|Reviews for Nocturne|
| IAmGabe chapter 1 . 7/25/2006
Hey what's up? It is I, Gabe. Still loving the story since you sent it to me all those months ago. I still have the converted audio file around somewhere. Anyway, I'm probably going to be posting some of my work here too. Also, even though my PenName will be posted on the left side of the screen, I feel a strong compulsion to sign the review at the bottom like some idiot.
| Chiaroscuro chapter 2 . 1/18/2006
I had another review for this story planned, a longer one. It was also more nitpicky, and would have illuminated every typo or tense-change in a ten-foot spotlight. Which is why it was abandoned. Instead of that review, I'm simply going to bullet my strongest reactions to chapters one and two of Nocturne, and hope that they assist the creative process.1)You seemed to be channeling a certain blonde, female author when you were writing the sections with Escol in chapter two. I do not object to this (although, in case said author is listening, she really needs to post another chapter of Crown of Thorns, or Eth, or Avia, or something), but whenever you switch to Escol, your tense starts dancing between present and past, sometimes mid-paragraph. Personally, I think it would be cool to write all of Escol's entries in present tense. It would give her narrative a distinguishing feature. Whatever you decide to do, please make the tense homogenous for Escol's sections. Anything else gets me thinking about time paradoxes, and that leads to headaches.2)Lane seems to be falling towards the role of stereotypical villain (or anti-hero) while Trystan is sliding towards the role of typical hero (he already has the prophecy from a cryptic ancient scholar). I think that the easiest way to combat this would be by developing their characters a touch more. Trystan can be a bit stodgy at times, but so far that appears to be his only fault. Lane is a charismatic genius with a disregard for human life, and I'm sure he's more complicated than that. I know that their characters will probably be developed more in the next couple of chapters, but I'm saying this anyway since I always urge more character developement.3) As far as tactical details go, this story is awesome. You plan battles and strategies farther ahead than I would for a world that I made up, and your tactics are inventive. Frankly, I would fear trying to take a fortified town from you and seventy men.4)Perhaps because of their time period, or perhaps because they tend to be pretty formal with their subordinates, most of your tacticians speak somewhat stiffly. After two chapters, I've grown accustomed to this, so it was something of a shock to me when Lane swore. I'm not saying this to encourage your characters to use more vernacular. Rather, I'm pointing out that you can get a lot more effect out of having one of them curse than you could if they acted differently.5) Well, I think that's everything that I can say about two chapters. I look forward to reading the rest of them. Keep writing.