face with open sincerity.

-Edit: Change the comma at the end of the dialogue to a period. If I had ten cents for every time you do the hair colour gender description...

"Yes," the smile on Leila's face suddenly dissolved and a serious expression took over.

-Edit: Change the comma to a period and change “the smile” to “The smile”.

Kristen stared at the same word in the book she had been trying to read for the past 15 minutes.

-Personal: Change 15 to “fifteen”.

And to be perfectly honest with herself, she knew that there was no point trying anymore.

-Personal: Remove “with herself”.

When she gazed at the brunette's eyes, she felt as if she was being taken to an enchanted realm, yet somehow, no matter how much rationalizing her mind did, her soul still felt the gossamer thread that bound her to this place.

-Personal: Change “gazed at” to “gazed into”. (Ten cents).

She didn't know the brunette's attitude or how the other girl would react to what she was about to do, but she really wanted to get her in the group.

-Another ten cents. :P
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 4 . 11/13/2010
I gotta say, I’m not a huge fan of this italics business. I know it’s flashback time, but the italics just kill my eyes. D: Used briefly they’re fine, but you write like, close to a thousand words with it. Not good.

She had been undoubtedly surprised to find another being standing next to her.

-Personal: “being” reads too detached here. Why not just “person”?

"I'm Leila," she said, looking expectantly at the blonde girl who by now had stopped sobbing and just looked at her with an unknown expression.

-Edit: Remove “blonde” since we already know she’s blonde.

"Huh?" Leila's eyebrows scrunched up in confusion. "So, you have a pet monkey then? You know...that died."

-Personal: Toss a comma after “monkey”.

The blonde girl giggled at Leila's outrageous innocence. Leila couldn't help but giggle along with her.

-Enough with the freakin’ hair gender description instead of using the character’s name! Just use the name, please! It reads so much better! T_T

Kristen sniffled. Leila placed her hands once more on the blonde's back, but now, instead of patting, she was rubbing it.

-Same as above.

"And I'm Lei," she held out her hand. "Nice meeting you Diane."

-Edit: Comma after “you”.

The girl with dark brown hair looked at the exasperatingly chirpy look on Diane's face and once again, sighed inwardly.

-Who? Just use names, please! Please, I beg you.

She doubt there ever was a time that the combination of her and math ever became anything other than boring.

-Edit: Change “doubt” to “doubted”.

Thank you for your opinion, Ms. Carlson," he gave Lei a pleasant yet very obviously I-know-you-were-on-your-own-world look and smiled.

-Edit: Change the comma within the dialogue to a period and change “he gave” to “He gave”.
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 3 . 11/13/2010
It was very obvious that the celebration was made with the most precise details, careful arrangements, meticulous planning…and of course, heaps of money.

-Personal: Remove “very” since “obvious” is strong enough on its own.

"No dad. It's okay."

-Edit: Toss a comma after “No”.

"No really dad, it's okay. Thank you."

-Edit: Toss a comma after “really”.

"I know that, dad, and I can't be any happier," She looked at her father's face, now showing the early signs of maturity in his tender, senior age.

-Edit: Change the comma after “happier” to a period since “She looked...” isn’t a dialogue tag.

I know you Lei, and I love you.

-Edit: Comma after the first “you” I believe.

You always bugged your mom and I about going back to this place that you apparently held dear to you. But everything was still very complicated back then that as much as we wanted to grant your wish, we just can't,"

-Edit: “you apparently held dear to you” is redundant. Remove the “to you”. And should that be “held dearly” instead? Also, tense switch-up alert. Change “can’t” to “couldn’t”.

"But I grew out of it," Finally, she regained the use of her voice as she stated those simple words.

-Edit: Change the comma within the dialogue to a period.

"Yes, you did. But I doubt you ever really forgot. All the memories are still etched inside of you," He paused, but spoke once more.

-Edit: Change the comma within the dialogue to a period.

"I love you dad. I love you and mom both.”

-Edit: Comma after the first “you”.

"No, silly! It's the school's doing. I just helped organize," Kristen was kind of disturbed at the overly beaming face of her friend. "So, what do you think?"

-Edit: Change the comma within the dialogue to a period.

At the same time, Kristen swore she saw all heads turn to watch the very same spectacle that her friend was so entranced at.

-Edit: I believe “at” should be “by”.

Her bag hung to her shoulder in a simple yet still quite endearing manner.

-Edit: Hung to or hung “from”?
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 2 . 11/13/2010
"Daddy just told me today! I also didn't know. When he told me, I was angry and I cried because I don't want to go," the dark-haired girl about 8 years of age burst out, as she flung herself to her friend in a tight embrace.

