|Reviews for Peregrine Phase 1|
| Obsidius chapter 30 . 12/8/2010
Ok Just WOW. You should really have this published. ANd I really hope there's a Phase two. Cause I mean just don't leave it hanging like that. I mean that guy should suffer!
| Obsidius chapter 2 . 12/6/2010
and the plot thickens!
| Obsidius chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
wow awesome first chapter!
| NicoleBolas chapter 30 . 10/26/2010
Great story. Enjoyed very much. will there ever be a sequel?
| Crytyk chapter 30 . 6/17/2009
Best Sci-fi fic I've ever read. Where is the second part?
| Aberrant Lycanthrope chapter 30 . 1/5/2009
| Aberrant Lycanthrope chapter 14 . 1/4/2009
are we just forgetting about jon here?
| Aberrant Lycanthrope chapter 11 . 1/4/2009
very abrupt change, brutal too...
| Aberrant Lycanthrope chapter 6 . 1/3/2009
| Aberrant Lycanthrope chapter 1 . 1/3/2009
Long chapter, lots of stuff here too. Great intro by the way, it held my interest quite well. I will be sure to read the rest
| Solemn Coyote chapter 2 . 2/11/2007
This is a review for chapter one. I’ll review everything else via the manuscript, ‘cause these are going to be excessively long.
1) “It’s a very odd world we live in, isn’t it? They call me plenty of names. Mutt. Mudling. Natural. Three nouns. Three offenses.” Nice intro. It sets the tone, establishes voice, and throws in a bit of culture. However, it might be a little stronger if you clipped “it’s a very…plenty of names”
2) “Slowly, her eyes drifted” Word repetition on ‘eyes’. Maybe ‘they’.
3) “a mane she hadn’t dare cut back in many years” ‘dared to’
4) “And he’ll be right back on the razorboard course” Nothing major, but ‘razorboard’ feels a little cliché. There’s a lot of sci-fi that imagines skateboarding getting progressively more eXtreme, and I dunno that I agree. Throughout history, it’s been the simplest sports (like soccer) that have stuck around. So, maybe ‘razorboard’ to ‘skateboard’?
5) “It’s one of those things you hafta pick back up, or he’ll never get on a board again.” I think the reader would understand if you changed the second “he’ll” to “you’ll”. It would de-awkardify the sentence slightly.
6) “A moment later, the sun broke past one of the Type B’s, striking her harshly in the face.” I like how absolutely normal that sounds. Good world-building.
7) “her sunglasses paling just slightly without the assaulting sun.” ‘assaulting’ feels just slightly off, connotation-wise. Maybe just ‘glaring’ would do the trick.
8) “She leaned against the wall, watching the reflection of her tail playing around the backs of her legs.” That’s a pretty huge character detail, and it just kinda sidles into the text. I’m not sure whether this is good or bad.
9) “There isn’t much use sticking around my apartment with my roommate asleep until all hours.” Scratch the ‘until’.
10) “Feels like everyone’s just cutting everyone else’s throats with the slander and the lawsuits and it’s just nuts” I’d put a period after ‘lawsuits’ and remove the ‘and’. Otherwise, not a bad injection of social critique.
11) Burgess’ sentences are a little bit clipped. While they make sense in an informal setting, it feels a little weird to have a professor speaking in phrases. I dunno. Your call, here.
12) “So do you always come this way in the morning” Comma after ‘so’.
13) “You seem like a very quick-witted kid, and in spite of being a bit shy, I think you’ve got a lot of good ideas in that head of yours.” That ‘and in spite of being a bit shy’ feels like it’s been forcefully slipped in. Maybe ‘you seem like a quick-witted kid-maybe a little bit shy-and I think you’ve got a lot of good ideas in that head’
14) “They took advantage of the law” Unclear subject. ‘they’ to ‘immigration’.
15) “The advent of mobile drives were nice.” was
16) “According to her, woman’s studies wasn’t quite so easy with a militant feminist crusading around spewing about how men were unnecessary and problematic.” That feels a little heavy-handed, but I can’t come up with a rewrite.
17) “Elsewhere on her screen, the news ticker was bumbling by” Nice. It’s a very human thing to personify new bits of technology.
18) “Her fingers scampered over the flat keyboard, the heat-sensitive pads translating the dance into useable text.” Nice line, but I dunno if you could have heat-sensitive keys. I mean, the body throws off a lot of ambient heat. Hitting a key might cause all it’s neighbors to trigger, too. I think pressure-sensitive might be better.
