Reviews for Passions
Elizabeth Bilberry chapter 1 . 1/2/2006
Beautiful imagery and emotions. The format really gave this depth, too. I really like how you ended it; you make it seem like it was all a daydream or somthing of that sort.

EB
jaime chapter 1 . 11/20/2005
Wow, so passionate and enigmatic! And the description is amazing. It's dark yet had lost hope hidden in it's depths and leaves me wondering what will happen. very good job

ja ne!
Plinky chapter 1 . 10/30/2005
Nice beginning, I like it.

"She watched with hatredforstorms pouring from her eyes" beautiful sentence. I love your writing style.

"Beauty destroyed" such a simple sentence but so beautiful and it really captures the moment.

"Ohsodamntypical, why does everything (to h e r) happen again&again&again" great sentence, really effective formatting - it makes it so original and really gives your story(?) a voice.

"Waving like a young beauty/evil just wasted" Made me smile, and I'm not sure why! It's one of those things that you think about - there are several different levels of meaning.

Nice introduction of the god "And above the wreckage, the god laughed" - gives a hint and makes the reader want more.

"If the child was a boy, she would ride the world again. If not he would crush her." Nice phrase - I like the- "She would ride the world again". Great use of repetition as well - you really get an impression of that thought going around and around in her mind.

"Tasted blunt and bland, the sort of taste that is meant to be enjoyed but is stifled by emotions" SO true - emotions cloud everything - you can't experience anything without emotions. Made me smile, I've never thought about it before.

"Hope-someoneisstillalive" nice phrase - you can read it in two ways, either as hope that someone is still alive, or hope - (then her thought-) someone is still alive.

"The seas boiled at her feet" you manage to keep up the tension all the way through, and everything seems to return to the sea, which gives it a nice rhythm.

"Higher / ..." this is my favourite sentence in the whole thing! ;-) I love it - it really looks like something getting higher and higher. I really really liked that.

I like how her hope persists - "perhaps everyone loved her beyond the horizon" nice irony though - you can never reach the horizon, so it's a kind of desperate/pointless hoping.

NIce description of the nails - "fresh with blood and chipped limestone"

"Late fruit of the tree, a breath away from withering." nice metaphor - really emphasises her fragility.

"Raises one mere eyebrow as he saves the rest of the world" I like that. I don't know why.

"She was too human." lovely description, really beautiful.

"She loved (soverymuch) and she broke her own heart so many times" lovely insight into her character. I can't work out why, but her character isn't actually particularly important in this - usually it is. Hmm...

"And now" nice in-between.

"Cr a ck" lovely onomatopaeia.

"Crash,smash,killmeplease" lovely rhythm and wording.

"Harder&harder&ashardasshecould" lovely sentence. very expressive.

"He-was-furious" very well expressed as well.

Everything returns to the sea ;-D

"and then &then & then" nice sentence.

Lovely ending - I like it, it gives your piece of writing a whole different feel.

Lovely piece of writing, sorry the review was so long, but I wanted to give you my thoughts! Thanks for your review btw. great stuff - keep writing!
Gilee7 chapter 1 . 10/30/2005
First off, thanks for the reviews.

I read the author's note and then I clicked the back button. At first I wasn't going to read it. Then for some odd reason I clicked on the reviews, skimmed over LPC's, and decided to give this piece a chance.

-She was crushed against the rocks and the winds tore away her jewles,her crown- *jewels

-ohsodamntypical- These word bunches occur enough in the story(?) to make me feel as if they were done on purpose. So I don't know.

Like every sentence is bunched together and stuff, and I found that distracting. The bunched up words were distracting at times, too. This piece does have that daydream like feel to it; it's crazy and weird. The piece feels rather artistic, though, with the layout and use of bold words and whatnot. And there is some very good imagery in this as well.

And the ending made me laugh.
Eventide Rose chapter 1 . 10/29/2005
Not quite sure that I understood everything, but I guess that was the point, ne? I loved it though, it was intriguing to visualize the entire thing. I like the line "She was made of cruel passions,she could shine,kill,twist the world to her yet she had compassion too,she loved (soverymuch) and she broke her own heart so many times." Oh, and many thanks for reviewing my poems! Thank you!
Ang-Dev chapter 1 . 10/29/2005
this is ok. the bit where it says 'killmeplease' is awesome and her emotions r captured well. i like the end bit about the bell ringing. cool, ang
The Proxy Ninja chapter 1 . 10/28/2005
I like how it started -right in the middle- with the usage of “and”. That’s unconventional, but it works! So, the image set up is her clawing at the sands of the shore until the tide drags her into the ocean, but since the ocean is blue, it seems like she’s tumbling through the sky? Rocks and winds, hm… I like this, “hatredforstorms”. I’m trying to understand the imagery of “hungry water droplets forming and breaking”. Is it meant to be abstract? Or is she really crying, and somehow the tears are mingling or turning into bubbles?

[she gasped a great gasping breath that emptied her lungs of their vapour] This has a real sensory quality to it. It’s lovely!

[ohsodamntypical,why does everything (to h e r) happen again&again&again.] Great format- in terms of the actual content, though- is this about the pain of Love and relationships or something else?

[Her hair was plastered to the side of her face,wet,black,enticing.] Great description, “wet, black, enticing”. But I imagine the hair going down both sides of her face, so maybe it would be *“sides of her face” instead of “side”?

[The sky was pouring all its hate and displeasure down onto her,] This really feels vehement, like really hard rain. I love it.

[And above her wreckage,the god laughed.] Cruel god he is!

