Reviews for Tranquility
Empty Jigsaw chapter 1 . 1/18/2006
The poem itself reads fanatsically calmly, meaning that the verses represent their subject well. You capture the stillness of tranquility well in your strurdy stanzas, which are unnaffected by ryhme or solid rhythm.

I like your use of ellipses, giving the single lines a wistfulness to soften them so as not to place a harshness in the poem. And also, in the stanza about sky, almost showing the drifting of clouds that aren't there. In fact, I loved that stanza; the repetition of 'simplicity' and 'simply' on the second line, and the description of the 'offspring' of the 'cloudless blue'. Beautiful

The single lines link the descriptive verses together well, pulling the same issue from each new version of tranquility, until we reach the last stanza.

The tone change in the last stanza is made obvious as you switch to first person to warn the reader. The change from 'cannot' to can is effective, and I especially loved how 'beauty' became 'bane' as they are alliterations, and there is a certain symmetry between the words.

I also liked how the word 'tranquility' became bold in the last line, because now it is representitive of itself, and yet it still is not capatilized like all the other bold words that went before it.

My favourite thing about this poem is how the last stanza ruins the tranquility previously set up, almost as an illustration of what harm the human race can cause.

Regards, Empty Jigsaw Xx
Eye of the Needle chapter 1 . 1/16/2006
Ok so even though you know what i think of this, i still thought i'd review since you changed it. I love the sky stanza, it kinda gives off a tinged vibe, like you know it's beautiful and innocent, but the person refered to as 'you' is so jaded they cannot posess the same innocence.

I also love the phrase "weathered by a time that doesn't exist./The guardians of tranquility" I don't really know why, maybe it's just aesthetically pleasing, and the way you go on to imply that even though they've been weathered by something nonexistent, 'you' still think they need help.

The final stanza makes me think a lot of things, but that's just because I'm me. And I still love that change in tone in the final line.

Yours, EyeOfTheNeedle xx
Teh Outtawacked chapter 1 . 1/15/2006
...wow.

i never heard anythign like this before. it just snuffs out the ability to speak. breath. it really makes you think- but it doesnt hurt to think about it- if that makes any sense. a beautiful poem. a lesson that the human race hasn't learned yet. that we should spend time enjoying the natural beauty around us and not trying to 'fix' it.
JDWrites chapter 1 . 1/15/2006
Philisophical. The way I like it. You're a guy? You wrote THIS? Wow, you're a great writer and no, I'm not raggin' on ya just cause you're a guy, there are so many boys I know who write great poetry...I love dating them too...haha, but you're a little old for me and you've got a girl. Lucky broad. Anyways, you're lucky, you can write this type of poem and all I could think of was a poem I've just written that won't be posted as it's own file on FP but in a story.

I think the first stanza is like this:

I want to be an angel/so I can paint the sky/I want to see God's canvas/and ask if I can try.

And the last stanza was:

I want to be an angel/but I don't want to die./I can see God's canvas/and the angel who paints the sky.

Keep writing, you're good at it.

~Gaki