|Reviews for Dragons' Hope|
| Trinity Dragon chapter 11 . 5/27/2006
Dang you and your cliff hanger! Hurry it up!
| Trinity Dragon chapter 1 . 5/26/2006
This very much reminds me of something. Tell me where you got the idea for something so
| allidunno chapter 1 . 4/9/2006
I like the new introduction...It is more descriptive...I like how it describes the wars and such better...I liked it, and the new chapter posted! _ I think you did a good job give visual details, and an understanding of where the story is going!
| RuathaWehrling chapter 10 . 3/31/2006
Eh. I SHOULD be working now, but... I don't want to! Forget it. I'm going to finish up this story instead (don't tell me boss!).
1.) "“How did Lady Treloris and the rest of the Advocates get up, anyway?”" - Wait! Why aren't Treloris and the Advocates there WITH the kids, now? Where'd they go?
2.) "I was going to try and persuade you not to become an Advocate, but as seeing that you turn out to have no Empathy, I’ll just let it lie." - I don't understand. Do Advocates NEED Empathy, or not?
3.) "Get settled in, Orientation starts tomorrow for the entire new intake." - The comma's not strong enough. Try a semicolon or period.
4.) "nibbling on one of the chocolates he had managed to smuggle out of Treloris’ office " - Hehehe! That's awesome! Yea for smuggling out chocolates for girls! :)
5.) "Concealing the Red Powder in several dainties, I fed it to them, thus taking care of the problem" - *sigh* So much for liking Treloris...
How sad. You made my favorite character EVIL! *sigh* Ah well.
Oh, and you're very welcome for the reviews. I know how helpful a good review can be! A suggestion: if you want other people to leave such reviews, what you need to do is review THEIR stories in the same way you want yours reviewed. It doesn't work with everyone, of course, but there are quite a few excellent reviewers on FP. You can always try finding them!
Thanks, and good luck with your exams! -Ruatha
| RuathaWehrling chapter 9 . 3/31/2006
Greetings again! Two chapters left and then I'm all caught up! :)
1.) "She whispered into his ear “I was so worried about you…how did you survive?" - Comma after "ear".
2.) "He only agreed after we made it seem like you were almost dead" - "we made it seem"? Didn't EVERYONE think he was dying? Then maybe "when it seemed you were almost dead" or something might be better.
3.) "You’ll get it anyway, once he ascends the Sword Throne" - Huh? What's the Sword Throne?
4.) "striking to the heart, of all who heard it" - No comma needed.
5.) "as the gently moving golden light spun and shrank around, Kahlen" - Definitely no comma needed!
6.) "wings made of solid fire appeared attached to his" - Err... You're implying that he has wings on a normal basis. Maybe "his back" would be better?
7.) "Ramona burst out angrily “He did it to save our lives!" - Comma after "angrily". I'll stop commenting on this mistake, but do it throughout, please.
8.) "“Y-y-yes, lady” He stammered out." - Here, also, you should take a look at proper grammar surrounding quotes.
9.) Yea! The main characters meet!
10.) Err... It seems like Raina and Kahlen sort of forgot about Treloris at the end there. You might want to note that she's still in the boat-plane with them, or something.
Good chapter! I really liked your description of the sword and its transformation. Also, I think that Treloris might easily become one of my favorite characters! :) Excellent work - keep it up! -Ruatha
| RuathaWehrling chapter 8 . 3/28/2006
Hello again! I'm back for another chapter today!
1.) "Yet I can see that both Songmaster and Healing-Priest" - Do you want a "the" after "both"?
2.) "“Why do you kill?” He had asked." - Why did you capitalize "he" here?
3.) "Another time, he had asked the question “When should we heal?”" - Comma after "question". Hm... I see you have a problem with grammar in dialogue. Please take a look at my grammar review, where I explain where to put the commas and what to capitalize. I won't comment any more on dialogue grammar this chapter, but realize that there are quite a few of the same mistakes throughout your work. Read the review, email me with any additional questions, and then you should have no troubles fixing them all up.
4.) "a hysterical crying fit from Elanor herself," - Why would being healed make Elanor cry?
5.) "and she tested all accepted for the storage crystals" - Do you mean "except for"? If not, I'm confused!
Good chapter! I really do like youre characters! Do me a favor, please, and let me know if you're interested in long, detailed reviews like these. Because they take a long time to write, and if you're not interested, I'll just leave little notes instead.
Thanks for the story! -Ruatha
| RuathaWehrling chapter 7 . 3/28/2006
Greetings! Remember me? Well, I'm back for another chapter now!
