|Reviews for My Own Version of Sleeping Beauty|
| Moppish chapter 1 . 11/25/2005
Yeah. I don't get it. Here's what:
1. She lies to a guy to try and get away from him, and he physically tries to stop her, not listening to her protests... and yet she really hopes that she'll see him again.
2. Her job pays well... but she doesn't have much money. You mentioned that but you didn't explain it. You just drew attention to your own illogical point. And it almost sounds like her teaching job payed better, which is very unlikely.
3. Just because she has a major in literature doesn't make it logical (even with the "incident") that she would do a secretary's work, which takes no degree whatsoever. If you said, despite the fact she had a degree in literature, that would make more sense.
This is just something you might want to change. "Aaron worked for Mr. MacAfee because she couldn’t get a job anywhere had had a job at a nearby university teaching literature, but due a certain incident, she was deemed a danger to the students." That's at the end, when at the beginning you say, "Aaron had a degree in literature, but due to an episode she had at a local university, they wouldn’t hire her, so she was stuck fixing grammatical errors in her bosses letters and presentations." You basically said the same thing twice and you really don't need to do that.
One thing I noticed, which I do too but I'm trying to stop, is constructing most of your sentences the same way. You start with a subject and immediately put in the verb, and then the rest of the sentence, almost every time. Instead, you could start with a modifier, or put in some complex compound sentences, etc.
Despite my negative feedback, I am interested in seeing where this is going. Aaron's character seems interesting and complex, which is good. I'm curious as to what her "incident" was and why she cried herself to sleep. And I like the angry boss idea. He really does seem like a jerk. Maybe work a little on Phillip's character. I didn't see why Aaron was interested in him, and that should be clear. Update soon, and feel free to email me about any of the things I've said. My goal is not to discourage you.
| theysayshannon chapter 1 . 11/25/2005
It sounds like you have an idea of where you want to go this, which is great.
However, I think that your sentances need to flow more. Everything is a bit too choppy and sometimes you seem to repeat things. Even if you said it once at the beginning and then at the end it still sounds odd.
But otherwise, good job. Maybe try to make your words flow, this is a version Sleeping Beauty - make it portray her beautiness no matter how sad she is. The words should flow. Good Luck!
(And if you don't mind, please stop by and R&R My story; Carina and The Fairy Crystals!) Thanks.
| Lazarus Deliard chapter 1 . 11/25/2005
Let me give you a piece of advice. The sleeping beauty/cinderella cliche is overused and boring. Try writing an all-original fic and then maybe, just maybe, I will be impressed.
| Infection chapter 1 . 11/25/2005
aw. this was one of the best stuff ive read tonight.