|Reviews for BOOK 1: White Rose: The Legend of Sacrifice|
| Technological Musician chapter 1 . 1/17/2010
Great so far! Can't wait to read more!
| TheJoeman chapter 24 . 4/7/2009
Wow, I've had this faved for months now, but I've only just got around to reading the whole thing and WOW.
You've done a great job, I wish I could make my chapters as long as you do yours.
The story was a little confusing at times, but within a chapter or two they're usually explained.
Also, I like the fact you didn't make the shonen-ai aspect the main part of the story- I'm not actually a fan of shonen-ai, but I found the rest of the story interesting enough to read, and you managed to add that aspect into the story without it going into OTT fangirl mode (apart from Hillary )
You did a great job, and I look forward to reading Yellow Rose.
*Runs off to start reading Yellow Rose*
| diana chapter 24 . 5/8/2007
haha demonese. they should teach that at my school. sounds useful when battling people in a faraway world. i keep laughing thinking when he calls addy linford. it's just too weird. not a cool enough ancient name. :P man, i forgot all about eddie. destiny talks about chris so much that i don't even remember eddie.
| Shdwphoenix chapter 20 . 9/20/2006
Hey, it's me again. And for future reference, I'm a girl. I'm glad you didn't take offense to my criticism last time, so I've decided to offer some more. Again, I hope to convey it all as gently as possible, and if I hurt your feelings, feel welcome to torment that voodoo doll created in my likeness. Preferably on a Tuesday. I have no classes on Tuesdays.
This was a much better chapter than your earlier ones, but there's still room for improvement. I'll try to go through as many as I can.
["It happened once when I was about to be engage to someone when I was 11. Luckily, after I had that mental breakdown in my room, my family changed their minds, blaming it on the family my suppose fiance came from."] It should be [engaged] and [supposed]. You might have missed them if you've only caught those phrases by ear, but since those two words are adjectives, you need the -ed part.
[Even though Adam couldn't see auras, he could tell that Nancy was calm but excited at the same time. Her shoulders were relaxed and Adam could see a shadow of a smile, seeing how he was right behind her.]How can you see someone's smile if you're walking behind them? XD And I noticed that you already used 'shadow of a smirk' before, so perhaps you could've used a different word in place of 'shadow' here. Maybe... 'ghost of a smile'? 'Hint of a smile'? Just options you could consider.
[Nancy turned around and was slammed against a stone pillar, having been hit by Kyohaku's fist. Nancy was about to hit the ground when she slowed down her fall by using the wind. She turned around to see that Kyohaku was about to hit her with his katana. She quickly called upon her ice sword and blocked the attack.]I'm not very good at writing fights myself, so this ain't solid advice, but I think your action scenes would flow a lot better if you varied the way you began your sentences. This ties back to my first review when I mentioned a 'choppy' feeling caused by beginning sentences with he or she all the time. Here, you began four consecutive sentences with a name or he/she, which also creates a clipped effect. Play around with the way your sentences are arranged. You could end up with something like:[Nancy turned around just in time to see Kyohaku's fist flying at her body. It plowed into her, slamming her against a stone pillar, and she dropped to the ground. Right before contact, she used the wind to slow her fall, and had just steadied herself when she noticed Kyohaku preparing a deadly strike with his katana. Quickly calling upon her ice sword, Nancy blocked the attack.]I don't think my version is much better, but there you go. .
[Destiny was hovering above Shikyo, the ninja throwing shurikens and kunais at her but missing them.]I'm not Japanese so I don't know for sure, but I don't believe Japanese-derived words add 's' to make them plural. One shuriken, one kunai, one shinobi. Three shuriken, three kunai, three shinobi. No 's' needed.
By the way, is Shikyo inspired by Naruto? XD
["Nancy, do you think Eddie, Diana, and Kyle will be alright?" Adam asked softly, walking by my right side.]My right side? Nancy's right side?
I think those are the most important points. The rest are a couple typos and a tendency to run your words together ([thatgreenery] for example). Getting an editor for your story might help with those kinds of errors...
By the way, I loved the part where they were trying to remember Shikyo's name. It made me grin. _ What does a baddie have to do around here to be remembered?
I hope I helped a little. Please continue your story! You can only improve the more you write!
| shannaro chapter 19 . 7/14/2006
I'm astonished. You changed your pen name again. It confused me at first when I checked my e-mail.. Anway, it's interesting how I was holding a cherry blossom (sakura!) and then...i was plucking all the petals off or something? Oh the horror! I'm a flower monster. It feels like Destiny is always dramatic in this and probably every story wihch scares me since Destiny is being wayy too overdramatic to be normal but since she isn't normal then I guess it is acceptable. Wow, I haven't been on fictionpress for a really, really, and i mean REALLY long time..feels like ages...it is ages.. i'm too obsessed with fanfiction that i completely left fp and transfer to ...obsessed in a good way i meant.. D Sprite? What happened to 7-Up? Or Coke? Or Destiny's favorite Mountain Dew...in the DIET kind! hahahaha. On a last note, I like to tell you that I like the chpater cover very much. Ed, Des, and Adam aka Tammy aka Tommy aka weirdo in animal costumes...*sighs in happiness*...what a glorious day...especially since someone gave me two virtual cookies in a review...*going off to munch virtual cookies*
p.s. *pushes des off the couch she is hogging* -Grins evilly-
| astromantic spin chapter 19 . 7/14/2006
Destiny decided to sign in (for no reason whatsoever)
Okay, Nancy. I am here to give an amazing review to you. Actually, there's only one thing I want to review on. Is that when you write dialogue sometimes it's rather confusing. I dunno, it just is (like who's saying it and everything).