1.) "Dragons, however, were much more startling." - You might want to rewrite this sentence so that it's the PUBERTY that's startling, not the DRAGON.
2.) "Puberty meant a startling doubling of size over a short period of two months" - That's two uses of 'startling' in two sentences..
3.) "was now too large to fit through the gates without severely them" - I think you're missing a word after "severely".
4.) "Riana was currently oiling the back and wings..." - Watch your verb tense in this paragraph. It keeps jumping between present and past tense.
5.) "confirming the spell she set in motion was working" - You never actually explained what the spell does! I mean, presumably it has something to do with filling the food bowl, but does it create the food, teleport it from somewhere, call someone to fill the bowl...
6.) "I think I’ll have to burn this place down to get rid of the smell when you’re done to get rid of them smell!" - Huh? This sentence seems redundant.
7.) "An equal amount of brown-armoured Warriors " - "number", not "amount"
8.) It seems VERY strange to me that Stephen not only distrusts Treloris, but seems to hate her, while Riana reveres her. If the gossip is good enough for Riana to be awed, not frightened, then why would her elders not feel at least somewhat similarly?
9.) "Those two were married before, you know." - This actually makes comment #8 even more true.
10.) "Stephen addressed the lady “This isn’t over yet.”" - Comma after "lady". And the same thing in the next sentence, please.
Ah yes! I remember why I liked this story. Well done, once again! -Ruatha
| ilovetheopera chapter 10 . 3/26/2006
exams are evil. screw moe. pretty story, by the way. is treloris supposed to be evil? hmm. update! but must study though. -nods.
| allidunno chapter 10 . 3/21/2006
cool chapter! keep updating...
| allidunno chapter 9 . 3/14/2006
this is such a cool story and it gets better! you really have to keep it up! *hands over a cookie*
check out Magician: Legend of Aracia, my story sometime!update soon!
| RuathaWehrling chapter 6 . 3/1/2006
Hello! I'm back again to read a bit more today! :)
1.) "yet knowing in her dark, pain-filled eyes and her ripped, mangled soul" - The second half of this is excellent, but you really can't "know in [your] eyes". Try rephrasing a bit.
2.) "Although Kahlen’s soul floated above his body, connected to it by the least of threads, seeming to sway and break with every mild breath, She did not cut it" - Here you capitalize "She" (for the goddess) but before you didn't. Be consistant, whichever way you choose!
3.) "What is life worth living" - Either "why is" or else "living for" to make this a full question.
4.) "I will, and even will you yourself, to face Judgement. " - O! That's a neat line.
5.) "slicing off the memories of the previous events.' - And I like that image, too. Very fitting!
6.) "both nodded." - Capitalize "both" please.
7.) "something he saw..." - "had seen".
hehe! Don't worry about a disjointed storyline. As long as you finish each main scene (ie: "The Healing") before swapping characters, you're fine.
Excellent chapter! I really liked the effect of the bold font for the gods' speech. Well done! And - yea! - I'm almost caught up! -Ruatha
| RuathaWehrling chapter 5 . 2/22/2006
Hi again! Waiting on my code once more. I'll be caught up quickly, at this rate!
1.) "She had shifted after the healers used their gifts to mend her wings, tail and back" - I thought she wasn't supposed to shift until all the broken bones were mended!
2.) "should? Should? You boorish..." - Oops! You forgot to capitalize the first "should".
3.) "the power in his voice was so great that is spilled over " - Typo: "it" not "is"
4.) "The boy has Healing gift!" - Do you want to add a "the" after "has"? Also, I really liked the way you described the priest's godly sight.
5.) "Elanor’s eyelids flew open" - She didn't die? I thought the dragons all died when their human partners did. I assume you'll cover this in future chapters.
A good chapter! :) Be back for more another day! -Ruatha
| RuathaWehrling chapter 4 . 2/22/2006
And another. (I'm debugging a computer code today, and it takes about 10 minutes to run each test. This makes for good reading time, especially for relatively short chapters like yours!) See now, aren't you glad you left me that review? You're getting all this attention because of it! :)
1.) "Blacks were generally sadistic and cruel" - Question: Is "black" refering to a human mage, or to a dragon (in human form)? Either is possible in such fantasy stories, so you might want to be clear. Certainly the two kids know, and so should we!
2.) "The black dragon was also in pain" - Ah, there we go. Still, you might make it clear sooner.
