|Reviews for Tarnished Gold|
| Michael J. Scinto chapter 3 . 4/23/2011
This is very good. Description is great, I can see the library and classroom. First person is really hard, and even harder to do well, but you've definitely got it down. It's rare to find a really good story on FP, but this is undoubtedly one of the hidden gems.
| Dryad7 chapter 21 . 9/21/2010
This is a very gripping story, and I am much enjoying it. One problem, though, in this chapter. Towards the beginning, you say 'yay-high;' in this context, it should be 'yea-high'. Yea is an Old English word that Could mean here, or so, or let it be.
Thank you for writing such an excellent story!
| Me chapter 1 . 9/23/2007
I'll describe this "foreword" in one sentence:
Terry Pratchett rip-off.
And you think you are so great at writing that you can belittle everyone else's work just because it's not your own? Try being original. I've heard it helps. I have read a few chapters of this, and so far I have yet to understand its purpose on this website, or even its purpose in existing.
I just thought you deserved to be informed of my opinion before you go on with your ego-the-size-of-Africa behaviour. Have a nice day.
| yourworstnightmare666 chapter 1 . 7/3/2007
i must say something about your profile. Welcome to Black dragon writing? LAME! oh and i question the characters name in your stories. Zh'ess. You need to think about things logically Mr. Lets give bad reviews to everyone because i'm so "great". the name Zh'ess might somewhat look good, to you at least, on paper. But try saying it. It doesn't WORK!
| Nethus chapter 2 . 2/21/2007
ok, first thing...I understand that a lot of people like your work. I also see that you seem to dislike Mccaffrey and such, but your naming style seems very similar to hers. And...why the hell is a dragon nursing...what the hell man, seriously, mammals nurse, not reptiles...and in my opinion, this reads far too much like The Silmarillion to actually...flow. It might be that it's just the opening of the story and that it starts to flow better after a while, but...I dont know, maybe it does get better...I dont really care to continue because I find other things more interesting...such as a lamp shade. I will make this general point...this is entirely my opinion, so...take this for what it's worth, I'm not saying your writing ...sucks...just that I dont like it, plenty of others like it. I also see how you seem to tear apart other writers works and while that is nice, you say stuff is bad, when in fact, it isn't. Well, it isn't in my opinion. AH! OPINION!
| Isaac Felshadow chapter 30 . 7/24/2006
Popped ahead to see if I should read further as the begining showed a story I do not usually read.
I like it. The humor is done well and the charecters movements are decribed in great detail while not boring the reader.
Once again, thanks for the review.
| Lyharii chapter 6 . 7/10/2006
By the way, since I forgot to mention it in the last review, thanks for bothering to explain the naming rules, the Howl, Dragonkin beauty, Dragonkin time, W'rmthalak's acquisition of his position as Overlord, etc. It's appreciated. Are these "aspects" of each Flight explained someplace in that Treatise? Because if they are, then it's probably be easier for me to just read that.
Okay, on to chapter six.
"...nothing much had changed-the water cistern still stood where it was in the kitchen, below the grilled air vents…the hollow in the wall which served as my bed, swept free of shed scales, hair and the like in my absence…" I guess it's an issue of parallel sentence here, but the latter portion bugs me as a fragmentary-sounding part. Could be fixed by mentioning that the hollow in the wall was "still there," just like always. Unless you were trying to mention that the cleanliness of the alcove was one of the changes?
"Ascension…one day…" I found this bit of musing on T'alnoth's part rather interesting. It sounded an awful lot like he was really looking forward to this Ascension, to this taking on of the role of Overlord. And yet he doesn't show much interest in his studies, or at least finds them rather boring; he is dutiful, but only because he knows no other way yet and because he has been brought up to obey. Perhaps he regards the chance to become Overlord as an opportunity to prove himself, to distinguish himself as a unique individual from his father's shadow, and that's why he looks forward to the event. Maybe it's something he anticipates, but at the same time dreads in a passive sort of fashion, because he never really chose this path for himself, but was simply put into it by others.
