Reviews for The Shadows Cometh, Part I
MaranweTelrunya chapter 25 . 10/22/2010
I need to start reading this again from the beginning. I'm so lost with this chapter. It's been too long!
Zeno21 chapter 24 . 12/20/2009
Cant get enough of this story. Waiting for update, and really looking forward to how it pans out. Please keep going.
Alexilaihorox chapter 1 . 11/12/2009
That was awesome. Now i'm gonna go read the rest!
Aiden Paine chapter 1 . 1/2/2009
I dont know if you read these anymore. but this story has amazing description. great job!
Jenny Rocker chapter 3 . 11/22/2008
It's good to see some action! Nicely paced. Excitement, peril. Really good. And poor Quen. You even make your minor chacters that die within the same chapter they are introduced likeable.

"But through the bloody mess, his blank white eyes stared straight up at the stars, the planets he might have longed to visit some day."-great sentence

Careful of your use of the word "massive". In this chapter, you used it like a million times. It becomes redundant after a while. Pick a different word. Or take it out completely in certain places. For example:

"Wings exploded from the creature’s back in a flourish – massive wings, easily the width of the library. They brushed the ceiling as the monster continued to grow.

A demon – a creature of the underworld –

It was massive."

That's 2 "massive"s in a few sentences. That last sentence: "It was massive"-I'd take it out completely. Is it really necessary?

Lastly, while I liked the pacing of the chapter, I was a little thrown by the formatting when the going gets good. What's with all the broken sentences? Sentences ending or beginning with dashes and such. Is there a reason for this? I found it a little choppy. And again, I just wondered: why? Some examples:

1. "For an eternal moment, she was flying through the air, the blazing room a mere blur of heat around her –

– and then she slammed into a heavy bookshelf. The force with which she hit was enough to topple the shelf to the floor, scattering scrolls and manuscripts everywhere."

I don't see why this is necessary. Why can't it be: "the blazing room a mere blur of heat around her, [comma] and then she was slammed into a heavy bookshelf." OR, if you really want that choppy paragraph change, why no period after after "her"?

2. "Quen crumpled into a quivering pile on the carpet. Despite her inability to breathe, she staggered to her feet, fear and adrenaline the motivation that kept her moving, because she certainly wasn’t controlling her limbs voluntarily –

She had severely broken her arm in the fall, but she couldn’t feel the pain yet. The jagged bone was thrust out of her shoulder, and she could feel sticky wetness flooding down her arm, but couldn’t bring herself to be concerned with the injury –

The flames were greedily eating up the magnificent red carpeting of the library, even finding purchase on the stone floor."

Why all these breaks and dashes? Is this necessary? Personaly, I think it would read smoother as:

"Quen crumpled into a quivering pile on the carpet. Despite her inability to breathe, she staggered to her feet, fear and adrenaline the motivation that kept her moving, because she certainly wasn’t controlling her limbs voluntarily. [Period, new sentence] She had severely broken her arm in the fall, but she couldn’t feel the pain yet. The jagged bone was thrust out of her shoulder, and she could feel sticky wetness flooding down her arm, but couldn’t bring herself to be concerned with the injury. [Period]

The flames were greedily eating up the magnificent red carpeting of the library, even finding purchase on the stone floor."

Obviously, this is personal preference and I understand that the dashes are stylistic. I just found it very choppy. And inconsistent. Sometimes after a paragraph ending with a dash, you start a fresh new sentence. Sometimes you start a sentence with a dash and lowercase letter. Maybe it's just me. I guess I just didn't really get it.

But it was still a good chapter, and the action was well written.
Jenny Rocker chapter 2 . 11/16/2008
"Sheba had been mother and mommy"-aren't these the same thing? Based on the context of the paragraph, are you trying to say that Sheba had to act as both "father and mother" in Adam's absence?

"But in devoting a year of his life to something other than his family, he felt almost guilty"-Adam has a penchant for guilt, huh?

"The sky was beginning to pink, as though a massive dagger had bled the sun, spilling its brilliant life’s blood across the heavens"-This line in absolutely beautiful.

