|Reviews for Crimson Revolutions|
| GilanSalehi chapter 7 . 7/1/2007
Another good prison chapter. I wonder when the guys are going to show up to spring him. I was figuring they'd do it this chapter, but I guess not.
At the beginning there's some awkward wording, though. The first sentence is weird, you should probably end it after "that I noticed" and begin another to finish the thought. The beginning of the third paragraph is also a little awkward. You say, "Whenever I had stopped meditating, I would often think to myself." Try something like, "When I wasn't meditating, I often thought about when I would go insane."
Those are the only two problems I see here.
Holly is an interesting character. I wonder if Jecht will ever get his revenge...
Anyway, I have to go now. I'll get to the other chapter some other time. Overall, this story is looking good. I'm eager to read more.
| GilanSalehi chapter 6 . 7/1/2007
This switch of perspective seems a little quite given the fact that we just finished getting used to vincent's point of view, but the quality of this chapter makes up for it.
You're a master of the first person, something which I could never get the hang of. You use the characters' inner thoughts and opinions to tell worlds about them, and I feel like I get to know them really quickly.
This chapter was a perfect demonstration. You let the reader begin with a stereotype in mind, but by the fourth paragraph (meditation) this character is deep and unique. You portray both faces, his quiet, meditative side and his violent side. I really like Jecht.
The last paragraph of this chapter is good as well. It's really sobering and tells the reader exactly how Jecht views his imprisonment, while also showing that he's more reserved and reflective than the face he presents to the rest of the world.
Bravo. On to chapter 7...
| GilanSalehi chapter 5 . 6/19/2007
I'll go over the two grammar things first: you say "Fayth had went out..." when you probably mean "Fayth had gone out..."
Also, you say, "She had often chose to..." when it should be either "She had often chosen to..." or, (in my opinion, slightly better) "She often chose to..."
An interesting reversal of perspective to Vincent's point of view. When you speak from Vincent's first person take on the situation, I like the way your prose style changes-it's very subtle, but it really feels like Vincent is talking, instead of the author.
I guess not much happened in this chapter, plot-wise, but Fayth's leadership position is becoming more apparent and now it's more clear why she is so important to the success or failure of the Revolution movement. Keep up the good work!
| GilanSalehi chapter 4 . 6/19/2007
Action! Good description of the brief fight scene outside the shuttle. One thing that bothered me was that you used the same metaphor to describe the same situation twice in a relatively short span. You've used "staccato" to describe gunfire twice, and while it is a very good word to describe gunfire, there are literally thousands of words that could describe it, so mix it up a bit. On the bright side though, that one word is the chapter's only shortfall.
One thing you did really well was Davan's transition as a character from being a captive to a comrade-temporarily, of course. It had a really natural feeling, and it wasn't contrived, like one sees in a lot of other stories. Good job with the verisimilitude (yay for verbosity).
I also like the way you characterize the individuals though their dialogue. I feel almost as if I know Vincent from a couple of sarcastic cracks that he made and his ability to perform well under pressure. I like the way that you show his character instead merely telling it. Same with Davan and Fayth.
Keep up the good work.
| GilanSalehi chapter 3 . 6/19/2007
Nice. You give out bits of information that only enhance the depth of the mystery. I like that style. I get the feeling that Davan has some sympathy for the rebels, recognizing their sacrifice as 'noble.'
It seemed a little quick for a battle to start, because I didn't really get the impression that he had been in the building for a long time, but I guess he had been (you say that the sun was setting-good description, especially when it's contrasted with the scene of battle in the foreground).
The information in this chapter makes me think that Fayth was one of the key founding members of the rebellion, which would certainly make it realistic that her death would cause the collapse of the movement. What I originally thought to be a little cliche has turned out to be an interesting mystery.
I read on, in search of answers...
Keep up the good work
| GilanSalehi chapter 2 . 6/19/2007
This story is off to a quick and quite interesting start. My only complaint is that Fayth is the key to winning or losing the war. I find that hard to believe, at least without further explanation. Sure, there are demagogues like Hitler or figures with key symbolic importance like Muadib from the Dune series, who carry a movement on their shoulders and have such a symbolic importance to that movement that without it, the movement would crumble and fail. However, Fayth isn't presented as such a revolutionary. She doesn't lead the entire revolution, she leads a special ops team of five soldiers.
Anyway, I should hesitate to criticize too much, because the question opens some very interesting possibilities. I'd like to see where you take this.
Only one grammatical issue that I'd like to mention: "With that said he had turned around and disappeared..." is a little awkward. Try: "With that said, he turned around and disappeared..." The comma might not be entirely necessary, but it breaks up the sentence and makes it easier to understand.
Good work, so far. On to the next chapter...
| biminator chapter 7 . 1/21/2006
enjoyed this chapter as well. There were a few spots where the language got a little matter-of-fact, and it made it a bit choppy. of course, I often have a similar problem, so I guess I shouldn'y be talking. update soon.
P.S.: Thanks for the review.
| biminator chapter 6 . 1/18/2006
The POV changes keep the story going nicely, and I especially liked the last chapter. the part about him beating up the guard was perfect. update soon.
| biminator chapter 4 . 1/18/2006
I like the use of journalism as a cover. you've still got me.
| biminator chapter 3 . 1/18/2006
This is pretty engaging. It's a well-worn idea, and there's going to be plenty of chances for you to lose me in cliches, but if you keep going the way you've been going, I'm likely to stick with it.
There was just one thing that I didn't understand. At one point, you say that the resistance didn't exist three years ago, then you mention its founding sixteen years before. how old is this movement?
anyways, I'm off to read the rest.
| Master Chief chapter 2 . 12/2/2005
Post more. I'm a little sad you only stopped with giving a little info on Fayth and not the rest of Titan Unit. I'll reserve judgement on the story until i see where all of this goes, but i'm liking it so far.
Your grammar could use some touching up here and there, but that's expected with the nanowrimo entry.
Again, Post More!
| Master Chief chapter 1 . 11/28/2005
teaser! teaser! post more now!