"'Why must everything I do be compared in one way or another to Father?' I screamed..." I felt that the "screamed" verb seemed a little out of place here. It seems to me that screaming would seem a little too high-pitched, perhaps, or even a little out of character... even if you did mean it to show that whiny and immature side of T'alnoth again. I think, actually, that even though you did mention that this tension and irritation has been building up over the course of many Rounds (btw, nice simile there-I liked it), it still seems that we don't have enough of an idea of how much he is compared to his father for us to understand his reaction completely. As a result, it seems exaggerated or unreasonable to me; it has less of an effect, essentially. This might be a result of the fact that you opened near the beginning with a similar outburst (and one that included a similar response from his mother-shock), combined with the fact that we don't see enough of his building resentment to sympathize properly with him.
"I growled, the shards in my eyes red with anger, fangs bared..." This is probably just me, but there is a slight clarity issue that bugs me here. It just sounds as if his eyes have fangs, and that those are the ones bared. Probably would wipe up the possible ambiguity if you were to put "my" before the "fangs."
"I am T'alnoth..." Because you italicized the "I" in this phrase, it made it sound as if he were arguing that there were two T'alnoths and that he was the real one. Rather, to imply the meaning you meant, you might consider italicizing "T'alnoth" instead, so that you can show how you meant for him to distinguish between T'alnoth and W'rmthalak.
"...and what they did tell me, I suspected wasn’t totally true... No one’s lying to me..." Sounds sort of contradictory, because you established that there's untruth, but then said that it wasn't a lie.
There was also a tense problem in this chapter, in which you shifted to present tense near the middle part of the story. I believe most of this was concentrated around R'xxra's portion and the end of T'alnoth's outburst. ("No one's lying to me..." and "T'alnoth wishes to have nothing to do with W'rmthalak...")
"Ironically, though T’alnoth wishes to have nothing to do with W’rmthalak…he may have taken after me physically, some portion of his father’s spirit still resides within him." Need "but" before "some," I believe.
"It wasn’t that I’d meant to deceive the child…just that we’d all agreed that it was best that enough time should pass..." Whoa. Lots of use of "that" here (4x).
"Although it was impossible to determine where each branch began and ended, I warily picked my way through the intertwining, twisted limbs..." I am not entirely certain why this sentence was begun with "although."
You originally described the "sea of shards" as "glimmering, angular objects hovering in the blackness, stars illuminating the tree’s broad fronds," and when you transitioned to the former description, it caught me by surprise. I had a little bit of trouble recalling your mention of the "glimmering, angular objects" and drawing the connection between them.
"Some of the branches had simply withered away. Others had been lopped off, or even worse, scorched." How come being scorched is worse than being lopped off?
"...a passing breath might have sucked all of my eight feet into the depths of a nostril..." I might be wrong, but I believe T'alnoth is a little taller than eight feet. I think I remember you saying that he was taller than his mother, and she was eight and a half feet tall.
"I brushed back a few strands of loose hair from my face before gingerly reaching out to touch one of the multihued, brilliant scales upon the reptile’s snout.." Well, since there were two reptiles, it might help to mention which one he's touching. Or at least say that he's touching the snout of "one of them."
Watch the italicization of the passages "While those of the First Clutch... when I was a dragonet went" and "What was that all about? ...lethargic beyond belief." There's no attempt to distinguish between his thoughts and the rest of the sentence.
"Atop every shard, a similarly coloured dragon rested, though smaller than the two under the tree‘s shade, each one was magnificent and regal, eyes trained upon my bronze form as I tumbled past them into wakefulness.." This confused me at first, because I hadn't known that the shards were colored. Maybe you could clarify this along with the description of the "glimmering, angular objects."
I tried to deviate more from beta-ish comments. Hopefully I succeeded. _
Anyway, sorry to taint this review with a me-related bit of jabbering, but I'm really not sure at all if any of the emails I've sent have wound up in the junk mail or not. At any rate, though, I guess I should have made sure that the warning about "clichés ahead" was singular. Because there's really only one big cliché in that chapter (beginning part), and to be honest with you... it was in the summary. Pretty integral to the plot. Sort of to be expected. x_x I apologize. Hopefully I will be able to do something sort of new with it...
