i loved it! completely!

love it! im officially going to read the entire rest of the story!

This is a very good story. I see that this was posted quite a while ago but if you ever do decide to publish or whatever I will give you constructive criticism.

First of all, I enjoyed this story immensely, so don't think that because I am giving you criticism I didn't enjoy it. Because I wouldnt give you a detailed review if i didn't ;)

This has the potential to be a lengthy novel, but you left it with only 9 chapters. I don't know why you did this but I think lengthening it would be wise (17 or 18 ch. at the least). And more background information. Don't just start at the wedding. Begin a prologue with her fighting in a war where all her friends died (make it real so later when she has the dreams the readers are able to sympathize).

Put in more fillers. Let the reader get to know each of the characters more. Develop Jared and Elena way more. I loved those two characters but I rarely saw them (more so with Elena). You could have done so much with ELena's character with her loving Jacen, but you didn't. I would recommend really developing her character. And if you did/do a sequel about Hector's child (I'm not sure if you have b/c I haven't checked), develop his character more too. Explain why Hector and Darla's friendship ran so deep and why they were so close and maybe even go into detail about how it was for him when Conrad died (his brother).

Add more description. THIS WOULD ADD SO MUCH TO YOUR STORY! Describe the facial expressions of characters. Add similes and comparisons. Describe hand and body placements and postures to describe the atmosphere, mood, or person.

That's pretty much it. You could even use my critiques on future stories. It pretty much is an outline for everything fiction related you write. You are a good writer and I applaud you, but I do feel that a reader would have enjoyed in far more if you would have added a little bit of what I wrote above. However, it was a very good and sweet story.

I have a story somewhat similar (with the time period and prince and princess and all). You would honor me by checking it out and reading it. It's called And They Lived Happily Never After.

Thanks! and have a fabulous week! :)

Hey :)

Good start ;) I promise to be considerate and honest! (From what I've experienced 'kind' doesn't always help one to improve ;D )

There was a tiny typo: "bye marring him we would forge an alliance". Which should be," .. by marrying". There could be more, but that one kind of popped out at me.

Also in regards to as to how you introduced both Darla and Jacen at the wedding, I think it was a tad underdone. In the sense that at all royal events, everyone makes a HUGE deal about titles. It's all about power with those guys. Status, wealth, property etc.

I think they both should have been introduced as , "Crown Prince/ss of the...", then their names and the name of their lands/country. Have a last name in comparison is more often than done with everday people. e.g. "The Crown Prince of Wales, Prince...(insert name here) "

Also referring to your author's note: As this is a fictional story- and the setting is of an older era. 'Mum and Dad'probably wouldn't suit the time/place (as they are more modern sayings). 'Mother and Father' is actually quite appropriate, more informal titles would be "Ma/Da or Mama/ Papa".

I hope this is helpful ;)

MUCHlovex reeka

"High stamina is one of the trade marks of the Bear kind"

that's not gonna come and haunt her at all now is it *wink wink*?

1) Oops, I guess that you've made some typos. (Hint 1: "Intelligent without passion.") (Hint 2: I've noticed that some full stops are missing.)

2) Darla only likes to eat dessert? She has a sweet tooth, right? Haha. :)

Hmm... Darla is a warrior, which means that she's my favourite type of heroine. I bet that she must have been really feisty.

Unfortunately, I found the story somewhat empty. It was promising but failed to inspire any emotion within me. Grammar and syntax were fine, however I couldn't feel anything for the characters. Many parts of the story seemed rushed over (for example, Darla and Jacen suddenly kissing all the time despite seeming distant in the previous chapter) and I think if you were to re-edit it, it would be wise to include a lot more detail as well as working on improving your characterisation.

Furthermore, there was no real sense of time or place. Initially I assumed it was going to be a period piece. However, your use of colloquial language confused me and it seemed more modern towards the end with cookouts, etc. A lack of description is responsible for this and you might want to work on that in future.

There's a lot of potential in your writing, but also, a lot of room for improvement. Good luck.

I really enjoyed reading this story. I liked that it was short enough to read in one go, but long enough to have lots of plot development. Though there were some times where grammar/phrasing was a bit weird, on the whole the compelling story made up for it. I'm a sucker for happy endings, and this one was fantastic!

w00t. Another great story, this one is also going to be added to the list.

So I read another one of your stories, cause I did a pretty good exam today, so I thought of this as a present!

I liked it, but its not as good as your other stories!

Ciao

Aw. Cute story. I really enjoyed it!

i've read this story several times over and over, and it remains by far, my favorite [unpublished] story. I love how you showed how the two really, truly love each other...I love a lot of your stories. Please keep writing, you have incredible talent!

Super adorable

Dean and jesse i love those especially because Those are the names of hot guys on gilmore girls.

;]

kinda expected more from this..cuz ur such a good writer..all your other stories are awesome...still okay though