|Reviews for Shadows|
| Alankria chapter 1 . 5/11/2006
Greetings, oh lady of the 200th review for Painted Angels! *dances* I am so glad to have hit the 200 mark, it makes me feel so loved!
*cough* Anyway, onto your story!
The first line makes me realise that you really like your long eyelashes, don't you? It's by no means a bad thing (I wish I had lovely long lashes), it's just something I've noticed.
"for my soul had been wounded and needed time to sob and breath in the redeeming air of the night." - Should be 'breathe' not 'breath'. I think I've noticed this mistake in other of your works, so in case you're still confused: 'breathe' is the verb, the action of breathing (I breathe, you breathe, he/she/it breathes, etc). A 'breath' is the noun, the thing you do. I imagine that the plural of 'breath' would be 'breaths' - I'm about ninety percent confident of that, but I'm totally sure about the rest.
"It felt cold and cool, and delightfully dirty." - M, something about this really appeals to me. I think it's because I know this exact feeling.
Wow. There was something really powerful about this. There normally is with your stuff - scratch that, there *always* is with your stuff - but as always it still managed to blow me away. I feel so strongly for the narrator, her pain, her heart, everything went rushing through me as I read this. Very well done!
In response to your reviews: (1) I've never heard of 'I Love Lucy' before. While this could be because I don't watch TV, it's more likely to be that it's not aired over here. I named the bar in the story 'The Watering Hole' because this world is based on Africa and that's where the animals go to drink. It just fits so nicely. (2) Umm, can't think of any other response, other than a bit thank you once more for giving me my 200th review! Only one more chapter and you're caught up. Guess I better start writing the next chappy!
| rrmehta364 chapter 1 . 4/18/2006
"My eyelashes, soaked and bunching with my tears," : I think that should be bunched. Twould make it more parralel with the rest of the sentence.
I think the rest of the first paragraph sounds a little too angsty for my liking.
"and needed time to sob and breath in the redeeming air of the night." : I think there should be an I after the and.
"It felt cold and cool, and delightfully dirty." : I like the sentence. Tis very pretty.
"Warms hands caressed my eyelids," : how does one go about caressing eyelids?
"and my lips were lost in the passionate haven of others." : the word others is a little vague. Do you mean someone elses, or something to that effect?
Strange how you describe haven as shadowy. Overall, I must say this was a very poetic piece. I liked it quite a bit, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Oh, and welcome back. I'm a bit jealous because it seems your summer has already started, but looking forward to reading more.
p.s- I've posted a story that I think I'll actually stick to.
| S.J. Alexander chapter 1 . 1/19/2006
Hi, thanks for the review, and sorry I took so long to reply ... and I couldn't actually find anywhere to reply so I figured I'd reply and review at the same time :)
First (just to get it out of the way) the reply:
Yes, the correction is quite right, it was a first draft and I probably didn't check it well enough :)
I personally think that Holden in Rye is fantastic, though the book always affects me really badly when I read it, but I didn't really set out to make the piece anything really specific. To be honest, it was more of a case of "this is a scene I'm imagining right now, and wishing you (a certain girl [yes, shh]) could see me in. Terrible, I know.
This isn't the kind of thing that I normally write, though, and although I may do something similar in the future, this kind of fragmenty writing doesn't really feel like it leads itself to much continuation to me. Does that sound odd? It's a very *now*, in the present kind of thing. Yeah, it sounds odd.
Anyway, onto your piece.
I picked this one almost completely at random, partly because it was stated as not being all happy, but mostly because you stated that it pretty much wrote itself. Which I think that mine did, so there was a bit of kinship there between the two. Also not all happy means conflict, and conflict makes things interesting.
Overall I like what I've read; the descriptiveness - the soil is still clinging to my thoughts - and the immediate sudden soaring of spirits when someone comes to make everything well again, that nothing could possibly wrong if they just stay.
However I think that the piece would lend itself well to being extended a little bit more; exploring the first half in more depth perhaps. We've only just begun to grasp the sadness and desolation, and then it is lifted before we've come to fully appreciate it.
And I'm going to stop now, because I have a terrible tendancy to write novel-long comments. Sorry about that :) Also I didn't read other people's comments, so if anything was repeated, ah well.
Thanks again for the review!
| boys kiss girls chapter 1 . 1/10/2006
This is so powerful because of the description in it. Its nice to see someone write with conviction.
| Diretto Vertigo chapter 1 . 1/10/2006
Wow, the imagery in this is just amazing. Keep up the great work!
| Joelle Duran chapter 1 . 1/3/2006
Love the description in this piece-especially all the feeling: cold, wet, warm. Very nicely done, beautiful and stirring, and what a wrenching ending!
| Faerie Tales chapter 1 . 12/11/2005
*Dreamy sigh* An angel? That was so beautiful. Beautiful enough to be a favorite story... and it really captivated me. The imagery was well-written, and there weren't any awkward moments where I wasn't certain what was going on. The description of a warm being was so well-done... and I see a lot of symbolism here... or a metaphore to God, angels, love, etc. Though there is no proof it exists, and all you have is blind faith, there is a *knowing* of sorts that there is something.
...heh... okay... that was me talking without actually saying anything... I think the word for that is floccinaucinihilipilification... at least... that's the phonetic spelling. I'm serious, too... I learned that from my English teacher.
Anyway... Thank you for your review. I need constructive critisism badly, and it's always a huge compliment to get a review explaining how to improve, rather than a 'good job' or 'omg u shud totally update'. Thanks!
| An-Author-At-Heart chapter 1 . 12/11/2005
A very nice short piece of writing. There's a tone of myster in this, that's dark and deep. It was well-written, the descriptions were fantastic. Oh, and thanks so much on your review of "Down the Well". The suggestions helped!
| SliversofSilverPain chapter 1 . 12/10/2005
This is so sad. Heartwrenching. I want to pick up this lonely one, to hold them, just to warm them. Beautiful, haunting. But sad. Well written!
| Count of Casualty chapter 1 . 12/9/2005
This is beautiful! Wow, I can see the imagery and everything, it's just beautiful!
| forever-blues chapter 1 . 12/8/2005
I just love reading short peices of writings and your writing so much better than mine. a strong and solid piece. Love it :D
| vampiric-happenings chapter 1 . 12/7/2005
i really liked it! ur writing is very good. it was very deep. sorry i could not understand ur other poem. i m not very good at it. _
| blessed-dragon chapter 1 . 12/3/2005
That is very beautifully dark...it's very simple and yet the ending of it is complex. It's a tad bit depressing, too. You do write very well, though. Your story really roped me in and I enjoyed it immensely.