|Reviews for The Coriolis Effect Rough Draft|
| thedorkygirl chapter 5 . 4/21/2006
Where exactly is this war? With whom are they fighting? Why was there conflict weeks before that was obviously not part of this war? If such violent battles were so common, I would suspect that the civilian population would be used to it. For having such a grand hotel in wartime, this must be a really rich (world?) place.
It seems a little unusual that Kris - in a position of military leadership - would be so intimidated by the hotel proprieter. It does fit in with what seems to be her reluctance to cause problems, but that begs the question as to how she was promoted if she were so ill-fit for such situations.
| thedorkygirl chapter 4 . 4/21/2006
Good chapter. I liked how your keeping it planetside with heavy doses of planetary travel and star blah blah. You know, cool. And the joke 'bout the hotel was both realistic (quartering!) and funy.
I do have to say that something about your story that distracts me is how teeny your names are. Way born in the eighties. Also very Anglo. You've also got an overabondance of women in the squadron; a stronger male-to-female ratio would be a lot more realistic.
| thedorkygirl chapter 3 . 4/21/2006
Eurgh. I love the idea of a self-healing fabric. Brilliant. I think that the paragraph should be rearranged a little - describe the effects of cold on it before the heat, because without it in that order, it seemed a little clunky and random. Until you reread and were all, "Whoa," but you shouldn't have to reread a paragraph, only a chapter, to get that whoa. And what happens when the suit overheats? Does it slip off?
You switch tenses.
SEA SHIP OMG WHAT CRAZINES!
| thedorkygirl chapter 2 . 4/21/2006
Before Justin goggled the girl, it sounds a little Kristanna/Justin there. Ambiguity and all.
| thedorkygirl chapter 1 . 4/21/2006
I like this. It reminds me a little of Heinlein's work - especially Starship Troopers. I'm looking to write something a little more 'infantry'ish instead of my standard creche/fighter pilot infatuations (unpublished).
| SteelKitsune chapter 7 . 2/17/2006
A short and pretty technical chapter. I picked up a few nitpicky errors here and there and figured I'd share:1- Remik has contacts? You know the U.S. Air Force requires all pilots to have 20/20 eyesight in both eyes. Problems can be corrected through laser surgery.2- The description of the Banshee is pretty cool. I just wanted to call to your attention that it drags the story tempo down a little whenever you stop to describe something in full. That's a call you get to make.3- that log in screen is pretty flashy. I personally would keep it, but just remember it might turn the non-comp savvy people off a little. At least I think.
Otherwise, your technical concepts are still right on target. I was sort of thrown for a second about using the DEAD suit for a flight suit, since I always pictured it as a rigid infantry armor sorta thing, but it makes sense. The less individual designs a military needs, the easier (and cheaper) it is to build and maintain them.
| Fulcrum chapter 7 . 2/16/2006
I am enjoying this story. I hope to see action scenes soon. One thing you might want to look out for: in the paragraph is which you described the Banshee, you switched from past to present tense. While it is still clear what you are saying, you should generally try to avoid stuff like that, for the sake of how the story flows. Keep this story coming; I can't wait till the next chapters.
| Timur chapter 7 . 2/16/2006
Another excellent chapter. I don't know where its going, but I check this story a couple times a week just so I don't miss anything:)
| Blutmetall chapter 6 . 2/10/2006
Man I read this entire story through twice and loved it. Definitly one of the best things I've read. One could surly say this story was written at a professional level.
| SteelKitsune chapter 6 . 2/6/2006
Sort of a weird chapter, but I can't judge because I definitely have them myself. I'm wondering whether Mikael and Motta have/had something going on, since the last exchange of conversation I felt was rather more friendly than a typical ordinate-subordinate idea about the Combat Air Patrol running a visual inspection of their parent ship is a good one. I occasionally use repair drones that flit around and do maintenance instead of a live repair crew, because my ships are 85% vacuum. But if you've already got a pair of eyes out there, then why not use them?
| Fulcrum chapter 6 . 2/4/2006
An good chapter for introducing and developing a new character. A few grammatical and spelling errors, but otherwise very good.
| Timur chapter 6 . 2/2/2006
Very nice. I continue to be impressed by this story, and am more curious then ever to see where it will lead.
Please continue writing.
| GryffindorsQueen chapter 5 . 1/26/2006
Well done, well done, one of the best sci-fi's i've had the pleasure of reading. Now, you write another chapter, and do it quickly.
| steelkitsune chapter 5 . 1/25/2006
Finally, an official review. So far, I think it looks great. The military system is solid and you aren't explaining every last step of the way. I think the conversations could use a little fine tuning, but overall, very nice work.
| Fulcrum chapter 5 . 1/24/2006
To begin, a good chapter that moves the story along nicely. A couple instances of sentences beginning in quotes not starting with capital letters, but that's so minor I think it's barely worth mentioning.
Other than that all I really have to comment on in this chapter is tactics. There wasn't any combat scenes, but I must ask, why did the Infantry escort the truck on foot? That is not unheard of, but I wonder if Kristanna's company has any type of transportation support?
Modern day Infantry, even light Infantry units, often have access to vehicles for transport and fire support (usually up-armored Humvees with heavy weapons, such as .50 caliber machine guns). When conducting escort mission for vehicles, it is both safer and faster for the Infantry to be using their own vehicles.
Of course, there are any number of reasons to explain their lack of vehicles, and I'm quite sure that you have your reasons, but I just wanted to bring that to your attention. I mean, maybe they couldn't transport their vehicles there as fast as the Infantry got there, or Kris' chain of command decided that the escort mission was not dangerous enough to warrant the use of vehicles.
I also thought that the hotel manager's attitude-no respect for soldiers, unable to believe that anything could be more important than his own little world-was rather realistic. Of course, I understand his anger at the military commandeering part of his hotel, and I think that this could possibly be a problem for Kris as the story progresses.
I'm sorry about these long-winded reviews; I just want to make sure that I don't miss anything.
I am eagerly waiting the next chapters.