Anyway! Yes. I'm enjoying the story. Will review more later.
| Lyharii chapter 5 . 7/5/2006
Wow. I actually sort of guessed who the voice was talking to W'rmthalak in the beginning. Yay. At first, I was a little confused because I got the impression that she was moving around, when before in the prologue we'd been told that she was "shackled" in the Void, but I figure that term could be applied loosely... since it IS the Void, after all. ;)
Note on the bolded and italicized stuff: I do get the drift, but I was sort of under the impression that if you want to indicate emphasis on a sentence that's italicized, you sort of un-italicize it. However, that's probably just a style thing. Or something. _
One other little thing about the W'rmthalak section: You mentioned that he was "wondering what this enigmatic apparition meant," but I was sort of thinking that he couldn't see. So I'm not entirely sure that she qualifies as an apparition, since Decasia's "essence" is apparently "scattered amongst the planes." Oh well.
"...All existing somewhere, for the streams of time branch and merge at will." Ooh, I like that idea. It was nicely put. A little hard to get the concepts of the future and "reality" into words, after all. Anyway, that was an interesting interlude, and although I don't really see the point of it now, I'm sure I will sometime. I actually don't see the connection with the quote at the top, either, but... yeah. Oh well.
"Inside the confines of L’zul’s homely abode..." This sounds familiar, so I think you used the term "homely abode" to describe his house before. I guess that's not entirely a bad thing, but I have serious issues with redundancy (argh). It kind of drives me crazy.
On a side note, you mention that the bed "rested in a side room" and then in the next paragraph say that the large, cushioned basket "rested by the foot of the aforementioned bed." Not sure if the "rested" repetition is intentional.
Oh, and you also talk about how the werewolves change and all when the "twin moons rise." Don't they rise every night? Is it a full moon type thing? Or do the twin moons only rise together every now and then?
With the part from "Shoo...I'll be fine," you might want to watch the italics. I think the whole thing is italicized.
Caught me off guard when you used the word "dang." I can see how it would fit the context of T'alnoth's thoughts, but it just seems a little weird. Though I suppose it could have originated as a less severe form of the "other" d word.
I inferred that "scraping" was a form of deference to authority amongst the Dragonkin, but I don't actually remember reading about that in their customs and stuff part of your Treatise. What IS the scraping, anyway?
Might want to watch the "..." use in the passage "the grizzled soldier...now dulled with wear and age..."
I was kind of confused about the technician's position, because you said that her feet were sticking out from under the wagon but it sounded like she was conversing with R'eyortsed perfectly fine.
"a short, stocky woman whose black, wavy hair fell down in braids..." That sounds kind of weird to me, because I believe that usually when one's hair is in braids, it's a little hard to tell if it's wavy. However, I suppose that she could have a few wavy strands sticking out here and there, or maybe only part of it is in braids?
"Lawd, yer blessed to haf been whelped dis’ way..." Usually, written-in accents annoy me a lot (mostly since reading this particular book for a class... gr), but this wasn't so bad, actually. At least there weren't crazy-looking abbreviations in there that didn't make any sense. Congratulations on making the accent intelligible. Kind of serves to show how diverse the werewolves are in coming from different places, I guess. It caught me by surprise to see her saying "Lawd," though, because I figured that the origin of that as an exclamation was from the Christian religion. Though I suppose I can see how she might have gotten it from the fact that there actually ARE lords in your world...
"Reaching down to pet a large, grey wolf’s head before it trotted off..." Was that wolf a werewolf? O_o Dunno. It just seems strange that he would pet fellow werewolves. I think he did pet Iryane some, but I thought that was because she was his mate.
"I didn’t make this sort of decision. Others did…yet in the future I would have to make them as well." I wasn't sure if T'alnoth meant that he would make them (the "others") come with him in the winter later on, or if he would make the decisions as well. If it was the latter, then maybe you could clarify a little by changing the first part to "I didn't make these sorts of decisions." Or something like that, anyway.
Yes, good chapter. Nice building of suspense on who T'alnoth is, too, by the way.
| Lyharii chapter 4 . 7/4/2006
I read that "Treatise on the Nature of the Dragonkin," or at least part of it. Cleared up the bit on appearance, clothing, and customs. Sounds like you've really spent a lot of time thinking about your world and its races. It's an interesting change to have someone actually have a dragon as the main character, though, and a "real" sort of dragon-not one with a human form (something I believe you addressed in your profile somewhere). So we get to hear about things like snouts and scales, and it's a different sort of way to appeal to a human reader-i.e. we probably can't relate to the Dragonkind's idea of beauty. And since so many fantasy stories nowadays include beautiful characters...
