|Reviews for The Coriolis Effect Rough Draft|
| Rudolph Schmidt chapter 1 . 5/2/2006
Excellent first chapter, the soldier's were pretty lifelike and well done, I like how the military declared the blunder an example of heroism above and beyond the call of duty, seems like you have a good grasp of the military. good start, I look foward to reading the rest.
| erinshadow chapter 15 . 4/30/2006
Locus, hunny, you have got to be kidding! I made it a project to sit down and go over this with a fine tooth comb and pick out all errors and inconsistancies with the writing. I was going to surprise you, but no! You go and do it yourself! How am I supposed to show my loyalty to this story?
On a side note, I love Atarah. She reminds me of my older sister. Keep writing! This story keeps me sane!
| Muted Bard chapter 15 . 4/27/2006
Alright, I've got a few things to mention. Your cast of characters is expanding nicely. Rather than a legion of faceless men and women with a few key figures hidden therein, you've attatched a name and a personality to everyone you could. Atarah, in particular, is very noticable. As far as plot goes, you're walking a very fine line. Most sci-fi authors choose to have their characters throw in the with valiant rebels against the corrupt government, or side with the righteous empire against a group of desperate fanatics. You've done neither. There's only the characters, and the two factions pulling at them. This is good.I might like to see a bit more backstory on some of the characters, because the narrative feels a little unconnected at times. Too many people are running about and doing stuff for me to associate all of them. The war does tie them together in a kind of abstract way, but it seems like the narrative jumps to one character, and then jumps to a friend of a friend of a friend of his. This'll probably fix itself as the story goes on, but I thought I should mention , that's about it. Keep writing.
| KimHua chapter 15 . 4/27/2006
I'm enjoying this. :-) I love the quench guns!
If you're interested, I'd be grateful for your feedback on my own stories... I use coil guns, not quench guns (no superconductors). ;-)
| Burnt Bread chapter 11 . 4/27/2006
Banshee? You play Halo, don't you? The DEAD suits in your store are slightly reminecent of the armor Master Chief wears that allows him to survive in vaccume.
Erm, 11 chapters and I'm still here so you must be doing something right. The introduction of so many characters makes it hard to keep track of everything, but i guess the action does span over a galaxy, so I can't say i didn't see that comming.
Intrigue is still good. I like chapter 10 - Traitors because it showed the decisions behind a war and how easily one might be pursuaded... sorry, my spelling is really horrible late at night, or maybe just in general.
Just reviewing to let you know I'm still lurking about - it will take a few days for me to get back to finishing it, but keep up the good work. Nice update speed too. This story is always on (or close to) the first page.
| Burnt Bread chapter 4 . 4/25/2006
I didn't want to review until I'd finished reading all the chapters, but if I suddenly added this or you to my favourites, I imagine that it would be a bit of a scare.
So far, I like it - Justin is my fav though I haven't met all the characters I dont think so we'll see how it goes. I love your attention to detail - the gadgets are a real turn on. You've obviously spent time creating a little niche in here, and it's really paid off. I can see this story idea going great places.
Ok, I'll be quite now and go read all that there is to read. I may be a bit slower at reviewing though cause I'm forgetful like that, but rest assured that I am lurking somewhere nearby.
| Locus chapter 2 . 4/22/2006
There appear to be some notes I missed that I wish to address.
Names and Ethnicity- I got most of what I wanted, but I want to clarify that there is no 'race' by our definition anymore. Noone is 'English' or 'Japanese' or 'Native American' anymore, (spoiler?) simply because those places are not longer of consequence. Instead there are people from Coriolis or Carthage or Sovereign. It doesn't matter if they are of African or Hispanic or Asian descent- they are of the ethnic group of their home planet, and modern 'color' or race doesn't matter to me, to the point where I am not going to distiguish a persons 'ethnicity' in this story.
If you want to chat about it, I'm on AIM, and willing to talk to anyone who wishes to.
Thank you again, and continue to enjoy (Or start enjoying if you've not began already)
| Locus chapter 1 . 4/22/2006
Thanks for the reviews, Keren. I feel ou'd enjoy this story more if I cleared some things - this is nine hundred odd years in our future. I'm keeping the names 'real', in a sense that yes, these are people you could meet on the street. Teeny or not, tastes in names change over time, and I feel i have brought names that fit both my taste to my time. If you look, i've taken names from a lot of ethnic groups, the two I am conspicuously lacking being Oriental and Indian. As for ethnic diversity, yes, that does appear to be lacking. Why, you might ask, do I know that and still let it continue? Because this is a planet. There is no immigration between planets in this story. The people that settled there are the forefathers of everyone on the planet. (The group was big enough to discourage inbreeding) Just like the countries and provinces of the pre-industrial revolution (There are actually a host of parallels between that time and this story), there wasn't a whole lot of diversity, not from a racist standpoint, but from an ability to have diversity Gender Issue. I don't feel that anyone is suited for any role, no matter what anyone says. If you put your heart into it, you can be as good as the next person. Sure, some people are naturally better at some things, but I don't find that to be discouraging to a stereotyping point. And I don't write 'throwaway' characters. If they have a name, they have a reason for being named. Even if they contribute nothing to the story than a death at some point, its much more realistic than some faceless extra I decided ran out of time. These are people I put time and effort into creating, and that at the very least should impart a bit of the difficulty in death to the and story- Quite a few of your ealier posts contained questions. Questions that were answered by my later chapters. I write in a style that divulges at a need-to-know basis, something I use to avoid crushing a reader under enormous amounts of detail due to an unfamiliar world. Due to the oppurtunity Fictionpress has presented of uploading in chapters, it also allows for some cliffhangers. I also will be divulging informations at the rate that the three main characters(Kristanna, Mikael, and Kayden)learn it, I don't plan on following the antagonist through his/her/their daily rountines and plans. As for my politics, you shouldn't be able to understand them yet- you're only thirteen chapters into an unfamiliar world here. Give it some time. I assure you that I do my best to tie up loose ends and clarify what I must, while avoiding messy technicaql chapters. I'm sure I'll eventually shed some light on the 'unknown enemy'.Minor Issues- Kris as a unfit commander? I don't think so- shes in a bad mind- the weight of an incident still looming over her, and shes is forced to watch the consquences of it, while still commanding whats left of her 'mistake'. The hotel scene? Have you ever seen how some people treat people in the military? There is a severe lack of respect and misunderstanding that I wished to get across, even from a minor character. But it also showed strength in Kris's part. Yes they have towels on the ship. They are mentioned at least twice.I know I have occasional tense issues. When I get a block in my writing, I switch tenses or beginnings and try again. My editing must have missed that is a noun, and the formal name for the Empire. The terms are alike, but I will interchange them on occasion, Imperium referring to the political, social, and economic aspects, and Empire referring to the land and fiefs. All in all, Imperium is what you would call it.
