|Reviews for The Elven Chronicles|
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 8 . 6/22/2011
Pretty sneaky of ya, to pester others to read and review your story while going MIA on theirs. I must applaud your whole notion of fairness and equivalent exchange. :P Okay, just kidding, but you should know what to do now.
I had to rush through the story since I'm busy, so I could have gotten a few things wrong, but wow, what a story. Kind of cheeky to ask people to read and review a story you hardly update, or take ages to write the next chapter (3 years since the last one if I remember correctly). But as you said, you don't force people to read your story, you nag and pester them until they agree (okay, I was just joking, no offense. :D), so here I am. Heh.
It was a fun story, no doubt about that, even if it took 4 chapters for Gailen and Illandal to appear. The bath scene, as always, is hilarious, I wonder when Gailen will ever learn from his mistakes that peeping does not pay. Unless you want to die. The sparring scene is quite fun as well, as is Illandal's chapter. It seems open to more developments and Illandal ends up going to the human world for WAR! The Wood Elves are finally going to move out against the Evil forces of Chaos, huh? About time! Wonder if there's going to be a policy of non-intervention.
Not very familiar with Dungeons And Dragons, but yeah, your story seems more Warhammer than anything else. Not that it's a bad thing - inspiration is the best, especially if you do it well. Good artist copy, great artists steal, after all. If you pull it off, it will be an awesome story.
Nothing more to say, other than...I doubt you'll update this story, so no point looking forward to the next chapter.
| Tomoyuki Tanaka chapter 4 . 6/12/2011
I've got school tomorrow, so I'm gonna review halfway through for now. I do hope you don't mind, right?
Nice story. I love the background and the history. You have certainly built a rich, solid world teeming with life, races and different creatures of origins. The history seems cool as well, even if a tad similar to what most fantasy stories do. Witch King sounds very familiar...can't put my finger where, but who cares? Your story is nice, that's more important than anything. I'm not here to accuse people of ripping stuff off; besides most stuff is inspired or have been written before, so it's hard to be original anyway.
I like Laryx; shock to find out he isn't the main character. Then who the hell is the main character? 4 chapters in and we haven't seen any sign of him? Okay...but I'll have faith that you planned it properly.
Ironically you asked me to read this ahead of Circle of Arvens (which I probably already read, I think). And Chaos...sounds very Warhammer. Like I said, lots of things are inspired and nothing's original anymore, so I won't hold it against you.
When I have the time, I'll read and review the rest in a few days. Hope you don't mind. Thanks.
See you soon!
| Vernelley chapter 3 . 4/20/2011
I did read the second chapter but I didn't think I'd be able to say a lot on it, so I cheaped out and took the next chapter. Hope you don't mind XD
Although, with regard to your A/N, it did feel like something of a filler. It was short and not much really happened, but I think there was some good foreshadowing when Ryder asked Laryx about the Elves song, and also when his fate as a Messenger is mentioned briefly.
I'm not sure if the breaks in the middle are entirely necessary, since the italics already indicate a transition of sorts. Technical issues I won't delve into so much because they're not so major.
Sorry I don't have much to say here, but I hope the review helps :)
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 4/15/2011
I thought this was pretty neat. You write that historical kind of fantasy well :)
The lead-in was good for scene building. Your descriptions were very solid there.
I liked how you introduced Laryx, and how the guards interacted with him. It was pretty realistic to me. I think the dialogue is a little stiff in a few places though:
"Gravis, the city which produces the best wine in Fareth? Dat's pretty far off if ye askin' me, but ye still didn't answer my question."
-Basically what I mean is that it doesn't quite sound natural in conversation.
I do like how Laryx is this very affable character everyone likes and enjoys the presence of.
It's probably just the dialogue/narrative balance that needs a bit of polishing, but since this hasn't gone under the beta knife as yet, it's still pretty good if you ask me. Nice work here :)
| Tawny Owl chapter 3 . 6/23/2010
Oh, it did feel like the end of this chapter should have a drum roll or something.
I don’t have anything against accents: I think they do add character to fantasy cultures, and it does show that Laryx has had more education than the serfs – I think you need to tone down the serfs though – it was kind of hard to understand them sometimes. It depends on what other people have said though.
