|Reviews for The Skeption Chronicles: Beginning Their Quest|
| eiyuang999 chapter 1 . 5/23/2010
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| Barbados chapter 5 . 7/18/2006
This was an exciting chapter, but it got a bit confusing in some places, especially nearer the end. I did not find any contractions during the dialogue of this piece, so good job on that goal. Not much to say here that I haven't mentioned before I don't think, so I'll move on to the next chapter.
| Barbados chapter 4 . 7/16/2006
I'll start by saying that I loved how Venus' eyes glowed with phosphoresence when she was angry. That was a great touch. That she got so angry was a surprise, though. I also liked the line, "...the cold metal and the soft flesh... fur... scales." That was also a good touch, and keeps it nice and interesting. I did notice some contractions during dialogue. Instead of pointing them all out, I'll point out a couple, and suggest again that you read your story out loud (or at least the dialogue,) actively searching for such things. Line starting, "That'll have to wait, VEnus. I have found..." as well as line starting, "I'll give you a thousang gold..." as well as line starting, "Seven hundred gold pieces, and that's my final offer." All in all, still an interesting and entertaining read. So far, Balthazar doesn't have much in the way of defining characteristics. I hope that doesn't continue.
| Barbados chapter 3 . 7/5/2006
Fourth paragraph, when Balthazar is recalling the King's orders, is a good one. It shows your grip on your characters again. Balthazar is young, and doesn't understand some things yet, while the King is older and wiser, and can recognize the potential for catastrophe in a simple misuse of chapter starting with: "Niek, the Scarlet Lady..." is wonderful. I love it when stories let a little bit of the world's lore slip in like that, adding depth. It really helps breath life into the ... ah, "Slowly the gate of greenery and trees began to silently open revealing a crowd of gruff people, as they swung open." Again, reading out lout as part of your edit process will help eliminate things like nylks human in size and shape? I see that they take on some characteristics of their powers (Venus has greenish skin, for example,) but what else? Also, when you introduce the other Nylks, give a brief description of them as well. (Example: A bald headed fire nylk named Koda, whose skin was the color of ash and whose golden eyes almost glowed - instead of a fire nylk called Koda. That description may in no way be close to what you have in your mind, but that's the point - I have no idea what he looks like.)So to recap, I really like the way your world is deveoloping, with creatures and lore being woven in. I'm eager to see more about the nylks, including their personalities (do they act in accordance with their powers... are all fire nylks sort of egotistical?... plant nylks patient?... water nylks prone to violent temper tantrums?) Of course I'll find out as I read I'm sure, but in case I don't, I've let it be known here. Good job, and good luck.
| Barbados chapter 2 . 6/30/2006
Hello again! Most of the other reviewers have touched on the major things: the few typos there are and a few confusing sentences. You do a wonderful job with describing the look and 'feel' of your characters, and of the world. The descriptions are vivid, and certainly help add to the mood. The devil is in the details, they say, and it's true. You write well, just keep an eye out for the details. A good way is to read your work out loud. Sounds silly, but believe me, it works! It will help you avoide things like "The Queen stood up," and then two paragraphs later, "Yelaina stood up." It's early on in the story, but so far you seem to have a good grip on your characters, something I hope persists. There is a lot of potential here, and I'll be back. (sorry everything is in one paragraph... FP won't seperate paragraphs when I hit enter, and for some reason, never has.)
| Barbados chapter 1 . 6/30/2006
Don't worry, your summary was sufficient. I am in agreement with other reviewers though that it might be a bit too personal, but if that's your writing style, we'll get into it as things progress. After all, if everyone wrote stories in the exact same way, then little to none of an author's writing style would come across to define them. I might suggest one thing... you say that since they split up, we will only follow five. I might suggest including 'snippets' of the other six. News that trickles in here and there, or pops up just to let the readers know what's going on in the bigger picture. From the start, I know now I'm only getting half of the story otherwise.
| Pheobe Meryll chapter 1 . 5/23/2006
Just a note after your very touching review...(you can delete this if you want as it isn't really a review)
I'm so glad that my peice helped inspire you. I noticed you weren't updating and I was very sad...if you love to write, that's what you should do and you obviously love your medeival fantasy! I hope to see more from you soon.
| rrmehta364 chapter 2 . 2/15/2006
"The thunder roared throughout the starless night sky, and the lighting raced through the air in their dangerously hypnotic dance." : I think the sentence would flow a little better if you get rid of the 'the' in front of the thunder and lightning. I think it would flow better that way (me being supernitpicky)
A general warning about the word Eshl’ton: It has an apostrophe. Thus, I have no idea how it is supposed to be pronounced. As a result, even if I may not want to, I will find myself skipping over the word whenever I see it and perhaps the word before and after it. Tis the result of hard to pronounce names, and I would generally advise against using them.
You should use sentence openings other than nouns at the beginning of sentences. It was especially noticable at the bottom of the second half of the second paragraph. Having non-noun beginning sentences has a way of making everything you write sound more professional.