Oh and like shdwphoenix said. You should spread out descriptions about everyone.
| shannaro chapter 18 . 5/21/2006
-steps on eddie- up and down up and down up and down. haha
| Shdwphoenix chapter 1 . 4/30/2006
I only read the first chapter because frankly, I don't like shounen-ai (and you did warn us so nicely ), but I still feel inclined to leave some advice on your writing techniques.
Just keep in mind that all I suggest is based on my personal opinion. It is criticism, yes, but it's gentle criticism, and if you don't agree with me you're more than welcome to ignore my review and create a voodoo doll in my likeness.
First, I felt rather overwhelmed by the sudden introduction of characters. There were only three of them at first, I know, but the thing is, to me their personalities are so similar it's difficult to tell them apart unless I pay excruciating detail to the names. And since they're all rather short names, it's just a bit of a headache for me.
Second, I wouldn't recommend shoving character description on readers like you did at the beginning of the first chapter. It's like the literary equivalent of being thrown headlong into a brick wall. I understand that hair and eye color, jewelry, and other distinguishing marks are important, but instead of directly telling the readers that 'Johnny had black hair with silver studs and a skull necklace as well as three blood-red rings on his left index finger', you could mention that Johnny had black hair with silver studs, wait three paragraphs, then mention that he 'tapped on the counter with a finger adorned with three blood-red rings', and several more paragraphs down have him say "My mom doesn't like my skull necklace. She says it gives people the wrong idea." That way, you gradually introduce physical characteristics using different methods: narration describing a character, narration describing an action, and character speech.
Sometimes I feel that your writing gets a little choppy. I suspect it might be mostly when you start several consecutive sentences with 'he', 'she', 'it', or a name. Unless you're purposely trying to achieve that effect (I know I shoot for that a few times), it's best to vary how you begin a sentence. Instead of saying 'He stormed down the hallway, fuming, and entered his room. He slammed the door.' you might write 'He stormed down the hallway, fuming, and entered his room. The door was closed with considerable force.' There's a slightly different effect there when the door is the focus of attention rather than the guy.
You don't have to justify yourself in your story. I'm referring to your comment about the cafe and to your decision to switch to a bunch of first-person PoVs. If you want to explain, use parentheses and an author's note. Otherwise, you're giving the narrator a personality, as if he or she can have a cafe obsession. From my experience, the narrator in a third-person story has no personality to claim. It can embody the feelings and thoughts of other characters, but it doesn't exist as its own person in a story. Does that sort of make sense?
Lastly, always try to proofread your chapter before you post. I'm not demanding perfection, but when I notice 'A sapphire teardrop shaped connected by a small chain about half a centermeter long' it gives me the impression that the author(ess) was writing a little too fast.
Remember, this is gentle criticism, not flaming. I apologize if you're offended, and if that's the case, feel free to hate me. Everything I said is my opinion and humble advice. Take it or not.
| Destiny chapter 17 . 3/11/2006
I never reviewed? I am such an idiot. DONT agree with that. Anyway, moving on. My part was short. Same cover as last time. Can't wait for next chapter.
| Around.about chapter 1 . 3/10/2006
interesting so far...
| shannaro chapter 17 . 3/7/2006
just to tell you, the cover of this chapter is the same as the cover in the previous chapter. LOL. interesting chapter..
| Destiny chapter 16 . 2/26/2006
Finally, Chapter 15. My part is short as hell, why do I have to cry huh? Over Adam? Gods, the Ikeda family is confusing.
| shannaro chapter 16 . 2/26/2006
no! i'm getting my ass kicked by a friggin ten year old? oh, i'm so humiliated. lol. post next chapter soon! and my part is longer than des' part! HAHAHA!
| shannaro chapter 15 . 2/7/2006
OMG! i'm 27! OMG! i'm pregnent? no wait.. i'm in LABOR? I BEAT UP ALL THE DOCTORS AND NURSES WHILE I WAS IN LABOR? LMAO. AND YOU DELIVERED MY BABY? this is a weird illusion world. this is so wrong... i have a baby boy... i wanted a girl. *sigh* my little son, Ken is a perv. he called someone a henu...whatever that is... eddie and des are married... kill ME plz. LOL. nice story btw. oh yea.. one more thing.. on this chapter's cover... WHY DA HELL IS DES LEANING ON ME? GET HER OFFA ME! PLZ! LMAO. I SHOULD BE WACKING HER ON THE HEAD WITH THE ROSE. OR CALLING A CRACKHEAD... hehehehe...
| Destiny chapter 15 . 1/29/2006
YES THANK THE LORD YOU POSTED !my child is an evil little boy, i swear... and... Adam died. That's just wrong, and I couldn't save him ! NO. why is it my fault?