This chapter could do with some showing rather than telling too – when Laryx has just finished his song was the case that stood out the most. You say he’s captured the hearts of his audience, but after such an epic song that kind of falls a bit flat, and the round of the applause could be anything from riotous to polite. I think you could create more atmosphere, make the air tingle a bit. Perhaps they’ve been so drawn in by his words it takes them a while to realise it’s finished and then react?
It’s interesting that he decides to sing that song when he’s been having dreams as well – it feels like you should make more of the prophetic nature of that when he decides to share the song in the first place. I think I remember him saying he hadn’t sung it before in the previous chapter as well? Why does he decide to tell it now? Is just because of the dreams? Again I think you’re missing a chance to build up on the atmosphere of it.
How you liking the football – I’m about to go and see how England are doing….(that deserves a drum roll too!)
| Tawny Owl chapter 2 . 5/27/2010
brought break the Void – maybe just broke the void? I like the way you split up order and chaos and their balance to give good and evil a kind of definition. That was cool. The High, Free and War bit made me double take, but the explanation behind how the Dark elves was made was good. As was their physical appearance and the details like they can’t see light. Very chilling creations, potentially.
It was set out like a poem, but read more as a series of statements, which were kind of dry. I couldn’t imagine it being told as a poem or a song which made it less fun to read. It did kind of capture the epic feel of an ancient creation myth, but needed more rhythm or something to bring it to life. I don’t have a good grasp of poetry though so let me know if I’m missing something.
His people however fought back and managed to save Oryan – Oryan’s people fought back and managed to save him – sounds like a better way of saying it.
| lookingwest chapter 8 . 5/25/2010
Wow, long chapter, haha. Glad I could make it to the end here too, looking forward to how you'll conclude!
If those two beginning sequences were supposed to be Illandil, which I'm almost positive they were, then I'm glad that you added some more in about his trauma and everything. I think you worded those two parts with a great amount of period discourse too, where it was written in a more polished language instead of using contemp. terms like "dude", so it definitley gave those two bits a sense of regal-ness.
Fourth paragraph had some tense problems, there were a few awkwardly worded sentences. I liked the way you added the tree of peace and that bit of Elvish, or what I think is Elvish, right? Very cool. It was atheistically pleasing to see it in the narrative as well.
You went pretty long with the first bit of dialogue without using speaker tags, I think you could add some in there just to make it easier to follow the conversation, even though of course it's not between a lot of people, but it's still nice to see once the reader really gets used to your pace and into the story-I for one, when into a story, start reading a little faster, and then I got caught up in oh "I forgot who said that" and have to back track, then I lose pacing. Just an opinion though too, I suppose. Anyway, I got kind of lost in it.
I found the flashback italicized scene hard to read because it was again, all dialogue with no speaker tags though I liked seeing how the two became friends. You barely had the dialogue broken up and it was very heavy-I would have liked to have seen a little more description instead of all dialogue. I found you used the phrase "to be honest" wayy too much, which you haven't really done before but it really came across in this last chapter.
Anyway, I think the biggest highlight of this was how you gave us more depth about all of our characters, especially Illandl. You handled that well and I can really tell that you know your characters down to a perfect tee.
I await to hear which story I shall start on next!
| lookingwest chapter 7 . 5/25/2010
"Master Faynor..." greeted the blonde elf.
-"Blonde" in this sense is the feminine use of blonde, indicating that your elf is a woman. The masculine spelling is "blond"
Cool concept with the Wood Elves and how the do their training, it was a good way to learn more about them and creative to have them use real weapons, definitley heightens the tension of the chapter with having that background information.
Good description of the fight, I think you kept it pretty clear. I could see your images and everything. Your dialogue needs some editing work as far as periods and commas and stuff but eh, trying to steer away from that because I know you don't care, XD. As far as what the two ended up talking about I wasn't really super interested, but I think you kept their conversation realistic and everything.
Once you go into the flash back I thought that was good to add a little background information. I liked the detail about it raining, some times I wish there as a little more attention to that, but I know you live to drive a lot with dialogue too. And as far as content like I said, it's working well.
Good way to end the chapter-it was snappy.
| Aspiemor chapter 8 . 5/13/2010
It was a long chapter but not boring. Honestly I just had a boring day at work. Anyway the flashbacks were nice and some of the emotion I could relate in losing a parent and not crying that is. But overall the story is good and I hoe pt ose you continue it. Now as for the layout I would say what I think it needs to be changed but honestly I think you a re a better writer and I have no idea what I am talking about.
| Narq chapter 8 . 5/9/2010
Wow - got to the end of this story - so what's the next story for me?
