|Reviews for Sunset|
| PandasAreCute chapter 1 . 8/31/2007
Really sweet piece, I love how you've connected the sunset and her. I think God should have a capital, but that's just my preference. I think it's a really captivating piece and you really make the reader feel and understand what you're feeling. I love the ending, I think it's prefect. Good work!
| pete's sake delete the account chapter 1 . 8/30/2007
Hello again M.C.,
Personally, I'd prefer it if you'd capitalize God, but that's just my style.
Some of these lines are pause-worthy, like the wind dying in your sails and divine strokes of color. By pause-worthy... well, have you ever read a poem and been so amazed by the perfect phrasing of something that it made you pause? That's what I mean.
I have a question about the last stanza. Do you mean you never again wished for the sunrise the way you used to? If so, your phrasing is perfect. Otherwise, if you mean you have never since wanted the sun to rise as badly as you did then, you might want to change it.
Anyway, I have no real suggestions. It's poetry. Poetry is so different from prose, it's like comparing a cloud to a bird. It just doesn't work. I can't think of anything that needs changing or anything this poem lacks. Honestly, M.C., I love it.
| RuathaWehrling chapter 1 . 3/30/2006
Greetings! I'm just wasting some time on FP and decided to check this out. I'll comment as I read...
1.) "i watched the sunset / and along with it / hopeful aspirations" - Do you really want to say that you WATCHED "aspirations" (etc)? Maybe you might consider adding "dreamed of" after "with it", or something. -shrug- It's your poem, but it might make it flow more smoothly.
2.) "i watched the sun set / on me / leaving me shrouded in darkness" - This was my least favorite line of the piece, because it's dreary depression didn't seem to fit with the hopeful aspect of the rest of it. Just thought I'd tell you.
3.) O! I really like the last stanza! That's a very elegant way of getting your message across.
Well done! I'm very impressed! I hope SHE was too! :) Thanks! -Ruatha
| polkadots chapter 1 . 12/5/2005
| liz anya chapter 1 . 12/5/2005
| Kenishiro chapter 1 . 12/5/2005
I like it, it's honest, truthful, i like how u compare nature and her in terms of beauty.. the verses flows nicely and the ending is perfect, keep up the good work!