Oh, yeah, and I'd be happy to hear about the naming rules.
Chapter two seemed peppered with little anecdotes and explanations about things like how the werewolves came to settle there, all narrated in a sufficiently dry, matter-of-fact tone that made me feel that T'alnoth was something like a bored narrator just going about his ordinary life. It sounded sort of like the story of L'zul and his werewolves coming into the Gold Flight's territory was related in the previous story (Pathways of Darkness?).
I was a little confused about how T'alnoth still specifically notices L'zul's ritual of pouring out the Sunjoy sherry even though he's been going to visit the werewolves with the tithe train for ten Rounds. It just seems like he wouldn't bother noting that it's a "strange ritual" after he's seen it so many times. Although perhaps he hasn't actually seen it before, since he mentions that he asked around and found out that L'zul did it every year. Eh. Dunno.
I noticed that you mention explicitly a few times how T'alnoth isn't respected by his fellow Dragonkin, and that he's sort of an outcast amongst them. You mentioned, though, that there would be lots of chaos if he were to NOT inherit the position of Overlord of the Gold Flight. It strikes me as a little odd that if they don't like him and don't think he's one of them, they still expect him to do a good job as one-third of their government. However, I think you mentioned that his mother said his father was low-born, which would indicate that the position of Overlord isn't entirely hereditary. So I'm a little confused there.
I guess you might be planning some scenes later on to show more of his state of acceptance amongst the rest of the Gold Flight, and if you are, then it might be better to let those speak for themselves rather than actually have him say, "Why, oh why do I possess a bronze hide?" Might be better for the conveying.
In chapter four, the part where you discuss how T'alnoth read the article on the "Noble Avengers" seems sort of aimless. I think you meant to use it to show how lots of folks are out to get the werewolves, but just before that you mentioned that there's still a lot of werewolves out there enjoying their power over other people. So it would indicate that they're not helpless against these "Noble Avengers." Anyhow, I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of that little bit of info was. The transition from the end of it and T'alnoth's musings and back into the main story was a little abrupt, as well. (Though I suppose you might have meant to convey the surprise of "R'eyortsed's bellow" to both T'alnoth and the reader.)
“Get over here now or I’ll flay the scales off your hide, bronze or not!” Hmm. Doesn't really make sense to me. The way you have presented this issue makes me believe that bronze scales are an abomination amongst the Dragonkind because they represent a mingling that should never have happened. So it seems a little strange that R'eyortsed would say something like that. Sounds almost like bronze scales would really encourage flaying. Or was he harping on the matter of T'alnoth's mixed parentage and Black influence? E.g., saying that he's got the black tint in him, but whether or not his father's scale colors are in his, he'll still get them flayed off if he doesn't come? Nitpicky. Blah. I shouldn't be thinking about this too much.
Oh. Um. I actually forgot some comments that I had wanted to make on chapter three. (1) I really liked the description of the Great Library; it sounds like an awesome place; (2) maybe you might want to consider mentioning the other students in the classroom later on; (3) are the Dragonkind's scales actually made of metal, e.g. gold and bronze? Or were those adjectives just meant to convey color? and (4) in the passage "My parents did love each other... now broken and shattered..." you might want to cut down a little on the use of dot-dot-dots.
Okay. More about chapter four... What's the "Howl"? Just curious. Other than that, most of the nitpicky-type errors I caught with this chapter were just issues between "who" and "whom," and problems with parentheses (e.g. punctuation after end).
"...we allowed them a place to live in safety, protected from those whom would seek to harm them, and come to their aid if need be." Sounds like those who would "seek to harm" them would also "come to their aid if need be." O_o
"Iryane bore a large pot of steaming beef stew, carefully setting it upon the table before lifting the lid, assailing my snout with a mixture of fragrances" I guess it's not entirely wrong to say it this way, but it sounds a little odd to me because I'm interpreting it as indicating that Iryane is assailing his snout. I suppose she sort of is, indirectly, but maybe you could change it so that it's more of the fragrances that are assailing his snout. Dunno. Or maybe it might help to add a "thus" before the "assailing."