I really, really liked "From nature comes life, to nature shall death return" - it was good, but methinks: "From nature comes life, to nature shall life return" might have more sense.
It was good having Illandil grip his sword because I'd almost forgotten the real thing around him. You might also want to add the wind? The sky? what's in front of him? The tree, right? are there birds? ect.
"Without turnin his head, he said" - I felt that was too straight forwards, to easy. Maybe: He said" No...Gailen" (btw, there's some commas missing there) and then have. He didn't have to look. The (limping/heavy/ect) foosteps told much.
btw, how does he know he's a human?
Flashbacks are all good. Again, I'd talk about mixing dialgoue with description but I think you've got enough of that from me by now.
| Narq chapter 7 . 5/9/2010
okay, I think you did a good job on the fight scene here. Also, I felt that you were really focused on what you wanted to achieve in this chapter so that's good too.
BUT and here's hte big but. I've said it before and I'll say it again. You tent to have great bouts of dialgoue, and then great bouts of description. Have them constant throughout. It helps relieves the reader because having the same thing for a period of time (no matter how good the writing) is always a bit annoying.
| Aspiemor chapter 7 . 4/29/2010
Wow yo uare pretty versed in fantasy works. Hoenstly I am still trying to figure out the general age range and span for elves. A friend of mine helped me figure out how a dragon could age in my story. Anayway I did enjoy this chapter and I thank you for the summary. I did think it could have used a bit more description in place of dialouge but it could be our differing writing styles. I still think mine can use soem vast improvement. Oh well almsot cuaght up. When are you goign to update this btw?
| Narq chapter 6 . 4/28/2010
"There was no evidence of movement amongst trees as two Wood Elves moved through them effortlessly. One of them wore a grin and the other wore an uncomfortable look." - eh, extremely tell-y. You have to show! same as "Then as the Elven girls looked on at hte scene, they got hte fright of hteir lives". SHOW SHOW SHOW!
yeah, somehow that's all I can say for thsi chapter.
Life's being annoying and I can't actually think straight.
| Aspiemor chapter 6 . 4/24/2010
I wasn't offended but then again I am a guy. Anyway I didn't midn the manga style humor. You actually pull it off well. I jsut hope my reviews are actually being helpful. So far I find nothign to improve upon. Yeah I do understand about chapter length and going beyond what you wanted. Frankely fight scenes are hard for me. Well anyway jsut showing I am stil commited ot reading your stories.
| Tawny Owl chapter 1 . 4/21/2010
So sorry, thought I posted this ages ago, but it must have been eaten up by the ether...
Bit too much of a history lesson to start. It wasn’t long, which was good, but I did skim it because you I wanted to know more about the village, or even its name and why you picked it to represent the rest of Britannia. It was a nice image and then it was lost and we never really picked up on it again. Do we really need to know that the old king dies of pneumonia? A random fact like that deserves an explanation to make it sail, even if its just an illustration of how happy and peaceful everything is.
Why should the guard recognise him if he’s a stranger wearing a hood? Delusions of grandeur, methinks. Maybe tell us why he’s strange. He’s set to be the lead in the prologue and a bard has to be charismatic, or interesting or have a cool voice, even if he does have an amulet. And I know I’ve said it a lot, but here we go again, put in dialogue tags, or tell us what the guards look like, or what they’re doing or give us some scenery. Something so it’s not like reading a script.
You thought about writing this from laryx pov? It might drag the reader into the action more, I felt a bit disconnected from the whole coming home party. I didn’t get any impression about how he was really feeling or anything like that. Nervous? Excited? You did a lot of telling and not much showing. After three years he bounces right back as though nothing has changed, including him.
And he said he had sung them all the songs that he knew but had the elven one hidden up his sleeve? Not nice to tease children like that. And why is he going to tell all now when he’s kept it a secret for so long. You have a good classic fantasy opening here, but I think you’re wasting it as you could do so much to bring it to life more. Ok, I feel like I’m being really harsh. It is a really good idea, and starting with the mundane and moving to the magical, especially through something like a song or a story always has potential. Build on that, make it the focus rather than the conversation with the guards. Although it was a good way to show how personable Laryx is, which is a good trait for someone who makes his money as a bard. I like the idea of elves having hardships as well. Very mysterious.