Reviews for Tarnished Gold
La chapter 39 . 3/17/2006
T'alnoth sounds so grown up! The suspense, drama, and awe of this chapter is amazing. You can FEEL it. (Poor R'eyortsed.) Very good chapter!
Shadowhound chapter 39 . 3/17/2006
oh god. T'alnoth's an idiot.

why do they always have to go for the dramatic entrances? god. i feel like i could slap T'alnoth. i can understand him being happy to be home, but he's a lot different than the character you've shown in every other chapter. does getting wings really change a Dragonkin that much?

i like the scene with R'eyortsed and S'aturinni. it brings up andother question of what will happen when he finds out T'alnoth is still alive. i'm curious as to what R'eyortsed looks like. i have a clear picture in my mind of what you describe him as, but if you could compare it to an animal so that people can imagine it easier and the reader would see the same thing that you do. right now i'm imagining an a combination stegosaurus-ankylosauridae with wings.

good story. although i don't like T'alnoth in this chapter, i look forward to the next where he feels like an ass. which he is being. it really shows that Dragonkin's wings do not make them mature. i mainly look forward to people finding out all the secrets of everyone else and having everything brought to light. again, good chapter. i hope to see more soon.

Lauren Danielle King chapter 1 . 3/16/2006
at first I was really enjoying this, the celestial cookie jar, and the game of the gods and Duffikus had me laughing and I was really enjoying your story,, but it just went on and on... eventually I got bored. I know this is your world, but you've got to present it in a way that will make people want to read it. after reading this, I'm not so sure I want to read more, though I was really into it in the beginning.
HeirOfAthos chapter 38 . 3/13/2006
Good day to you.

Another excellently written chapter. You seem to have corrected the grammatical stuff, as you said. that's good.

So, not much to say.

"undead cadavers"- by definition, is "cadaver" not a dead body? Not a horribly important distinction, but once again, certain things stand out to me.

At the end of this chapter, do you feel that the "voice in the head" telling your character to survive is rather overused? And being found and nursed back to health by frog-men? Hmm... I think you can do better than this.

Happy writing!
Shadowhound chapter 38 . 3/13/2006
wow. thats a great time to hit Dragonkin puberty. looking back, it is a mixture of humorous and serious. i really liked the description at the end. i mean seriously, i had thought you had forgotten about T'alnoth maturing and getting wings. i'm happy to see they finally grew.

and yet, i'm sad to see T'alnoth's love interest go, but you did it splendidly. i thought a spotted an error concerning "M'rani's" age, but i checked over it again and i was wrong. It shows that no matter how hard i look for inconsistencies, you just refuse to show them. ...!

anyway, good chapter. i hope to see more soon.

Casey Drake chapter 38 . 3/13/2006
...M'rani? What... how...?


:) CD
Shadowhound chapter 37 . 3/12/2006
finally back! okay, on to the review.

great chapter, i like the dream T'alnoth has.

my only real complaint is the last scene where you have T'alnot riding a Behemoth. my problem is that you don't give enough information about what is happening other than he is riding a Behemoth, he can't move, and he has never felt more alive. sorry, it is a personal preference, but i just wish you had embellished that a bit more. if something is going to stay with you forever, you aren't going to remember everything, but you will remember how you feel, and i think you could have included more about T'alnoth's feelings.

again, great chapter. i don't want that forgotten when i am trying (horribly) to prove my point.

Casey Drake chapter 37 . 3/10/2006
Sweet. I enjoyed the description here.

I'm also interested in the dream he was having...

:) CD
Shadowhound chapter 36 . 3/8/2006
Hey! you stole my story title! :P

i can understand you wanting to get more exposure by posting you stuff on , and i got curious and went over there to see what kind of stuff they. it was interesing, until i got to the requirements for the library. i hate pg-13. it takes all the fun out of books and movies. i hope you have luck with that, just try not to let its rules affect your writing too much. (honestly, when i was thirteen i was reading stuff that was suitable for college students. why should it matter if kids read something with a little gore and torture in it?

okay, now for the actual review. hm...i wonder how they found out "behemoth" wasn't an accurate term for them?

"then mountain meadows and sparse woods were no problem for him, what with trees and long grass for easy cover." you don't really need the last part about trees and long grass. the reader can figure it out what you mean pretty easily without the additional part after the comma.

you keep on having your characters walking underwater. that is not the easiest thing to do, although it allows you to show T'alnoth with his hand around M'rani's waist. it is easier to slowly swim than it is to walk beneath the waves because the body is naturally buoyant to some degree and if the human body is not areodynamic, i doubt that a Dragonkin would be either.

excellent chapter. i'm curious about the reasons why the ambassador from Gratze has returned, but it doesn't bode well. i also want to hear councillor Regeane talk more. good chapter, i hope to see more soon.

Casey Drake chapter 36 . 3/8/2006
OOhh... now I know what Behemoths are. They're whales. I think. ANYway... cool.

:) CD
XXXXX XXXX XX XXXX XXXXX XXXXX chapter 3 . 3/7/2006
1. Nice opener.

2. I really like the discription. It really helps me feel what's going on, and it doesn't just go on and on and on and on without telling me anything.