"Clothed in a gown-like dress... which went well with her silvery-white hair and aqua eyes." This actually has some parenthesized stuff in between, but it's a fragment without the interruption.
"I felt just like one of the long, thin stalks out there." It might emphasize the effect of this simile if you were to mention that there were a lot of stalks "out there."
Some other stuff. But the betas can find it. :) Good stuff so far.
| Lyharii chapter 3 . 7/2/2006
There were actually a couple of my comments in that huge chunk that you might consider to be of use (non-grammatical type things). (E.g. The transition from the cookies being gone to Hydros realizing their predicament, the italicizing of "'The cookies are all gone!' she shrieked," the introduction of Duffikus, and the division of Arkon into five sections as opposed to the division of the planes into four.) But maybe your betas will take care of that, too. :)
I know you mentioned that you're not the praise-giving sort. Unfortunately, I sort of... am. _ That is to say, what I'm best at is probably "betaing." Essentially, I am quite useless when it comes to harping on cliches and such, because very little irritates me more than ill-written dialogue or, maybe, lots and lots and lots of heavy description. So I apologize in advance if none of my comments are particularly helpful.
Hmm, names, huh? Well, actually, I don't think you're bad with names. For instance, even if the name "R'xxra" might look a little crazy, you still can make some sense of how it might be pronounced, and anyway I imagine it'd sound pretty cool. Especially if you try to think of how it might sound in a raspy type voice. Though, I admit, that's a little stereotypical of how draconic voices ought to sound. It seems that there are two main types of voices, really... the deep and raspy, and the light and melodious. Derno. (Oh, and by the way, I really like the name "Iryane." It is very pretty.)
I do like how you're starting to paint a picture of what your Dragonkin are like. Reptiles, but measured in terms of height. I'm not sure if they stand on two feet or not, but it sounds sort of like it would be that way, since when T'alnoth was crying, his tears were falling onto his belly scales. It's definitely a unique way to portray dragons-most think of them as the big, huge beasts with the leathery bat-wings that breathe fire and hoard treasure. Hmm. You, on the other hand, have got smaller dragons that wear clothing (!), thus granting them a more "civilized" feel-the stereotypical dragon, I suppose, is more of a beast type. How sad. :(
"Zh’ess held in trust T’alnoth’s power in the Tripartite." (Chapter two.) Ohh, I was really confused by that at first. It's probably just me, but it sounded kind of like he had some sort of magical power, and the Tripartite was some sort of gem. Gah. Makes me feel stupid. I do get it now, though. It just took a chapter or two. It's probably also because I'm coming in fresh-didn't read your earlier story.
Some notes on the prologue...
You switch between using "it" and "he" to describe T'alnoth here, and it seems to me like it might be a little better to stick to "he," maybe just for the sake of establishing a clearer connection. I do get where you're pulling the "it" from, though. Up to you.
When you mention the "Dance of Life," you've just finished talking about R'xxra's brother, and it sounds almost like she's saying she'll never perform the Dance of Life with her brother again. O_o
A little redundancy issue with repeating "her personal life had suffered greatly" as "the librarian's personal life had suffered greatly."
There's a few other nitpicky things. But I'm sure your betas will find them. :)
It's interesting to see the significant change between R'xxra's sort of introspective, moody feel in third person to T'alnoth's detached, almost quietly resentful personality in first person. He strikes me as an interesting sort of heir. Duty-bound, in a sense, but not really complaining or rebellious-more like waiting, perhaps, for some chance at change. And very mysterious. Yum.
I do have some suggestions in general, though, for chapter two: (1) try to watch the capitalization of "mother," since in most cases in this section it ought to be capitalized, as T'alnoth is referring to R'xxra and calling her "mother" as a name; (2) watch the use of "whom" as opposed to "who"; and (3) I noticed that T'alnoth uses "..." a lot. You might want to go through and cut down a little on the dot-dot-dots.
