|Reviews for Chain Link Violence|
| sophiesix chapter 1 . 6/10/2009
I agree with 'sloppy first', it ended at just the right moment. As much as I liked the couple, and how sweet they were together, you'd been building up to a kind of R&J ending (though thats sounds crass to my ears. It wasn't obvious/crass). it just seemed, natural, perfect. I thought teh sex scene was a lovely intense highlight of their relationship - the dialogue and their closeness was lovely too, but teh sex scene kinda provided them with a necessary...[cringe] climax [where is my vocabulary today? sorry. but you get what i mean] before the end. I like how Dana is torn between trying to go to the hospital and make things better, and yet also sort of seeming to know their time together is limited. Maybe, i suppose maybe, you could have done a bit more with that, but as it is it still fantastic. Congrats.
| WhisperInTheDark chapter 1 . 5/10/2008
that was a great place to end it, but i wish you would do more on the characters. maybe another oneshot or something! Love the story... cant wait for future ones!
| serirjid chapter 1 . 9/15/2007
I like this chapter alot I hope you will keep writing it.
| Aella88 chapter 1 . 12/25/2005
I like this piece a lot. It's really intense. There wera few grammar/spelling mistakes but when you're typing that's normal. This story may be a short one shot, but you have packed a lot of emotion into it, and it is a pretty good depiction of the danger of gang violence. That's something many people to day deal with.
| Sadistic-Cathi chapter 1 . 12/16/2005
Aw I love it you're a great writer!
| amavian chapter 1 . 12/14/2005
| shifterchik chapter 1 . 12/11/2005
Wow, this is an amazing piece. I don't know if you're going to add to it, but either way it's wonderful, and I applaud.
| Simplycity chapter 1 . 12/10/2005
goodness, so well written and descriptive. and such a sad ending to something beautiful...
| Naga-chan-in-wonderland chapter 1 . 12/8/2005
Oh. Fabulous. I love the description, especially the lights. This kept me rapt and at attention until the end.
| Serendipity Pierce-Clarke chapter 1 . 12/8/2005
*le gasp* please, continue..dude..oh, wow. nicely written. very strong, very sad.
| Paramour-ing chapter 1 . 12/4/2005
its very you though different from the rest of youre stuff.
| Gilee7 chapter 1 . 12/4/2005
-The fluorescent blue light was still on Dana’s palm when she left through the front door of her parents Seattle apartment.- Nifty opening sentence, but you need to show possession on "parents"
-"Dana” Pete had said over the phone, “you gatta come quick, get down here, he’s hurt bad.”- There needs to be a comma after "Dana." And I like the way everything is so mysterious in the beginning of this story. You raise a lot of questions very early on, and that's definately a great way to capture the interest of the readers and make them want to read on.
-Dana didn’t look over, she knew that people we’re there and that some of them we’re watching her.- This problem occurs like 50 million times throughout this story. You have "we're" when it should be "were." "We're" means "we are."
-“Got any money baby girl?”- Should be a comma after "money." And I wish you had taken more time with this little situation here with the would-be robber. She runs away, but it would've been nice if you had made it more suspenseful. Like the guy could've chased after her or she could've heard his footsteps echoing behind her or all sorts of things. The more suspense the more entertaining the story is.
-There was a lamp in the corner, casting more shadows then light but through it Dana could see that his eyes we’re open.- *were*
-the hairs on his breast bones were red with dried blood.- I thought we only have ONE breast bone.
-“Its too dangerous.”- *It's*
-“Pete why don’t you take Dana outside, I’ll be there in a minute.”- Need a comma after "Pete" and instead of a comma after "outside" it would probably be better as a period or semi-colon.
-Before she left Dana kissed Lathrop again, right in front of The Doctor, which she had never done before.- Comma after "left"
- She was standing beside Monty and Danny who looked hurt to but not as bad as Lathrop- *too* not "to"
-he was so sweet, Dana thought, to sweet to hold a knife in his hand.- The "to" between "sweet" should be "too" instead.
-Lathrop drove into the posh neighborhoods of downtown Seattle and parked across the street from Macaw Hall where ballet’s and opera’s were performed- Don't need the apostrophes on "ballets and operas."
-Blue, green, and purple lights that faded into the texture of the glass like water and colored the streets around it.- This was one of the things I really liked about this story; your use of color. From the opening sentence with the blue fluorescent light to these array of lights in this scene and during their ... backseat interaction.
-“Lathrop,” she sighed, “look at you?- This girl seems to ask things in question form when most people would say them as a simple statement. I've noticed this several times now. I don't know if it's the character or you, the author.