Final Note: This is not a war novel. Its only science fiction because I've not had a chance to work in this genre yet. Its a project on characters, relationships, and reactions. Yes, there will be war. There will also be politics, peace, love, hate, friendship, death, birth, humor, fear, and any other emotion humans can display. Thank you, and I hope you can continue to enjoy it.
| thedorkygirl chapter 13 . 4/22/2006
First of all, this review is in no way directed at the author, 'cause it isn't. It's just a response to another review.
I'm going to have to agree with my original review re: names. The lack of diversity in ethnicity is something that really does take away from the story. If I'm catching this, most (if not all) characters in this story are European (and I'll glump Russian names in there as well).
And when I say teeny - those are names that I'll find in high school now but not in twenty years. Why? The same reason why you don't see a million Jennifers and Tiffanys 'new' wave of names is actually Emma (where it was Katie/Kaitlyn for the nineteen-nineties).
Do I think Emma will last? No. Do I think names like Maria and Elizabeth and Jacob and Eduardo and Shamli and Edgar and all that will last? Yeah. Those are names grounded in history. Even though they're boring and bad examples.
I *do* like to use names like Sylvie or Eva or Cristobal, but I strive for diversity in ethnicity. I'm a white girl. My tendancy? Is to write white women. So I go for men. Go for hispanics (a lot; but i'm Californian/Texan, so I'm comfortable with that). I try to leave Arianna Mackenzie at home and bring out Roberto Mendez, Marisus Garcia, Annette Bridgman, or even John Smith (not really). Boring names somtimes. But a name can really make a character.
And when I have nicknames, I really go all out for something that *means* something to the character, which I think this author has tried to do.
Having strong women in a story is one thing. Ignoring the fact that men *are* stronger is another. Take the actual strengths of women and use them. Women have faster reflexes and are better pilots. Men are more likely to be in infantry because of strength and general disposition.
Just because we say "equal employment" doesn't mean that the best person should be skipped over to give a woman a man's job.
Especially when most of these characters are throwaway characters who will never truly be distiguishable to the reader, women shouldn't be wasted on them. Realism could be added if throwaway *men* were put in there, and strong women characters saved for more important times.
| thedorkygirl chapter 12 . 4/22/2006
THIS was a good chapter - it explained a lot and left questions. It was heavy on the dialogue, though, and maybe a bit like eleven chapters too late in explaining about the unknown enemy.
| thedorkygirl chapter 11 . 4/22/2006
I so don't understand how you got that hit. I was there until the last bit.
| thedorkygirl chapter 10 . 4/22/2006
i've figured out something. you don't have an antagonist. no even when you introduced them, 'cause it's so long in coming and then rather vague.
doesn't imperium refer to the powers and not the state? your politics confuse me, because you state the reactions but the reasons are lost or muddled.
| thedorkygirl chapter 9 . 4/22/2006
you didn't introduce the countess in the beginning. just said "she." and then confused me a wee bit.
| erinshadow chapter 11 . 4/21/2006
Very very good chapter, I'm loving where this is going. possibly the only story i've read that doesn't start off with a massive battle within the first four chapters. I love the characters, and feel that you're taking your time in exploring and revealing them.
"I do have to say that something about your story that distracts me is how teeny your names are. Way born in the eighties. Also very Anglo. You've also got an overabondance of women in the squadron; a stronger male-to-female ratio would be a lot more realistic."
I disagree with this review, teeny names? no, these are names of ordinary people. There are no Blade Starfury's or anyone- these are people who grew up in families with brothers and sisters and are soldiers. I don't find the amount of women to be a bad thing (in fact, its refreshing), this is a futuristic battlefield. strength doesn't matter, the military has become a truely equal employer because men aren't nessessarily better than women. Congrats to you, Locus. Thank you for a great story, and continue the good work.
| thedorkygirl chapter 6 . 4/21/2006
Dude, did you know that they have caffeine infused soap that, for an average shower, is like two cups of coffee? Lasts fifteen washings.
Cohen. Yay. Jewish. Huh. I once wrote a story with a girl named Mikaele. I was fourteen and playing off the name Cale. Don't ask. *sigh*
Don't they have towels on this ship?