19) “a world where variables ruled over constants in perpetual tyranny” Nice
20) “Which left her merely waiting for the next homework assignment.” Scratch the ‘merely’
21) “After the file loaded onto local memory, a face came into view, flawless and beautiful, smiling for a brief moment before the anchor’s simulated mood changed.” Nice
22) “Sighing, she turned back to her homework.” She shrugs that off really, crazy quickly. You might want to change that a little bit.
23) “Kaitlyn was happy with this class. It wasn’t unruly or distrustful,” Those aren’t two traits I associate with classes. Students maybe.
24) “On his command, the screen behind him, glowing faintly with photon-warping energy, illuminated, displaying six figures in scientifically neutral poses, a representation of all races, to scale, so the Galaxii stood miniscule next to a towering Equilli drone.” Split this up a bit. It’s incredibly run-on.
25) You might wanna be careful with the lesson here. A lot of authors make all the characters in their stories, except for the bad ones, free of racial prejudice. While it makes the plot a little bit easier, it’s also a touch less realistic. Everyone has their petty grudges and hatreds, and in a society all those little grudges tend to follow similar trends. I don’t know if you’ve mentioned yet whether earth is Republic or Empire or neutral, but I figure a lot of the students in the classroom are gonna have the biases of whatever side they’re from. Not just the bad ones.
26) Once again, the class is an excellent device for world-building.
27) “If tomorrow an alien civilization showed up bent on the destruction of the entire genus,” Is that foreshadowing I smell?
28) “Truth is, Felisans are not nice critters to get in a fist fight with,” Though, I imagine their fists would be fairly weak. It’s hard to punch with sharp things hidden under your skin. I wonder if anyone’s developed race specific martial arts?
29) “she dropped her weight a little, sinking her toe claws into the rug.” Nice. Too many half-cat races only have hand-claws.
30) “She had a young, mostly rumor-based knowledge” ‘understanding’, maybe?
31) “They’re mostly Halfbreed, nomadic (which is where their name comes from)” Kinda weird having parenthesis in a conversation, but I like the device. It’s much easier than saying that it’s in an aside.
32) ““Would it?” she asked, her ears cocking.” Um…two million enforcers. Unless they have the combat abilities of storm-troopers, that’s gonna take some force.
33) “Erin snickered, kicking her orange flip-flops off and perching delicately on her stool. A programmer working on her math and logic requirement” I’d put a colon after ‘stool’
34) “All right all ya stumblin’ weak-bodied excuses for mechanics.” Comma after ‘right’
35) “Most of them were corvette and galleon class, solid, fast, dependable.” Colon after ‘class’
36) “and stowaway smells from thousands of places.” Nice
37) “One of them uttered a mere “Evening, Katie,”” ‘mere’ to ‘simple’
38) “She swiped a few glass bottles off the shelves behind her and quickly mixed up a curious mix” second ‘mix’ to ‘blend’
39) “God do I rely on you to keep my blood flowing,” comma after ‘God’
40) The dialogue between Kate and Avalon is really good, at least as far as it deals with their past. It flows well, it’s properly emotional, and it’s got the right amount of slang and abbreviation.
41) Lovely description of space. Both realistic and poetic.
42) The scene with Kate and Avalon is a lot less shojo-ai this time around. Good.
43) “She cried because Avalon cried, and Avalon cried because she did. There was no beating it.” Excellent line.
44) Good chapter ending. Reviews will continue in manuscript-form, because this was way too long.
| LuNa7ic chapter 30 . 11/4/2006
Been reading this and other stories for some time now, so I decided to sign up. I love the story, keep it coming :D
| Casey Drake chapter 30 . 10/28/2006
Over and out,
| Casey Drake chapter 24 . 10/11/2006
...Quick question. Why do I get the feeling that one of the main Peregrine religions is Islam?
Otherwise, nothing major to comment on, criticism-wise.
I'm enjoying watching Kaitlyn turn into Angel...
| Casey Drake chapter 22 . 10/9/2006
...is Mauri Katie's-um, i mean Angel's-clone or something?
And I know she's a double agent, but for Levesque and whom?
This is really interesting. The subplots...
Crap and crap, i just realized who they're torturing... crap. and crap.