|Reviews for Or Be Broken|
| no.peace.los.angeles chapter 1 . 2/20/2007
Wow. I know I'm reviewing this quite awhile after the fact, but still. Never hurts to get feedback. :) The last stanza kinda kills me, just a little bit. It's hard to read. I guess I'm confused as to who's who in this - it's not entirely clear to me from the beginning, and then the end just confuses me more. But maybe that's just me and I need to pay attention. Hmm. I guess. Anyway, I'm sure you know this story better than anyone else, so I'll just leave it at I liked it, without leaving any real criticism, because I don't know what to say. Keep writing! :)
| NoSpace chapter 1 . 3/27/2006
Hey, I love it like always, yada yada yada. Yet again I decided to fall off of the face of the planet. If I told you where I've been, you wouldnt even believe it. In any case, I have an apple now so Im not compat. with Fictionpress.. but here's something to tide you over. Now your gone, and there's nothing left to say. you took your chance to be brave and ran away. But I'll miss you like there's no tomorrow, because I never know what will happen today. we were never good at goodbye, because we knew we never meant them. Now your on your own to fly. I'd hope to say we'd never die. From beauty to ashes, our heart is dust spread amongst the vastness we built for us. We'll live out our moment and say that we tried. But know that our love will never die. RIP Brandee Bernardoni
| Tyndall Blue chapter 1 . 2/17/2006
in the beginning i would swap the second an third lines so it doesn't start off sounding like it is going to rhyme
| Jezsh chapter 1 . 1/19/2006
well, I don't think you need to change anything. I think the beginning is perhaps the weakest, maybe because it doesn't contain much imagery like the other verses do. I was captivated (really drawn in) by 'your cool vanilla hair', and 'like red-hoot feet dancing on my chest'. I think what makes it good is its awkwardness but determination to express, its raw emotion.
| Fabian Cortez chapter 1 . 10/18/2005
This really is actually pretty good as it is. I can if you want take a look and beta the beginning for you, as this bit could be perhaps reworked slightly. If not then my advice would be something like this;
To know you were once mineYet are no moreTo witness your returnOn your Wedding nightSeeing his hand In yoursEats into my soulSo I wonderIf I should breatheA moment longer,Yet I know I must,I walk the block So lay on coolestDew soaked lawnThe blanket sky, at leastA moment comforted meYet on my returnI vomited my heartTo coldest ice enoughTo survive beingUnable to findYou.
This is as I say just a suggestion. Your poem really does hold power in itself.
VERY WELL DONE!