As dramatic as those four lines are...don't you think you should write a bit more before asking people to R&R?

And I hope you don't mind if I just rephrase your words here - I found a couple of phrases that seemed off.

'Life is an extraordinary thing, fate even more so...

There are some who face one another for an eternity...

Yet nothing happens between them...

And there are others who fall eternally...from the very first moment of their meeting.'

Just a thought, you can incorporate some of the changes if you'd like. If you plan to ever continue with this, that is, seeing as you published it in 2005.