3.) " Over time, the crystals exposed thus would also change into Dragonstone as the corruption spread. Entering their human forms seemed to lessen the pain, but by no means cut it off." - When you say "their human forms", you're technically saying "the crystals' human forms", when I presume you mean "the dragons'" instead. Might want to fix that.
4.) "Then for good measure, she stood back and pummelled him between the legs. Hard." - Good. Although if having a dragonstone is so illegal, I'd think that calling for help might be possible here, regardless of why they're running.
5.) "After about five minutes of walking" - Why did you separate this into a new section? You don't really need to, since not much time has passed and the sections bleed cleanly together.
Alright, so for the first time I have questions for you regarding plot. Why are Riana and Gawain (I keep thinking "and the Green Knight", btw) running? Did they do something illegal? If not, why wouldn't they call for help, especially once the dragonstone was brought out? Where was everyone else in the town while this chase was going on - did they avoid the fight, or watch it from the sidelines? And how does one make a dragonstone work - could she accidentally burn Gawain just by brushing it against him? I presume you're going to have her give it to someone in control (whom she trusts not to misuse it) fairly soon.
Having just bombarded you with questions, I'd better throw a little encouragement your way! The only reason I'm picking on such little details like where everyone else is and the little stylistic points I've made above is because I think you've got a great piece of writing. It's saying something good that I'm ABLE to make such picky critiques, because that means you don't have any major mistakes at all in your writing. So: this is a job well done! Keep it up!
| RuathaWehrling chapter 3 . 2/22/2006
Hi again! I've got time for another chapter, I think. Here goes!
1.) "Kahlen spurred the horse towards the Eastern gate" - Why did you capitalize "eastern"?
2.) "where the Lisalle twins, the mage-apprentices Medna and Ramona, and Parnac Dolimstrong was waiting" - "were", not "was"
3.) "Parnac’s younger sister who had a seriously irritating crush on him" - You should probably say "on Kahlen" not "on him", since otherwise you're referring to Parnac, which is a rather nasty thought!
4.) "By the time they finally stopped, they were all dry anyway, and decided to go on with the hunting trip" - Why did you separate this with horizontal lines? It looks kind of silly all by itself! Why not put it with one or the other section instead?
5.) "(the twins had 2 each, Parnac had 3)" - This felt shockingly informal. You might consider deleting it, or at least rephrasing it without the parantheses. Also, spell out "two" and "three". :) It's not THAT many letters!
6.) "“You’re not that old yourself!” Parnac challenged" - You're just missing the period here.
7.) "that was doing the roaring" - This is a bit awkward.
8.) "the four rings they each wore together" - Very awkward! It almost says that EACH of them wears four rings!
9.) "but they paused to ask “What’s a Hydra?”" - comma after "ask" (or a colon, perhaps).
10.) "The Hydra was a creature bred during the Mage Wars, creatures designed to besiege" - "the Hydra" suggests that there's only one, but "creatures" suggests there are many Hydra. Be consistant about this throughout the paragraph.
11.) "“No…look out” he cried" - I'd put a ! after "out" here, but even if you don't want that, you need a comma. (Take a look at my grammar review here on FP if you want more help with dialogue punctuation.)
12.) "If a Healer with the Gift breathed in the same amount as that of your son…or his dragon, he or she would surely die." - Ah... Interesting. I'll look forward to the ramifications of this.
13.) "unknowingly having pronounced Kahlen’s death sentence" - Wait! Wouldn't the healer know that the poison was still in Kahlen's system? Especially if it can do so much damage to a (presumed) non-healer?
Excellent chapter! I look forward to reading more. Laters! -Ruatha
| RuathaWehrling chapter 2 . 2/22/2006
Hi! I'll read at least one more chapter today...
1.) That fight scene, while very nifty, seems rather dangerous for practice. Throwing daggers are generally rather tough to deflect, and I don't know if you'd want to risk making a mistake that could be permanent...
2.) "The only way to possibly avoid this was to reveal to her his capability to heal" - Ah... I was wondering about that, since you'd mentioned before than when he'd been beaten, they hadn't called for a (presumably rare) healer.
3.) "People with them were customarily put into one temple" - "them" feels wrong here, since you were initially talking about only ONE talent.
4.) "Again, he seemed to enjoy the challenge, " - The "again" at the start feels odd. I guess I'd have used "then again" instead, myself.
Very nice! I like your characters, and I like the way Elanor looks to Kahlen to protect her. I also appreciated that while Kahlen would never abuse Elanor, he also DOES think of her as a servant still (ie: ordering her to get water, etc). That's realistic.
Got to run now! Thanks for the excellent story - I'll be back for more later! -Ruatha