[Now,overgrown spears were sweeping elegantly down to land upon the hills of the fresh valley she cried over] I love this image. War, anger, hate tearing up a beautiful valley. Though I would omit, “to land” because I like how the sentence says, “Now, overgrown spears were sweeping elegantly down upon the hills of the fresh valley.” And, with further optional editing, I would take out “of the fresh” and write, “of a fresh” and omit “she cried over”, so it has a metaphoric feel to it: “Now, overgrown spears were sweeping elegantly upon the hills of a fresh valley.” Isolating the image makes it more powerful, I think. Especially following this line: “Liquid began to pour from her perfection as the spears dug in” It makes -her- seem like the fresh valley, and not just a place she would mourn.

[Tasted blunt and bland,the sort of taste that is meant to be enjoyed but is stifled by emotions.] I think of the taste of blood and metal. Or milk, for some reason.

[Bats were sweeping in through small holes in the clear blue haze of sky that (to her) were a symbol of hope-someoneisstillalive.] What I like about this is the strange analogy. People usually don’t associate bats with a sign of life, (and for more scientific reasons, they don’t usually flutter out in the day time because they are nocturnal, so then the “clear blue haze of sky” makes it sound like an extra rare occurrence, like millions of bats swarming in the daytime and entering the nostrils of mother earth). [They circled round her face as mist decended and the seas boiled at her feet.] *descended. This is totally cinematic. Lovely!

[Her nails were beautiful-long,fresh with blood and chipped limestone.] Great, painful image. And I could imagine her teeth were gashed in from clambering up those rocks and falling against them over and over again. LOL! But that kind of imagery is a little too gruesome.

[She was wavering in the ,the god stared down on her.I am,she me hide a passion when passions have caught .Late fruit of the tree,a breath away from wonders what she means and he raises one mere eyebrow as he saves the rest of the world-] I . Am. In love with this little section! It’s loaded! When I think of “I am”, I think of Jesus Christ, and what he said to the men of the Tribunal Counsel when they asked him who he was. “I am who I am” “I am”. And, I think of the movie, Last Temptation where Jesus is dying on the Cross, and he thinks of what it would have been like to have children with Mary Magdalene with the line, “Bid my hide a passion when passions have caught me.” “Late fruit of the tree” reminds me of the fruit of Adam and Eve, the source of Passion, and our sexual nature is the soul of our vigor, “A breath away from withering.” Passion really -does- keep us from withering or becoming sterile mentally. And the last line, “He wonder what she means and raises one mere eyebrows as he saves the rest of the world.” Stephen King wrote a line about how Jesus was dying, and how suffering is inescapable. Humankind ask, “How could you do this? Why? People are suffering, Lord” and God responds in kind, “I don’t care”. And the rest of the world is spared the wrath except one lone man who suffers for them all. I don’t know, there’s my strange commentary. Lmao. Whether or not that is what this section means (and I’d rather like to know in an e-mail what it -does- mean), I love its literary epic quality, its majesty, its flightiness. It’s wonderful.

[It rained more,she pushed her hair off her face and began to cry was just a WAS she was was too human.] I keep thinking of Jesus. LOL! I’m sorry if I’m religiously tainting your poem, but I really think about Jesus and human weakness.

[She was made of cruel passions,she could shine,kill,twist the world to her will. And yet she had compassion too,she loved (soverymuch) and she broke her own heart so many times.] I love this. “made of cruel passions”. This whole section is like one big giant fist-shake at the heavens. LOL!

[her head smashed against the hard cliff once more] Ow. [Her back jolted and cr a ck (there goes another vital bone;).] OW! [She was under invisible chains,unable to ,smash,killmeplease] Wow, holy -crap-, that’s terrible! BUT AWESOME!

[,hanging on the lips of a lover in case she might fall into a swirling rainbow puddle.] Like, the kind of puddles you see when cars drive away? Those rainbowish oil puddles?

[She floated hopelessley.] *hopelessly. NO, GIRL! Don’t give up!

[She wasn't weak could have saved could have made her happy.] This is a powerful statement, and would work wonders if it was explicated for religion’s sake. This would really twist a few brains. [The rocks crashed against had no use for her.] Wow… what a powerhouse.

[She took one last look at the bats and the fading blue and then &then & then the bell rang. 1:15. lunch time.] LOL!

See, I read the author’s note, but I really think you could call it more than just a silly jot. I think it deserves to be a real piece, look at how powerful all the imagery is, and all the social commentary, the parallels, everything! Give this piece utmost respect for delivering a powerful read! Why don’t you just rip away that author’s note, and end the piece at: “She took one last look at the bats and the fading blue and then &then & then…” and call it a Nobel Prize?

It was awesome, Ebony. So awesome that I can’t think of doing anything more than adding it to my favorite stories. Beautifully written piece, one that -really- should stand on its own.

Rock on, Ebony!
White Tea and Ginger chapter 1 . 10/26/2005
Wow, the wording and ideas and imagery throughout this piece are amazingly powerful. Each sentence have me chills! Although I can follow the piece, it's difficult to understand what it means symbolicly. Nevertheless, this is a truly gorgeously written piece and kept me thinking. I loved these lines: 'the taste dripped down into her mouth,blended with her blunt and bland,the sort of taste that is meant to be enjoyed but is stifled by emotions.'

Gorgeous, beautiful, any other word you can think of inserted here.

-Hillary-
by His blood chapter 1 . 10/22/2005
thanks for your review, first of all. _ this was excellent - very nicely written & powerful. i liked it. by the way, i did take you off of my favorite authors list, but only because the stupid limit of 30 won't let me add everyone, so i'm constantly adding & deleting & moving people around because i'm always searching for new authors. so it's not like i don't love your writing, it's that fictionpress doesn't want me to like the writing of more than thirty people for some very strange reason. i deleted around five people today because i wanted to make room for others, & i'll probably delete them eventually. i need another account, but i only have one e-mail address...
poetic abortion chapter 1 . 10/20/2005
soverynice. I love it.

* noelle