Allright, the politics of this world seem muddled. Are you trying to stick to a medieval type world? If so, all of the kings have far too much freedom of action. Lords and dukes would be making many of the decisions as there really wasn't a strong royalty during the middle ages. If the world seems to be a bit more Rennaisancy at least politics wise, than there is also the problem of why don't the king now who is allied with who. Are the alliances secret? If so, let the reader know. Also, if Piscen is so paranoid, why is he allied with anyone. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there seems something vaguely unreal with the political situation facing this world.
That said, you writing is beautiful. The descriptive prose is very well done. You make good use of all the senses, and I really get a picture of the world in my mind.
Additionally, I like the characters. You've created a world that seems to have some kind of moral ambiguity at least when regarding the creature market. I'm definately looking forward to seeing how it all works out. Despite the fact Elves normally make me cringe, I have af feeling you will do something interesting with them.
Anyways, the story has an excellent beginning and I am certainly looking forward to the opportunity to read more.
| Pheobe Meryll chapter 3 . 2/2/2006
"the crisp night air stung at his nose like a thousand needles"...great description. clever.
"Inside there was a creature market that the King's Watch had not yet seized. The King's Watch were the personal soldiers to King Morpheus. It was on the to-do-list before the war broke out"...okay, the war is going now, so maybe you could make that clearer by saying "it HAD BEEN on the to-do-list..." Also, you put in the explination of who the King's Watch sandwhiched between talking about the seizure of the creature market. Maybe you could explain what the king's watch is before mentioning the creature market, or stick it in parenthasese or something.
((keep in mind I'm being very nitpicky. Let me know if I need to back off, lol))
Yay he has bad eyesight! I know I can empathize with this character! Hmm, Balthazar...is he named after the wise man for a reason, I wonder?
Oh, I remember Neik. Awesome.
"No one knows why, but to spite the King and Queen she protects the market. She kills all the King's Watch she finds." You switched to present tense here...maybe you were trying to make that part of Balthazar's thoughts. If so, put it in italics or something so we know.
commas in brackets..."Slowly[,] the gate of greenery and trees began to silently open[,] revealing a crowd of gruff people as they swung open." Besides the commas, the adjectives were a little misplaced. I don't want to rephrase it for you b/c I know how annoying it is when ppl do that, but maybe you want to look at it...
"she was more clothed than the latter nylk." hm. I think since you've been talking about her for a few sentances now, she is the latter nylk. the other one would be the former.
Nice chapter. Now, what exactly is a Nylk? Evidently they control an element...an invention of your own, I take it. Very creative! I shall return.
PS I finished 'butterfly,' but feedback is still very much appreciated, if you get the time...
| Pheobe Meryll chapter 2 . 2/2/2006
Your stories always have such a mythic feel. :)
"the lightening raced through the air in their dangerously hypnotic dance." 'their' should be 'its.' really cool description, by the way.
"What if it was meant for Fezir to become the sovereign of Skeption!" Since you're speculating on present and future (not past), wouldn't you say "what if it IS meant"...also it's a question, so you need a question mark at the end of the sentance.
"Yelaina looked old and weary, like a flower who had seen better days, and had shrivelled up, waiting to die." a flower isn't a who, so you may want to change it to a that, but otherwise this description was very good. caught my attention.
You tend to use a lot of excliamtion marks in your dialogue...use less, and they'll be more effective when you do use them.
"You will not stop me Morpheus." comma after 'me.'
I liked this chapter; it gave us a good idea of the status of events, plus giving us strong introductions to the characters. There were a lot of countries mentioned, and all the names were kind of overwhelming at first, so you may want to ease up on that. Your descriptions are very original and different. I'd like to see more of them, as always!
| Pheobe Meryll chapter 1 . 2/2/2006
Hello! sorry it took so long for me to look at this new story. Summary was good, and I didn't feel it gave away too much. I'm quite ready to read.
| Unrequited Love 118 chapter 3 . 1/11/2006
Hey Chrissy! Kudos on the excellency of your work! Nice! I'm lovin' Venus...
I'd like to be able to read the rest. Hope to see you at school tomorrow!
| The Moon Child chapter 3 . 1/7/2006
- Yay! An update! xD I really like Venus- she seems the coolest out of all the nylks so far. I wonder what else he'll buy...an elf maybe? XD Please let one of the main characters be an elf! Elves are the best! *nods*
Hehehehe...well, anyway, great chapter! I really like the concept of elements of nylks, etc- the thought hadn't come to me before. Balthazar seems cool too!
| Glorio chapter 1 . 1/7/2006
This is looking interesting and is very well written so far. I would appreciate if you read my story 'The Battles of the Known World'
| Islandbreeze chapter 2 . 1/6/2006
Oh, I love the description in the beginning. I love thunderstorms, I like them better than sunny days. And the bits about the king and his looking tired brought out what you meant very well through the detail.
His paranoia though, etc, could be portrayed through action and dialogue instead of summarizing. It's the whole "show don't tell" which everyone including me is sick of hearing, but it does help flesh out the story, so maybe you could work that bit of character in.
Oh, the flower reference to Yelaina was shivery and nice, ominous. But she seems strong in personality at least. I think I like her. Good dialogue toward the end, it all was fairly smooth. Nice chapter- I'd like to read more.