3. Somehow, the whole "I want a father to be there!" thing seems almost cliche. Good, but cliche.

4. "...the lizard was around ordering me around." It might be an idea to chance the first around with something else.

Anyway, this seems really interesting so far. :)
XXXXX XXXX XX XXXX XXXXX XXXXX chapter 2 . 3/7/2006
Ah, time to start reading. I'm just writing things down as I go along, in case you're wondering.

1. The quote and the beginning is really deep, thought-provoking and the like. I thought it was a nice way to start a chapter.

2. I know you have a naming system and whatnot, but big long names (or even little short names) with multiple "x"'s or an apostrophe can get kind of blinding to read.

3. This but this story just seems like it's really interesting. I don't even know why. The way you tell stuff, even when it's kinda' just spittin' information, is incredibly intriguing.

So this is really interesting. This is probably the best flippin' prologue I've ever read, in that I certainly want to read more. So, what now? On to the first chapter, of course!
HeirOfAthos chapter 4 . 3/6/2006
Yesterday night, I spent a good twenty minutes reading through a few of your chapters and making notes of what I saw that could use improvement. Well, I forgot that my computer doesn't refresh really well unless I'm clicking on something and forcing it to refresh! So, I clicked on "submit review" and the thing just disconnected on me. Dag nabbit. I was too pissed to try to re-do the long thing in one night, and this happened to be the ONLY time when I don't copy down an overlong review before trying to submit it! Since I'm not as annoyed today, I'll just go over a few things.

To the person who doesn't know poetry: ranting is acceptable for a while until you just get plain anal. Then it's slightly humorous. After even longer periods of time, it's just dumb. Give it a break, what else can you expect from an archdemond?

I've been reading many works of fiction, trying to make this site a better place to be. Bad literature is painful, but if the author isn't notified about their mistakes, bad literature stays bad literature. So, I've taken sweeping reforms to learn a little bit more about language and whatnot. One thing I generally seem to notice from story to story is the cliched scene. Very annoying, especially because I'm guilty of it at times. Second thing: appositive use and dangling modifiers! Ohmeegee, this could easily be the first thing. I don't want to point fingers (brandishes 'liar' sign) but... uh... I'll do it anyway.

(Example 1) "Uncomfortably standing beside him in the small settlement he and his kind had built from nothing, my arms ached..."

-The problem here is, I assume that you want to use the appositive ("Uncomfortably standing") in order to refer to the speaker ("I"). However, your antecedent is ambiguous, and it really stands out because by rearranging the appositive, you end up with "My arms, uncomfortably standing..., ached..." I don't think your speaker's arms are doing the standing.

(Example 2) "Loaded with considerably more goods than when it had set out, the return trip [1] would take considerably[2] longer"-[1] Problem: same old. What is loaded with considerably more goods? Your apparent antecedent is the return trip, not the caravan. -[2] You used "considerably" twice in one sentence. Not much of a crime, but it is an unnecessary relative term. And, I'm not sure one has to "consider" a lot in order to deduce that bulkier wagon - more goods - longer travel time. But, your choice.

(Example 3) Excessively long sentences and comma splice"Zh’ess had insisted on my accompanying the tithe-collection ...[1], on the grounds that since I was to ascend to the throne of Overlord in not too long, it would be desirable for me to learn how to effectively relate to other races, and that the werewolves whom lived upon our land would be good practice, being already friendly to us and forgiving if I made any slip-ups"

-I won't bother with labeling any more stuff. My point is, there are far too many commas. As I pointed out in my last review, hideous comma splices. You're allowed to use semicolons, and especially periods. Don't be paranoid of having short choppy sentences (don't worry, your sentences have much too much content) and string too much crap together to form a run-on. You suffer from the same problem with your description of the lycanthropy.

I'm primarily pointing out the things that might interfere with one's reading ease. Of course, I'm not saying that the rest of this work is flawless. I just don't want to repeat myself overly, and some things aren't that important. I'll return to point out a few more things in the future.
Casey Drake chapter 35 . 3/6/2006

Don't answer that, because I know you won't.

ANYway... interesting. Who's the owner of the huge eye? *leans forward in anticipation*

:) CD
Shadowhound chapter 35 . 3/6/2006
yes, the kids do grow up without us even realizing it. soon they'll be off to college, and then off on an adventure of their own. my problem with the "puny mortals" was that W'rmthalak was mortal. why would he mock his past? he isn't a god, almost everyone he knows/knew is mortal. unless it is sarcasm it doesn't make sense.

i can understand why Dragonkin would need wings to mate in the sky, and even in the water it would help for speed, but with the ability to swim it does not seem absolutely necessary. also, how much time has passed since T'alnoth and his motherR'eyortsed entered the Den?

okay, now for the actual review. i like that little song in the beginning. "A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!" or in this case, a nail.

when you say that The Damned can't lie, it reminds me forcibly of "For Love of Evil" by Piers Anthony. The demons have a similar thing where only Satan can truly lie to people, the demons can only lie if Satan gives them permission. although, while they couldn't lie, nothing stopped them from not telling the whole truth.

i like the ending. i'm racking my brains for who R'eyortsed's quarry is, but no one in particular comes to mind. I'm curious about what he will do if he finds out T'alnoth is alive. hope to read more soon.

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