"While I suppose her intentions aren’t bad, the pathway to the Demonic Planes is literally paved with them." I really didn't understand that sentence. O_o I think I don't know what it is that they're paved with. Sorry. I'm probably just slow... or something.
"I don’t fault her, really. Because much rests upon the wings of the Head Lorekeeper, I suppose as the future Overlord of the Gold Flight, forgiveness must be learnt." I do know what you're trying to convey here, but it's a little choppy in the way you get it across, since you put forth two ideas and sort of mash them together. You're trying to say that you're obligated to forgive her because much rests on her wings, but at the same time you're trying to say that he needs to learn forgiveness as a future ruler. So maybe you could change it around to something like "I don't fault her, really, because much rests on the wings of the Head Lorekeeper. And I suppose that as future Overlord of the Gold Flight, forgiveness most be learnt."
"Still prone in front of the headstone, mother bowed, stock-still." I sort of was under the impression that she was still kneeling, rather than "prone."
"Now risen to her feet, mother’s whole body quivered." Just a differentiation between "Mother" and "Mother's whole body." Could change to something like "Now that she had risen to her feet, Mother's whole body quivered."
"Sobbing gently, my mixture of tears and water dripped upon the grave." Sounds like the mixture of tears and water is sobbing gently.
That's about it for Chapters 2 and 3.
| Lyharii chapter 1 . 7/1/2006
First off, I would like to offer you congratulations for holding my attention through this entire first chapter, and especially since I was running on less than five hours of sleep. Generally, it's really difficult to do that. I get distracted far too easily, and I can't even read my own first few chapters without feeling devastatingly bored. _
It's a very comprehensive and detailed tale, and one that sounds very carefully thought out to me. I rather like the mixture of pettiness and seriousness you've put in-e.g. how the entire dispute grew from a mere empty cookie jar. Ah, how the little things grow when you're bored. ;)
You've got a cool writing style. It's not full of unnecessary fluff/descriptions (like mine). And you've got a nice balance of humor, and it makes what would otherwise sound dry sound... un-dry.
Hmm. I like your choice of elements. "Time" is something unique and cool there. "Alleria" happens to be an interesting name, too. Isn't that a World of Warcraft server? But anyway.
It's a little strange to me that the rest of the Pantheon never noticed that Caine wasn't there when they were trying to figure out who stole the cookie. You'd think that they'd have noticed he could be the obvious culprit, unless you mention that he, too, had an alibi in Whalthok, just like the Elemental Lords. Maybe you could mention that, because when you suddenly say, "Oh, and Caine was out with the Elemental Lords... but they only remembered about him when he came back after it all was over," it sounds a little abrupt.
Well, other than that, I just found some nitpicky-type things to harp on. Don't mind me if you don't care about this work and any grammatical-type errors it might have.
"Whatever the case, the came, they saw, and they decided to stay." ("the came" should probably be "they came.")
"Comfortable as though they were in their magnificent home..." (Probably need to delete the "though.")
"Designed to be paragons of their creators’ power, the Elemental Lord were sculpted to be powerful beings, drawing their life-force from the Ether itself." ("Lord" should probably be plural. And it might just be me, but it feels like "life-force" might want plurality, too.)
"the cookies which deities consume are much unlike the cookies that mortals stuff their faces with, the former baked with stardust and happiness (which interestingly, in short supply at the time) while the latter using old boring flour and butter." (It sounds like you might want to insert a "was" before the "in short supply," and maybe even add a comma after the "which." I also feel that the "using" should be a "used.")
"And you can eat as much of it as you want and not get fat. Then again, the gods probably didn’t know, and still don’t know what the hell fat is." (Because the uses of the word "fat" are a little different here, it might be nice to distinguish them (the first refers to the state of being fat, e.g. adj, while the second refers to "fat" as in saturated fat and such), perhaps by putting quotes around the latter "fat" or changing it to "what the hell being fat is.")
"they were all gone in only a matter of a few aeons. Putting her hand into the cookie jar in one fluid motion, Hydros the Waverider discovered the horrible truth." (The transition from the few aeons passing to Hydros' action is a little abrupt. You might want to say something like, "Then, one day, as Hydros the Waverider put her hand into the cookie jar in one fluid motion, she discovered...")
