|Reviews for And Suddenly, I Realized I Was Dead|
| Chaos Apple chapter 1 . 8/14/2006
This is...interesting. I like the way this tells a story, though I'm not sure I like the way this poem was written. It's not one of your best.
| iknowthethirdthingaboutpoetry chapter 1 . 1/13/2006
Did you know that the rhyming in your poem is also incredibly forced? Or did you, like me, do it on purpose to mock all those people who seem to think their ability to rhyme automatically makes them a poet?
I'd leave it at that, but I'll just point out a couple lines you might want to work on.
"Her destination, she had past."
No, that just doesn't make any sense and is rhythmically wrong. The "she had past" part clearly is there just for rhyming purpose.
"She realized her folly"
You may want to elaborate on what her "folly" is. Otherwise, readers are only left to guess.
"She crept still slowly forward"
This also feels wrong. Seeing I don't know anything about poetry, I can't point out exactly why, but my intuition tells me it would have sounded more poetic had you written "She crept forward still slowly."
"She lie there unattended"
Since you've been writing in the past tense, this sentence will be grammatically incorrect.
That's all for now. Ta-ta. :D
| just a teardrop chapter 1 . 1/13/2006
oh wow i like this! especially the beginning. the rhyme is natural and the rhythm is great. nice work!