"And all of a sudden, Adam didn’t feel so guilty"-well, I'm glad!

"Adam, yours is not a tactical mind, my brother."-this was funny.

"And I’m Cyrannus won’t want panic"-is there a word missing here? Maybe "I'm SURE Cyrannus[...]"?

This line from Draw was the sweetest, saddest thing ever: “I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of not having any friends.” Aw!

You write people really well. And not just people, but more specifically, you write interactions between people-their relationships-really well.
Jenny Rocker chapter 1 . 11/16/2008
You're definitely a talented writer. From the very opening, you've done a great job at describing the whole scene of the festival, from preparation to the silence afterwards. A nice, clean-cut narrative. Descriptive where it needs to be, but also clear and concise.

I will say that for most of the beginning of the chapter, I wasn't immediately ATTACHED to what was happening-we open to a celebration AFTER a war we haven't seen-but by the end of the chapter you've got me with your characters. The conversation between Adam and his wife really breaths both to life and the very end of the chapter is sweet.

Little typo: "He could remembered"-I'm thinking no "ed" on "remember"...

Other than that, nicely done. Will definitely read more.
Navaura chapter 7 . 10/15/2008
Blood and Guts everywhere. I feel bad that Drew lost his father. Had his father been able to teach him the sword really well, before he passed on? I love the fact that his father helped him out with the demon. I thought that was saigi, but obviously not. I have this inexplicable feeling that Drew is going to die. I keep thinking that the only one who will make it out alive is Seigi, but I know that he has a stance beside seigi. I think Drew's down fall is that he's afraid. His fear causes him to stumble and be discouraged. It's sad. Anyway, blood and guts everywhere, that's a good chapter.
Navaura chapter 6 . 10/15/2008
Hi, my third review here, this time for chapters five and six. This story is awesome! I'm really feeling it and I understand the subliminal message ever so well. The ambiguous meaning. What I didn't comment on in chapter four was the fact that Quen, the scholar is like so many of us. We thrust our noses into so much of this world, that we forget to watch and guard our post. We forget that we have a job to do, and the job doesn't consist of what may be enthralling to the individual.
Navaura chapter 3 . 10/15/2008
I just had to comment on this chapter. Just one word though,

WOW!
Navaura chapter 2 . 10/15/2008
aww, this chapter is so heartwarming and beautiful. I love Seigi-How do you pronounce his name? I love seigi and his father adam's relationship. It's beautiful and then Seigi's bestfriend Drew is a true worrior with passion. He's going to make a fine worrior. Seigi's the wise one. He's extremely intelligent beyond his years. I love them, they're well rounded characters. Everything is so vivid in this chapter. What they felt, I felt, what they experienced, I experienced. I thank God that I have come across your novel. I haven't read a novel that warms the spirit and is beautifully written as yours in quite a while. I do believe you are one of the most blessed writers on this site. If you ever publish anything in a real novel, I'll buy it, no matter what Genre it is.

Thanks,

Navaura
DigitalScripter chapter 6 . 9/17/2008
Very good once again. It's good to see Seigi and the crew continuing onwards, the horse bit with them being killed as little graphic but good. It was another great work. I try my best to not advertise me own story in reviews I post but I do want to let you know I've wrapped up Corago: Volume II.

Talk to you later.
Navaura chapter 1 . 9/11/2008
I have to tell you again, your writing is superb. It's awesome. I love the opening in this story. It captured the villagers' lives very well and it gives you detail of who the people are. There's only one thing I recommend you change. The initimate scene starts out good, very serious, and then it changes to playful. I think it's weird that a husband would tickle his wife in bed, when they're trying to be serious. It doesn't match the mood.
DigitalScripter chapter 5 . 9/11/2008
It's unfortunent this story doesn't have more readers. There's nothing wrong with it and your writing is superb. It's interesting to see Seigi develop more. He's an interesting characters, to add on it was nice to see how he's expected or thinks of Drew's family as his own. Well done.
DigitalScripter chapter 4 . 8/15/2008
Like I said in my previous review you can write, and write pretty damn good. Excellent chapter, very enjoyable.
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