"'The cookies are all gone!' she shrieked." (It seems a little weird that this sentence is all italicized. It might be better to just italicize what she says, rather than the "she shrieked" part as well.)
"Within Whalthok, there was one servant above all others, a dedicated and trustworthy being, proud to be delegated with the most important tasks of his masters... This servant’s name was Duffikus." (Right after this introduction of Duffikus, you go on about the cookie jars, so the transitions seem a little uneven. I think it might be a better idea to put his introduction in a different spot, maybe along with the creations of the Elemental Lords, or maybe after the cookie incident, so that you can say, for instance, "When Management fails to come up with a reason, there's always one fallback: blame Production. Now, within Whalthok, there was one servant..." I don't know. Something to that effect.)
"Frightened, all the gods’ servants ran for cover within Whalthok, so terrible the hissy fits their mistresses and masters threw." (Should probably insert a "were" after "terrible.")
"Who had pilfered the treat?" (It might sound smoother, perhaps, if you were to change the beginning of this sentence to "But who, then, had pilfered the treat?")
"such as “repeatedly asking ‘did you do it?’ until accused breaks down and confesses”" (I think the "d" in "did" should be capitalized. But that might just be me.)
"the Elemental Lords were far away in the Planes, and thus had an alibi, and none of those in their palace would admit to it" (I think "palace" there should actually be "place.")
"Arbitrarily chosen it was, this unlucky individual turned out to be Duffikus." (I think you need to insert an "as" after "chosen.")
"Ignoring Duffikus’ protests of innocence and claims that he was only washing the sink (Ambrosia really leaves disgusting, ugly stains.) , the gods evicted Duffikus" (Should delete the period after "stains," and perhaps un-capitalize the "a" in "Ambrosia.")
"Caine, too, found them unwilling to do so, for the tohers would rather keep up appearances rather than be righteous." ("tohers" was probably meant to be "others." And I think the second "rather" should be deleted.)
"Other lesser beings whom came to plead for leniency or forgiveness" ("whom" sounds like it should be "who" there.)
"burning rage twisted a once noble being into the very thing his masters were-an unfeeling, hard-hearted demon, forever known as the Devourer." ("once noble" sounds like there should be a hyphen between the two words. I know what you meant to convey by the dash after "were," but it might clarify things if you were to put a space after it or make it into two dashes. In Word, I think there's an automatic replacement thing where if you do something like "were - an unfeeling," then it'll lengthen the dash. And if you type "were-an unfeeling," then it'll make it one long line.)
"split it into the five elements which it was composed of." (This seemed a little strange, since you did mention that amongst the elemental planes Time wasn't really confined to any one.)
"teased Caine for wielding together such a shoddy piece of this one they considered a miscreant, (as well as a cookie glutton) they returned to occupying themselves with their works." (Need to move the comma after "miscreant" to after the close parenthesis. "Wielding" doesn't entirely seem like the right word to use there. Maybe you meanto say "welding.")
"asked Caine to show them how to create a creature-one which would pose no threat, yet set apart by godlike qualities" (Same deal with the dash there, if you want to bother.)
"He called this one 'Woman'." (Since before you seem to be putting the quotes outside of the punctuation ("Man."), it seems like you should do the same here (e.g. "Woman.").)
"Impressed, the gods whom had watched set upon their own tasks, racing to see whom could mould the best creation." ( has a usage note about this if you look up the word "who." I tried to make sense of it, but I'm not really a hardcore grammar type. It seems, though, to me that the first "whom" should be a "who." The second one might also need to be a "who," but I'm less sure about that.)
"and beginning to ask questions such as 'why are we always subservient to the sometimes whimsical demands of the gods?'" (Probably need to capitalize the "w" in "why," since it's quoting a full question.)
"Nozomi used his wit and laughter, and made the merry, short gnomes, intended to me an eternal joke." (All the other races are capitalized, so it's a little strange that the gnomes aren't. :( The "me" should probably also be "be.")
"It was then Duffikus struck." (This is nitpicky, but I feel it might sound better if you were to insert "that" after the "then.")
"those who led the Elemental Lords, Fyraxus, Desen, Tangg, Trenton and Decasia opened a portal to Arkon" (Need a comma after "Decasia.")