-He was silent again; she knew that raised voices we’re no good to him, he shut them out and waited.- *were*
-green fell on them light rain.- This reads fine almost, because "light" sounds so much like "like." But this is still an error. Need the word "like" before "light."
-before he entered her she always closed her eyes and relived their first time together. That summer by the lake when with skittish hands she had pushed him up against a tree in the woods and whispered into his ear. She would never forget the feeling of his hands under her buttock, holding her up against that tree as they moved together for the first time.- Quite an odd and interesting "first time."
-He took a deep breath; she could feel that he was already hard: “Don’t worry about me”- There's no punctuation on the end of that.
-Dana had to bit her lip to keep her need for him inside.- *bite*
-“Here, get dressed,” he said handing her, her clothes.- Missplaced comma; it should be after "said" and not "her."
-“Why bother” she said wrapping her arms around him, “It’ll be light in less then an hour.”- Shouldn't that be a question mark on the end of "bother?" There should at least be some type of punctutaion. And "then" should be "than."
-They saw the flash of white from the headlights and could feel the music boom louder; it was so loud now that Dana couldn’t hear herself breath.- *breathe* And I love the "flash of white" as it brings back the heavy use of colors throughout this story, and also it could be seen as symbolic, too, signifying that perhaps Lathrop and Dana will be seeing their own bright white light at the end of a tunnel.
This story had WAY too many technical errors. I pointed out a ton, and yet there were many, many more that I just let slide. Mostly missing commas. You gotta do a better job proofreading your work.
I wasn't too excited to see the two characters have sex. I was actually disappointed when I saw it was heading in that direction. I'm not sure if it was necessary or not. Not to that extent. You did show their love for one another, but I think you could've done it some other way. I think sex should only be written in detail when absolutely necessary. Although you did a good job with it still; it was well-written. Sex seems to be a very easy way for an author to show off their writing skills as it can be written in so many ways.
I recently had an e-mail exchange with solideogloria. Usually when there is any type of sexual scene in one of my stories, she'll skip over it. With my last one, "Anything," she skimmed over it first, saw the sex scene, and then told me she wouldn't read it because of that. Which is disappointing, but I understand. I wrote her an e-mail talking about how and why I write sex scenes sometimes. They're never meaningless. They're never there just to be there; they always have meaning, and I write them to have whatever effect I wish to have on the readers. Like in the two stories of mine that you've read, the sex scene was described in more detail because what was happening was very bad, and to write it in that way, I thought, would make a greater impact on the readers. Especially with my last story, it written to be digusting; I wanted readers to cringe. If I had just said, "They have sex." then it wouldn't have had that effect. But like when two characters in love "make love" I don't see why that should be described in heavy detail. To me, it doesn't really gain anything then. When writing those type of situations, I've stayed away from detail, and I've allowed the characters some privacy. It still has the proper effect on the readers without seeming like porn or something.
Toward the beginning of this story I was thinking Dana was dating Pete. It really seemed that way at first. I like the suspense of this story and how everything is slowly revealed. You created a very vivid and touching scene. The interaction between Lathrop and Dana could've been stronger, though, I felt. I would've liked to have seen more of a romantic intimacy between them rather than just sex; and more dialogue as well.
I absolutely love the ending, though. It's perfect. The story goes out with a bang ... literally. It's a true cliffhanger, and it only leaves even more questions in the minds of the reader. People won't want the story to end then; they'll be like "but what happens next? do they survive?" And that's the kind of reaction you want to leave on them.
Overall, nice job. With the exception of the many techinical mistakes, this was a strong and well-written story. Very engaging as well.
| BlackDreamLily chapter 1 . 12/2/2005
Wow. Intense. I like the idea. reminds me of a better version of the West-Side Story! What happens next?
| Theory Of The 4th Dimension chapter 1 . 11/29/2005
Awesome details. Good of you to combine a romantic with a gritty gangsta environment. And a cool hanging ending as well.
"...where the cement acted as beds to the homeless, and the back wall of the parking lot was where men and women fell asleep...", this statement is a bit long. There's a smoother way to write this.
"“Got any money baby girl?”, I think this would be better if it was more slang.
Very suspenseful and interesting. I like it. Very well-written. Hardly any errors at all that I can see.
| claudio vismund chapter 1 . 11/23/2005
wow...umm...i'd really like to talk to you me a line (i like to say that to sound obstinent(SP). It makes me giggle.)
Seriously, Email me if ya want