-Personal: This reads too stiffly for my taste. The dialogue just doesn’t flow well. Perhaps revising the third sentence to read, “I was really angry when he told me. I even starting crying. I really don’t want to go” might work better.

-Edit: Change the comma at the end of the dialogue to a period, change “the dark-haired girl” to “The dark-haired girl” and change “8” to “eight”.

The blonde girl in pigtails hugged her friend back as if she held on to her dear life.

-Edit: This description is too obvious. Why not say “Kristen” since you already told us her name, and then describe some sort of action. Maybe Kristen flicks one of her pigtails over her shoulder and the narrator. Not my best example but I’m on a time constraint and somewhat exhausted right now so forgive me. Just try to smooth out this description if you can.

"Are you coming back here? Even just to visit?" Kristen asked in between sobs as soon as the tears started subsiding.

-Personal: Remove “here”.

-Edit: Remove the “in” before “between” because it’s redundant.

The dark-haired girl looked at the tear-streaked face of her friend and timidly shrugged.

-Personal: Give us her name or use a different description. This is the second time in a short period of time you’ve used that description. It’s obvious and jarring.

The dark-haired girl watched as her blonde friend looked down and tried to hide her sparkling green eyes.

-Personal: Same comment as above. Also, though, we know “her blonde friend” is Kristen so just say “Kristen”.

But I'm going to write to you. I promise Kristen!

-Edit: Toss a comma after “promise”.

She was aware of the truth that she was different and the mere fact that she had lived the rest of her life being brought up that way only served to cement such thinking in her head.

-Personal: You need some commas in this sentence to let the reader know when one stream is merging with another. I would toss a comma after “different” and “way”.

She was no average 18-year old girl and the rest of the world would agree without a doubt.

-Personal: Change “18” to “eighteen”.

Oh how I love irony!

-Edit: Comma after “Oh”.

"Going way over the top?" Diane cut her friend before she heard another insane remark,

-Edit: I believe you want to toss “off” either after “cut” or “friend”.

"Of course it's going to go way over the top girl!

-Edit: Comma after “top”.

I mean, you do know who Lei C-C is right?

-Edit: Comma after “is”.

Kristen laughed aloud as she heard her frantic friend's babble

-Personal: Remove “aloud”,

Cut that crap right now girl and see some sense in what I'm saying.

-Edit: Comma after “now” and “girl”.

"Oh, don't be silly Kristen!

-Edit: Comma after “silly”.

Kristen knew that no matter how much she tried, people like Diane will never really understand the Goth's side.

-Edit: Change “will” to “would”.

She knew Diane was a good person but her friend can have a one-track mind most of the times.

-Edit: This doesn’t really make sense. First, change “can” to “could” then decide if you want “can have...most of the time” or “had...most of the time.” Personally, the second one makes the most sense to me. Also, change “times” to “time”.

Another sigh escaped from Kristen.

-Personal: Change this to “Kristen sighed again.” Less obnoxious. Clear and concise.

High school will always be high school.

-Edit: Change “will” to “would”. You’re changing tenses. Keep an eye on that.

Diane replied in sarcasm, mimicking her friend's earlier argument.

-Personal: SO not necessary. You’re insulting the reader’s intelligence but pointing out something that was already blatantly obvious.

At this, Kristen couldn't help but laugh aloud.

-Personal: Enough with the laughing aloud. How about just laughing? When you laugh, isn’t it automatically verbal?
thebelltower chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
I'm sorry but I can no longer review this story - my school is blocking your story soon for its content and I cannot get through to review it :(

if you want me to review something else, I'll be glad to.

again, my apologies,

thebeltower
thebelltower chapter 3 . 11/6/2010
this is so heartwrenching. I love it so far.
thebelltower chapter 2 . 11/6/2010
I really like the way you opened up this chapter and the story in total. The reminicing of the past was quite interesting and was a fresh change. but remember to differenciate between the current time and the past, as this could get confusing after a while.
Jan Vincent chapter 12 . 7/12/2009
Wow, what an amazing story and this chapter is really one of the best. It's a shame you discontinued this story. I love your writing style and I find it has a few similarities with mine own. I am always looking for good femslah stories involving strong female characters. After reading this chapter you just became one of my favorite authors. Keep up the good work.
alice chapter 16 . 7/11/2009
AH

I STAYED UP TILL 3 AM TRYING TO FINISH THIS STORY T.T

it's really amazing tho i love the characters and the complexity of the plot

THANK YOU FOR THE GOOD READ
Lounalune chapter 15 . 9/27/2008
I like this story. The characters are interesting, and I've got no clue how it is going to end. Keep on writing!
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