"the Devourer planned to humiliate them through their little creation" (I think "creation" should be plural.)
"but he did not need to-the Devourer and his minions crept about" (Dash thing. Again, up to you.)
"overseen by a queen whom had no name" ("whom" should be "who.")
"When the gods heard of the news, they fled from Arkon to Whalthok" (Whoa, I didn't know they were on Arkon in the first place. I thought they were always on Whalthok?)
"all the races dropped their petty squabbles and pitched in to help to whatever extent they could, an epic battle which raged for three hundred Rounds known as The Blighting" (Sounds like you need to insert "taking part in" before "an epic battle.")
"and as the Nameless Queen looked upon what she had wrought upon Arkon, and a small shard of repentance formed" (Need to delete the "and" before "a small shard.")
"a curse of Eternal Life that she so desired" (It sounds to me like you should put a "the" in front of "Eternal Life.")
"two werewolves, L’zul and Garradan sought to find a place" (Need comma after "Garradan.")
"especially L’zul, whom had a mysterious and extremely long past" ("whom" should be "who.")
"After freeing one of their kind, a young woman named Iryane whom was fated to become a fur coat" (Comma after "Iryane," and "whom" should be "who.")
"Massacring almost everyone at the excavation site save the werewolves, who could not be killed and D’raneor" (Comma after "killed.")
"offered the two werewolves some land on which they would be protected and settle upon." (Probably should delete "upon," or it seems sort of redundant. Maybe you could say something like, "...some land upon which they could settle and be protected.")
Yeah. That's about it. Sorry it's so nitpicky. _ I'll try to continue reviewing for the other chapters when I get the time.
| Blah246 chapter 20 . 6/27/2006
What a strange and unexpected turn of events, (well, I successfully guessed some things...) and I'm not even half way through! I can only imagine what could happen. Oh the theories are abound, each one as unique as snowflakes, but I can only read on and see... sucks that I have no time...
So industry triumphs once again, Ford would be so proud, lolz. Also, poor T’alnoth, the bad luck streak never seems to end with him does it? I've grown accustomed to define him through his misery and ill fortune, lolz.
Hmm... I don't find the new additions to the Dragonkin and Werewolf biology and mannerisms a change in the way they work, I in fact enjoy reading about it. They're like tidbits and facts about these intriguing creatures.
Heh, WereDragonkin... an interesting thought...
| Blah246 chapter 12 . 6/13/2006
Interesting developments... more pieces of the puzzle reveal themselves, yet none fall into place... not yet at least.
I can honestly say that the best part of you're writing, besides you're living, breating creations, is the Lore and stories of old which are peppered within your work, especially the philisophical musings of Bebu. (I found those very thought provoking indeed.) Scattered they may be, but they all come together and add an irresistible flavor to Arkon.
Heh, pickled ham... not one of the first things I'd try in cube form, or any in fact. But to each their own... Bah, only a quarter way through the cookie jar, I'm getting there though...
| Blah246 chapter 8 . 6/10/2006
Alas, Mr. Squishy, we shall miss thee. Sorry that I'm reading at a snail's pace, but work and school, you know the drill...
Great bunch of chapters though, especially the character development, it is most excellent. And the intrigue! One cannot forget the intrigue, it's killing me that I have no free time.
Ah, I am humbled by T’alnoth’s presence. But I don't know whether to be honored that he'd take the time visit lil ol' me, or be nervous that he used the term "nuke." I've seen your reviews on Eragon and the like, very scary and yet so true.(*chews finger nails and runs around in panicky circles...*)
| Blah246 chapter 4 . 6/5/2006
Ah, I love reminiscent moments in stories, which is usually why I seek out emcompassing series.
I liked this being in T’alnoth's 1st pov, it makes for a great character driven story. And let's face it, he's a great character, grew attached to him even before PTD, lolz. Also, L’zul and Iryane's cameo turned out awesome. Shame I didn't get to see D’raneor, but I've 44 cookies left, anything can happen...
HA, Paladin and Sunlight upon a distant slope... funny thing is I'm still waiting on those like T’alnoth. I feel his pain. Someday man... someday...